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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Participated in sexual activity for the first time last night? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Participated in sexual activity for the first time last night?
Samantha764
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Like I'm literally scared to go pee in the bathroom right now because I'm scared to take off my pants. I even hand sanitized three times and washed my hands 3 times right after.
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Samantha764
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Why do I feel so disappointed/dirty? I actually don't know why. When my bf was apologizing to me and promising to be better I felt so good. Now I'm sitting here in my room anxious, scared and disappointed and dirty.
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Robin Lee
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The situation you are describing just can't make you pregnant. *gentle smile* Sperm don't slie down anywhere. One way I like to think of it is that if semen, which is the fluid that sperm is in and hthe lfuid that it needs to move, so if semen makes any stops between penis and vulva, such as on hands or on clothes or on hair or on...anything...the sperm is no longer viable.

So, you acan't transfer sperm from your hand to the waistband of your jeans then have it crawl down your skin into your vagina and make you pregnant. Just....not....possible.

So you felt good when your boyfriend was talking to you, and now you feel bad and dirty. Can you tell us a little more about that so we can figure out why you're feeling like that? One thing I'm wondering is how you felt about the making out after you had explained your boundaries to him?

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Robin

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September
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How did you feel about the sexual activity you engaged in today? Did you want to be sexual with him? Were you sexually aroused, and enthusiastic about engaging in sex with him?

I ask, because it is very possible that your pregnancy anxiety is your body's way of letting you know that it is not comfortable with what happened.

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Samantha764
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Thank you [Smile] It's just because I searched it up on the internet if you could get pregnant even if you were wearing jeans and some forums popped up saying "Not likely, but still possible". When you say that I won't get pregnant from that.. Do you mean it in a "not likely" type of way, or a "that's impossible" type of way?

And Robin and Joey, I felt really good with kissing him again. I missed him and I felt closer to him. But once he pushed my head down there again because he "was in a rush for work", I didn't feel so good. Like, I love the kissing him, making out, cuddling, hugging and stuff. But as soon as our genitals are involved in any way.. I feel so dirty and anxious about it. In all honesty, when he pushed my head down, i wanted to to somehow find a way to stop it and he said "well, you're already down there. You can't really stop now". Do my feelings make sense? I hope they did :/

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Robin Lee
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What you describe is a "relaly can't get pregnant from that" sort of thing. As I said above, any semen that might have been on your fingers would have had dead sperm in it. Sperm isn't some super duper biological warfare that can move by itself. So if by chance you got some semen on the skin around your waist, nothing would have moved. Make sense?

Speaking of making sense, your feelings absolutely do make sense. Sexual activity between partners is supposed to be a shared thing, something that both partners enjoy. That enjoyment might be emotional or physical or both, for one or either partner, but the point is that everyone engaging in theactivity is enjoying themselves.

And yes, you absolutely *can* stop a sexual activity whenever you feel the need or desire to do so. The other person involved has the right to say that they wish you wouldn't stop, but they don't have the right to tell you that you can't stop.
It sounds like this morning's activity wasn't mutually enjoyable, and, to be very honest, it sounds as if this didn't matter a whole lot to your boyfriend.

What do you think?

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Robin

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Samantha764
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Aka it's impossible to get pregnant from that? I'm sorry, it's just every time you guys on scarleteen reassure me, I wholeheartedly believe it and feel better, so please bear with me and thank you for your patience [Smile]

But what is really making me think right now is what Joey said.. Is it possible that my body knows when I'm not ready for this because I never used to feel like this with my ex when he and I would have heated make out sessions (we never had sex either but we were together for 8 years). That is actually making me think that it could possibly be my body saying I AM moving too fast with my current bf and he's acting in a manner that makes me feel uncomfortable :/

