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Author Topic: Attracted to gays
Ohana626
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I'm a straight girl, but I've noticed that for the past few years, all of the guys I've been attracted to turn out to be gay. This might sound silly, but I was wondering if there were straight guys out there who mirrored gay behavior in terms of the...stereotypical "gay"; a little flamboyant, into theater and such things, a little feminine.
I joke with my friends that I want to be the "pants" in the relationship, mainly because I like being the boss, and like guys who are a little feminine.
I'm not sure if this question is offensive in any way; I'm new to talking about subjects like this. Thanks for reading, and any insight would be appreciated [Big Grin]

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CoatRack
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It looks like what we need to do here is break down some stereotypes.

There are all kinds of straight people and all kinds of gay people. There are a lot of straight men who happen to like like any number of things that people typically stereotype as “gay.” Liking a certain kind of music does not reflect anything on your orientation – the only think it reflects on is your taste in music. A lot of times people will like a certain thing and not express that simply because society is so bad about stereotyping and assuming.

The other thing I'd like to touch on is your comment about wanting to wear the “pants” in the relationship. Relationships are about communication, respect, and working together as two (or three, or more) people. When one person wants to control everything the relationship gets uneven very quickly. Additionally, men who break some stereotypes are not less likely to want to be a full-fledged participant in a relationship.

Respect and understanding are so important in relationships, so having respect for the person you are entering a relationship with is really necessary for a healthy relationship. Saying that you want to be the “boss” in a relationship can look like having a lack of respect for the other person/people in the relationship.

[ 02-23-2011, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Ohana626
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I understand how stereotyping has been getting out of hand recently in society, and I only used that for lack of better phrasing. There is, however, some truth to the stereotypes, even if not all people fit into them. I say this because I have yet to find a straight guy who acts the way my gay friends do, and most of my gay friends act in a similar manner (that could be coincidental, of course).
About my comment about being the "pants" and the boss; I have no intention of trying to control everything in a relationship. And, generally speaking, I have respect towards everybody, so there is no way I would enter a relationship without having full respect for the person. I apologize for my poor phrasing in my question; I honestly did not mean to sound so insensitive.
I brought this up in the first place because I currently like a gay friend of mine; I love his personality, but I have yet to find someone with his personality who is straight. (although, to be honest, I haven't had a wide spectrum to look) I want someone like my gay friend, and I was just wondering if there were guys out there like that.

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CoatRack
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Could the reason that you've yet to meet a straight friend who acts the way your gay friends do have anything to do with pressure and stereotyping? Your straight friends may really LOVE theater but don't want to make that known because people would stereotype and assume that they were gay.

Let's say that you REALLY love Brussels sprouts. LOVE them. But most of society thinks that people who love Brussels sprouts also happen to be gay, and you know that you aren't. So you might eat Brussels sprouts at home when you are just around your family who grew up with your love of Brussels sprouts and don't think it's that weird, and maybe a couple of your close friends know your love for the sprout but, by and large, you don't let people know.

Some of your straight friends may love theater and may be putting on a façade to act more traditionally masculine so that society doesn't assume they are gay based on things that have no influence on sexual orientation. Some of your gay friends may not actually love theater as much as it seems they do, but they know that drama club is a safe space where they will be free from judgment and ridicule.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and/or queer people are not monolithic or homogeneous. We don't all like the same things. There is nothing in our build that predisposes all gay men to like theater, just like not all lesbians play softball. These are stereotypes that end up influencing how people act.

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Heather
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I think it's also worth a reminder that some reasons those of us who are queer wind up having interest in certain things which are considered stereotypically queer are because those areas can wind up providing us safe spaces and places to get community.

In other words, in plenty of places, especially when people are younger, it's a lot safer for a young gay guy to get involved in theater than in football; safer for a young lesbian to get involved in softball than in beauty pageants. It can also be easier to find LGBT community in interests/areas/groups where we are "expected" to be, or where clear messages have been sent that those are the places where we're allowed to be and belong.

Know what I mean?

Something else you may be experiencing is about gender more than orientation. In so many ways, people feeling threatened by queer people is actually people being threatened by people living or presenting outside gender norms. It can be somewhat easier -- even though it has its own cost -- for those of us who are out with our orientation to be comfortable living and presenting and behaving outside limited gender norms than it can for straight people because we're not afraid of anyone thinking we might be gay.

It could well be that the reason you haven't yet met any straight guys like your gay friends is about the straight guys worries around masculinity and other's perceptions of their masculinity, since that's often going to be way more loaded for them.

The good news is that the older all of you get, the safer it also usually gets for people in this regard, so you'll probably tend to meet more straight men like you're looking for if and when you age out or move out of environments where they simply don't feel safe or assertive in having interests or acting in ways in which their masculinity and orientation gets questioned.

That said? Plenty of queer people have their own issues with conformity, especially when just establishing identity. So, it's not like the gay guys you know are immune to the desire to fit in and be recognized, either, which may be part of why it can look like a lot of them are dressing, looking or acting the same. For most of them, in time, that'll probably change too, as they also diversify their social and general environments and get more comfortable with who they are uniquely.

[ 02-24-2011, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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randomelle
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I feel your pain.

Though once I fell for a guy who I thought was 100% gay (based on what he talked about during a GLOW(gay, lesbian, or whatever) meeting). But later he told me that he is Bi.

Just hope one of the guys you like turns out to be in between or straight.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I just wanted to pitch in here Ohana, and say that I have a friend who is mistaken for gay all the time because he is incredibly effeminate. Or perhaps it could be better stated that he likes a lot of the things that are stereotypically gay interests. So there are guys out there who fit the profile you're attracted to, that are straight. I agree with Heather on what she said about why it may be that people seem to conform to these stereotypes.

(Oops, just noticed that this thread is pretty old, sorry. I'll keep my post intact incase the person who brought this thread back up to the top of the pile is interested in what I had to say.)

[ 03-23-2012, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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