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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Confused. (Page 2)

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OneOfThree
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I think it is a good idea and one I know I should do but I can't fight the feeling that when it gets to the end of a seshion I'll freak out and not tell her, that's what I've done so many times when I was going to come out to someone, I can see myself doing it again.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Okay, well are you putting a lot of pressure on yourself at those times? To be sure if it's something that you're feeling concerned about you will feel a bit of pressure no matter what, but it would help if you sort of let yourself off the hook with it. If you sort of think "okay, well I'd really like to bring it up next time, but if I don't it's not the end of the world, there's always the time after that." Sometimes, as soon as the pressure is off it becomes a whole lot easier to do something that has been something one has been worrying about.

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OneOfThree
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I guess. I'm going to try, I see her on thursday so I'll try then. [Smile]
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Good luck! [Smile]

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Heather
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A tip? Sometimes what you can do with something like this is write what you want to tell a therapist on a piece of paper. When you walk in, you can say there's something you want to talk about, but feel nervous about, so you wrote it down. You can ask that if you don't bring it up in the session that they read it when you've left so they can talk about it with you next time, with them initiating the talk (which might be easier).

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OneOfThree
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I'll probaly do that, I tried to tell her on thursday but just couldn't do it [Frown]
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OneOfThree
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I was just wondering somthing, I've been at a sleep over with a couple of friends yesterday, I slept in the same bed as one of them, what I was wondering is that seeing as I think I'm gay, is it rong for me to do that? x
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, "wrong" is subjective, that is it is up to you whether or not it feels wrong for you, but I'll give you my take on it.

DISCLAIMER: That which follows is my opinion, and is not necessarily fact. Please feel free to disagree with anything that I say, and if I make any unfair generalizations, please call me out on them.

Personally, I don't think that there is anything wrong with sleeping in the same bed as someone of the same gender when you're gay. Being bisexual myself, I've faced a lot of times where I've asked myself that very question and others like it. But for me it came down to, if I can't possibly have platonic friends, then I can't possibly have any friends. Now while you yourself aren't bisexual but gay ( ps, would you prefer I refer to your orientation as gay, lesbian or something else altogether? ) it doesn't change that, at least in my opinion, that they're is nothing wrong with this.

The thing is that, for better or worse, what anyone feels is right or wrong is going to be heavily influenced by society. Society says that it is okay for two straight girls to sleep in a bed together, but that it isn't okay for a straight girl and a straight guy to sleep in a bed together, unless they're dating. Society says that it is okay for a gay guy and a straight girl to sleep in a bed together. What is considered "okay" and/or "socially acceptable" about any other people sleeping in the same bed is dubious.

I don't think that there is anything wrong at all with sleeping in the same bed as a female friend. I sleep in the same bed as my female friends frequently (and these friends are aware that I'm queer) and no one has any issue with it. I change in front of my female friends and they change in front of me. I even had a (female) friend ask me to help her with her bra.

So while you may feel differently than I do, there is nothing inherently wrong with it. But I certainly understand why it may feel that way, and I have been there before.

EDIT: When I say "if I can't have any platonic friends, then I can't have any friends" I mean that if I were attracted to everyone in my potential dating pool, it would be impossible for me to have friends who were just friends, but since I have friends that are just friends, that proves that it is possible for a female who is attracted to females to have platonic female friends.

[ 02-18-2012, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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~moonlight

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OneOfThree
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THank you for replying. I understand what you say. I like beeing talked about as beeing gay, for some weird reson it doesn't seem as formal. is that stupid?
I didn't feel uncomftible sleeping in the same bed as her, I just thought that it might be moraly rong. seeing as she doesn't know I'm gay. I got closer to telling them, we were playing 21 dares and someone goes 'who do think's they'll be gay when there older'
we went rond the for of us asking and when it came to me I just go 'I don't even know, maybe. I suppose I could see it happeneing'
they didn't make a big deal, just carried on playing. I'm kinda deprest that I didn't say more but its a start. [Smile]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hmm, I typed a reply and I thought that I'd sent it, but apparentally I did not.

First off, no it isn't stupid to prefer to be called gay. You get to pick what you label your orientation, I only asked because I wasn't sure what you prefered. (If it helps, when I thought I was gay, I too prefered to be called that, rather than lesbian). And you're right gay does have a decidedly less formal feel to it, perhaps because it is used more often?

