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Author Topic: Confused, need advice
Neheht
Neophyte
Member # 33741

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Hello everyone,

This seems a very nice Forum with a lot of friendly, genuine advice so I thought I'd join.

I have just got back from my girlfriends house and am feeling very confused and a little upset at what seems to have happened.

We have been seeing each other for 6 months and have been sexually active for 3. It seemed ok to begin with, though I couldn't help but feel that she didn't enjoy sex and was just doing it to please me, which is not the way I want it at all.

I voiced this opinion to her and she seemed quite upset that I would think that and she reassured me that the feeling was mutual and that she enjoyed it.

Then last night she complained about vaginal pain during sex and we stopped right away. She went quite quiet and said that what I told her about me not thinking she was enjoyed it was bothering her. I asked if she was lying about the vaginal pain and just wanted an excuse to stop and she said yes.

This really upset me, knowing that the one person closest to me had to lie about being in pain just so that we could stop having sex. I'm not particularly confident in the bedroom anyway and I really can't see myself having sex again without constantly thinking she just wants to stop.

I'm not sure where to go from here, whether I'm sexually inept or whether we're sexually incompatible.

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Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

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Welcome to Scarleteen. [Smile]

To begin, I really think here you did the right thing. When a partner doesn't seem to be enjoying sex, then a great caring partner should always stop and ask whether things are okay or not and if he/she wants to continue, it's the normal thing to do, really.

Why your girlfriend reacted that way and lied to you and was bothered that you were thinking that, I don't really know. Maybe she didn't have desire in the first place for sex, but yet felt a responsability that she owned it to you and were scared of your reaction if she told you she wasn't interested in sex, so she did it and invented painful sex in order for you both to stop. It could have been more easy to her than having to deal with your reaction to her saying she wasn't maybe in the mood for sex or something like that. Or maybe it's because of a totally different reason. We don't really know.

But whatever the reason may be, I think honesty is important in a relationship and that when something isn't right, it's important for a partner to voice that, whether it's in sex or in other things. You don't have to lie about it nor do you have to endure that without saying a word.
I agree with you on that one at 100 %. When something isn't right, you speak up. You don't hide it or lie.

That said, I'd have a talk with her and demand her some explanations as to why she acted that way. Why did she lied, why was she mad about you thinking she didn't enjoy sex and why she invented vaginal pain. I think as a partner you have a right to know, especially when it's partner you are sexually active with.

[ 05-06-2007, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Neheht
Neophyte
Member # 33741

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Thank you for your advice.

I wouldn't say she was really mad at me for asking, it seemed she was more hurt. As if suggesting that she wasn't enjoying it somehow meant that I was suggesting we weren't on the same emotional level.

I think I will have to talk to her about it some more and try and uncover what the problem seems to be. A big problem I feel is that she never really wants to engage in foreplay and it cuts straight to the chase, as if the quicker sex is engaged the quicker it's over. I'm not sure whether I'm reading too deeply into this or not.

All the same, I feel better for typing it as it doesn't seem quite as bad as it did in my head.

Thanks!

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cool87
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Is there a lot of communication in your relationship, from both ways when it comes to sex and limits and feelings about that ? Because THAT is a big part of sex and there really should be.

I think it would be important to let her know if you hadn't already that you need her to voice her opinions when it comes to sex because that is an activity that goes both way and that both should enjoy and that those opinions will be welcomed and not criticized, nor will you be mad no matter what her answer is.

As I said, she might be scared of your reaction and that might be the reason why she's lying to you, so reassuring her about that might be a good thing to do.

[ 05-06-2007, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Neheht
Neophyte
Member # 33741

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There is a lot of communication in regards to how we feel and just about anything other than sex. We are aware of this and have spoken about it, though it doesn't seem to flow and doesn't seem natural.

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cool87
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But is there communication when it comes to sex ALSO ? If not, I think it would be sage to abstain from sex for a while until you both are 100 % able to do that. It's just not healthy to engage in sex with a partner we don't feel 100 % comfortable voicing our concerns to when it comes to sex IMO. And it seems to be the case with your partner or she probably wouldn't have lied to you.

And what do you imply exactly by saying that ''it doesn't seem to flow and doesn't seem natural''.

quote:
A big problem I feel is that she never really wants to engage in foreplay and it cuts straight to the chase, as if the quicker sex is engaged the quicker it's over. I'm not sure whether I'm reading too deeply into this or not.

I think it's great you are aware of flags like that. It's always healthy to stop and wonder if things like that are red flags we should be careful about or not. Always. Really.

It might really be a red flag here, especially if your instincts are telling you that. One thing I've learned here is to trust your instincts. So that's also another thing you could ask her about. And as I said, I'd reassure her first before asking her whichever question you have to ask her.

So how about having a conversation with her about all that ?

[ 05-06-2007, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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cool87
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(bump : edited)

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Is this the first sexual relationship for both of you? I ask, because it often happens that our expectations for sex are heightened with all the hype surrounding it and then when we get to it and it doesn't feel absolutely spectacular, we're disappointed. To boot, contrary to what's being perpetuated in mainstream media, vaginal sex is hardly, if ever, the sexual activities that brings women the most pleasure.

So before you start asuming that there's something wrong with you or your girlfriend, let's cover the basics.

Are you waiting to make sure you're both relaxed and aroused before you have sex? Is your girlfriend lubricated enough (hint: extra lube never hurts and usually helps)? Are you engaging in activities other than vaginal sex?

I'm also going to leave you with some articles that I suggest you print out and read through with your girlfriend.
Ready or Not? The Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101
Safe, Sound & Sexy : A Safer Sex How-To
Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide

I'm sure this'll help answer most of your questions and concerns. If you've got anymore questions, come on back and we'll talk about it.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Neheht
Neophyte
Member # 33741

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It is the first sexual relationship for me and my girlfriend.

We are definitely both relaxed and aroused before sex, as it is the part leading into the sex which feels the most intimate and the most right between us. Lubrication is definitely not a problem.

We do engage in other activities other than vaginal sex, though like I said before, she seems to want to go straight into vaginal sex, almost to get it over and done with.

Thank you for the articles, I will be sure to read through them with my girlfriend.

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cool87
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Is it possible she maybe feels a necessity/obligation/pressure to engage in vaginal sex but yet doesn't like it much, hence her rushing into it to make it over it ?

(Because that wouldn't be so surprising. Intercourse isn't the MOST pleasurable activity for a lot of women, especially when not couple with other kind of stimulation be it clitoral or others. And a lot of women feels that intercourse really needs to be part of a sexual relationship and therefore feels the need to engage in it even though it might not be 100 % enjoyable for them. They can sometimes feel they owe that to their partner even if that's really not the case.)

Does she seem to not be enjoying other kinds of sex too, like oral and manual sex when you engage in those, or is it about intercourse only mostly?

[ 05-06-2007, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Neheht
Neophyte
Member # 33741

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It's only really intercourse that seems to be the problem. The thing is there is hardly any of the other kind of sex because it nearly always goes straight into vaginal.

That second paragraph really made sense and I do belive that to be the situation. I think I will build on what you've said and definitely discuss this with her.

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cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

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Here's another article that might also really help you both. This one is about intercourse specifically if you want to take a look at it. [Smile]

Yield for pleasure

And good luck btw !

You're welcome to come here and ask us questions if you still have some per the articles we linked you as Joey just said.

[ 05-06-2007, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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