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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Trying to understand my sexuality.

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Author Topic: Trying to understand my sexuality.
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Hey! So this is a pretty basic question, but I'm just sort of arriving on the nitty gritty details and definitions of different components of our sexualities. I do understand that in the end this is about how I choose to identify and run my life, but I do also want to know if anyone else understands my experience with my sexuality, and can maybe enlighten me more on what I'm expressing? Thank you!

Essentially, I identify as straight, but I have on occasion been attracted to girls. Sometimes it's purely physical (as in maybe seeing a picture of their face on social networking or something or other. Not actually knowing them at all) and sometimes I find that it's a very personality-driven attachment.

The catch is, I don't see myself as dating or being in a relationship with a woman. Yes, I may be attracted by their look or their particular personality, but it usually ends up with me wanting to just get with them sexually and as friends, but nothing more.

This next thing is really just an oddball for me to throw out there, possibly not even concerning the rest of what I've just mentioned. Personally I have found it very hard to have friendships with women. Most of my friends are male, and most of them are gay. Forming friendships with heterosexual men has always been a bit of a stumbling block for me, and often intimidating. It's been this way for quite some time in my life, and I don't know why really. I just don't feel as comfortable being friends with girls sometimes. Sure I have a few, but only one that I'm super close with.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and let me know your thoughts on what I'm experiencing/where I fall on a technical definition scale!

[ 08-08-2012, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: WonderYears ]


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Executive Director & Founder
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One of the biggest problems with the sexuality framework of heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual is that it's only three boxes for a LOT of people, and for a lot of people who don't fit in those boxes.

Generally speaking, though, the term homosexual means someone who is solely OR primarily sexually and/or romantically attracted to people of a different sex or gender than them. For a pretty small group of people, in a lifetime, that is only. But for a much bigger group, it's not: it's mostly.

Mind, this can be tricky, this space where you're at, because we don't live in a world -- even though it's been getting a little better over time -- that normalizes same-sex or same-gender sexual or romantic relationships. So, even a lot of people who are pretty sure they're gay or lesbian have a hard time picturing themselves in relationships with those of the same sex or gender. It's hard to create a picture we rarely see, and one very different from the picture so many of us are painted from when we are very small, where those relationships are always about men and women.

On top of all of that, it's also pretty typical fro women to have a hard time with relationships with other women, especially during adolescence, the twenties, and sometimes beyond. We can mostly thank sexism for that one: women are culturally often put in competition with one another so often have to unlearn that before they can have sound relationships, even friendships.

All that said, I can't tell you how you should identify: only you can know what feels like the right language or term for you (and none at all is also always an option).

How do you feel, what feels right to you, and how do you want to identify?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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