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I'm 23, been married for four years, and am getting a divorce from my wife. (Is this the right place for a thread like this?) Yes, I am getting counseling, and just for the benefit of anyone out there reading this, she's the third counselor I've seen in my life and she's way, way, by far my favorite of the three. I always look forward to seeing her.
So even though I'm a bit older than most of the users here, I thought I'd post this. I have two very good friends and family members that I'm turning to for support, but they're a few hundreds of miles away, so we've been communicating via email. Actually, in the process of reading some of the threads here, I got to feeling a bit better, so I don't actually have that much to say at the moment! But if it's quite all right with you all, I'll leave this post here for when I might want to say more.
I feel a little silly coming here. I'm going through a divorce; breaking up after a four-year relationship. People come here all the time to vent or get help after breakups; mine isn't that different from lots of other people's breakups. I know it just takes time. But... it's just hard. Thanks for reading. You all are rockstars for doing what you do at Scarleteen.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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I'm sorry to hear you're going through such hard time. I doubt ending relationships we find significant is ever easy and yes, it'll likely take time for it to feel better. I'm sure it's fine for you to return here to share your feelings and seek support. I have personally found Scarleteen the safest place on the internet to express difficult feelings, without any fear of ridicule or someone harassing you for your experiences, something I've faced elsewhere when sharing thoughts that were very difficult for me. Hope you find Scarleteen just as good for you to safely express your difficult feelings and thoughts!
Posts: 236 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2009
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Just FYI? Our primary userbase tends to range in age from around 15 to 25. So, you're in good company with plenty of our users, not outside our intended age range.
How can we best support you right now?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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To answer your question, Heather: I have no earthly idea. I want someone, anyone, to swoop along and say something to me or hug me just right so that everything will stop and all my pain will go away. Thus far, no luck.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Well, what's your own support network like? Do you have friends and family you're leaning on for care and support?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I got onto an online dating site to fight off the lonelies, with the caveat that I'd be casual, so as not to fly into a rebound relationship. And that's definitely been a source of comfort; I've been spending lots of time with this one girl I met online. I was feeling so good that I thought I was getting over all this, but I'm acting like the divorced zombie boy again. (By which I mean I've spent a lot of time this weekend sleeping and staring into space.)
This girl I've started seeing, she just sent me this text: "Your life isn't falling apart! It's changing direction, and in my opinion for the better. Let it. Grow and explore yourself. Because you haven't been doing very much of that. This divorce is the best thing that's ever happened to you and you just don't know it yet." So you see, I've met a very good friend.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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My own immediate family: loves me, doesn't know me very well at all. They try, but I'm not too inclined to confide much in any of them.
My wife's family: closer to me than my own. But her mom, in particular, feels like she can't be a source of support for me when Kate (my soon-to-be ex-wife) is furious and hurting over me.
Both of these groups live hundreds of miles away.
Here in NOLA, I've got a few people. Just not enough. The one couple I'd really been hanging out with and talking to, they just seem kind of stressed lately, and I don't want to come knocking at their door if they don't want to see me. Especially given how much I've seen them already. There's one guy I know who I might give a call, though. Hm. I'd forgotten about him.
[ 12-06-2010, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: When Your Mind's Made Up ]
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Dating is probably not the best choice right now. Ideally, you want to be getting support from people you are not in a romantic or potential romantic relationships with: friends, family, people who also know you well.
If you're thinking of someone brand-new who you're dating as your biggest support right now, and a "very good friend," I'd suggest that might not be so sound, healthy or realistic.
So, gonna ask again: NOT with romances or people you might be dating, but people already in your life who you have other kinds of relationships with -- who of folks like that have you been leaning on for support?
(Also? A big part of being supported well in something like this is getting more than cheerleading. We need to grieve losses, not have them blown off. So, someone presenting a divorce as only something good when we don't feel all good about it is of limited help, but not surprising if that person doesn't know you or your history well and is someone in a dating relationship with you.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I meant to indicate by the phrase "very good friend" that she dispenses very good advice. But yeah. You're probably right.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Friends? Family? Maybe even a counselor or therapist?
