I dont really know where to start. I just have to type right now. I need to get this out. I have daddy issues. A LOT of daddy issues. I know that now. Since I was very little, I had just a strong desire for a man. Someone to love me, and make me feel sexy and beautiful. I can't even count how many crushes I have had during my adolecence on boys. But it was always the same thing. Nobody liked me in the way I liked them. I was too dark or skinny or flat or whatever, atleast in MY mind I was. My dad left when I was 8. He isnt a bad guy. But he just wasn't there. I started really doing bad things. I smoked when I was 9, I had a boyfriend in grade 4 who I would makeout with HEAVILY. I WAS 9!! During Junior High, I struggled with my appearance. I thought I was fat, even though I was really really skinny, and ugly, even though I was perfectly fine and pretty in my own way. No matter which boy I liked I always thought I wasnt good enough. During High school, which is now, I realized that if I try, I can be attracted to girls. I have never been attracted to girls as a child, but now I guess I can if I let myself. I feel hopeless now. for men. I just dont think I will ever meet the right one. I dont think there is a right one for me. I have explored the possibility of being a lesbian. But I just dont think I could. There is still that longing inside me, for that man who will come and make me feel like I should. But with all the daddy issues, all the boy insecurities, it doesnt seem worth it. A relationship with a girl I think COULD be OK. Girls are pretty to look at and easy to get a long with, I can connect with them emotionally, like you would with a good friend. But I just dont see my longing being fufilled in that kind of relationship. I am just so depressed and hopeless. I have felt a lot of horrible emotions, but none is worse then having no hope. I feel so sad that I missed out on years with my dad. I feel sad that I could have had a male great role model, and now all I have is a resentment for men. I feel sad that my dad missed out on ME. Didn't I deserve to have him here? Was I NOT good enough? Is there something wrong with me that men just dont want to be here?I just feel sad, and I feel like I will never be complete. Where do I go from here? What do I do?
Posts: 5 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2007
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