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Author Topic: Nailo: a work in progress
Nailo
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So I've had a couple attempts at having a journal, and have never been able to keep it up. Maybe since I know this site and the people here now I will.

First of all, it's good to be back [Smile] I hadn't posted at all on here in a while. It was nice to see that I had some replies on topics I had posted a long time ago.

I think I've been pogressing somewhat. I keep my nails shorter now, and though sometimes I find myself unconsciously digging my nails into my stomach, I don't do it consciously anymore. I don't feel the need to most of the time. And the times I do is when I'm feeling actually really down; not like before, when I would be in a perfectly "happy" situation- ie holding hands with my boyfriend walking down a nature trail- and digging my nails into the other hand. So I'm working on it.

And my mother and I went to our first joint session with the psychologist a couple weeks back. She still kept saying things like "it's the right and healthy thing to do to talk to your father, because he's your father", but I think I finally got it through that it is definitely NOT a healthy and right idea. He still calls quite often asking for me, but my mother always makes excuses so I won't have to talk to him. He's starting to not believe them, which is a little scary, but for now nothing's happened.

And it's one step forward two steps back sometimes as well. I had a small clash with my boyfriend the other day, because I felt slightly used, although it could have just been my paranoia. Ever read "The 5 Love Languages"? Well, my boyfriend is the kind of person who expresses love and feels love through physical contact, ie. loves to hold my hand all the time and hug me. Of course, that means sex is a very important part of the relationship. Don't get me wrong, he's never pressured me for anything. If I say I'm not in the mood, he doesn't mind, and constantly asks me if I'm ok with what he's doing.

His problem is that he's clueless. The clash was that one night, he was over and he kept saying he needed to go soon. We baked bread, watched a movie, just talked, and all the time he kept saying "I should go soon". I had a bad backache, so I took off my shirt so he could give me a massage with some massage cream I have. I guess that must have made him change his mind, because he started kissing me and said "well, maybe I don't have to go just yet". So I put my shirt back on and said "Don't you find it funny that we bake bread and you need to go but I'm topless next to you and you can stay? Quite frankly, that kinda makes me feel a little used." And then he realized he had been an idiot and was very sincerely sorry for it. He was crying, and kept saying "I'm such an idiot, I am so sorry for having made you feel that way, I don't ever want to hurt you again, I really need to think about what I say..." After that, he's been much better. That's something I love about him; he slips up sometimes, but if I tell him I'm uncomfortable with something, he does everything he can to be better. He's willing to change for me if he sees it's hurting me [Smile] .

Alas, I guess it wasn't enough because it triggered a minor panic attack. And then, maybe because of the same thing (and you have no idea how guilty my boyfriend felt because of it), that night I had the worst nightmare in my life- the first one I've had about my sexual abuse. It was horrible... I woke up at 5:30 AM screaming and crying so loudly that my mother came in to see what was wrong. I told her and she said "Don't worry, that's never going to happen again", and we both went to sleep in her bed. At least she did, because I was too afraid to go back to sleep. I decided I'd just wake up and take a shower, but taking my clothes off was an oddessy. At school, I got colitis and I was exhausted and really edgy, on the verge of tears all day. Doesn't help that my classmates are mostly idiots who go around saying that women like to be raped, that it's a "nice punishment". No, I'm not exagerating or kidding, I'm serious. My mother ended up picking me up early from school so I could take a good long nap. I still haven't told the details of the nightmare to anyone, and I don't know if I could bare to do it. The only part I told the psychologist was that at the end of it I told my mother "I hope this shows you why it's not healthy for me to be near him". And though nothing's been said, I think it did.

I was also looking for some good books for survivors and their families. I think I may have found a couple that could work.

So yea, one step forward, two steps back. But I think I'll manage to go on ahead, slowly but surely.

This thread is not just going to be about my recovery process, but it's just what was on my mind at the moment during my brief moments before bed. I hope to write back soon with something happier. Good night...

[ 10-08-2006, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Nailo ]

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Nailo
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Well, my last entry was over a month ago, wasn't it? That's me. Consistent [Razz] .