Who are you getting support from in relationships where you can really be best supported without the other person having a romantic agenda or feeling of their own?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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If I felt like I had a ton of people to turn to, I might not have jumped into this dating business. But I've asked myself many times just who I have to turn to, and the results are as I summarized above. I've been in this city for a year and a half, but I've managed to stay pretty socially isolated. I can think of three people who I'd feel comfortable crying with, and I'll give them a shot. Two of them are that couple I mentioned earlier, and I have a certain amount of hesitation there. But I suppose I can give it a go.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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So, how about you start by being in more contact with them?
Also, how about some counseling? Counseling can be so helpful during major life transitions. is that something you'd be open to? If so, do you have any health insurance or any public healthcare coverage?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'm seeing an excellent counselor. I only didn't mention her because I mention her in the very first post. (But I guess that post was a long time ago.)
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Great (sorry I missed that)! Have you talked to her about feeling unsupported? What have her suggestions been for you right now?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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She hasn't offered a ton of suggestions. Her main goal seems to be to get me to understand my behavior, like why I might have been attracted to Kati in particular - what needs I have that she might have met. Usually she asks if I'm eating and sleeping OK, if the meds are giving me any problems - but not so many suggestions.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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And while I'm waiting for the 120-second window to close (before I can post again) - you've advised me against dating; what then is to be done about this girl I've gotten familiar with? Do you suggest a total, cold-turkey cutoff?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Heh. Sometimes you have to ask for what you need. Often, really.
You know, I don't ever see a need to cut off otherwise good relationships that just aren't at the right time or in the right model for us at a given time. Since you seem to like this person, and they you, how about you just ask if you two can't shift to a platonic friendship instead?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Well, the biggest one is rebounding or inadvertently using someone else for romantic escapism (which they probably wouldn't be so keen on). It's also about not giving yourself the kind of emotional breather you need to process all your feelings about the divorce and the end of this long relationship, rather that just sort of skipping past them, only to have them inevitably resurface later on, often in whatever relationship you jumped to next.
Too, relationships ending tends to give us a lot of information to sit with for a while about what works for us in relationships and doesn't, about what we do and don't want, about what we might need to work on before entering a new one. If we don't take that time, we're less likely to find what we want and need in our next relationships, and more likely to just get stuck in our own patterns.
Did you talk to your counselor about dating now? What did she say?
You know, I'll be frank: dating someone who is just starting a divorce is something where you have got to know that they are so NOT going to be ready for any kind of romance, and it is going to be a LONG HAUL before they are. So, sure, stepping back and saying, "You know, I like you a lot, but I so tried to jump forward to dating before I was anywhere close to the place to do that, so can we try being friends instead?" can be kind of a bummer for a little bit -- but shouldn't be a big one if someone really likes you and also wants whatever relationship is best for you both at a given time -- but it also shouldn't be a shocker to someone dating someone in your position unless she just had no idea what she was getting herself into.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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She knew my story, and still took me home on our first date. In fact, much of our first date was spent talking about it.
All my counselor has said about this - me dating - thus far is that it seems uncharacteristically fast of me.
The girl - K. - mentions a breakup of her own pretty often. I think she feels a certain amount of "I've been there too" sympathy toward me.
And, to ask an embarrassing question, I suppose "friends" don't hold hands or kiss? Because she actually proposed that we stop having sex until I got clearer about what I wanted; at present we are existing in a hard-to-name, half-friend, half-dating universe, where we don't have sex, but we occasionally make out a bit.
[ 12-06-2010, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: When Your Mind's Made Up ]
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Ah, "romantic escapism". That is a particularly telling phrase, and one that rings pretty true for me.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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I can't tell you what any given friendship is like.