And again, there is nothing morally wrong with you sleeping in the same bed as a friend. But that is my opinon and that is a call that you need to make for yourself. I can't tell you whether it's morally wrong for you, only you can do that.

And it does sound like a good start with your friends. [Smile] and don't worry about telling them, you'll tell them when you're ready.

Madeline you've come a huge way since your first post on Scarleteen. You've done some really difficult, but really beneficial, things in your life. You certainly still have a long way to come, but you've done some of the hardest things (like getting help for your cutting) and you deserve props! Go you, you're doing really well with all of this [Smile] !

How have things been with you and your parents? With you and your counselor?

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~moonlight

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OneOfThree
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my pairents have desided that if they pretend it never happened then it didn't. I'm not alloud to talk about it. I'm producing a album with some of my friends and I was writing lyrics. I left my notbook on top of our piano and got shouted at for ages for one of my lines. all it said was 'when there was no love, my blood used to come second best' my mom got so angry telling me I was porading self harm about like some kind of 'cheep whore'. that kind of hurt. also, my dad deleted alode of music on my ipod because it was skylar grey and she talked about how she used to cut herself in a interview.
I've still not talked to my councler about being gay verry much. I've desided that I just don't feel righ talking to her about it, and she's been helping with everything else self conferdence and stuff.
I'm really pleased with my progress. I feel better about beeing gay, I've not talked about it out loud really to anyone yet - but I'm at peace with myself about it. i don't fantisise about dieing anymore, which I used to do alot. I also don't tell myself that I can pretend to be strate forever and get buy. I've been given so much help. thank you again (:

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Robin Lee
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First of all, yay for you. Remember how strong you are. [Smile]

I can hear that the way your parents reacted is distressing you. That's perfectly understandable, given that it's still very much a part of your life even if you're no longer cutting. I think it's understandable that your parents have negative feelings about it, and just wish it would go away. This may well be more out of a sense of guilt or other negative feelings than an intention to hurt you. It doesn't make it right for you though.

What do you think about talking with your counsellor about this? It's good that she's helping you, but you still do need support at home.

And a thought about the whole sleeping in bed with a friend. When we sleep in bed with friends, regardless of our sexual orientation, we're not thinking about sex with them, and they're likely not thinking about sex with us. [Smile] As Moonlight said, only you know what's right for you, but know that it's not deceitful. If you had some sort of contageous rash and didn't tell someone you were going to share a bed with, well, that might be deceitful. [Smile]

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Robin

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OneOfThree
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thank you for replying.
I've considered talking to my councler about it. I just don't find it easy. I also worry that she'll get my mom and dad taken away.

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OneOfThree
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If its not to much trouble, I do have a nother question, I'm in school production playing one of the leads, and they desided to make me use a head set microphone. the ones where the cable has to do down the bottem of your top. anyways, there is thing that has to connect to your bra. the person playing one of the leads (Katelyn) said she'd put mine on for me, because its dificult to put it on yourself. I'm the youngest one in the production, most of them are 16 to 18 all in the school above me but because i'm a 'student of merit' I'm aloud to do productions with the upper school. anyways, I wasn't aroused or anything when she put the mikeraphone on, she had to put her hand down my top and trying and find my bra strap and it was all really close. Its just I didn't feel as if I was beeing... right. I meen, I think she's verry pretty. Not in a pervy way, I just noticed that the first time I met her that I was... attractive.... I wasn't thinking about her in a sexual way when she was connecting the mike, I just feel that because she was older... I don't know, I just felt as If I was doing somthing rong.... Is that right? I'm really confused. as ushal. x
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Again, I really don't think that you were doing anything wrong here. But it does sound like you were uncomfortable when she was doing this, so next time you could just do the microphone yourself if you would feel more comfortable that way.

And it's never "pervy" to feel attracted to someone, or just to find them pretty or attractive. You can frame it this way: would it be wrong if one of your straight female friends thought about a guy in this way? If the answer is no, then there is nothing wrong with the way that you feel. I know it can feel different because people just assume that you're straight, and so they aren't thinking that you could be feeling that way, but really, it's their issue when they make assumptions.

