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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Nowhere else to go

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Author Topic: Nowhere else to go
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Well, Here I am again, many years since my first posts here, in crisis once again. It feels strange coming back in here to ask for help that for a while there I was able to provide for myself, almost like a step backwards but into a safe haven, if that makes any sense at all.

At the end of last year I was raped again by the same guy who I had recently reported, again, and who was already up for over 400 child pornography charges, but somehow was let away with everything because of good reports on his character by other business people in this city. I'm tired. It was about the last straw for me, but I battled on after that rape and tried to finish my schooling, untill he broke my ribs, which tossed my schooling out the window. I was then put into a psychiatric hospital, where I have been on and off all holidays because of my "inabilitiy to keep myself safe", coupled with a diagnosis of bi polar disorder and they can pretty much do what they like to me from here on in. I was thrown into a mixed ward, jabbed in the *** each day with sedatives, so much of the time I spent sitting in a zombie state in a room with barely a bed. I was allowed out for the odd cigarette, escorted, but that was about it. If I asked what the drugs were, I was not allowed privillages such as showers etc. If I broke down and cried about the rape they jabbed me with more sedatives. Then they put me on welfare, and tossed me out. Im back in a flat now, broke, sore and just so freaking tired of it all. Yesterday I stood in line at a food bank for a couple of hours with some others who looked familiar from the hospital. One woman was asking for shoes for her teenage daughter, and was forced out of the building, I gave her mine. I didnt end up getting anything because they prioritized the men, as the city mission is mostly for males only. So I walked home, hungry and barefoot, only to find that the little money I had stuffed away from xmas had been stolen by my ex who also decided to trash my room. I cried.

I am not sure why I am even here. I suppose I am just afraid to talk to anyone around me because i dont know who to trust anymore. I feel angry that he can hurt me whenever he likes, and whenever I try to do anything about it they play the crazy card on me. Im humiliated that this happens to me so often, that I have been labelled as some kind of crazy person, that I cant even get out of bed some days, and that I am on welfare that pays so little I cant even afford a loaf of bread. Im scared that this will be my life, I cant go anywhere, I cant do anything, but at the same time I have moments of determination to get out of this hole I am in. I dont know what to do. I guess all I want is to be heard? I dont even know. I feel like a failure to be back here sharing another sob story on these boards. I feel like when I walk down the street people walk right through me as though I am just a shadow now. Anyway, I dont know, I am trying but I feel like a part of me melts away each day into the labels they are giving me and soon I will be nothing. I think putting words on a page makes me feel a little more human or something. But then maybe I am nothing already.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh. Ems: I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. Of course you're going to be feeling very disappointed. It's so painful to do a lot of healing and move so far forward only to have people or circumstances push us back again. I think it's one of the worst feelings there is, IMO.

To say it is shocking that man is still able to get away with not being in jail is the understatement of the century. How you were treated afterwards is completely deplorable. (In the event you are up for, and would feel better by, having all of this be reported by a journalist, please let me know, I'll see if I can't connect you with someone trustworthy who I know would be as disgusted and mortified as I am right now by how you have been treated and denied justice.)

You're not a failure. Not even close. The fact that you survived your childhood abuse from this man with such a strong sense of self, survived at all, is amazing. The fact that you keep getting back up even when pushed into terrible circumstances is a marvel. You don't even vaguely resemble anything that looks like failure. You are exceptional. You are not nothing.

So, what do you want to do here. Do you want to talk through how you're feeling? Try and think out what, practically, we can help you do? Both?

Either way, please try and know, even if it's just a little, how incredible you are. You are an incredible person who has been treated horribly by some people and a system, but their failures aren't reflective of you. Their failures are not yours because they have impacted you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Its nearly 5 am, i shouldnt still be awake, but right now sleep is impossible, even with the meds. Thanks Heather, so much. I just feel like I am banging my head against a wall constantly. I can never win, each time I do something positive, or show an inkling of strength im told im manic or crazy. The more im told im crazy the more i start to think I am and it is just this constant head f***. I cant stop crying, and I just want someone to cry to. My recent bf is threatening to kill me too, bad choice on my part, no excuse but lonliness did play a part in that decision to date him. I am too scared to reach out to anyone about that because I will probably be locked away again. I have noone here and thats hard. I can deal with being poor, that im used to, and I can deal with being hurt, but i just cant deal with being just a big nothing to everyone. I dont have any voice anymore. I gained my last bit of courage the other day and reenrolled in my nursing course only to be told I may not be let in because of my mental illness. This when I was top of my class for the last two years until I had to quit for a while so my broken ribs could heal, and even then I got a 90% on the freaking exam.

