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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Scared of his penis?

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Author Topic: Scared of his penis?
hs123
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Hi, I love my boyfriend very much. He's a grade older than me and we were raised, culturally that is, to believe in virginity till marriage- but this year we started to second guess what we were taught. Anyway, he went overseas for school this year, and left me here, but three months into the year he told me he missed me very much and asked me if I wanted to have sex next time I saw him- and I really really do... I love him very very much.
Problem is- whenever we've fooled around before, it's always been very 'me" oriented... We've kissed, and he's fingered me, but I have a hard time touching him. I'm scared of his penis! I don't know if that's because of how I was raised, or whatever... But I can't.. I usually just stimulate him through his pants. He's very kind and considerate, and after awhile, he stopped asking if I would touch him, and he just concentrated more on me, and it's not that I don't want to do it, I just freak out when I think about it. His penis scares me! Is that even normal?
Anyway, point is, I want to have sex with him, but I don't know if I can... When we were talking about it he even said that he wasn't sure he should ask because he knows I'm scared of his penis...We both laughed, and he's always been so nice about it... He even said it was okay because it makes him happy to stimulate me and eventhough he would like to he wants to do it more for me than for him... But I want to do it.. How can I overcome this...????!!!

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Heather
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Really, I'd not advise going to intercourse if you're having to avoid touching or looking at your partner's genitals.

Really.

That's just going to feel pretty crappy for your partner, as well as make intercourse into something pretty...I don't know, medical, almost? if that makes sense? I mean, during intercourse, each partner is often going to be needing to touch the other's genitals, whether it's to insert/reinsert (and guys often can need some help with that), to give extra stimulation when needed, and also, just because it's sex: we're supposed to be touching each other, and celebrating all our bits, not trying to avoid them.

Frankly, so long as you are attracted to men and attracted to this guy overall (obviously, this is something else entirely if not), I think it's time to work on getting friendly with Mr. Happy, here. You might be gradual about it: how about even just getting more comfortable by looking at general anatomy photographs? How about just taking some time together to look at his penis? Mutual masturbation might be a nice way to get more comfortable, too.

But yeah: until you can get comfortable with his genitals, I think intercourse is putting the horse far ahead of the cart, here.

[ 09-29-2007, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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Thanks for your speedy reply... I can look at photographs... It's the real thing that I freak out about. I mean, he laughs it off to make me feel less embarassed, but I really can't. We showered together once and I was just hanging on his side the entire time.. and he suggested that we just kiss so I wouldn't have to look, and so I would be distracted. It helped, but I don't know why I'm so scared of it... I'm self-conscious about my body, but with him, I don't mind him seeing me, I just don't wanna see him.. I mean, I'm attracted to him, just not his genitals...or anyone's genitals for that matter...
Do you mean I should just try to look at it a few times? Like just take small steps? Even if even those small steps feel uncomfortable? I'd rather take those steps with him than anyone else, but I feel like there's something wrong with me.. Is this normal?
I'm attracted to him, and I'm attracted to boys in general... Just not penises... Is that abnormal? Am I supposed to want to give him a handjob? I'm confused

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Heather
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Generally, if someone is exceptionally freaked out by genitals, there is a reason for it. The most common two would be previous sexual abuse (especially early childhood abuse) or sexual shaming when younger. Too, as might be obvious, when someone really does not want to or is not ready to look at another person's genitals, or to be having sex with someone, it's normal to feel uncomfortable

So, if by normal, you mean you mean common? Well, outside those scenarios, it's not what I'd call common, no, and yeah, for an adult person who otherwise wants sexual intimacy, we would consider strong aversion and fear of genitalia something wrong.

I would say to take the small steps, even if it does make you a little uncomfortable. But if it's more than a little, I'd suggest chilling out with any kind of sex (partnered, not masturbation) for a while, full-stop, until you can find a counselor to try and work this out with instead. Obviously, we don't want you to be traumatized by this, or to do something that makes you feel emotionally bad.

Per the "am I supposed to want to give him a hand job: bit...well, no. None of us are "supposed" to want to do any given sexual activity. We all differ in our likes and dislikes and our wants and preferences. But generally, if you're going to be having any kind of sex with a partner, you certainly should want to have something to do with them that is about them, not just you: ideally, we're looking for a 50/50 split, since sex with two people, to be healthy for both, really needs to be ABOUT those two people.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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So youre saying that if I was raised to think that things like mutual masterbation and well.. anything outside of missionary position intercourse before marriage, and anything outside of missionary position during marriage was taboo- which I was raised that way... Then even if I want to do these things with my boyfriend, I might just be having some synaptic roadblock? Some psychological block?... Sorry.. I'm a soon to be psychology student (hopefully) and Im interested in this... You would think I would know a bit more.
And... If I've never orgasmed.. Could this also be because of how I was raised?
If it is, how do I just go about reversing it? I just take these small steps?