You know, my first experience dancing was not nice at all. I was in ballet and jazz at the age of 7. Though jazz was interesting, I thought ballet was boring. But I didn't have fun in jazz either, because my classmates bullied me. They would huddle away from me, even though I would sit completely alone, and point at me. Once one came over to me, just to pick up the empty chair next to me, and the rest shouted out "DON'T TELL HER!!". Well, I got out of it. It was a nightmare. To make it worse, when I got out, my father told me "good thing you did, because you had all the grace of a hippo!". Needless to say, I was traumatized. I have since avoided dancing like the plague.

I cringed when my psychologist told me that I should try to take it up again. She said that it would also help my therapy to get over my abuse, because I would get more in touch with a healthy part of my sensuality (which I have purposefully censored) and I would learn more of how to be expressive with my body (something I am often not).

But then, I gave in. I finally decided that that was almost 9 years ago, and it's time to get over the trauma. Besides, learning how to dance would help me out with stage prescence when I sing. And I have promised myself that I will NOT be a wall flower at my own graduation. A dance academy opened up 3 blocks away, and I already knew the owner because she taught a japanese sword art that I used to practice. She was very nice to me, and when I told her that we were having money problems, she even offered to give me a special deal. So I'm taking tap dancing and belly dancing [Smile] . The owner is the tap dancing teacher, and she says I'm doing very well, thanks to the musical ear that I have thanks to piano and singing. Belly dancing is more difficult, not just physically, but emotionally. It's more "sexy" so to say... and that's part of me that I never wanted anyone to see. With my boyfriend as the big exception. But I'm working on it [Smile] I'm very optimistic about this. I really feel that this will help me grow, and get over some of my issues.

I feel a lot better because I'm now doing around 3 and a half hours of exercise a week, and I've (ironically) lost about 6 pounds since I *stopped* going to the nutritionist. Problem was, she was making me eat more than I wanted to (force feeding someone is never good), and measuring out my portions was becoming unbearably rigid. Ironically, not being on a diet makes me feel less sugar cravings too [Razz] . I'm still clinically overweight (not obese), but I feel that soon enough, that'll change. I have more self esteem now, I see myself a lot prettier. Of course, once I reach my appropriate weight, I'll stop trying to lose more. No going anorexic or aiming to be underweight >_>;.

Currently, I'm in exams. Just finished science today. NO MORE PHYSICS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! [Big Grin] . Soooo happy. I despise physics. I'm starting IB next year. So that means I'm not taking anymore chemistry or PE either (yay! no PE! XD). Next thursday is the last one. Math. Cambridge's "Additional Math" course... my God, that course is impossible. So impossible that you pass with 34%, and hardly anyone can manage even that. My consolation is that even if I fail miserably, it won't matter, because I did the "normal" test last year and I got an A, and that's the one that counts.

My grandfather is coming for thanksgiving...with his new girlfriend :S. Well, I'm sure he doesn't reffer to her that way, but it's pretty obvious that there's some great interest there. My grandmother passed away over a year ago, and my grandfather is a very charismatic man who many many women would be very lucky to be with... I knew it would happen some day, but it's bizzare, you know? Especially since it's my aunt (uncle's wife)'s mother XD.

Well, more to report later. [Smile] Off to lunch.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Nailo
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Well, Monday's my birthday [Smile] so yesterday me and a couple friends spent the night at my boyfriend's house. Before that, another friend came over and we baked a brownie pie a la mode, yummm. And went to eat arab food [Smile] ^^ My God, I could NEVER be anorexic. I love food too much!

And... Final Fantasy XII is now MINE!!!!! [Big Grin] Yep, I had almost forgotten what an ff fan girl I can be XD. Sooooooooooo amazing! Love the graphics (except the weird white outline on the main character's six pack >_> looks kinda weird), and the story starts out a lot darker than the rest of the ffs. And the battle mode is completely different! Not all that waiting, and you choose your encounters (except for the agros) [Smile] . Maybe the only bad thing is that Uematsu didn't compose most of the music... that guy is incredible. Oh well. Great game ^^! Alas, my boyfriend took it away from me for the week because he's just as much of a fanboy as I am or more, and...I'm still in exams. But after next week, I expect to be glued to it [Big Grin] . We're also trying to save up/beg my boyfriend's parents to buy us the Wii+ Twilight Princess. I love Zelda!!

