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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Peeing sensation, orgasm problems and a few more questions

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Author Topic: Peeing sensation, orgasm problems and a few more questions
Clea
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First of all, I am aware that it's normal for women to feel like they are going to pee during sex, or when their G-spot is being stimulated. However, I get this feeling much more when my clitoris is being stimulated and I haven't heard of that before. I'm wondering if maybe this means I'm going to ejaculate. I'm worried though, that I'll make a big mess of pee, thinking I'm ejaculating. Yes, I always go to the bathroom several times before I masturbate in order to try and avoid this but it doesn't help and yes, I can always pee after getting this sensation. It seems to me everything is pointing towards it being pee but I really don't want it to be! I've been sexual active for 4 years, masturbating actively and knowingly for 5 and still never had an orgasm. Lately however, I've been getting really close but this peeing sensation always stops me!
When it comes to orgasms I've had so much trouble! There have been a few times (could count on one hand) where guys have been close to giving me an orgasm but I have to make them stop because the feeling is too intense (or I think I'm going to pee). Also, the feeling isn't as nice as I would like it to be, I'm never turned on deeply enough. I don't know how to become more turned on though because I've been reading a lot of erotica lately and the things that I read that make me the wettest are things that in reality I find disgusting and disturbing. The minute I think of the situation applied to me in real life I'm turned off. How can I get this turned on with a guy?
There have been a few times when I've half woken up from a dream and had my hand between my legs and it's felt unbelievable but I can't get that feeling when I'm fully awake. By the time I realize I'm masturbating, the turned on feeling doesn't last much longer.

So there are a few questions and some things I've been wondering about. Any information on any of those topics would be wonderful. Thank you!

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Onionpie
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Hey, Clea. Welcome to Scarleteen! It sounds like the sensation you're describing is very likely to be the beginning of ejaculation. This doesn't only happen with vaginal stimulation; it can happen with anything sexually stimulating (be that the clitoris, general vulva area, or something else entirely!), so it definitely is possible that that's what this is. Since you say you urinate before you masturbate, there's really no way it COULD be pee, unless you drank like, a whole litre of water all in one go a bit beforehand [Razz]

In terms of being concerned about the mess, what you can do is put down a towel before you masturbate, and that takes care of that [Smile]

It also sounds like your partners' stimulation may just have been/be too intense or too direct. Some people find that direct or rougher stimulation is too much for them, and this might be the case for you. So try experimenting to find ways that work better for you and that don't give you that feeling of "too much". And if causing a mess with ejaculation is a concern for you for this, too, then the handy dandy towel can be your buddy again [Smile]

For the mental aspect of orgasming, it's really the same cup of tea as with the physical. Experimenting is the key to success! And your lack of arousal totally will have an impact on your orgasm quality/ability; the orgasm occurs primarily in the brain, so if you're just not into it, no matter how good at masturbating you are, it just won't be as good as it could [Smile] You say your fantasies don't reflect what you like/are attracted to in reality, but that's totally okay; in fact, that's the case with many of people's fantasies! Also, people tend not to masturbate (purely in the physical sense, I mean) all on its own; they usually include fantasizing into the mix (as I explained before, the brain has a heck of a lot to do with how much you'll enjoy it). So this is very likely going to be the case for you, and if you haven't found a fantasy that you find enjoyable enough, then why stick with it? You can "shop around", as it were, to find things that DO arouse you [Smile]

Basically it's all about finding what physically and mentally works best for you!

Here are a couple of links that might help you out:
Squirt: On Female Ejaculation
How Do You Masturbate?

If you have any more questions or anything you want cleared up, feel free to ask more! [Big Grin]

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Clea
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Thank you! That was helpful! I have one last question though, about the last paragraph about the mentality, What I meant is that for masturbatinf my fantasies work great but how am I supposed to get the same sort of arousal when I'm with a man? For example, reading about rape or domination turns me on but in real life I would be furious if a man treated me like that! So are there any ways I can figure something out or do I just simply have to play around and find something new that turns me on in that situation? I can't think of anything other than reading erotica or watching porn, or playing it out knowing absolutely that he doesn't mean it. Howeeever, if you (or anybody else) has any other suggestions that might work they would be greatly appreciated!