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Heather
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It's really pretty incredible how much sexual shaming and, overall, the way we were raised to think about sex can impact us. Any of us can get a pretty good idea of how sexual shame in culture has created some pretty horrendous ideas about and treatment of sexuality broadly, for instance, and that stands, too, for the microcosm.

And what most sex therapists have discovered and know is that the ideas we get about sex at the earliest ages, and during sexually developmental periods, tend to stick, for good or for ill.

It's not so much what is a psychological block, per se, as it is that deeply-rooted ideas tend to be just that. And changing how we think of something radically tends to take a good deal of effort or time, sparing those times when a given event is just so huge and intense that it causes a big change.

Per the never reaching orgasm, that too can be impacted by sexual shame and the like, but plenty of women without a lot of that (understanding that people, and more so women, all get that via culture, period) still have trouble, due to simply not being there yet, not masturbting, not understanding how their sexual anatomy works and what's most sensitive, not communicating well with partners or having responsive partners, body image problems, mental roadblocks of all types, the works.

But yeah: for many people, the small steps, over time, can be the ticket. For some -- especially those who had really profound sexual shaming, or have profound issues with this stuff -- talk therapy is also important.

It might even be helpful for you just to DIY it a bit and get in the habit of making some positive affirmations. Saying things to yourself like, "My body is becuaitful," or "I am a sexual person," or "Sexuality it beautiful," or "Genitals are amazing and gorgeous and meant for pleasure," and such. I know it can seem a little corny, but if all the messages in our heads are on a loop saying the opposite, it's not like we don't have that internal soundtrack already -- we just need to change the CD to a different one. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Too, as a personal anecdote, when I was still teaching in classrooms (I used to be a pre-k and kindergarten teacher), at naptime, all comfy in cots, kids often masturbate. It's just the deal.

Obviously, you want kids to know that you can't just masturbate anywhere, so I generally, if I saw someone doing it, would just walk over, put a hand on their shoulder, and quietly and gently tell them that there wasn't anything wrong with what they were doing with their bodies at that moment, but that was something to save for at home, in your own bed. And they'd usually respond just fine to that, nod, and that'd be that, without them getting or reading any negative messages.

But one day a co-teacher of mine -- an older woman, and really...eh, she'd been teaching too long, let's put it that way -- was cleaning around a little girl's cot who had started to rub herself with her little pillow and I watched that teacher smack the girl's hand, loudly shout (at naptime, no less) "That is NASTY!" You could SEE the horror and shame on this kid's face. I mean, it was palpable. And freaking heartbreaking.

When the other teacher came back to sit with me, I'd said to her that I hoped she was pleased with herself for passing on her own crummy attitudes about sex and bodies to that kid, or planning to make some sort of contribution to that little girl's sex therapy down the line. Because you know, kids don't forget that stuff, at all, and that's a helluva message to send. Ten bucks says that little girl either didn't masturbate again until she was an older teen or adult -- and things like this are why a lot of kids stop, and why you hear people say they never masturbated until they were 15 or whatever; they likely did before then, but stopped b/c of something like this, but don't have a clear memory -- or felt bad about herself when she did it. [Frown]

[ 09-29-2007, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also -- I'm going on since you're interested -- you have to think about how inappropriate it really is to be talking to children about sexual positions. If you were raised with sexual shame, but also with talk about sex that was of that ilk, that's bound to take a toll.

It's a pretty weird thing to tell a kid when you're also not giving them more information to even have a context for that. But since sex positions aren't even relevant to anyone who isn't having sex, it's a strange thing to bring up, period.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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Thanks.. I think I'm starting to understand this more... I'm just glad I have a boyfriend who is able to understand me and sympathize... Maybe because he grew up in the same culture, or maybe because he's a great person, but I'm glad he's around.

I'll try the things you suggested and maybe I should try talking to my boyfriend more openly about sexual things? I usually try to avoid talking about sex and how I feel about him- but maybe I should...?

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Heather
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Well, by all means, communication is vital to a healthy sexual relationship. Without being able to talk about it, it's not reasonable for us to expect that a) we can really have satisfying sex, b) our partner can have god ideas about what to do with us, c) either of us can really find real intimacy through any kind of sex....actually, I could go through the alphabet, here. [Smile]

Sex without talking about sex, without some sound form of communication (talking, ideally, unless, obviously, someone has a disability which doesn't make that an option), is pretty much half the story, and never a great idea, or a way to a healthy sexuality and sex life.

So, by all means: get talking! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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