Im just so tired. I cant think straight anymore. I have even past that point of being at all suicidal because I cant even be bothered doing anything. How sad is that. I have no idea where I go from here. I dont want to lay in a bed and fade away but thats what everyone else wants me to do. And it hurts so bad that I mean nothing at all to them, when I have never done anything mean to them. A conversation with my tutor the other day ended like this "Emily, not only are you crazy, but your poor and crazy, and your a chick, you dont have much of a leg to stand on right now". It makes me want to be sick.

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Its nearly 5 am, i shouldnt still be awake, but right now sleep is impossible, even with the meds. Thanks Heather, so much. I just feel like I am banging my head against a wall constantly. I can never win, each time I do something positive, or show an inkling of strength im told im manic or crazy. The more im told im crazy the more i start to think I am and it is just this constant head f***. I cant stop crying, and I just want someone to cry to. My recent bf is threatening to kill me too, bad choice on my part, no excuse but lonliness did play a part in that decision to date him. I am too scared to reach out to anyone about that because I will probably be locked away again. I have noone here and thats hard. I can deal with being poor, that im used to, and I can deal with being hurt, but i just cant deal with being just a big nothing to everyone. I dont have any voice anymore. I gained my last bit of courage the other day and reenrolled in my nursing course only to be told I may not be let in because of my mental illness. This when I was top of my class for the last two years until I had to quit for a while so my broken ribs could heal, and even then I got a 90% on the freaking exam.

Im just so tired. I cant think straight anymore. I have even past that point of being at all suicidal because I cant even be bothered doing anything. How sad is that. I have no idea where I go from here. I dont want to lay in a bed and fade away but thats what everyone else wants me to do. And it hurts so bad that I mean nothing at all to them, when I have never done anything mean to them. A conversation with my tutor the other day ended like this "Emily, not only are you crazy, but your poor and crazy, and your a chick, you dont have much of a leg to stand on right now". It makes me want to be sick.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think you know I've been in a similar place, that place where it feels like every single step you take forward, someone or something throws you three steps back. Again, I know it's so awful and can feel so, so hopeless. It's usually not, but that doesn't change how it feels when you're in it.

I know this may be a sore spot, but just to check: were you ever able to disclose this abuse to your father? You'd talked in the past about him being very supportive of you. Has that changed?

A tutor saying those things to you, by the way, is beyond the pale. That's vile and I'm so sorry someone talked to you that way.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks Heather, and thanks for being here, again, I'm sorry I have ended up back here and not helping as I should be, I wish it was that way and not this way.

My Dad and I had a talk about it a long time ago now, his response was " well there are more people in this family than you that we need to think about arent there?" and that was about the end of that, apart from recently spending a week with him where I was harassed endlessly because I mentioned that I didnt want to drink and was trying not to do that as it just sends me downhill so so fast. He admitted to me after that that he just doesnt care for me in the same way he does for his other kids, he said it made him feel bad for that, but it is hard because I "cant just be normal".

I also tried my sister, but recieved much of the same, and now it seems to be something we just dont talk about, if I bring anything up it is quickly dismissed.

My Mum is still the same piece of work she was years ago... except worse. She is against me taking drugs for bi polar, so she steals them from me and takes tsome herself, as they zonk you out.

My handful of friends I used to have who supported me have since slowly disintergrated. It seems that they can cope with me if I act in certain ways, but any mention or emotion resembling my actual life or past, and they bolt. Im stuck, and its scaring the hell out of me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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No apologies! Seriously, there's just no need for that and I'm so glad you felt able to come here and ask for help.

Ugh on your Dad. That must have been such a disappointment and I'm so sorry to hear it went that way. I know you don't need me to tell you your family has clearly always been really dysfunctional, but knowing that doesn't help much when you're hurting and in need of support.

Are you up to my seeing what we can do to connect you with someone/a resource locally that might be able to help? If so, can you remind me what area of NZ you're in again?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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I must admit I am hesitant about connecting with someone localy, I do have the centre which we found last time, but after the big earthquake last year much of the city is still closed which means most of those places are either gone or have been overwhelmed with ppl since. I have a case manager who I do really like, but sadly she works in a system which is just not very good to ppl. I am just scared of being locked away again, really scared. I dont want to become a target again by raising my voice. Its so tiring trying to watch my back all the time.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I totally understand.