And thanks again for your response!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I want to check in on a couple of things first.

For one, you know it's okay to fantasize during sex with partners, yes, and that plenty of people do?

As well, do you also know that people who are turned on by things like submission and domination can negotiate that and do it in safe, consensual ways with partners if they both want to do that?

However, with partners, do you think it's possible you may so far not be choosing partners you feel turned on enough by to be having as partners? In other words, you say you've not felt highly turned on by them: do you think it's possible this isn't about fantasizing or not, but about choosing partners you aren't that into?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clea
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Yes, I know that it's okay to do fantasize during sex, but I find it tricky to do and it just doesn't go over well with me to be imagining something completely different while something else is going on. I would sort of feel like pretending to learn math when I'm learning English. It would be difficult and pointless. To me anyway. And I know that lots of people do domination/submission safely together, however the only partners I've been able to do that with in the past have been men that I didn't trust. I've grown up a lot since then and my last boyfriend completely transformed the way I look at myself and helped me up my level of self respect profusely. Playing dom/sub with somebody who respects me would seem weird, it would seem like acting. I realize that's what roleplaying is though... I think maybe I'll just have to try things out with the next partner I have, see if that's something I can do after all. Maybe I'm now afraid of people thinking I still have low self respect. It's finding the middle between it feeling real but still knowing that the man respects me. I think that I'm still in the middle of the "self respect transformation" and my concious and subconcious are arguing and perhaps things like this still turn me on because I still have things going on in my head that suggest to me that I want to have somebody disrespect me but my logical, frontal part of my brain is saying "Are you crazy? How could you ever let someone treat you like that?" I think I may be answering my own question here but of course, any extra advice is more than welcome. I'm thinking that what I need to do is either a)wait and see how and whether I get past these fantasies and b)if not, or if that comes later, I should see if I can find a way where I can experiment without feeling like I'm putting myself in a situation where I'll be disrespected, where I know it's just for fun and as soon as we're finished I'll be able to cuddle up in his arms and know I'm cared for and that he didn't mean a thing he said/did in reality. That does sound difficult though.
Aaaas to my partners, I've definitely been very turned on by THEM, but maybe not so much the situations we were in when having sex. However that's likely to do with monotony and as time goes by one learns how to change things up more and more. At least, I plan to.
One last question (and sorry, I have a terrible habit of typing everything and more than I need to), and this is something I am embarassed about (thank goodness for the internet) and have only recently discovered, is that incestuous erotica has really been turning me on! Now, I have a big family with four brothers and no sisters but there is absolutely no way I would ever, EVER consider or think of doing anything sexual with them, or my dad or even mother for that matter. I can say that with honestly and sureness. I'm just curious if you've got any theories as to why I may be finding reading these so appealing! Again and even moreso, the second they're applied to real life I feel sick. The only theory I can think of is the lack of time spent with and attention I got from my father as a kid (which explains, I think, where my other fantasy comes from too, but that's a whole different story, which I don't think is important to these topics). That may explain why I would find fathers having sex with daughters (in erotica only!) sexy, but then why with brothers? I can't think of any reason why that would turn me on...

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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More times than not, looking for reasons of why certain things are arousing tends to be fruitless, since a lot of the time, there really aren't solid, tangible reasons. It's also really important to recognize that fantasy is typically just that: it's not reality, nor often a reflection of what people would want in reality.

I think we have a few links that might help with some of all of this stuff for you, so let me toss'em your way before we chat more, okay?

They are:

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/rape_fantasy_or_domination_and_submission_desires
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/bdsm_fantasy_will_it_limit_my_sex_life
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/working_the_kinks_out

You might also find going through this for yourself helpful:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clea
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Thank you, I read through those pages but none of them really told me much I don't already know, other than what bdsm stands for (I've always been curious!). Also, I was reminded that fantasies are exactly that, so I suppose it would be better to talk to a therapist or do more self thinking in order to get an answer as to exactly where those fantasies come from. Reading through my last comment that seems to be my only unanswered question and I have a feeling that's not really what this site's here for (correct me if I'm wrong!) Thank you for the rest of your help!
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Heather
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It's not really that we're not here for that so much as that again, that's not something we are going to be able to tell you, but only that you can figure out IF you can. Once more, often enough, none of us can identify sources for the origin or basis of all our sexual fantasy.

