I am rather open sexually, i have some intimacy issues, but never been actually really hurt or in toxic love/sex relationship, my parents were wonderful to me... yet I think I am a masochist. Since secondary school I was obsessed with the idea of sexual spanking, I love nipple clamps and stuff like that. I am not really sex experienced, but I can get aroused without the strong sensations of pain, but I enjoy them. SOmetimes late at night I go to the sex chats and play online slave to strangers, letting them decide how long I will put pegs on my nipples etc. The thing is... I am afraid of myself. I see it as a "darker side" of myself that I can keep down (have "normal" sex without BDSM elements), I feel fascinated by those who went all the way into being a submissive slave, but there's a certain limit of pain I can take... tak still arouses me. This masochism includes only sexual and sex-related situations, as I avoid pain in the other aspects of my life. I know it's not healthy, but I don't seem to be able to stop and also I have no idea why I desire the pain.
I am sorry, I am really confused and it's not like i can talk about it with too many people. I think I need your help.
thank you in advance.
Posts: 7 | From: Poland | Registered: May 2010
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Can you perhaps talk a little bit about why you believe that this is not healthy?
There are a lot of different kinds of healthy sexuality.
Also, I do want to check in with you to make sure you're being safe on these online chats--safe includes not giving any identifying information to strangers.
It's pretty tough, as you've said, to talk about BDSM-related interests and desires with people, but that doesn't make these desires wrong.
It would also help to know if you're in a relationship now, or if you have been in the past.
Masochism is not inherently unhealthy, nor does it have to spring from a history of toxic relationships and abuse. Consensual sex play that involves pain is greatly enjoyable for a lot of people. I feel like the most dangerous part of this situation for you is your sense of shame, and the fact that you are seeking out sex play with strangers out of fear of admitting that masochism is something you feel in any other context. I agree with Robin Lee, you should make sure that these chat situations are safe for you. You don't have to have an explanation for why you enjoy pain, it's not something you have to justify to anyone.
You might want to try to get your hands on a copy of the book "Safe, Sane, and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism" to give yourself a wider perspective on what masochistic behavior can mean to people and how it can be enacted in a safe and healthy way.
I myself have sadistic and masochistic interests, and have explored them with all of the sexual partners I've had. I promise you that it's possible to hurt someone or have them hurt you in a consensual, mutually negotiated scenario and still have a healthy relationship where you love and respect each other as people. BDSM interests do not make you a bad person.
Posts: 59 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012
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