How about this? How about you remind me of what city you're in, and I see what and who I can find. Then I can hopefully make you a list and you can consider it?

Perhaps obviously, I'm here to listen and can talk. But what we can do online, and certainly what I can do this far across the pond is going to be very limited. It sounds to me like you really need someone or some group to advocate for you and help you in-person.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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okay, that sounds okay to me. Im in Christchurch again. Ony because my school is here, and also because I am not allowed to go anywhee because of the mental health act, which is a huge load of bullsh**. I am feeling pretty powerless at the moment and more so because they wont let me work, and I need to work, the only job I could possibly get is sex work, because for obvious reasons noone is going to care if thats what I do. It is not something I want to end up doing, but I am just not able to see much of a choice. Im really scared. I dont want this to be my life anymore, its just too much for me to do by myself anymore.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I am sure you probably have more choices than it seems like right now, so please try and hang in there.

I'm going to do some looking and asking around tonight and tomorrow and will check in with you again soon, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks so much Heather. I don't know where I would be if I didnt have you and ST. All these years since I first came here and I still know when I am completely down and out, I can come here and be heard. It keeps a girl alive.
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Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Hi NixieGurl!!

I resigned from volunteering last April to focus on my other work and haven't been active on the boards since but I wanted to post in your thread as another voice of support. From getting to know you these many years at Scarleteen, I know that you are an awesome, caring, strong person who has and will continue to do great things. Congratulations on all that you have accomplished: how awesome about your nursing studies!! I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through lately; what others have done and how it's been handled is atrocious. I am feeling positive about what the future holds for you, even if the present is really difficult. I care about you and am thinking about you and wish you strength and hope in dealing with all of this. <3

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks Ecofem, that means a lot to me. I hope you are doing well also. It helps just to be heard here. Thanks so much for your support. x
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breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
You are an incredible person who has been treated horribly by some people and a system, but their failures aren't reflective of you. Their failures are not yours because they have impacted you.

I am very sorry that you have found yourself in a such a difficult spot; but please know that you have options which may not be so obvious right now. Sending you healing wishes!

I just wanted to re-emphasize what Heather has said above, which is very profound. While all of this is certaintly impacted you (and it is best to talk, write about it), please know that all the bad feelings that result from do not belong to you, or yours to keep forever.

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astrocyte
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Hey, I'm in NZ also, and I have read some of your stuff in the past, and your strength and amazing-ness comes through as clearly as the terrible things that people around you have chosen to do, and the shitty ways that others have responded. I just want to be another person telling you that you are not nothing, you are fabulous even though I don't know you and you sound like you feel right about the opposite of that. I'm so sad and angry that our systems suck this much. If there is anything that I can do from Wgtn, please let me know, arohanui.

-em

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Tena Koe e hoa,

Ka Pai rosegeranium,

As those who have gone before us have taught us, before any system exsisted to bring us down: kia mate ururoa, kei mate wheke.

Lots of aroha to you.

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eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
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Hi nixieGurl,

I'm also from NZ and thinking of you tonight, I really hope this all gets better and manageable for you again. You have been so strong to get through all this, I can't even imagine how I would do the same. Do hang in there and take care of yourself. I'm sure there will be people around Chch who would be happy to help and support you, although they can be tricky to find.

Regarding re-entry into your nursing course, would you consider going through the health and counselling service at uni? They can sometimes arrange enrolments with special conditions, overriding your tutor. And it sounds like you have a great academic record, which should help you out.

Maybe you feel like you don't have a voice anymore, but I think you have a very powerful voice. And you will have so much to offer when you get through this.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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So sorry for the delay, Ems.

So, to get started, have you already connected (or reconnected, I think this was who we first got you in touch with back when) with these folks: http://www.sast.org.nz/pages/home

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Or this: http://www.sexualabuse.co.nz/

?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey Heather,

Yeah I have been in touch with both of those places, the first one i went to for counselling for a while but now that I am being seen by psych services they felt it wasn't appropriate to continue, and the other I went to after the last rape, and they came with me to the hospital and stuff, so they were okay. But there is not much more they can do because of psych services taking over. Sorry for my late response, I have been put in a safe house for now because my ex came over with a sword and so the police thought it would be better if I stayed somewhere else for a while. It's not getting any easier thats for sure, life just keeps hurting me lately.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Have you talked expressly to both of them about what is happening to you within the system, and asked them about advocacy around all of this, either through their agencies, or someone else they can refer you to?

What about this safe house that you're in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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