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Samantha764
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Oh I think you misunderstood me earlier on in the thread. You said that my thumb touched the waistband of my jeans. What i meant was My thumb was INSIDE the waistband of my jeans when I was pulling my jeans higher and was the only finger to get into contact with my skin. Does that make a difference in your answer towards me? I'm just so terrified that semen could've slid down on my skin inside my jeans from my thumb. I even waited 3 hours after to use the bathroom after washing my hands 3 times and hand sanitizing twice. That's how terrified I am that the sperm in the semen slid down to my vagina because earlier on in the thread, someone mentioned that if you have anal sex, the ejaculate can slide down into the vagina and impregnate the woman. What is the difference between that situation and my situation?
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Karybu
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Your thumb being inside the waistband of your jeans doesn't make a difference - there's still no risk of pregnancy. The difference between that situation and anal sex is that the anus is very close to the vagina, and ejaculation running out of the anus and onto the vulva is direct contact between ejaculate and the vulva. It's a much, much shorter distance and a much larger volume of semen.

I really think from everything you've said here that this guy is not a safe person for you to be around, and his behaviour is clearly making you uncomfortable and incredibly anxious. Pretty much everything you've said about him has been a red flag for me, and I'd encourage you to consider whether you think this relationship is something that's beneficial and healthy for you, because from where I'm sitting (and I think Heather, Robin and Joey would agree with me on this) it really doesn't seem to be.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Samantha764
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You also feel that my anxiety is my body telling me that I'm moving too fast??

Plus my jeans never coming off also is a factor in the difference of those two situations, right??

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Samantha764
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Robin, my thumb being on the inside of my jeans waistband still makes it impossible for me to get pregnant from this right? It did not make a difference if you had misunderstood me earlier??
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Karybu
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As I said before, your thumb being inside of your jeans does not make a difference, there is still no risk from what you're describing.

I do think your anxiety around all of this is your body telling you to take a big, big step back, and I think there's a lot more to this than just "moving too fast". This partner does not respect your boundaries. He doesn't even seem to respect the idea of you HAVING boundaries. He has forced you into sexual activity you didn't want. Can you see why we're all concerned about this guy, and why we don't think he's safe for you to be around?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Samantha764
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Thank you for reassuring me [Smile] I just did not want to spend the next month worrying, but I was crossing the border to the states today to buy some groceries with my family (we live in Vancouver and crossed into Bellingham), so I obviously had quite some car ride time to think. For the first time, I actually do not want to see my bf. Like, my anxiety is making me want to just be by myself because for some reason, I feel like whenever I see him, he makes me feel like i HAVE to do stuff with him. Almost obligated. Does that make sense? I don't know what to do. I love him, I really do. But I don't know how to make this anxiety stop and I truly do want to stop this sexual activity because I feel like the enjoyment is only temporary (I only enjoy it during the actual activity, but after, I go crazy for a month).
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Samantha764
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And I'm sorry to be asking this again, but I just wanted to be 100% sure that we are all on the same page about what happened to me: it would not have made a difference if my thumb had touched my SKIN around my waist area, not only my jean waistband. I just want to make sure that you do not think that it is my clothes my thumb touched, but rather my SKIN inside my jeans. Just let me know if you guys knew that the entire time! [Smile] [Smile] The semen and sperm would not have moved/slid down on my skin to my vagina?
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Robin Lee
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It wouldn't have mattered if it was your skin or your clothing. It's just not possible for the scenario you describe to lead to pregnancy. Even if you had had gobs of semen on your hand that landed on the skin around your waist (and it doesn't sound like you did or you would have known it) that still couldn't lead to pregnancy. Sperm are just not that powerful.

It sounds like you want relief from the anxiety you're experiencing. It also sounds like you know what will give you relief from that, which is ceasing or drastically curtailing your sexual activities with your boyfriend. You mentioned that you spoke with your boyfriend about this and that while he said he was agreeable the two of you then started to make out and he didn't let you stop when you wanted to stop. He told you that you couldn't stop.

I also hear you saying that you love him. What I'm wondering is whether you feel loved by him? From where I sit it doesn't sound to me like he's treating you in a very loving, respectful way but I'd like to know what you think.

It's a hard choice, I know, between your feelings and doing something that you believe might be best for you. Remember that you're important.

