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Author Topic: I'm going through too much..please HELP
BreakingSilence
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what am i supposed to do? see my parents divorced when i was around 4 years old. My mom up and left my dad. I wasnt allowed to see him ever.. my mom went and got married to who became my step dad once i was 8... He's been mean to me for so many years, he used to hit me and touch me in ways a father shouldnt touch a young girl. I feel like if my dad would have been there, it would have never happened..i used to get kicked out of the house off and on for 2 years and mistreated and constantly harassed by my stepdad and my mom, my sister and my 2 half siblings. Once i told my mom what my stepdad was doing to me she totally flipped out and blamed it all on me.. she told me i was the biggest problem in the family. she called me names,screamed at me, u name it.. once he found out i told problems only escalated..i was treated even worse after that.. the last time they threw me out of the house was 7 months ago.. i refuse to go back after what my step dad said to me and how bad i was treated. my mom never EVER stopped him from the things he said and did to me. I never understood that..reciently after 17 years i contacted my biological father and we've been talking for over a month now.. and ive been seeing him everyweekend for the past month. He has a girlfriend who throws and breaks things when she is mad. I told my dad how i felt about her and he just blew me off.. he promises me he will spend "the whole day" with me and something always comes up...why should i have to feel left out and unwanted after 17 years.? he tells me he loves me .. but doesnt show it whenever i go out of my way to come and see him. It seems like all he cares about is his girlfriend he's had for 5 months. I just found out i have a half sister, and we share the same father.. she's 13. he's always told her broken promises as well. and he has problems keeping a a "significant other" in his life. How do i tell him how both me and her feel? we are both hurt that he missed out on our lives..... what can we do? I'm beyond depressed that i came back into the picture after 17 years without seeing him (or any of his side of the family) and yet im feeling such loneliness and rejection.. what can i do????? PLEASE someone help me... i feel just as depressed as I did when i lived with my mom... please help... thank u

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You've changed your handle, so I didn't recognize you for a minute. Just for the record, it's helpful to try and keep screennames consistet, okay? [Smile]

As I tried to bring up with you in your other posts on this, I think you have to recognize that you probably do not have the whole story on either of your parents from either of them. For instance, when you were asking how you could have been legally adopted and saying your father said he was never notified of this, I tried to be delicate about it, but the truth is he probably was notified and either did consent, had done something criminal (such as blowing off child support and not making responses to legal requests for it) which relinquished his parental rights or potentially blew the whole thing off. You said in the other post your mother kept you from him, but I think you also have to entertain the notion that he might have kept himself from you with no external forces at play. I know that's rough as hell and really painful, but it's a possible reality.

A lot of my family history isn't unlike yours. I understand how hurtful this all can be very well.

Sometimes, we have to make our own family. I know that for me, when dealing with this kind of pain, realizing that family is as family does, rather than family only being to whom we are directly related, was really helpful. At this point in my life, I have a family made mostly of friends, which is no less supportive or enriching than it'd be if my family were just about blood relatives.

That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't tell your father how you are feeling: you have a right to do that, and I can understand why you'd want to try to forge a relationship. I'd simply just try and recognize that he may or may not be capable of that relationship, or may just be emotionally unavailable to you.

[ 08-18-2008, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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sorry about the name thing... i didnt know..
i'm just really confused with what im supposed to do about it... do u have any suggestions? why doesnt he see that his girlfriend isnt any good for him.?. she lashes out, and sometimes even hurts him.. what can i do.? its not fair for me to sit back and watch... how can i get through to him about how i feel.. and about how hes making me feel??? what is a good way??

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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You have only known this man, really, for a few months, so you have to acknowledge that he's not going to see you as the expert on who or what is good for him. You also do not see this relationship 24/7 to even know all of what is going on: for all you know, they could be mutually abusive. You are not forced to sit back and watch: your seeing him is an elective choice of yours, and I think it's important you own that. I agree, it's obviously distressing to see a parent in a dysfunctional or abusive relationship, but you're not a custodial child now, and he also has not made choices considering your opinion in quite some time, if ever, so as I said in your other post, you can't expect that to be immediate. People get in patterns and routines in their lives and change to those tends to take time and effort: you will have to see, over time, if that shifts and if he really is interested in making those efforts. But you also have to leave room for him to lead his life as he chooses and understand you can't control that.

