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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » New to sexuality-- questioning, dating, etc.

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Author Topic: New to sexuality-- questioning, dating, etc.
SheepySeahorse
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Member # 94239

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So--

I've a pretty long-winded story.
I'm a freshman in college, and have known that I do find some images of women sexually attractive for some time. However, almost all of my crushes have been on men from sixth grade onward. I would continuously wonder what would be like to have a boyfriend, to be kissed, held by a boy. I've always been attracted (tough not necessarily turned on) by the Patrick Fugit-Emile Hirsch type along with the occasional smoldering of Johnny Depp or Rodrigo Santoro. I went on my first date just before break with an amazing, cute, sweet, nerdy guy who'd asked me out after getting to know me through work and e-mail who seemed to connect with me well. The date went very well and we even kissed! However, during the five weeks that followed, I became more aware of my sexual attraction to women than ever before. I got "flooded" if you will. I continued chatting online and I liked talking, but the feelings continued to irk me. After break, we did talk about it and are still going out and he really likes me and is a very open minded guy (who's even admitted to a man crush or two) and have had kissings and cuddlings, but I'm not sure if they've turned me on as expected. These thoughts persist, but mores sexually than intellectually. I know I'm new to all this, so it would be overwhelming, though also natural, regardless if I was straight or not. Basically, I'm bi-curious, the word lesbian has circled around my head numerous times (maybe because its easier to say than bi-sect-u-all-- even though I think that may be what I am more accurately). So, I guess, what now? I really like this guy, we click amazingly well and I like being near him and speaking in silly voices and doing silly things. Yes, I have googled the Kinsey Scale. I have also told my mother that I'm bi. Any thoughts, for sexuality discovering or even just dating??

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New to all this

Posts: 22 | From: College | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SheepySeahorse
Neophyte
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Regarding the last parentheses, I mean that I think I may be bisexual.

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New to all this

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, for one thing, trying to figure out how you feel about all men and women based just on feelings about one guy would be really, really, reaching. No one person can give us the kind of broader information it sounds like you're seeking.

As well, most people can find way more than one person at a time sexually attractive or of sexual or romantic interest. In other words, we can even be with someone we are so, so into on all those levls and yet still have interest in others. Having those feelings for one person will rarely, especially over time, magically wipe those feelings about or for others away. Know what I mean?

I hear you talking about a longtime pattern of attraction to men and women alike. Do I have that right? If so, it certainly makes sense you'd identify as bisexual, and it sounds like you're pretty comfortable with that, especially given the big step of coming out to a parent.

So, I suppose I'm a little bit lost as to what you're looking for here: can you try and fill me in a bit more? [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SheepySeahorse
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Ever since I was pretty young, I've been very drawn to women. There was even one time when I was in first grade when I told people that I wish that the world was only girls. I also kissed a boy in class once that same year and became the avid, awkward girl who chased boys around at recess. But as I got older, I realized that even though I was in a co-ed school, I wanted to understand boys more. I began going through puberty before most of my classmates and was constantly fascinated by sexuality, reproduction, etc. I was , and am very shy and awkward around people, period. Most of my close friends have been girls who I tend to hang out with either one-on-one or in very small groups. I knew that I wanted to date a guy to have the experience and to have a strong, male figure in my life who liked me as much as I liked him. After several crushes, some stronger than others, I decided it was best to wait for college. Although I still knew that I would rather date a guy, the idea of dating a girl in college seemed not as bad, especially at a tiny liberal arts college that has much more girls than guys. My previous crush was on a guy who I guess dived into the college experience a lot, someone who would typically be the shy, awkward nerdy type who became different. But the guy I got to know from work and one of my classes was a blessing. Even though it was he who asked me out, I was sort of egging him on in our chats. Then during break I became more conscious than ever of my sexual attraction towards images of women. The idea of me being gay or at least bisexual
seemed/seems more likely than ever before. The parent who I came out to does not know about the guy I'm dating and probably thinks that I have a crush on a girl and am just becoming aware. I really like spending time with this guy and we definitely "click" in many ways and I do find him cute, quirky, open-minded, funny, smart and sensitive but putting my interests first, but I still have this weird feeling inside that hasn't gone away yet. We're taking things at a reasonable, calm pace, which I find to be a good thing. I guess I'm wondering what is next? How to relax? Any advice from people in similar situations? Sexuality in this sense on it being a two-way thing is new to me and I am afraid of stepping out of the closet and into a box. I feel very confused.

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Alice
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First of all: hi. [Smile]

You said that you "still have this weird feeling inside that hasn't gone away yet." I'm wondering if you could try to be a bit more clear about what that feeling is, if you can?

