Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Is there something wrong with me?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Is there something wrong with me?
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nixieGurl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am not sure how to explain this, but I will try my best. I think maybe there is something wrong with me. My counselors, the last two, have said there was, that I may need to go stay somewhere for a rest for a while, whatever that means, but I didnt agree. I dont feel like there is, I mean I know that the cutting and everything is not good but with everything that happened, I guess I was just trying to cope with it. But the more I talk to people and am around other people, I am starting to think that they think there is something wrong with me too. Like the way they talk to me is different to other people, like they are either mad at me or too careful around me, and I dont know why, maybe just because they dont know how to treat me because of my being abused and all?

I have nightmares almost everynight and I have to sleep with the blankets over my head, and I wake up crying. Is that normal? I mean with what happened, is it still ok? I cant look into mirrors, I dont know why, I just dont like it. If anyone touches me when I am not ready for it I freak out. And I sometimes can hear his voice in my head and see his face around when I am not sleeping. Am I sick? Is there something wrong? Maybe they are right and I need to be somewhere else? I thought this stuff just happened in recovering and stuff but now with how people have been, and the new counselor too, Im starting to think there is something wrong with me. Im scared, I dont get it. I keep screwing things up, but I think I am doing the right thing when I am doing it. What is wrong with me [Frown] I just want to be normal and be treated normally again.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, there's nothing "wrong" with you - in the sense that everything you're describing can be the result of very severe trauma.

But that doesn't mean that this suffering is "ok", or that you just have to put up with it.

It certainly sounds like you're having a really tough time right now, and experiencing a lot of difficulties.

My counselors, the last two, have said there was, that I may need to go stay somewhere for a rest for a while, whatever that means, but I didnt agree.

I'd guess they're talking about a short stay at an in-patient treatment program. That can sound scary, but a lot of people who are in crisis find it really helpful to take a break from having to cope on their own for a while.

So it might be worthwhile talking to your counsellors about what programs they have in mind, and then deciding if it's something you'd consider.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nixieGurl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Do a lot of people have to do that after they have been raped? Is that ok? I feel really wierd that they want me to do that. But I don't really want to do that. I dont want to be all by myself there with noone I know and I think that will make things worse. But I guess they know right? Its so confusing, I just want to be normal again.
Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Do a lot of people have to do that after they have been raped?

I don't have any statistics to hand, but it's certainly not unusual for people who've been very badly traumatized to need a lot of help getting through it.

I know Allysa was considering an in-patient program at one point, and there are several other people on the board who said that it's something they've done.

Is that ok?

It's OK if it's what you need [Smile] .

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be "normal" and "ok".

But really, there is no right and wrong here.

It's not like there's a certain amount of help you're "allowed" to need and that if you need more then there's something "wrong" with you.

I dont want to be all by myself there with noone I know and I think that will make things worse. But I guess they know right?

They're professionals, but on the other hand you know yourself best [Smile] .

So I'd suggest talking to them and finding out what they were thinking of, and what it'd actually be like. Then you can make an informed decision about whether you feel it might be helpful, or whether you'd rather look for different forms of support.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nixieGurl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I want to put pressure on myself to be normal again, because I feel like I should be trying more or doing something more because I keep getting it wrong and screwing up and then someone always gets hurt from what I do.

I feel like I should be okay by now, now that he has gone and he is ill too so he cant hurt anybody else. I know that I wont be completely better for a long time, but I feel like people like my counselors are just getting frustrated with that and it makes me feel really angry at myself for being this way. But I cant trick myself into being better already, I have tried.

The thought of needing to go to one of those places makes me feel really strange. I guess because others think I need to go, and I don't want to, but I don't want to be treated differently forever so maybe if I go then that will stop. To be honest, Im just scared.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sometimes, when we can't seem to escape the same patterns, trying to keep doing the same things only makes those patterns more inescapable. Sometimes, we need to mix it up a little, and try something entirely new and outside what we're used to to do that.

I suspect that if (and that is an if, I also suspect you may be reading furtsration that isn't all that there) your counselors are frustrated with you, it may be in part due to seeing that you're trying too hard in a way that isn't that helpful to you, and not being willing to try different things that might be.

So, like logic_grrl, I'd suggest just asking about what kind of facilities they're talking about, getting the details, maybe going and having a visit to the place to see what you think; talking to someone who has been there for a similar or same issue. In other words, look into it before shutting that door.

if you know what you've been trying isn't working, then you can't really afford not to consider new options.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67994 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nixieGurl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I asked her, she said she thinks I need some more help than she can give me because of the decisions I make in my life. She said if I made the right choices, then a lot of what happened would not have happened but there is nothing we can do about it now. I didnt make the choice for the things that happened. But I know I did screw things up, but do I really need to be put away somewhere because of it. I dont want to go away. I think I want to be here, right now, around my own things. I feel sick about this. Noone trusts me anymore, I feel like I have ruined everything, even with the counselors. I dont want to do this healing anymore.
Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(I'm tiptoeing a bit here, nixie, because I just don't know how much you want to discuss about this in a public forum, but you're addressing things that myself and Beppie know from direct interaction with you, so if I am not tiptoeing enough, just let me know, okay?)

Obviously, all of what you have been through in your life is not based on your choices. However, some of the things you're recovering from HAVE in part been due to some choices you've made, namely -- from my perspective -- due to finding it very, very difficult sometimes to choose between protecting yourself and what you often have percieved of as being hurtful in some way to the people who do you harm. And that's not at all atypical for someone to deal with who has been systematically abused, or whose abuses started at a young age.

And concern about you not being able to do that isn't a trust issue, as I see it. It's an issue of a counselor trying to see how to do their job to help you best to learn to be more self-protective, and to learn ways of doing that you have yet to be able to master, largely because you weren't given the chance to learn them, and because a LOT of the people you choose to keep in your life don't support you in that. Not knowing what sort of facility is being advised, it's hard to say if this is about "putting you away" or trying to provide you that kind of space to help enable this learning.

Per not wanting to do the healing, I get it. But the hard truth is that whether we want to do it or not, if we not only want to survive, but want to thrive, we've really got no choice.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67994 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(Hey nixie? I don't know just how common in-patient treatment for abuse survivors is, either. But when I tried finding a new counselor a year after my rape, it was suggested to me, also, that I should look into in-patient treatment. I opted out of it because I couldn't afford to take time off from my studies, but at the time it sounded really appealing to spend some time dealing with all of my issues in-depth and having people around me 24/7 who I can talk to and who can help me. I am doing much better now, regardless, but I think it would definitely be a good idea to look into what kind of programms are an option for you because it can really only be beneficial for you and it does not mean that there is something profoundly wrong with you.)

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9171 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3