Well, should get going to study >_>; So, um, bye.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Ushin
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psssst i got an account [Razz] !
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Karybu
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Happy (belated) birthday, Nailo! Hope it was a fantastic one.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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-Lauren-
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Uematsu.. Final Fantasy.. not.. together? Blasphemy! How can you not keep the guy responsible for One Winged Angel?! Grr.

But anyway, happy birthday, from one nerdy gamer girl to the next! [Big Grin]

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Nailo
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Lauren: I KNOW!! I was heart broken. I think it was actually Uematsu that decided he didn't want to work exclusively for Square-Enix anymore. He still collaborates, but he's not wholly responsible for the soundtracks anymore. You can tell the difference. I've played lots of that guy's music on the piano from the piano collections. I got the sheet music book for FFVIII a while ago, and my bf has the one for FFVII. Despite his slightly obvious absence, I still highly recommend the game if you like rpgs.

Both to you and Karybu, Thanks for the birthday wishes! ^^

USHIN!!!!!! For a moment I didn't recognize you and then it was like DUH! Happy you're on here!You've been a lurker for a while, haven't you? Clever of you to use your "secret" name [Wink]

***

For my birthday I got the new D&D supplement book "Complete Mage" from my mother (go magic!), the new P!NK cd from my step dad. Pause here; GREAT cd!! It's so refreshing to see a pop star with a brain. I was looking on the other thread in sexual politics about women singing positively about their sexuality. Listen to "Stupid Girl". It fits the category perfectly [Smile] . And if I understood correctly, "Fingers" does too. Ok, stop pause. I also got a Tamagotchi XD I had never had one before, and I didn't know they still existed!! I probably would never have gotten one for myself, but since a friend gave it to me, what the heck [Razz] It's fun! I am now the proud mother of Pook, a 2 year old, 17 pound tamagotchi. And he even sleeps about 13 hours! That's so great, because I don't have to worry about waking up to feed him XD. He kind of looks like a very smiley ball with a spike on his head. Yep, I'm a proud mother [Razz]

And good news for me: I got a part in the Christmas Show of the theatre I attend to!! I will be Dancer the reindeer from "The Eight: Reindeer Monologues". Dancer is a very bimbo-ish Jewish reindeer who doesn't understand why Santa doesn't give her vacation days to spend Hannukah with her family since the 24th is during the holidays [Razz] . She's clueless, though she tries to act smart- and I love her XD. I think she'll be a lot of fun to act. So happy I'm acting again!! Being on stage is heaven [Smile] Especially if I can be the center of attention if I'm there.

Another great news for me, I managed to get the sub-director of the National Theatre to pay for the tickets for my kids from the slums to see The Nutcracker!!! My boyfriend's grandmother is one of the most famous and popular actrices of Costa Rica, so she helped me get the connections. I can't wait to tell the kids; I hope they'll be as happy as I am!

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Ushin
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that reindeer sounds so cute in come ways [Razz] i think id love to see u doing that ^^~!

ushin's not really a secret name but [Razz] most people dont remember.. i was thinking of making up something totally.. different, but nah, wt for. [Razz]

those kids are going to be really thankful.. not many people spend so much time and energy for them to experience new things

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Nailo
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Ushin: try to convince your parents to let you go see me!

***

I told my kids, and they were thrilled [Smile] . You know, at first, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with them. But I kept at it, and with time, I found ways to spark their interest, and things are going really smoothly! The social worker even wants us to play jingle bells at a little festival they'll be having some time in december. I'm sure they'll be able to do it.

I really feel like I'm helping these kids now. Especially one particular girl. She's very smart, but her brother is very verbally abusive and her mother doesn't support her when she complains about it, so she thinks she's dumb. She often tells me "I can't do anything", or about the latest trouble her mother has been having with her father. They got divorced when she was little, and now he doesn't want to pay her any money to help with the kids. Sometimes, this girl gets to the class and just sits there, doing nothing, not even talking. But I realized I can't get mad at her for it. Once, she didn't want to go to class because she said that she didn't like me scolding her. I had no idea she thought that way! I barely even reaised my voice at her. She's obviously really sensitive. So I apologized and she said she'd go back. I like having her there with me, even if she's not feeling up to doing anything. I think she needs an environment in which she can feel safe, and where no one will tell her she's stupid or worthless. She needs an "adult" figure that she can feel comfortable with and look up to. I'd like to think I can provide all of that, just by her being in the class with me instead of at home with her brother.

