posted
My boyfriend and I have been best friends for a year, and have been dating for 5 months. We're in an exclusive relationship and recently we've started fooling around with anal play. I have had anal sex before this relationship (but didn't really enjoy it) and so has he (with another woman- he's straight). He told me, even before we were dating that he enjoys being touched and fingered anally. He has specified that he isn't attracted to men, and me being bi, even if he was it wouldn't really bother me. However, whenever we involve anal play with him, he is always upset after. He feels like he is being less masculine by liking anal play. I am mildly uncomfortable with it, but only because he seems so upset and I don't want to hurt him emotionally or physically. How can I help him feel better about himself and his desires? Should I just not talk about it when we do it? How do I feel more comfortable with it in general?
Posts: 5 | From: NY | Registered: Jun 2012
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posted
So, sounds like he might have the idea that: a0 enjoying receptive anal sex is only something gay men like (even though some don't and we know plenty of hetero guys do) b) being the receptive partner for any kind of sex means someone is "being the girl" (even though all bodies have orifices).
Does that sound about right? If so, have you two talked about those ideas and the many problems with them together?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yup, that's just about it. One of the problems that we end up having is that I've been with women, and he feels like our experiences with him being in the "girl" position really makes him feel bad about himself. He's normally great at communicating why he's feeling upset, but with this he just feels deeply disappointed in himself, and it seems like no matter what I say (even that I enjoy it) there's nothing that helps. I think we both understand that it's totally normal, but he doesn't actually believe it. I'm starting to think I should just ignore it when it happens and let him feel bad briefly without drawing attention to it... Is there anything else to do? Should I show him this website and these forums or would that just add flame to the fire?
Posts: 5 | From: NY | Registered: Jun 2012
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posted
Well, you might first just have a talk with him and ask what HE wants. In other words, does he enjoy that kind of sex and want to keep having it while he works through some of his emotional discomfort with it OR would he like to spend more time working through that discomfort first before he engages in it again?
I do also think you can talk about how the idea that a receptive partner must be "the girl" says some fairly crummy things about women and our "place" in sex, but also really doesn't represent human sexuality well or accurately for all people. Again, we all have orifices, and we all may or may not enjoy engaging them sexually. That's not about our gender unless, for us, it IS about our gender, know what I mean?
I might also ask him how NOT being receptive would make someone more masculine? Why?
Either way, I'd not ignore a sexual partners tough feelings. I'd not say that's good form. Instead, I'd ask to talk about them and ask that person how they want to manage them.
And certainly, he's welcome to come here to talk about this if he likes, too.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Thank you so much! I think I'm going to show him this, or at least those suggestions and we'll work on it from there. Posts: 5 | From: NY | Registered: Jun 2012
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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