I had a topic on here awhile ago, in which a certain "Heather" lavished quite a bit of attention and care upon me, and then I got caught up in my life outside this digital screen, and I stopped posting here. I was dealing with a breakup with my wife of four years.
Since then: I had a short, but intense relationship with a girl I met online - and it tanked pretty severely. Thankfully I'm over that, (I think). I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, and moved in with my parents in Texas. I'm in group therapy five days a week. The (ex)wife is staying with her parents for the summer as well, and *key point*: she told me she needed to be unreachable (by me) for the duration of the summer, after which, we could talk some more.
So I'm here in Texas, wasting away a little bit. I'm really good at being despondent, feeling sorry for myself at times like these. I thought I was done having feelings about Kate, but on Father's Day I had a dream, and somehow I think that opened the floodgates, and I'm just in what feels like a really pissy, insecure state of mind. I imagine what it might be like to talk to her at summer's end, and the conversation goes something like this:
Me: "I want you back. I want to be your husband, or at least your man. I want you, I miss you, I need you, take me BAAAACK."
To which she responds something like:
"All I did was support you, and toward the end there all you did was fall apart. I've already moved on, in fact I have a dozen guys vying for the grace of my company. What do you have to offer me besides your desperation?"
And right now, geez, it feels like desperation is all I could offer her.
I come here to the message boards to b*tch, to put my emotions into words. (For some reason it's easier to do it here than in a private journal). I don't know if what I need is an understanding "shoulder to cry on" or a business-like, stern sort of "buck up, soldier."
I told my therapy group today that I have this pervasive discontent, and I don't want to let it go. Like right now, for example, I have a suspicion that I don't *really* need to be sharing this here, that I am in some way addicted to being "the emotional guy". Like maybe I want someone to come along and pity me and such, but I don't want to have to actually make myself feel better. I was with my (sort of ex-)wife for four uninterrupted years, and she was almost my only source of emotional support, and now that she's not there for me anymore, I become this really unattractive sniffling manchild. And people try to talk sense into me and tell me "now is your chance to discover yourself, get to know yourself, since you've always had someone to take care of you and you never had to be alone." And I just want to throw my hands up, throw in the towel, because "alone" sucks.
So... you see. I may be overinflating all of this. Heather, the last post you gave me, you suggested I find a volunteer gig, and that was not at all what I wanted to hear. I didn't look for one. What I really wanted was, possibly, something that it's not possible for me to get. A sort of warm reassurance, you know? I'd like to have someone tell me "you are worthwhile, you are charming and smart and you will probably win multiple Nobel prizes, that's how awesome you are." What the h*ll do you tell a person like me, who is so doggedly determined not to help himself?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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It's good to see you, When Your Mind's Made Up , though I'm sorry it's because you're still struggling so much with all of this.
One thing I think is really important is to make sure you're recognizing that what you're working through is a really big deal. Getting married so young is huge, going through divorce so young (heck, at all, it's such a tough thing to go through) is huge, losing a long-term primary relationship is huge, losing your first love is huge, losing your sole support system is huge. It's ALL really big stuff, and you're going through all of it at once. That it's very hard for you, that it's been a struggle that has taken a real toll on you is unsurprising.
And as it seems from the start, you're actually doing a phenomenal job in taking care of yourself. I don't know about winning the Nobel, as that seems tough for any of us to do, but I know that it IS clear you're awesome and worthwhile and smart. I don't see you NOT taking care of yourself. It's clear you have been, but you're just having a tough time getting past some hurdles. Happens to the best of us.
One of the reasons I suggested volunteering is that it can tend to help cultivate the kinds of feelings about oneself you're looking to have. Don't suppose you might be interested in resuming that search? If so, I'd be happy to help.
I know alone like this sucks. But the good news is, you don't have to be alone *like this.* I'm sure you already know by now that having just one person as a sole support system isn't a workable plan, nor is making a romantic partner your whole world. So, you have the opportunity to start building a different life in which you're not alone, even at times when you're by yourself or without a romantic partner. Know what I mean?
At the same time, there's nothing wrong with grieving about what you have lost here and not being Mr. Sunshine.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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The satisfaction of seeing your response before I leave in the morning for therapy is considerable.
I'm gonna let this sit and percolate in my mind. I have such trouble deciding how feel about myself, deciding what kind of person I am, because I think I make so much of how each and every person I encounter, reacts to me. So I'm glad to have your reply. It's an opinion delivered from (what I consider to be) an authoritative source, and it's in writing, too. I was kind of afraid to read it, you know? Yeah, really, I was. I was just so clearly looking for validation, that I thought maybe I wouldn't get it. I felt manipulative.
OK, actually, there's a question. When people use that term "manipulative" to describe how someone relates to people, do you think that's a useful term? Do you have a clear definition in your mind, and do you think that my post qualifies as manipulation?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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I think manipulation is a useful word/term, but I don't think it's applicable here.