With the BDSM, if even the acronym is new for you, I'm wondering if you have ever really tried to have some of the kinds of dynamics you find exciting in a safe. negotiated setting. It may be our language just differs, but if ideas like safewords, negotiating bottoming with someone, and having something like domination occur ONLY in the context of you being treated with care and respect seem foreign, then it seems like that all may be uncharted territory for you you may want to consider or at least do some reading about.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clea
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You're right, the things that I've tried in this area were never in what you'd call a safe setting because I was extremely naive. I've only played out this fantasy a little bit and with men who didn't respect me. I think I now have a bit of a complex and some fear that if a man is able to even pretend to treat me like that, he doesn't respect me enough, and that if I can pretend to be treated like that, I also wouldn't have enough respect for myself. I realize that doesn't have to be true, and since this fantasy still presides in my mind I'll just wait and see until next time the situation arises, whether or not I can do something like this. Although, imagining doing something like that with my last boyfriend seems silly. I can't imagine being turned on by someone who respects me so much pretending to disrespect me. But I also know there's no way I'm going to put up with anybody disrespecting me for real. I guess that's where I'm stuck. Maybe it'll be different with a future boyfriend... Time will tell.
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Heather
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Can you tell me what "like that" is? In other words, when you say if someone would treat you "like that" or you'd allow yourself to be treated "like that," what do you mean?

As well, I wonder why you seem to only be envisioning this as someone pretending to disrespect you? If you are negotiating things you both want with someone else, and this is all about what you each want, mostly around one person taking charge or direction in a limited way, how is that automatically disrespectful? Or any more or less so than with other kinds of sex?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clea
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By "like that" I mean things such as "forcefulness" (I realize it's not "force" when I've given permission but it's easier to say things in this context) such as grabbing me, pushing me down and saying rude things. I can't think of anything else this moment. I envision this as someone pretending to disrespect me because to me this is what the fantasy is about. It's not simply being taken control of, rather, being treated badly. This is why it's disrespectful, basically because that's exactly what I find sexy. Of course I don't want the disrespect to be real, just to feel real in the moment. That's where I'm going to have to try things out to find my comfort zone and being able to trust somebody to treat me that way during sex only without them thinking any less of me. I think a lot of my concerns with this have to do with past experiences and how I've put certain things in certain categories with certain people who I have different relationships with. Does that answer your questions?
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Stephanie_1
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Something to think about, is that when BDSM occurs in a way that is safe, and both partners know the boundaries, have discussed safety, and are doing so in a safe way, there should be a level of respect always there. For instance, there’s limits and boundaries in place, and both partners need to know, understand, and especially respect those boundaries. This also means respecting the other person enough to follow what they say they want (while also not going outside what you’re comfortable with and want). As well? It means sharing a really big level of trust with the other person. Trusting they’ll follow boundaries and be safe, trusting should at any time either partner want to stop it will stop, and respecting that if someone wants to stop it should (and also respecting the other person enough to not question that, rather to make sure they’re okay).

Too? This shouldn’t make a person feel any less for someone else than they did before. It doesn’t mean that a partner should treat the other differently outside of that. Think for instance about a play. If someone plays a murderer in a play, does so very well, should everyone suddenly suspect they are a killer? Does it mean that when they’re around everyone needs to be on their guard always with a weapon around just in case? Nope – because it becomes out of context then.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Clea
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You're right about all that, it's just about processing things in my head in a way that's comfortable for me so that I can understand it in real life. Everything written by you guys in this thread makes perfect sense but of course things are more easily said than done and I have some things to figure out in my head before I'm going to be able to apply all of this to real life.
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Stephanie_1
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Always a good idea. [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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