Five months ago, a guy I was hooking up with penetrated me at a point where my vagina didn't feel ready, and I told him to stop but he charged ahead anyway because "you wanted it, now you have to take it and you can't tell me to stop." I feel so awful saying this out loud, but I have felt fleeting desires to call him to try to hang out over the last five months. I've also sometimes eroticized what happened to me when I replay it in my mind. It's not like I can't see that what he did to me was reprehensible, it's not like I forgot how uncomfortable I was feeling when it was actually happening, but I've occasionally actually missed him. Is this common? For people to miss people who raped them? I know people who get out of abusive relationships love their abusive partners, but...
-------------------- "What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if no one asks to see 'em?" Posts: 87 | From: Virginia | Registered: Mar 2008
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Sometimes rape hijacks our sexuality in some ways.
In other words, because our sexuality is something that's about our whole lives and experiences, sometimes we can wind up eroticizing or being aroused by aspects of rapes or the people who raped us. It's complicated as hell, and something obviously tough to talk about and deal with, but it happens.
Too, sometimes people can tend to either fantasize about or kind of mentally rewrite our own histories. It's not atypical for survivors of a trauma of any kind to rewrite things in our heads where the situation was different than it is, like us having more control.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63668 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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