But when I suggest that now is probably not the best time for dating, I'm talking about romance and sex. So, if holding hands and kissing, for you, are about sexual or romantic feelings, then yes.
It also sounds like it's possible that already, this person has suggested making steps towards not being in a romance, or choosing a relationship model that better fits where you're at right now. If what you have still feels confusing, why don't you talk about that and set clearer boundaries together?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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But what's so bad about romantic escapism anyway? Or to ask in a clearer fashion, do you think it's always a bad idea to have relationships that are mostly about sex? For the first time in my life I was experimenting with the idea of having (relatively) casual sex.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Actually, on that note, let me go afk for awhile. I've got to go grab something to eat and maybe even study for the exam I have in 45 minutes. I'll come back to this.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Well, I'd say it depends on what you want, especially what you want in a) the relationship you're creating, which doesn't sound casual to me at all and b) from your process of coming out of your divorce.
In other words, with coming out of this, do you want to use some of it in order to better figure out what you want and need, so that you're more likely to get that in your next relationships? Do you want to use some of this to gain more self-awareness and more insight on what you need in relationships?
You don't have to, mind. That's up to you. But with a relationship that long, and a relationship that's that much work and this painful to dissolve, were it me, I'd want to be trying to get as much good stuff as I could from it.
(Caveat: I did NOT know that when I was 23. Learned it the hard way a few times, the hard way for me, the hard way for a couple other people. Just saying that so you don't get the idea that when I was your age I really groked that, because I SO didn't. But then, no one told me about that then, either. If only!)
Also, if on a first date, you are totally unloading something as huge as your divorce, and seeing this person as your primarily emotional support, does that really seem casual to you? We're all going to have different definitions of what that means, obviously, but that doesn't sound like casual sex to me at all. Also, if you're talking about friendship being a bummer because you two have romantic feelings, again, that's not sounding casual.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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OK, agreed, what I've got going with K. is *not* casual. But now that I'm on an online dating site, I do have opportunities to have all kinds of unpredictable sexual liaisons with people I hardly know. (Which, when you put it that way, sounds pretty unsavory). So my stubborn little question is, would that necessarily be a bad idea?
[ 12-06-2010, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: When Your Mind's Made Up ]
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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That really depends on you: casual sex isn't for everyone, nor is it the right thing for us at every given time or phase of life, or with just any partner.
But I think the big issue with dating right now is that isn't about getting involved in another romantic relationship so soon, both per that level of intimacy and that level of commitment and investment.
Having a lover every now and again, on the other hand, where you're not getting very emotionally involved, investing a lot of time and heart-energy, and not potentially pursuing or creating something long-term is something very different.
Do you feel like you're at a point where you could be casual in that way with someone right now? Could you be involved and sexual without sharing all your deep-darks, looking to turn that into something else, or having a connect with someone that wasn't about getting emotional support?
I would say, though, we probably want to talk a little bit about safety and how to manage that, if you'd like, since it looks like you got married awfully young, so some of what managing those kinds of interchanges entails might be news to you or outside what you've dealt with so far in your life.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Do I feel like I'm at a point where I could be casual in that way with someone right now?
I really don't know. It would be a first, as you've mentioned. I think I'd like to try. You mentioned "having a connect with someone that wasn't about getting emotional support". And that is a toughie. I am hurting pretty often these days. I mentioned wanting to be held... yeah, it sounds pretty emotional to me.
As far as safety goes, I've stuck with condoms thus far; K., fortunately, is also on birth control.
It's about escapism, I think. I'm trying to escape feeling so damned lonely.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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So, what I'm hearing is that it sounds like you might still be a little too raw for this just yet. It sounds to me, also, like you getting emotional support would fill your immediate needs right now better than some sex would.
One thing to also know is that when you're feeling very lonely, casual sex can sometimes make you feel a little less lonely, but sometimes it can actually make you feel a lot MORE lonely, especially after whoever it is you slept with leaves.
