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Author Topic: depressed and dumped.
poppybluefrogs
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My boyfriend of three years broke up with me on Monday. We weren't even arguing and out of the blue he said he was unhappy with me and that we should take a break. He said there could be a chance of us getting back together, but since then he keeps changing his mind about how he feels about me. I know i probably shouldn't keep asking him but i am confused. He has told me that i'm his friend and he has no other feelings for me, then he said he still loves me. Now i'm confused because he says he loves me but not as much and that he wants us to stay broken up and be friends but we can still hang out. It feels like he doesnt want things to change but just can't be bothered with the relationship side of things. For the last year he's been funny with me, very patronising and has cut himself off, avoiding telling me things about how he feels and stuff like that. I've decided i can't go back to him ever now because of the way he's been with me. He's kept me at arms length and i've had enough of being treated like a little girl.

Since then though i've had all these feelings of depression again. My uncle is still very ill and college work is piling up on me too. I'm frightened of feeling this way again. My depression scares me because i've been feeling so flat for so long. Feeling do low again is upsetting me even more. And to add to that i'm confused and feel so unworthy and un-wanted both by my ex-boyfriend, and about my school work. I don't know what to do with myself and i feel so rubbishy all the time. I can't sleep and i feel ill. I'm trying so hard but i keep crying. My friends keep telling me not to worry about it, because i'm going away to university in seven months.

I'm struggling to deal with this. What do i do?!

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Heather
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Seems like there have been some issues in the past year. Yelling and throwing things, to say the least, isn't a staple of a healthy relationship, and neither is creating other types of sexual relationships if you've got a monogamy agreement. So, from my perspective anyway, this doesn't seem so out of the blue, especially if you two hadn't been communicating clearly and often about the relationship and how things are going before this.

First things first? Take some time away from talking. This is a basic after a breakup, especially with a long-term relationship where, no matter what happened, both partners are going to miss the security and familiarity of the relationship. You both need time and space to process this without static: insist on it. No phone calls, no hanging out, at least for a couple weeks.

Relationships, as you're discovering, are a poor fix for depression, because conflicts in them or breakups mean whatever lift they gave you is kaput. So, how about -- given that obviously, you're also going to grieve -- you try and look at this as a bit of an opportunity to get on more stable footing? have you, for instance, ever sought out pro support, counseling or treatment for your depression? Even just talked to your doctor?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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poppybluefrogs
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I've never had a real sexual relationship with that other guy. He's a friend and a long distance one at that. I never cheated on my boyfriend, just to make that very clear. As per the communicating thing, i tried on many occassions to communicate. In fact i was trying to have a discussions about the relationship when he decided we should take a break, but we haven't disagreed or argued for a number of weeks now and so yes it was actually out of the blue. I thought things were getting better.

I currently see a counsellor once a month. It used to be twice a month but his schedule got a lot busier and he said i was making good progress. I was also on anti-depressants for a while but i hate taking pills and they made me very ill anyway.

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Heather
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I wasn't implying anything, merely that clearly, there were some problems.

And maybe he just got tired of dealing with them, period. Sometimes, we feel most the over-ness of a relationship when we're obviously getting tired of trying to resolve issues, rather than feeling a real desire to do so. With young adults, too, a lot of the time, people just outgrow each other. Also, just before one person gives up the ghost, things can feel a bit better because they're just not invested anymore and not even aware of it, OR he may have been aware of it and just wasn't honest with you, or ready to be honest over the last few weeks. hard to say.

If you know medication doesn't work for you, then you know it doesn't work for you. But there are other options, too. You might ask your counselor about support groups, for instance, or about how nutrition and extra exercise help some people.

But do take that time away from your ex: even just having some clear headspace for yourself may help. It's pretty painful after a breakup to still have some aspects of a relationship but not others.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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poppybluefrogs
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Ok. We're going shopping tomorrow because we planned it with other people too. I'm just bored of being treated like i'm a little girl. He caused alot of those problems himself by purposely cutting me off for the last year. My reaction to that was purely because i didn't know how to deal with him and i didn't even know what i had done wrong or even if i had done anything wrong.

I'm thinking of going away to my grandparent's get away from everything. I won't even see my counsellor till the end of february yet. I'm really struggling to feel good about myself right now. I really feel so ugly and awful all the time and as though i'm not good enough for anyone.

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Heather
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Can I suggest you reread your post here?

You acknowledge that you feel most of the relationship problems were caused by him.

If that's so, then why is this about your worth in any way, or your value to others? Can you see the conflict there and maybe also acknowledge that a relationship not working out has nothing to do with how you look or your value?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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poppybluefrogs
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because he says i didn't make him happy which is why he cut himself off. Sorry i thought i'd said that. It affects my self esteem because i didn't make him happy and to be honest knowing you're with someone for three years and couldn't make them happy pretty much makes me feel very crappy about myself.
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Heather
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The thing about relationships is that it's just not that simple.

We can't always make everyone happy, and every combination of people, no matter how hard each tires, just isn't always a good match for a given relationship. Plus, as I said, you're young: it's really normal for young relationships to just get outgrown.

I understand that it's a tough pill to swallow, knowing you tried with someone and it just not resulting in a good thing for either of you, but that really is just the way it goes. Doesn't mean you're a crummy person, doesn't even mean you weren't a good partner, just means the two of you didn't work for the long haul. It's pretty rare that people do, and it often takes more than one try to find a relationship that is workable and beneficial for both people over a longer time than a few years. It's also more likely to find that as you get a bit older.

But SELF esteem really needs to be about you, and how YOU feel with yourself, not about how you make other people feel. How are things with the rest of your life: scool and/or work? Your own life goals? With friends?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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poppybluefrogs
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I've had self-esteem issues for a long time. I've suffered severe anxiety in the past and pretty much have myself convinced that anything i do will turn out rubbish; exams, relationships, college work...everything. That's why i have to see a counsellor because i get myself so worried i have panic attacks. Recently though thing's haven't been too bad but i still feel that things i do will not be any good. I just had exams and i found it very difficult. I managed to do them without taking any beta blockers and without having an attack but i was very, very nervous the whole time and i despite feeling bad in the exam and now feeling alright about it i know that when it comes to results day i will be a nervous wreck. someone else will have to get my results for me because it happens every time and i don't feel able to control that.

My uncle is very ill with cancer and he's just come home from hospital so after all the tension and trying to get through every day when he was intensive care i've suddenly allowed myself to open up to those feelings. My counsellor and a doctor both thing i had a mental or nervous breakdown when things were at the worst. The doctor even asked me to consider being admitted into a psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks because i wasn't sleeping and was becoming more and more withdrawn and unable to cope but i said no. So i continued to see my counsellor instead.

My step father drinks a lot as well so i have to continually cope with not knowing whether he will come home drunk and start arguments. Or he will come home sober, not remembering what he has really done or said in the last week or few days and arguments will start. And then he sobers up completely and we have a good week or two and then it all starts again. He's also said a lot of stuff to me in the past, blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He's also hit me before and denied it to my mum who believed him until my sisters decided that for once they needed to stand up for me.

So there's a lot other stuff going on and i'm scared of this depression that i seem to be in again. And i don't feel good about myself anyway, but hearing that my partner of three years just doesn't find me attractive or want to be with me made me feel worse about myself.

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