You know, working there has really helped me too. My kids never cease to amaze me. They're so talented and intelligent, but their environment hinders their growth to the point where they don't even know how much potential they have. I went to pick up a couple of my kids (brother and sister) to their house one day, and I was shocked. We got to this small house at the end of a very uneven dirt road and asked for them, and the woman there said "they live next door". I was shocked; I thought, surely, that must be one single house! Next door ended up being a shack roughly the size of a one car garage. My kid's mother opened the door to a very dark, one room living space with dirt floors and no windows except for a small hole at the top of one of the zinc walls. And in this house lived 4 children and a mother with a baby on the way. This isn't the first time I've seen the life of the poor though. My mother's best friend is my nanny, who's been working with us since I was 6 months old. She lives in a very humble home, and seeing dirt floors and a 47 year old grandmother of 5 and mother of 9 is nothing new to me. But I had never spent so much time around this kind of life before, and my kids' house was definitely worse than my nanny's. Another thing that opened my eyes: I thought everyone here knew that Costa Rica has a National Theatre. But when I told one of the mothers that I'll take my kids there, she shrugged and said "I've never heard of it". Guess I'm more sheltered than I thought I was. But I love going there; it's so heart warming to see this community striving to go forward. I really want to help them as much as I can.

On a different note, my grandfather came to visit last week...with his new girlfriend :S. It's been very hard for my mother and me to adjust, since my grandmother died only a year ago. At least she's a woman we already knew and my grandmother liked. She's actually my uncle's (grandfather's son's) mother in law o.o. She's sweet and has good intentions...but she's good in small doses. Frankly, she annoys me. She's so ignorant! I took her and my grandfather with me to see my work with the kids in the slums, and she saw their recorders (donated by my school) and said "are those flutes made out of ivory?" (!!) And I said "no, they're plastic, they could never afford something made out of ivory". But I was thinking "THEY LIVE IN SHACKS AND YOU THINK THEY'D RATHER BUY AN IVORY FLUTE INSTEAD OF BUYING FOOD??". Soooo ignorant. I told my mother and she said "well, maybe she thinks they're like little Indian kids", but I answered "yea, but we don't have elephants here. Just look at a map, we're too small and have too many mountains to have elephants. And I don't think ivory is cheap in India, even if they do have them!". On another ocassion she asked me if the internet was the same here as it was in the U.S., and if she could still send an email the same way. I answered politely, but I was really thinking "It's called the WORLD WIDE web for a reason, you know!!!" God... yep, lots of comments like that. I mean, I know that she hasn't been out that much, but you really don't need to leave your house to know that poor people can't afford ivory flutes and a website is still the same website whether you look at it from the Congo or from Canada. And my grandfather is such an intelligent man... oh well, maybe he'll be able to teach her a thing or two. Like, that hamburgers aren't exclusive to the U.S. Ugh.

One of my best friends came back from Spain last week [Smile] He was studying architecture, but he decided that that wasn't his thing, and Spain wasn't his country, so now he's back here studying publicity design. I'm off to see The Departed with him soon. People are telling me it's good [Smile] . This friend of mine and I have a weird relationship. It's a love/hate thing on my part. I couldn't imagine not talking to him, but sometimes I want to wring his neck. More about that later.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Nailo
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Hello everyone!

I love writing, I really do. I guess what holds me back is that I know that when I do, I'll go on for pages and pages, and don't want my hands to hurt or to bore people.

So... in the most summarized way possible. What's happened since my birthday in November?

Spent Christmas and New Years on the m.s. Amsterdam!! My grandfather has been going on annual, or semi annual cruises for a few years now, but he's never taken me, despite my grandmother's wishes to take me. Now that she's gone, he wanted to fulfill her wish My first cruise! It was really great; hope to do it again some time!

Too bad my dad made it such hell to be able to go... and now my mother tells me that she can't handle him by herself anymore, and that maybe if I talked to him every once in a while we could live in peace and he won't blow up. She doesn't think that if I appease him with this, he'll be wanting more and more. I agreed to call him twice a month for short, non-conflicting calls. I still feel aweful because after all, I'm the one who has to make an effort to make things better, despite being the survivor.