We have a lot of articles on scarleteen and I'm thinking of a few that might be helpful for you to read right now.

Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast


Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

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Robin

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Samantha764
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My boyfriend and I hung out after work again yesterday. He said he missed me a lot and that's all I had been wanting to hear since my anxiety started was that he still missed me and cared. When we drove off and parked the car somewhere, we started making out like crazy. I loved this part. I think my mind and body are fine with kissing. I enjoyed it; he enjoyed it. But then he tried to finger me on the OUTSIDE of my leggings but his jeans did not come off before fingering me and he hand sanitized in front of me before because he just got off work. What is alarming though is that at one point, I stepped out of the car to take a phone call from my mom. When I got back in the car, he had already taken his jeans off and his penis was out. When I told him he "wasn't getting a bj that night", he began to finger me again outside my leggings but I tried pulling his hand away saying "you know how I feel about touching me after you've taken your jeans off", then he responded by saying "you're wearing leggings. Ugh, you can't get pregnant ok" and kept on doing so. It just alarms me because I didn't want any precum from him taking off his pants or touching his penis (he took it off when I was outside the car; I didn't see if he touched himself which is what scares me). He did not ejaculate and I made sure to hand sanitize before pulling my leggings higher (My leggings NEVER came off during the entire thing). I ended up washing my hands 3 times and hand sanitizing 3 times. I came home and found that I had started spotting on my underwear (could it be that he fingered me OUTSIDE my leggings and therefore there was no lubrication which caused friction against my skin? Because now it hurts to pee).

When we were finished, I decided to have another talk with my bf (I can't just end this relationship without trying to fight for it first). I told him how much it scared me and makes me feel uncomfortable when he touches my vagina after he's taken his jeans down. He sounded annoyed and said "Ugh no you can't get pregnant from that. Can you go get birth contr so I can **** you already and you won't get so paranoid?". So I responded by telling him that I'm not ready to have sex with him (clearly) but he said that guys in relationships get sex from their gfs within 2 months of meeting; he's been waiting for almost a year.

Questions:
1. Is there any pregnancy risk from last night's activities? -If yes or no, why/how?
2. Why was I spotting after? I spotted A LOT. And it seriously hurts to pee. It stings.
3. When I voiced my concerns with my bf, and he told me I can't get pregnant from that, was that his way of reassuring me or getting me to keep doing stuff with him.. Almost manipulate? I can't tell which one it is, but I hope your opinion is the former [Frown]
4. Have I fought enough for this relationship or do you feel like its headed for a dead end, no matter how much I voice my anxious concerns with him?

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Robin Lee
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1. There is absolutely no pregnancy risk from the activity you described. Sperm from pre-ejaculate or ejaculate cannot penetrate through fabric and you had your leggings on for the whole time. If you got any pre-ejaculate on your hands and hadn't put hand sanitizer on, pulling up your leggings doesn't pose any risk of transfer.

2. Are you expecting your period soon? Sometimes a period can start with spotting. It is also possible, as you suggest, that the fingering over your clothing created friction and irritation. If you continue to have pain after a day or two it's probably a good idea to see a doctor. There's nothing to worry about with the spotting though.

3. Frankly, from what you describe, your boyfriend didn't sound very reassuring to me. While it's true that what the two of you did sexually does not pose a pregnancy risk, he was not terribly concerned with your feelings on the matter. It is completely incorrect that all guuys get sex from their girlfriends within two months of starting a relationship. The idea that sex is something he wants to "get" is also concerning. Sex is something that partners do together. Your boyfriend is not being considerate of your needs and wants.

4. Whether you've fought enough for this relationship isn't something that anyone else can decide for you. What I can say is that what you have described is concerning to me, and, judging from other posts, to other people here at Scarleteen. What I'm hearing is that it means a lot to you when he says he cares. I'm also hearing from your stories that he isn't showing he cares in ways that work for you. I'm concerned about your emotional and physical well-being. Please remember that sex isn't something you give to someone beause they want it, but because you both want it.