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Robin Lee
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As Moonlight said, you can always opt to do something like that yourself if her touching you makes you uncomfortable. Your body is your own and you get to decide who gets close to it. Also know that touching and interactions don't have to mean sexual.

And, you are not hurting or threatening people by being gay. [Smile]

By the way, I saw your discussion about preferring the word gay. I thought you might like to know that Audre Lorde, who was an American poet who partnered with women, usually used the term gay women to describe lesbians.

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Robin

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OneOfThree
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thank you both for replying.
With the insdent with the mike, its one of those things where It was really hard to do it myself, the teachers aren't aloud to help for obvouse resons and she was beeing nice. I just felt rong. I understand that Its probly me beeing in-sucure.
Somthing else I've been having trouble with is that in this production I'm playing someones mother. I've been told I need to act 'mumzie'. So, the 5 femail teachers who are working on this production, when ever they are coming up to me are hugging me. this is to make me feel less uncomftible hugging someone older than me. the charicter who is playing my daughter, is really pretty. I feel rong when I touch her. I don't know why - i'm beeing stupid but I have a problem with it. and every time the teachers come up to me and hug me I feel like a creep. I'm don't know why, I'm beeing a idiot. I just feel really bad. The reson, i feel so rong for doing so is because I'm the yongest there. I also look resonbly young for my age as well. They'd never exspect that I was gay and that is what makes what I'm doing rong. The person playing my daughter thinks its 'cute' that I get so nervous when hugging and beeing close to people. The teachers say that I'm the 'sweetest person they've ever met' but they wouldn't think any of theese things if they knew my reson for being so... to myslef was because I was a homosexual...

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Robin Lee
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I'd like to understand what you're saying a little more.

Are you saying that you think people wouldn't like you anymore if they knew you were gay?

I'm also wondering if you're saying that the only reason you're sweet around girls is because you're gay?

You know, right, that lots of female friends are very huggy and affectionate with each other--while they talk about their boyfriends? That is, girls can spend time together, and share physical affection, regardless of their sexuality.

One thing that I'm hearing is that you're uncomfortable with a lot of the physical contact that goes on with being in theatre.

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Robin

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OneOfThree
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I think people would like me, maybe in difrent ways. I think that they wouldn't be so huggy and touchy to me if they knew that I was attracted to some wimin and if they knew that I had kept it from them while they had been so affectionnate they'd be angry.
WHat I ment buy the sweet thing is that they say I'm sweet and that kind of thing because I'm so nervouse around girls. I always pull my sleeves over my hands and somtimes stutter unless I'm playing a part - the reson they think I'm sweet is because I'm so nervouse. that is because I'm gay. I don't know if that makes sence, say if it doesn't.
I understand about femail friends beeing huggy and stuff, it that if they knew I way gay the might not want to hug or touch me.
And yes - I really am.

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OneOfThree
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I think people would like me, maybe in difrent ways. I think that they wouldn't be so huggy and touchy to me if they knew that I was attracted to some wimin and if they knew that I had kept it from them while they had been so affectionnate they'd be angry.
WHat I ment buy the sweet thing is that they say I'm sweet and that kind of thing because I'm so nervouse around girls. I always pull my sleeves over my hands and somtimes stutter unless I'm playing a part - the reson they think I'm sweet is because I'm so nervouse. that is because I'm gay. I don't know if that makes sence, say if it doesn't.
I understand about femail friends beeing huggy and stuff, it that if they knew I way gay the might not want to hug or touch me.
And yes - I really am.

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OneOfThree
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Also, I feel that I'm beeing rude not telling them seeing as they are treating me so... nicely.
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Kachina
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I'm so sorry you feel that people wouldn't want to touch you if they knew you were gay [Frown] I don't think it's rude to not announce every personal detail of your life to every person you meet. especially if it's true that they would like you less or withhold affection from you if they DID know. It's not really anyone's business what kind of people you are attracted to except someone you are wanting to date or someone you want to tell, and you don't deserve to be treated any differently no matter what your attractions are.

Straight people don't go around announcing to everyone they are straight, I don't see why anyone who isn't straight should feel obligated to do that either. It's not like it changes who you are, or gives you cooties or something. It won't hurt anyone to touch you or hug you or like you no matter what your orientation is.