From reading your two posts here, my theory is that you perhaps are feeling uncomfortable with not having a definitive status to label your sexual orientation as (which, of course, is fine and a very common experience).

Also, you said that you are "afraid of stepping out of the closet and into a box." Do you feel that if it's possible you're primarily attracted to girls that dating this guy would make you feel like you're squelching your sexuality?

I'm making some broad assumptions here because I'm not entirely understanding what you're asking us, but I'd like to try to help you figure it out.

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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SheepySeahorse
Neophyte
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Well, the weird feeling is the idea of me being attracted to girls mixed with being in a relationship with the guy. I do feel as if I am "squelching my sexuality" but I feel as if I would be going through the same thing if I was dating a girl and always wondering what it would be like to be with a guy. I do feel as if most of the attractions that I have felt towards girls have been different than those towards guys. That also goes with the idea of going into a box-- I feel like I would be denying or lying to myself.
On an intellectual level, the guy and I get along very well. I've never really clicked with someone in the way that I've clicked with him, and I can't help but think of him as more than just a friend. When we touch it doesn't feel awkward or forced, but still there is feels like something is not quite there. Do things change with time? Having this special male presence in my life does feel important to me and I have told him that I am trying to figure out my sexuality. I'm actually a bit afraid of labeling, although, for now, I do find myself more in the bisexual/bi-curious category. I don't feel, or am not ready to "polarize" my sexuality, especially since I am still fairly early in this relationship. I'm not quite sure what I'm asking either. I think I'm just one of those people who worries/wonders about the future a lot. I guess I just wish that he was the only thing, sexuality-wise, that I think about.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, if you are like most people, including straight people, you only ever thinking about one person sexually isn't at all likely.

I'm getting the feeling you're perhaps taking about a zillion leaps ahead when it comes to your life and this relationship, thinking about exploring this relationship as being something that could feasibly limit the whole rest of your life.

This is a first relationship. Chances are that all by itself, just because of typical development with people, it's not going to be something you're in your whole life. It may not even be something you're in for more than six months if you wind up in typical patterns with early relationships.

Now, if you're not feeling like a physical/sexual relationship feels right with this, like something big is missing, then whatever your orientation, this just might not be that kind of relationship for you, with this individual AS an individual, not some kind of one-person rep for his whole gender.

I think for now, it's most sound for you to focus on now: do you want to explore this kind of relationship with this individual now and for the very near-future?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SheepySeahorse
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I want to get to know this individual better and for whatever may come. I'm not only figuring out who I am, but who he is as well. I looked through the steps of knowing "When You are Ready" steps so I think now I will have a better idea of at what point that I feel as if this relationship will be even bigger than it is.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, there you go. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SheepySeahorse
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Member # 94239

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Hey--
It's me again. I guess since I'm continued to being flooded by my awareness of being attracted to girls and remembering memories related to them, I was wondering how you guys defined being "attracted to" or "having a crush on someone" I guess referring to how much my crushes on guys have actually been crushes or curiosity or just acknowledging that they're attractive, nice etc.
I haven't gone on another date with the guy yet, but we are continuing to hang out at school and stuff, so I was just checking in to see what should be next. I've decided for now to not really define my sexuality as he is the first guy I've dated. Also, any relaxation techniques for a worry-wort like moi?

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Heather
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When we're talking about sexual attraction -- since, of course, we can feel attracted to people, say, we want to be friends with but don't have sexual feelings for -- I'd say the best summation would be that feeling sexual attraction is finding you experience feelings you identify as sexual in relationship to or triggered by another person.

If that doesn't help, maybe that you feel drawn to that person in a way you experience as sexual, feel a desire to be sexual in some way with that person. When you're around that person or thinking about them, they speak to something in our sexuality.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SheepySeahorse
Neophyte
Member # 94239

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Thanks!
That makes sense!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(Btw, I deleted a post here that talked about not wanting to "lead a guy on." I meant to leave a comment addressing that that wasn't a sound framework, and a really problematic way to look at things we're not down with here, but I pushed delete by accident. My apologies, even though the post itself was a bit iffy.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SheepySeahorse
Neophyte
Member # 94239

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For now, the guy and I are taking things slow and there has only been some physical stuff between us. As mentioned, I have already told him about my same-sex attractions and that we shouldn't rush into things and he's cool with that. I see why the whole "leading him on" thing would be bad, but we're both sort of new to this and do have some interests in common. I read another post in the GLBT relationship section from a couple of years ago of a girl in a similar situation, so I have a better grip of what are different ways to approach this relationship/feelings as well as identifying myself. But my motto for this year is "one day at a time." I'll let you guys know how things progress.

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