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Robin

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-Firefly-
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Hi Samantha,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I've been reading your thread, and I want to add my voice to the other volunteers. I'm really concerned about your safety with this guy. He does not respect your boundaries and sounds very manipulative.

To answer your questions:

1. No pregnancy risk from what you describe, even if he might have had pre-ejaculate on his hands. Sperm cannot go through a layer of clothes.

2. It's likely that the friction from the fingering is what's causing the spotting and the pain. If the stinging or pain doesn't go away within a day or two though, it would be a good idea to get it checked out. Stinging and pain with urination could be an indication of a urinary tract infection (UTI).

3. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is trying to be reassuring. Yes, he's telling you that you can't get pregnant from the activity, but not in a comforting, reassuring way. It sounds like he's very manipulative, especially adding that other guys can get sex from their girlfriends after 2 months. First of all, how would he possibly know what every other guy in a relationship in the world is doing? And second, it doesn't matter what other people are doing, it matters that you're not ready and he should respect that.

4. I think this relationship is not safe for you at all. Like I said, this guy does not respect your boundaries and has already forced you to engage in sexual activity you did not want to. That's assault, plain and simple. Unless he's willing to acknowledge what he's done and do some serious work on himself, I think this is a dead end for you.

I realize this is probably not what you want to hear, but I think we're all really concerned for your safety here and it would be good for you to get out. Did you read the article on abuse and assault that Robin linked? I think it would be very helpful for you.

Hang in there.

[ 04-28-2012, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: -Firefly- ]

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Samantha764
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I don't know who else to talk to. I'm literally shaking and crying at my computer as I type this.

I had another meeting with my boyfriend tonight (literally like 20 minutes ago) to ask him if he understood why the things that he does are wrong, and i even went on my iphone in front of him to show him this thread on scarleteen and how strangers on the internet even think that he is also manipulating me as well and that he needs to respect my boundaries. He responded by saying that the only reason "strangers on the internet" agree with me is because "they're women answering in the same bias way about men" (which I don't agree with). Then and there, a girl started texting him inappropriate things, so I obviously got upset and we started arguing. He began forcing my head down to perform oral sex on him if i "didn't want him to resort to her" for not fulfilling his sexual needs because "a guy still has them which doesnt mean hes using a girl for just that". I obviously got incredibly angry and tried getting out of the car. I didn't want to give him head. I mean, who would want to even after that? I had just come from work so i was wearing brand new dress pants. He kept trying to finger me through my dress pants and i struggled so much that he ripped a hole where my vagina was in my pants and yelled "you're so ******* stubborn. you're annoying me, bitch". He started jacking off and ended up ejaculating (i made sure my pants were nowhere near his penis, especially since there was a hole). However, some squirted on my right hand because I was facing him in the car and we were arguing that he needed to unlock the doors of his car. As soon as this happened, I tried wiping my hand off on his car seats, anything I could. I touched so many things after like my bag, the door of my car when I was finally able to come out, when i tried hitting him to let me out. I didn't want to kiss him, so he took his hand, put his thumb on one side of my cheek and the rest of his fingers on the other side of my cheek, squeezed super hard, then hit my head against the window. I was and still am in complete shock. He tried to touch my vagina where the hole was with the hand he used to masturbate with and ejaculated with but I noticed the ejaculate had dried up on him and I don't think he touched the hole and just touched my actual pants because I didn't feel anything. When I drove home, I just started crying and shaking in my car. I hand sanitized once, and was so paranoid about him touching through the hole in my pants that he made and touching my vagina with the hand he used to masturbate/ejaculate with that I tried seeing if he did touch the hole. When I found the hole with my fingers, I accidentally touched my vagina with the hand that got some ejaculate on it but this was AFTER i hand sanitized.