You came and posted something somewhere where our job is to respond to people and to try and serve their needs. You made clear that some of what you felt you needed was some bigging-up. I don't see that as a manipulation on your part, at all.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Getting married at nineteen: A big deal. Losing that relationship four years later: a big deal. Losing access to the support system I had that revolved around her: A big deal.
It's difficult to imagine a future in which I'm not with Her and yet I'm happy. The last time I was this miserable over a breakup, I found Her, and married her three months later.
I keep on trying to find a way around this, most especially by reaching out online, but what I keep finding out is: There's no way around this. There's no way to stop hurting. The one tactic I've used in the past to feel better was to start up a new relationship, but those have, without exception, gone south.
Hmm... I've been reading (sort of New-Agey) books that suggest that we all create our own reality, and if that's true, than it would appear that I brought this on myself because there was something that I wanted badly enough to lose Her over it. So maybe I have something to look forward to.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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I don't know what you've been reading, but I do know that when other people are involved, we can't have control over what they do and their lives. So, I personally find the idea that you created the reality of everything that happened with your relationship doesn't make any sense, since there was someone else in it.
You know, I'm wondering if you might find some solace in something similar to this -- the situation, only a little, but the feelings seem quite familiar -- I went through in my own young life. If so, let me know, and I'm happy to share.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Well on the one hand, the feelings seem to have suddenly lifted. For four days I'm caught in these powerful feelings of loneliness and neediness, and then I wake up today, and I feel more or less on top of things.
On the other hand, that is a choice offer, and one that I'm loath to turn down. If you're willing to share, I'm willing to receive.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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I'm glad you felt better yesterday! I hope that's carried over some.
So, here's what I wanted to share with you that I'm hoping might offer you something.
After I was around 10 or so, my life got exceptionally awful. I was sexually assaulted twice, once very violently, at 11 and 12, and until I left home at 15, our household included a very verbally and emotionally abusive stepparent. My father, who has always been my best friend in the world, was also unavailable to me during some of those years. I was suicidal, including being hospitalized for attempts a couple times, I was often sleeping on couches and sometimes even park benches, it was just all outrageously bad.
Then one day, when I was at what felt like my lowest, I met (bumped into, really, quite literally) the first person I'd say I developed very deep feelings of romantic love for which were also shared and returned. This person not only helped me feel a lot better, and was very supportive of me, including helping me do and have the strength to do what would eventually get me out of my home for good to live with my father. I was able to have fun with this person, I was able to share some of the parts of my life history with this person I had shared with no one, and his were as awful as mine, so we had a lot in common. I felt very loved, very cared for, very supported and very much IN love.
Very sadly, just a few days after I was able to move, and two days after my 16th birthday, he overdosed on Quaaludes (a powerful tranquilizer frequently recreationally used in the 80s they don't make anymore), found his housemate's gun and shot himself. I won't get into the gory details with that, but I did have to visually see some of the aftermath on top of having a very sudden loss of someone I loved deeply, someone who had helped steer me away from suicide myself, no less. I also had to deal with gossip at the school I went to at the time, where I was already very outcast, that I had killed my boyfriend.
There were a lot of things which made dealing with his sudden death really rough on me, besides the mere fact of this person being dead, and being dead in this way, this way that very much felt like an express choice to leave me alone in the world.
For a few weeks, I was just in shock: for the most part, I just wasn't there, in my life, in my head, at all. After that time period passed, I had this kind of constant deep, thick, quiet sadness for a month or so. Having seen what I had, and feeling the effects of what it's like to survive the suicide of someone I'd loved, that simply wasn't an option for me anymore, which made things feel a lot worse since that as a viable option had kind of always felt like an escape hatch for me. Like, if things ever got TOO bad, I at least had the option of pushing the eject button. So, there was the loss of that, on top of the loss of this person.
Then, that summer, I just seriously lost it. I was basically in a state of constant breakdown every day, doing recreational drugs I was getting in ways that weren't safe, doing with people that weren't safe, and often being ditched by those people in the middle of nowhere in the city because I'd just flip out on them, and they were not caring people enough to bring me anywhere to be helped. (And only around 15 years after all this did I even realize I was kind of mimicking his behaviour: taking so many drugs that I maybe might die or do something out of my control that resulted in my death. Always so amazing how much we can't see when we're in it sometimes, and how long it can take us to get a clear picture.) Some people realized that they could get into my pants or my home or whatever by pretending to know him (he was kind of the king of our punk scene, so everyone did), and I was so shellshocked, I didn't figure out what they were doing for a little while to cut that off.
