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Author Topic: first time REGRET
katywashere
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Member # 45261

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So my first time with my ex was great at the time but after a while I got a boyfriend who I am currently with, and I regret having sex with that person so badly and just wish I'd waited a few months more for my boyfriend!!
The guy I'd had sex with just used me and never talked to me again. Sex is a huge deal to me, I was so crushed. My boyfriend's different, he'd never do that to me. How do I get over this regret?
A note for people who haven't had sex: Never throw your virginity away, no matter what people will tell you, it's got to be special and with someone who won't do what this guy did to me. There's not much worse than going through that.

Posts: 3 | From: New York | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It might help to just accept that very often, people will have regret about something like this because they figure there is some "perfect" way they could have had first-time sex that they missed out on. Even people who had good first-time experiences will often feel it could have been different if they did this, or that, or would have been better if they waited until X age, or didn't wait, what have you.

The tricky thing about that is that no one has any way of knowing that. For all you know, if you had made a different choice the first time, your life may have taken a totally different trajectory and you may not have even met this current boyfriend, for instance. The real truth most likely is that most people's ideas of some perfect first time where the relationship also always is and remains great with no hurt ever involved aren't likely realities. I get that a situation like you were in hurts and sucks, but at the same time, even people who choose to have first-time sex with caring, loving partners who treat them well are often disappointed in some way.

Every time we have a new sexual partner, it's its own set of first times: seriously. I say this to you at the cusp of turning 40 after over two decades of sexual partnerships. There is no one first time that gets all the value. You also made the choice you did based on what you knew at the time: that's all anyone can do.

So, how about you try and just know what's past is part, you have no idea what a different first time with someone else may have been like, and enter into this new relationship understanding you have a whole set of first times to have in IT, too?

[ 01-05-2010, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67158 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
katywashere
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Thanks so much, reading that has put a whole new perspective on how I was feeling and sort of made me see that I cannot help the past so I may aswell accept it. THANK-YOU!!
Posts: 3 | From: New York | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rora
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You're first time with you're ex was great at the time. You should be happy about that. At least you got the experience.

I have always been waiting for my perfect first time. When I met my boyfriend I was unsure of whether I wanted to do it yet so I decided to wait until I was sure. However, one night, we got caught up in the moment and it happened. It was unexpected and unplanned. It happened when I didn't want it to happen. I was so depressed after that for months. To make matters worse, since it was unplanned, it wasn't even a good first time experience. It wasn't even romantic, we weren't even being close. It was just a random horny hookup. I feel bad that I ruined my first time and I'll never get it back.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(Rora: I just hope you know that planning first intercourse doesn't mean a person will automatically have a good experience. There are as many people who planned the first intercourse they had and were disappointed as people who didn't plan it but had a great time. In other words, besides things like a) really wanting to have intercourse b) both people feeling ready for it c) an emotional environment that felt good to everyone and such, we really can't say accurately that any one way of coming to first intercourse means a good experience will be had or that expectations will be met.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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Accept the things you can not change, change the things you can and be wise enough to recognize the difference. this is in your past and you can do nothing. my first time was a spur of the moment hook up as well and i felt no comfort after the fact... also doesnt help that she was my first gf and she also cheated on me and got pregnant with the guy she cheated on me with. shes now a stripper to pay for her child. Karma will repay him. dont you worry sweetie =D
Posts: 16 | From: Michigan | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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[Talldude, I know you mean to help katywashere feel better and I'm sorry you were cheated on by an ex, but the "karma" you're describing -- I call it Schadenfreude -- really isn't very nice. We do what it takes to pay the bills and being a stripper, just like any other job, deserves respect so let's be mindful and keep it friendly here! [Smile] ]
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Talldude90
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by all means i didnt diss the fact that shes a stripper. i recognize that shes taking responsibility. i was referring to the fact that she cheated and was impregnated by the guy she cheated on me with. that was the reference to karma. as for schadenfreude... i gain no pleasure from her pain. she messed up and has consequences to pay for it.

i in no way meant to step on any toes. my apologies if it seemed like that was my goal.

Posts: 16 | From: Michigan | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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