I'm literally freaking out right now. Can I get pregnant from him or me touching the hole in my pants where my vagina is? I remember he tried touching me all and touched himself and the seats so the sperm would've had several stops on its route to my vagina (same goes for my hand; plus I hand sanitized before doing so). Would my hand sanitizer have killed the sperm on my hands? I probably got it on my hand a minimum of 15 minutes before touching the hole of my vagina. Can hand sanitizer kill sperm? I'm literally shaking and freaking out. I ended my relationship with him before getting out of the car. I was screaming and crying. I don't know why I'm going hysterical right now. I can't call any of my friends because we have mutual friends. I don't know who else to speak to. I can't speak to my family. I am terrified he is going to find me again and hit me again. He has never hit my head against the window that hard before.

Please. I know all of you at scarleteen are sick of my juvenile problems but please, i don't know and i have no one else to speak to.
1. Since he DID ejaculate on his hand and it squirted/splashed onto mine some time after, can I get pregnant even after hand sanitizing? What if his finger did go through the hole when he tried but I just didn't feel it?
2. Can hand sanitizer kill sperm?
3. Do I tell anyone about what happened? What if he comes after me if he finds out that I told someone of him doing this to me? He doesn't know my username on scarleteen so I know he cannot search me up on here to get angry at me.

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Samantha764
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If it's any help, after I touched my vagina through the hole in my pants.. I noticed my hands were completely dry from hand sanitizing. Do dry hands mean the sperm is dead or at least immobile? I am so terrified i just impregnated myself with an abuser. Please help. I don't know who I can speak to about this. Who do you suggest? I feel like my body is literally jumping into panic mode and I don't know how to calm myself down.
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Karybu
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I'm so, so sorry this happened to you, Samantha, but I'm really glad to hear that you've ended the relationship. (And we're not sick of your "juvenile problems" - this guy is a very very real problem and I promise we're going to do everything we can to help you get through this.)

Per a pregnancy risk, you haven't had one, okay? Hand sanitizer kills sperm, you didn't have any direct genital contact with him or any direct contact between semen and your genitals, so pregnancy is NOT something you need to be concerned about. I'm much more worried about your safety right now: are you somewhere safe?

Do you have anyone in your life you would feel safe and comfortable talking to about this? Even one friend, or a relative or a teacher or someone at school? This is not something you should have to deal with alone, and we can do a lot, but having someone you can go to for support in person is important, too.

You also have the option of reporting him to the police, who may be able to provide you some additional protection. Blocking his number on your phone (if you have one), on Facebook, the works is also a good idea.

Hang in there. *hugs*

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Samantha764
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What if he had any ejaculate left after 15 minutes when he tried to touch me through the hole in my pants where my vagina was, and he actually touched me but I just didn't feel it? And are you sure the hand sanitizer and touching other things in between before I touched myself has no risk? I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep last night.

I have no one to speak to. I am in university and I don't feel comfortable going to a counsellor I've never seen in my life who can see me face. I cannot go to a parent or relative; my parents do not know about him and my relatives would all tell my parents regardless. My sisters and i are usually very close but I know my parents would find out from them in this scenario. And I cannot tell any of my friends because I do not want them to get sick of me and my problems.

I feel humiliated. I feel so embarrassed that i would fall in love with someone who could do this to me. He called me a bitch AND hit my head against a window and tried to force himself on me. I couldn't sleep last night. I just stopped crying at one point and couldn't cry anymore. I feel like I'm in shock.

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Samantha764
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And I am at home right now. And he never dares go to my house, but I do work right across from him. Do you think he'll come into my work angry for deleting him off facebook and not answering his calls/texts?
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Robin Lee
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There is no pregnancy risk. Sperm are very time-sensitive, environmentally-picky creatures. They don't survive in the open air or after being wiped off with hand sanitizer. I can't promise many things, but this I can promise, that there is no pregnancy risk from what you describe.

How do you think it would feel to talk to someone on the phone about this? We would be very happy to help you find a crisis support hotline in your area. It's completely up to you who you tell and when.

Can you tell me why you think your friends would get sick of you and "your problems"? This is a very real issue.

Something bad happened to you and it is not your fault. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. He is the one who did something wrong.