Thankfully, my father and my therapist helped me get myself together enough to audition for an arts high school (I grew up making music and art and writing and was very talented in all three departments), and I got in and was able to get one of their lone full scholarships. I think their actions and that school earnestly saved my life and my sanity. Being able to get myself to a totally new place, with all new people and fully immersing in something very, very demanding where I could express my feelings in my creative work but could not drown in them made a HUGE difference for me.
But you know, interpersonally, it took three different people I had serious relationships with over a ten year period all saying that often they felt like they were with a widow for me to get that I still had a lot of processing to do around all of this. So, I did it, much the way you are now: I asked for a lot of help. I also let myself be sad when I was sad, angry when I was angry, and let myself be happy when I was happy. I did a lot of self-reminding that this person was absolutely very important to me, and in some ways I owed them a great debt, but they were not only gone, they also, in a big way, chose to leave me. Of course, I also had the luxury, if you can call it that, of having them be dead: I could beg them to come back all I wanted, and did it often, but they were not going to come back. I couldn't talk to them or contact them, nor they me. I know it's got to be a bit tougher for you in that regard, without that same scenario.
Mostly, you know, it just took a long time, a lot of time, to get over it as much as I was going to. There are STILL days -- and this happened now over 25 years ago -- when I feel sad about it. It WAS sad, you know? So, I let myself feel sad without asking why, without getting down on myself, without judgments, and that sadness will tend to come and go pretty easily.
I also figured out, over time, that feeling so alone and abandoned had quite a lot to do with needing to get okay being alone: we all are, really, after all. Now I LOVE time to myself, but a lot of that has to do with learning to get okay with the parts of myself or my life that aren't my faves, that are challenging to look at, or that I don't find impressive. Learning to enjoy being by myself, on my own, and not having it be this desperate thing also made me a LOT more able to really be in relationships with other people that were about way more than just my not being alone or having someone around to be the person I need to be for myself: the person who reminds me I'm of value, I'm of worth, I'm an awesome person.
I see you doing all the right things to help yourself out in this, but since you've been posting here, I also see a lot of judgment you put on yourself and what seems like a lot of back-and-forth with maybe not totally letting go of this and finding ways to REALLY put yourself in a new place: emotionally, but sometimes, and I know that was the case with me, to get there, we need new places in our lives, physical places, or situations, like a new school, a new job, a new thing we do with our lives that makes real demands of us.
I do think you can stop hurting like you have been. But I also think it may just take some more time (and I know how long every day can feel when things hurt this bad, so how bitter "more time" can sound), and some more earnest letting go, which is one of the reasons why I suggested something like volunteering. Or, maybe you do something else, like making a major move per where you live, whatever.
But it IS going to get better. And I DO think you are an awesome person, someone who clearly has a lot of emotional intelligence, who is caring, who knows how to ask for help, who is sensitive, who is thoughtful and wise. I suspect that once you get out of the place where you look to others to be the only ones telling you things like that, things will improve a LOT, and I'm guessing you're actually closer to that than you think.
Phew! That was a lot, I know, so here's hoping it offered you something!
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Someone also showed up on my twitter feed today, another guy who also went through a divorce at the same age as you and said he came through it, but it was really hard. So, I asked if he'd drop by here at some point if you wanted to talk to someone else who could probably understand far better than me what you're going through.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Hi. I'm the person Heather asked to drop by. I started divorce proceedings at the age of 21, and at the time it felt like my world had been destroyed. My whole life had been restructured around our relationship including moving away from friends and family, and it meant building back from scratch with no idea how.
I don't want to make this post just a long ramble about my own relationship history, but there are a few things that I became aware of that nobody could have warned me of in advance.
Firstly everyone tried to write it off because of our ages. I'm sure they meant well, but to go through that at any age was a difficult and traumatic thing to deal with. Secondly I was very angry. Again this didn't tally with people's expectations, but I needed someone to blame in order to safely deal with that anger. Thirdly I needed to find a new activity to take up my time. Partly because I had so much time to sit alone and think which wasn't at all healthy, but also to have things in my life that weren't previously shared with her. The last thing that jumps to mind is that I knew that I needed to be happy with my own sense of identity. If she could hurt me so badly then I figured I must be a pretty worthless and unlovable person. After the event I can see how toxic this idea was and how essential that I learn to be comfortable with myself.
I'm not sure what else to write at the moment, but I hope some of this is useful. I tend to be a fixer (I'm sure there must be some sort of psychologists term for this, but it's how I describe it) whereby if there is a problem I have to find a solution. I have been trying to think of the perfect thing to say but I know that really there is no such thing as *the* right thing, so if there's anything you want to chat about specifically I will be more than happy to give an insight.
Take care, it gets better.
Posts: 1 | From: London | Registered: Jun 2011
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I have been feeling better lately - the pain of it all comes and goes. I should be starting at a new school in August, so that should provide a new environment and new people to be around.
Thanks for the words, orbital. I appreciate.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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