Maybe this is something to talk about with your counselor?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Redefine the relationship with K as "friends" - set some physical boundaries.
Lean on those friends I already have for emotional support.
Ask my counselor what to do about feeling so damn alone and needy. Sex alone will not make my loneliness go away.
Let me ask you this. You mentioned the need for an emotional breather, where I can process my grief as well as learn "what I want and need, so that I'm more likely to get that in my next relationships". So are you saying I have an either/or choice: either have sex now, when I'm emotionally raw, or learn something about what I want and need? The two are mutually exclusive?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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What it simply sounds like to me is that while I see that you're seeing that -- with your impending divorce, being single for what appears to be the first time in your adult life -- you have an opportunity to explore casual sex now, if you're asking for my feedback, I'm not hearing that this is exactly the right time for you, because you seem to be feeling very lonely and needing emotional support most. That given, it's more likely IME that casual sex in this space will leave you feeling worse, not better.
In other words, it doesn't sound to me like you're in a space where you can be casual about anything right now.
Make sense?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Yeah. And if I were to dive into another full-blown relationship, it would most likely falter just like the last one because the lessons of the last one went undigested. Right?
One last question. Any thoughts as to how I can go about milking this divorce for all it's worth - learning what I want and need in a relationship? Does that come automatically or no?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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That's a good way of putting it. More often than not, yes, that's what usually happens.
I don't think we just learn things automatically, but I think it tends to be more about having the intention to learn and making sure we give ourselves what we need in order to do that. And I'd add heal to learn: heartbreak is an emotional wound, and like with any wound, healing matters, otherwise we kind of walk around with open wounds that can get infected and really mess us up.
You've already connected with a counselor to help you through this: that's awesome, and that's a great setup for this kind of intentional healing and learning and processing. You're also obviously pretty thoughtful about your choices now, which is great.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Maybe you could help me with some of the finer points of our analysis, hm?
How exactly does the end of a relationship yield this oh-so-important information about what we want and need and what works for us? I'm just trying to find the missing link: First, a relationship ends. Then: [missing link], and finally, we have clarity about what we want from our relationships in the future and what we're really capable of.
"I don't think we just learn things automatically, but I think it tends to be more about having the intention to learn and making sure we give ourselves what we need in order to do that."
I think it's safe to say that I have the intention to learn, but what exactly are these "things" we need to give ourselves? You highlighted time and emotional support. Anything else significant I might want to consider?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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It depends on what you do to find that information out.
I mean, at this point, you probably have some clues about why that relationship went south, and/or why a marriage wasn't a sound choice (if you feel that way). The more time you take afterwards to think that through, the more of that kind of information you can glean, which can also tell you some things about what you need and want in relationships moving forward.
Is your counselor having you do any journaling or any reading?
On top of giving yourself time and finding support, I suppose I'd add to that giving yourself the freedom to draw whatever conclusions you do without making value judgments. For instance, you seem to have voiced an interest in exploring other sexual relationships: some people would make a value judgment about that (calling it shallow or silly or whatever), and I'd suggest you don't, and just let your wants and needs be whatever they are, accepting them.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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My counselor hasn't had me do any reading; she's had me do a bit of journaling. Reading is my forte already; I was at Border's yesterday in the divorce section. Journaling comes much harder to me. Any suggestions? or prompts, maybe?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Do you feel like you have some books that are working for you? If not, happy to make some suggestions if you want to fill me in on what you're not finding but feel would be helpful.
And sure, happy to toss in some prompts. Some quick ideas: A side-by-side running list of what you do and don't want in romantic relationships moving forward A letter to the person you were when you made the decision to get married, from the person you are now A love letter....to yourself. What's your life like right now: how do you want it to be different?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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If you can think of any books that might answer the question, "what the hell exactly happened here?" - I'd give them a look. Sometimes my wife will throw accusations at me, and it's like she's saying "we're getting a divorce because you did or said or were ______", and I'll defend myself in my own mind and think about what she did wrong... I'd like to have a clearer grasp of why we didn't work. I've got tons of ideas, but it's hard to be certain. I suppose I'd like to understand the both of us. My therapist's explicit goal, actually, is to help me better understand my own patterns.