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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OneOfThree
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I guess your right. Its just I feel dirty or rong when I do...
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Kachina
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Being gay is not dirty or wrong. Why do you think you feel that way?

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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WesLuck
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Probably homophobic influences in society (well, there are definitely some of these).

Anyway, just interjecting. Go on.

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OneOfThree
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I feel rong for acting strate. Because, people will exspect I like men so treat me as if I like men, but I don't . so when pretty girls hug me like a friend, I potenchaly could not see them like a friend. and thats bad - because I'm cheating them in some way. I'm almost lieing to them.
I just don't know to be honest why I feel so bad about it. I don't want to be gay. I'm so ashamed I can't say the word lesbien to my mom with out blushing. I got asked out buy a boy in my class yesterday and I said no because I 'wasn't intrested' but the truth was, I'm not 'intrested' in any boys. that makes me feel stupid.
and I feel like I'm some kind of pervert for beeing attracted to girls. because they don't exspect it thats what I find worst. because I'm some kind of creep for beeeing attracted to them intsted of boys. so badly that I just don't talk to any femails that I'm not close with and also thats why I get so nervouse, stuttering and stuff. because I don't know how to act, I'm worried I'll slip up and say somthing stupid.

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Heather
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quote:
so when pretty girls hug me like a friend, I potenchaly could not see them like a friend. and thats bad - because I'm cheating them in some way. I'm almost lieing to them.
How are you "cheating" them? Let's try this: if and when a straight girl hugs a guy she may or may not be attracted to, is she cheating him? If so, of what?

I'm also not sure about this idea that it's perverse to be attracted to people who may not expect you to be attracted to them. Can you fill me in more on that?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OneOfThree
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I don't know, it Just doesn't feel right. they'll treat you compleetly normaly with out knowing that you could potenchaly see them in a difren't way that they see you. Its stupid, I just don't feel right.
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OneOfThree
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and with a guy (sorry for forgeting to add this before) most pretty people will almost exspect that they'll be atracted to them, also its more likely. I think at least.
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OneOfThree
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I'm pretty sure theres somthing rong with me.
A boy in my class asked me to be his girlfriend today. I'm so confused because I really want to say yes. But I'm now sure that I'm gay, and I've come to terms with that but I like the idea of having him be my boyfriend. I meen, for about a month, we've been really close and everyone has been saying that he likes me and its only a matter of time before we started dating. but I'm just confused. because I don't see him in a sexual way, but I don't anyone boy or girl of my age really like that. I like the idea of him beeing my boyfriend. Whats rong with me? [Frown]

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Heather
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Well, let's check in: you do or you don't have romantic or sexual feelings for this guy?

Usually when someone asks about being boyfriends or girlfriends, they are inviting someone to join them in pursuing a romantic and/or sexual relationship together. Is that what he wants? If so, is that what you want?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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OneOfThree
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No, I don't have sexual feelings for him.
I don't know what he wants, I'm not even sure what I want. I know I like him as a friend. I know that he's nice and I'd like to call someone my partner. but I'm really confused because I like the idea. I really do, telling people he was my boyfriend but I'm not really attracted to him...

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Heather
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So, sounds like before anything else, you need to know what he's even asking you for. You say you've gotten really close, so talking about that should be doable.

But it also sounds like you seem to be saying the value for you in having a boyfriend would be about telling others you do. Can you say why you think that would be of value for you? Is that about having some cover to hide your orientation?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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OneOfThree
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I don't know, Its not to hide my orientation. I don't think so, some people might suspect because I'm crazy about gay rights but I don't know. I just like the idea, I don't know why and cant exsplain it. I don't want to lead him on or anything, like I said were really close. I'd like somone to talk to, tell secrets and stuff. like they do in the movies when people are dating.
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Heather
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Sounds to me like you're looking for a friend: we can tell secrets to our friends, no?

I'd not think about this as "leading someone on." I'd think more about it as if you're agreeing to something they're asking for or not, and if you're being honest with them about your feelings. For instance, does this person know you don't have the kinds of feelings for him you've said you don't? If he did know, do you think he'd be asking you for this?

The point is, there are two people involved here, two people who could benefit or couldn't, two people who could get their feelings hurt or not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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