Since you two are so new to each other, it strikes me as premature to put all the focus on his romantic life or his girlfriend. What the real issue is here is that you feel neglected and abandoned by HIM, yet again, and that's the relevant issue for the two of you to discuss that really is about you. Even if the girlfriend wasn't present, for all you know he'd find some other reason not to spend quality time with you.

You're an adult, he's an adult, and you two don't live together, so with his relationships, you really are going to need to leave that to him, particularly so early in your relationship.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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thanks... is there any way that i can break it to him and tell him how i feel about feeling "neglected and abandoned by HIM, yet again". How can I talk to him? What should I start out by saying? What would you do if u were me??

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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I'm a big fan of writing letters, myself, with things like this. And since it seems like getting real time alone with him is so tough, that seems like the best bet to me, for you to sit down, write all of this out and then give it to him so that he can read it all over.

The ball is then in his court as to whether or not he wants to make the time and emotional investment of addressing your feelings.

There's no right thing to write down: what's important is just that you express yourself openly and honestly and get out whatever you feel you need to.

Again, though, just for your own well-being, I'd suggest managing your expectations with this, and acknowledging and trying to accept -- even though I know it's hard -- that he may not be responsive, or respond the way you'd like him to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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should I worry that his girlfriend says she understands and yet finds her way in the middle of everything tho? Its like we get NO time together what-so-ever. and whenever she sees us together she gets mad, and other family members notice it.. do u think her feelings are in a way standing in the way of him getting close with his daughters? Do u think perhaps he has some kind of social disorder and cant get his priorities in order?

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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thank u, i was thinking about writing a letter.. i will try it, but i only worry as u said tht he may not care. i think i've gone WAYYY out of my way and its time to get something back. ( if ever) All i want is his time.. nothing more, nothing less.... its just HARD

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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I know it's hard.

And I know it's really hard to accept that you just may not get what you want from him, or from any of your parents. Anyone who didn't acknowledge that that is a wretched situation isn't paying attention.

I really can't suggest enough working on your own life, separate from your family. You say you got kicked out of your mother's house a bunch of months ago: given your age, what's your living situation now? What's your social circle like? Are you in school or working?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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its hard for me to consentrate on anything else.. i mean ive always wanted a relationship with one of my parents... at least.. and i've never gotten that ... this is the closest ive ever come.. believe it or not.. i have a better relationship with my dad than with my mom.. ( pretty pathetic) I'm 20 years old and i just graduated from cosmetology school. im not ready to take the state boards.. i havent gotten my test date.. even when i do i wont be ready.i cant focus to save my life. i took a break from my job in the restaurant so i could spend time w/ my dad... i'ts blown up in my face..i live w/ my fiance and i just am willing to do anything to have the relationship w. my dad i've been deserving.

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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Save that you have to accept that it is possible that no matter WHAT you do, that still involves HIM making efforts he may or may not make or follow through with.

Again, I know that really, really sucks, and I'm not saying you have to give up. It's up to you to decide if and when to abandon ship.

But I do think it's sound to say that if a hyperfocus on having a parent when one or both aren't really willing or interested is keeping you from the rest of your adult life, you're going to want to make some changes and work at having all of this be only part of where you put your energy.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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i understand what u mean, but its ALOT harder than just saying it. I thank you for your time and your help. I'm going to try writing the letter.I will let u know what happens if you'd like? .. thank you again

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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I know it's hard, and it also is going to likely be something that just takes time, possibly a lot of it. That's why I'm just a bit concerned as to how much of your energy it's getting: if it takes ten or twenty years to forge one of these relationships -- or to find that none are just going to be possible, not the way you want them to be and they should be -- and this gets most of your energy and time, you might miss out on creating your own independent life, or on things you really need to do to make that a life you like.

So, while all of this takes time to sort out, you can at least start giving some of your attention to other things, like getting ready for those state boards if cosmetology is something you want to stick with, or exploring other avenues if it's not, or you want to do something else in the meantime. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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thank u [Smile]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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