Thanks for the prompts. That was quick.
[ 12-07-2010, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: When Your Mind's Made Up ]
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Can you fill me in a little more on what exactly went down and the history of your relationship? Without having some idea myself, I'm not sure I'd know what to suggest.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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We met in college, the first semester away from home for both of us. Both of us were pretty traditionally Southern Christian at that time. Sex was for marriage. (And we didn't know the first damned thing about it. May I add here, that when I first came to this site, I spent a few hours at a stretch, and your attitude toward sex was so new to me and so relaxed... I got a bit of a learning high.)
We got married three months after we met. That's right, three months. I've not historically been very good at considering the consequences of my actions, and I decided to get married maybe a bit too glibly. It was a frightening and serious decision to make, but I do kind of regret it now. I don't regret marrying her; I just wish I could have found some way to slow us down.
Four years or so go by.
Then Kati goes back to school, takes women's studies classes, starts to respect herself a bit more as a woman, starts to feel like she wants more out of our marriage. She did all the work. I went to school, and little else. She was the powerhouse, the one who saw what needed to be done and did it; often I was content to let her lead and stay out of it, because I don't like to make decisions. Anyway, going back to school after some years away, and taking those particular classes, she got a clearer idea of what she wanted from me - and that I wasn't giving it. I wanted to, but felt like I just couldn't. We're talking lots of stuff, ranging from giving her what she wanted in bed to doing the dishes - I more or less totally gave up on both counts. This part is particularly mysterious to me. Two tasks - housekeeping and sex - that became for me insurmountable obstacles.
She suggested, really, she politely insisted, that we separate and try to figure our marriage out. A few weeks later, I was no closer to figuring anything out, and she was running out of patience. One final time she asked me to grow up, to do what she wanted and needed me to do - we're talking about basic adult responsibilities here; she wanted me to do something, anything, so she wouldn't be the only one handling them for the two of us - and I said I couldn't. From there things got pretty painful, and today we don't speak unless absolutely necessary, and we're waiting to put through the divorce paperwork until... well, we're just waiting, I guess. She said she'd like for me to do it, and I didn't object, but I haven't gotten to it yet, and honestly am in no great hurry to get to it. It's just a big hassle, and what's the reward? Hooray, you're divorced. Like most unpleasant tasks I am assigned, I'm putting it off.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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So, one biggie I'd suggest is a book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, by Diane Vaughan. My caveat I always like to give with this book and feel I must is that the way it suggests splits go is NOT how they HAVE to go, which I feel like it can make it sound like in parts. However, it is certainly very representative of how they happen for a lot of people and the way a lot of people do them. I think it might help answer some of the questions you're asking about how this all happened.
Before I make other suggestions, it's sounding to me like you're describing yourself as very passive in a lot of ways, perhaps even when you know passivity and nonresponsiveness are ruining something you value. I'm in a bit of a maybe about that, because it also sounds entirely possible you may have been sabotaging this -- not necessarily with intent -- because it wasn't what you really wanted, wasn't a good fit, was a kind of relationship you wished you hadn't committed yourself to to that level in the timeframe you did.
What's your gut take on that last paragraph, both within this relationship and in general, about yourself? Knowing can give me some extra direction about what else to suggest.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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My gut isn't telling me a lot. But I suspect I may have been sabotaging. That's my guess. I would have been too scared to end our marriage directly. And Kati certainly thinks I was doing some subconscious passive-agressive mumbo-jumbo. So all indicators point to yes.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Hmm. Then why don't you start with Uncoupling and then later we can look for some more? It's just tough to know what to suggest if you're still on the fence about that.
But that can also be another good thing to bring up with your therapist.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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