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Author Topic: Not sure if you can help
xneed2knowx
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but I want to ask anyway because I need help.

This is probably a stupid question to you but I need to know how I can change how I am. I want to know how I can learn to say no to guys. I want to know how I can say no and not be afraid of their response to me. I found out that I was pregnant again with #2 and I'm still in disbelief that this is the life I have created for myself. I always tell myself that I want to do better and make the right choices for my son and myself but then when I try to date any guy as soon as they want sex I can't say no. I want to say no so bad but I feel like I have to give in to them. To give you an example a guy asked me out to a movie. I kept telling him no and then one day for some reason I said okay. I just wanted to get out and do something with someone because I don't know many people here. We went to the movie that night and the whole time I was so uncomfortable because he kept touching me. I am still pretty new to this area so after the movie I asked him to take me back to my car and I didn't know he was going the wrong way. He pulled into an empty park and parked behind the bathrooms. He kept touching me and wouldn't leave me alone so I felt like I had to give him sex so that he would take me back to my car. I was afraid if I said no that he would leave me there and I didn't have anyone to call. I cant ever say no. I don't know what to do. I can't keep on this way.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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This isn't a stupid question.

You know, you came here originally in the thick of a very scary abusive relationship and you got yourself out. That's a serious feat and a very big deal. But it also takes a good while to heal from abuse, and often a good deal of time to really move out of those patterns.

It troubles me that you say you would have had no one to call in this situation. You're pursuing dates, and yet, it seems to me that it's clear it's friends you need more right now. I think one way to help yourself out would be to put dating on hold for a while and work on making friends and establishing friendships instead.

What you've just described here is date rape. You asked to be driven home, he denied that request, then took you somewhere where you were pressured into sex. Someone not taking you home when they ask you to is not your fault. You being so afraid to say no that you just caved is also not your fault: a date should not be putting you in that position in the first place. None of that is about who you are as a person: it's about someone else exploiting you. For the record, you can file a report on date rape if that's something you want to talk about doing.

In the future, sounds like you might need a hand with some dating safety. If you're going to go on a date with someone new to you who you don't know if you can trust yet, you should ONLY go if you always have an out, be that bus or cab fare or someone to call for a ride. Find out how to get to and from where you're going by using Mapquest before you leave, and print out a map. Ideally, you do not want to get in a new date's car: stay in your own, and drive yourself. You should never put yourself in a position where you're at the mercy of someone you barely know. All of these things don't always prevent an attack, but they often can.

So, I'll be in and out a bit the next few days. Let's talk, okay, about what you can do to change things a bit and also protect yourself a little better?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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I don't have any friends here. People don't come up to you and say "do you want to be friends?" but a guy will ask you out "hey you want to go to a movie?" I don't know how to make friends with people. I'm not one of those people who is funny or smart or really likeable. I'm just quiet and boring to people who don't know me. I have nothing worthwhile to add to their conversations so I stay out of them and stay unnoticed. People don't want to be friends with people like me.
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Heather
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You know what, though? Whether it's dates or friends, if YOU are never initiating contact with people, that's something you need to change. Too, if the only social contact you're having is with the guys who ask you out -- rather than you having an interest first -- that may well be part of the problem you're having here.

And listening to you in this post, I suspect your problem has a lot more to do with clearly low self-esteem than it does with how boring other people apparently find you. Certainly, if you think you're crap, other people with both a) tend to agree and b) treat you that way. So, besides just the benefit of feeling better about yourself, there are sound reasons to work on ditching those attitudes. Seriously: I can't encourage you enough, especially if you're sincere in things getting better, to make yourself a promise to stop saying things like that about yourself from here on out.

You can learn to make friends. Heck, even if you couldn't, that wouldn't make it balanced or healthy to have the only social interactions you've got be with the guys who want in your pants. Think about it.

Certainly, some people are more naturally extroverted and find it easier to strike up conversations. But plenty of other people simply learn, over time. There are also other quiet people in the world, for crying out loud.

So, what do you say we evaluate your social opportunities? For instance, there guys asking you out: where are they meeting you? Are you working right now or in school? What do you do with your leisure time? heck, is your kid in daycare?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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I want to change how I am and I mean that Heather. I will try anything because I hate how my life is now and obviously I'm not doing something right. I will start by not saying things that bring myself down. I feel those things are true but I am willing to not say them outloud or write them down. I guess thats a good first step to stop saying them and maybe I wont feel them so much.

My social opportunities? I only "know" people from work. My son is in daycare while I work from 7-2 and then we go home, and that's it. On the weekends we just stay home. Sometimes I will take my son to the park down the road, or we'll go get groceries but nothing that would put me out there in any way. I avoid situations where I might actually have to talk to someone I don't know at all costs. I don't know why but it's terrifying for me.

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Heather
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Well, here's one suggestion I can make: young mothers are very often socially isolated. Of course you are!

So, how about just reaching out to some of the other single Moms at your daycare? You could, for instance, put up a flier on a viewable message board for parents seeking out playdates for your kid, or even just saying you'd love to create a support network of other Moms. Or, you could just try and verbally make contact with some of those Moms, at daycare or at the park. Look in your local paper or Craigslist and see if there are other Mom groups around: chances are good that there are.

Again, you clearly don't avoid situations where you have to talk to people you don't know: you're accepting dates. Rather, you're avoiding social contact only when it's not about dating: so why not just try switching that up?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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Thanks for the advice.
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xneed2knowx
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Some girls at work went out to eat at a local restaurant for a Christmas get-to-gether. They invited me to go, so instead of saying no I agreed. It was a nice time and I do admit that I enjoyed myself. No pressure, just talking and lots of laughter. It was nice.
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ErinK
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Great! I'm glad you had a good time. Maybe you could keep in touch with some of them and propose an outing of your own next time?
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xneed2knowx
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Thanks, I hope to.
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