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I need some help to work out a few things and figure out why I am feeling the way I am about this. I don't know how I should be feeling right now, I just don't understand, I am really confused.

SO much has happened over the past couple of weeks. One thing I am struggling a lot with is this: I found out that the man who had been sexually abusing me for all those years is now very ill with testicular cancer. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this. I feel pleased that he is scared and hurting like I did, but is that ok to feel that way? I don't know if this means I am a bad person to hope he is sick. Its just I cant help these feelings, he made me feel so powerless for such a long time I just feel like he is getting what he deserves. Is that wrong? Am I sick? I know its an awful disease, but he wont have to suffer for half his life like I did, and that makes me mad too. I feel ill about it, is it ok to feel this way?

The other thing I was thinking is... His wife has probably been hurt by him too, by what I have seen, but she loves him (ugh). Maybe when he has been gone for a while, I could send her a note just to say that I am sorry she has had a rough time, and that me reporting and everything was tough for her too, and if she needs a friend who understands, I really do and I dont have anything against her for it. Do you think that would be ok? I just feel like I should do something to help this Woman, even though she hates me right now, and she doesnt believe me, maybe inside she does? I dont know, I am so confused at all these feelings. Any advice?

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13388

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Schadenfreude - satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune. Originially from German.

While such feelings aren't necessarily entirely positive (for a lack of better phrasing), they're certainly understandable, especially as an initial reaction. Nixie, you've been through so much and you have such a good heart. Being mad is good; he is the responsible for the abuse, which he hasn't had been punished for (in a legal sense.) But you do feel ill about it, so working through this new development with with a therapist would be recommended.

As for his wife, is/was she aware of the abuse? Your gesture is kind, but I feel she also guilty in a way if she was aware but did nothing to stop it. How did she react when you reported? Did she support you at all, or react with disbelief and in defense of her husband? I'm sure she's had to go through a lot, too, but whereas you were a child, she was an adult who has to bear the responsibility.

Even if she was completely oblivious to all of this, she has anger directed towards you (not at all your fault), that you shouldn't have to deal with. She should be mad at her husband, not at you!! As time progresses, you can see how the situation develops; however, with what I know, I'd advise against the note (or any contact with her.)

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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