I have no idea whether he will cause problems for you at work, but if he does, you have every right to call the police and report him. You also have the option of filing a report on him now for assaulting you. Are you alright physically. Do you think you need to see a doctor?

I know this is all very scary and confusing right now. Remember that he is the one who hurt you.

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Robin

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September
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If you are concerned for your safety, your top priority really should be getting someone on your side who can help you stay safe.

It's actually great that you are in college, because most colleges have counseling centers where you can get help immediately, and lots of colleges even have places where you can go specifically to get help in dealing with sexual assault and/or abusive relationships.

I understand you are scared - that is completely natural and normal in the situation you are in. And since it's so normal and par for the course, it's also something that any counselor at a counseling center or rape crisis center would expect. You don't need to really say or do much, you can just let them know that you've been assaulted and you're scared and worry, and they will take it from there.

If you don't think you can handle face-to-face interaction at this point, you can see if your college's counseling center office phone or e-mail counseling. Many of them do, and it's a good starting place to help you build some rapport with a counselor.

You also have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or humiliated about. Abusers don't present as abusers from the start - if they did, no one would date them. Abusers are great manipulators, they know how to draw someone in first, before they start in on the abuse. So the fact that you fell for him doesn't reflect badly on you. These things can happen to anyone, and they do often enough.

So, please just focus on yourself right now, and on getting the help you need to make you feel better.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Samantha764
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Would any form of sperm have been able to survive underneath my nails when I touched myself after wiping off with hand sanitizer? I only used hand sanitizer once.

I would really appreciate it if you could find a help crisis hotline for me in my area. I really do not trust anyone with this. Scarleteen is literally my haven right now for letting this out, so thank you for all the concern and support.

I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada.

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Robin Lee
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There is only one type of sperm and there's no possible way it can live under fingernails.

The North Shore Crisis Services Society has a 24-hour 7-days=a-week hotline which can be reached at:

(604) 987- 3374

We're definitely here to support you. I can completely understand your lack of trust in people right now. What happened was not your fault, and sadly, with the statistics being what they are, I imagine you probably have friends who have been through this too. We're definitely not going to push you into doing something you're not ready for, but when you're ready I do hope you'll find someone you can share this with. It's important that you have support around you, and reaching out to your local crisis line will be a really great first step.

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Robin

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Samantha764
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I think I will be ready to call that number tonight when my family is sleeping.

I literally have to keep opening up scarleteen and this thread every time I get scared I got pregnant from what happened. Can someone pls explain exactly why the sperm on his hand and my hand the other night could not have made me pregnant if I accidentally touched the hole in my pants and touched my vagina 10-15 mins after? My mind is going crazy. I don't know what to do. It's imagining that I never hand sanitized that one time but I know that I did. I remember touching my hand right after I touched the hole in my pants/vagina and noting that my hands were completely dry and I even noted in my phone right after the events that might that I hand sanitized before touching myself because I know how careful I am, but my mind literally doesn't remember it anymore. I don't remember much from that night anymore. In order to remember, I have to keep looking back at this thread when the events were still fresh. What's happening to me? [Frown]

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Robin Lee
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Sometimes when we've experienced a traumatic event we tend to start blocking it out. It's the mind's survival mechanism. This is probably why you're feeling disoriented and having trouble remembering.

The reason that there is no pregnancy risk is that in order for a pregnancy risk to occur there has to be direct contact between a bare penis and a bare vulva, or contact between freshly ejaculated semen and a bare vulva. When sperm are exposed to air, they die. They can't move through the air or crawl along skin.

Do you have a student health service at your university? Most universities do. It might be helpful for you to go and talk to a nurse or doctor about this. I can tell you're very afraid, and that us telling you that you've had no pregnancy risks doesn't seem to be helping. This isn't your fault. Again, when upsetting and traumatic things happen to us we can become very fearful and things don't make sense the way they do at other times. It can be hard to integrate new information.

I'm glad to hear you'll call the hotline tonight.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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