But at the end of this year, I'm turning 18, and after that, I plan not to talk to him ever again. What my mother chooses to do is not going to be my problem anymore. I really don't know why she NEEDS to talk to him. He could make automatic deposits in our account, we could get a restraining order. After this year,I plan to rid myself from him and his family... even if my mother says I can't just run from the problem. What I say is, why not run from the problem if it's a problem I can't fix anyway?

On a happier note, I got a job! The director for my play at Christmas recommended me to a producer friend of hers, who needed a teenaged girl to voice act as a little boy in an animated series for children- and that would be me! I went in, and despite the sound directors underestimating me since I'm so young and have such little experience, I impressed them. The head director came up to me and told me "YOU were the surprise of today! I hadn't seen someone catch on to this as fast as you, and I've been doing this for a long time!" The series is not going to be shown in Costa Rica, but it found a market in Japan and in Europe somewhere- probably Britain. It's called "Travelling Stone" and my character's name is Kuma. If you live in Europe of Japan, look out for me!!

Dancing is going well too. We're having a tap seminar this week, and the teachers say I have lots of ability. Belly dancing is harder, physically and emotionally. I still kind of cringe at the thought of me appearing "sexy"... But it's getting better!

I'm starting 11th grade on Monday, doing the IB (Senior 6). I've heard it's really tough, but I'm sort of excited. The program is very flexible; I got to choose most of my classes, and whether I wanted to take them at a Higher level or Standard level. Plus, it's the last two years of school!!

Changing the subject. I was talking to a friend, and this was a bit annoying... Someone asked him to be a stripper for a bachellorette's party (which is ok, if he's happy with it). He has a pretty high self image, but then something he said told me he's not that sure of himself. He said "I was thinking of getting a banana hammock for Saturday. What do you think? What better example of the male body can you think of other than ME?" I answered "hmmm....I can think of a few, but I'm not all that into the male form anyway". Being told he is not the most handsome man on earth really shook him: "ok, I'm being funny, you're just being bitchy". He usually kids around with this kind of thing, but then he said "I'll go now- that really hurt my feelings. I won't ever ask you for your opinion again. Goodbye". He's probably kidding, but still... I'm just mind boggled that he get so pissed off because I said that he's not the best looking man I've ever seen. Either way, I couldn't have given him a "right answer". I have a boyfriend. If I would have agreed, he would bug me with him (which is probably what he wanted). If I don't agree with him, he gets all pouty. I'm not really affected, just feeling an eye-rolling disbelief. If he really had such great self esteem, he wouldn't have been shaken by me saying that he's nothing special. This guy has some serious issues... oh well. Yea, this is the same guy I have the "weird relationship" with.

Off for now. My boyfriend's coming over and we're going to watch Little Miss Sunshine. Yep, it just got to the theatres here XD. Bye!

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Nailo
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Just writing to say a classmate of mine, 16, died of complications from Leukemia today. I thought of putting this under support groups... maybe I'll write something in later. I'm too weak to write too much. I've never seen my grade so united though. That's what he said he wanted, too; he said that if his illness could make our grade more united, and lead us closer to God, he'd take it willingly.

So I'm off to a classmates house, to pray and talk a while. No school tomorrow because of the funeral.

I can't believe it.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Surferchk07
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Im so sorry to hear about your classmate Nailo *hugs*

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Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

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Nailo
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Thanks Surfer...

I didn't get a chance to go to my classmate's house yesterday. My mother was being really slow getting ready; I tried not to be mad at her. I really wanted to go...

I did go to the wake though. I couldn't bear to go and see him by myself, so I had to go with two other people. He looked like a baby... his cheeks were puffed up, and he was wearing a bonnet to hide his baldness.

My God... my best friend in Kindergarden... the first friend I made at my school...

I'm going to the funeral shortly, but I don't feel i have the will to eat, or to take a shower. I went to bed last night in my jeans, with the light on, without brushing my teeth... I felt too sick to move. Then again, the teeth brushing really didn't matter, since I didn't eat anything after a small lunch yesterday. I just felt so sick to my stomach, and my head was pounding. Probably didn't help that at school I was sobbing like a lunatic and almost pulling the hairs out of my head.

I'm going to sing "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan at the mass right now. I guess I should get ready; in my current state, I can barely talk.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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