posted
My god when will this end, I can't do this, you guys say you can't help me because I am still in so much crisis to go to Eloise instead because she could, THANKS, SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING, I CANCELLED MY APOINTMENT TODAY BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING, SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO, how the hell am I suppose to describe how I feel when I don't even know, God my head is spinning in so many different directions I feel sick, I feel so angry inside and am begginning to vent it on my bf, what kind of person am I, God now I'm crying yeah how good am I, I'm weak that's what it is, WEAK.
I feel so god damn sick inside, I feel disgusting and fat, I don't even know how my bf can stand to look at me, I'm so ******* ugly, he says I'm sexy and stuff, yeah so sexy guys ******* rape me, WELL DONE.
That's really something to be proud of, I may as well get the ******* sign tattooed on my forehead, HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME, WANT SOME TAKE SOME, god I just want tp scream, I wish I didn't have to wake up in the morning and feel like I do now.
MY GOD WHY WON'T THIS WHOLE BABY THING STOP, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
Why should anyone care, I'm not worth ****, I hate myself so much why should anyone else like me, even my bf saying he loves me feels fake, I am up and down so many times a day it's madness.
WHEN WILL THIS END, DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY GIVE A TOSS, and why should you, it's not like you're here, or I'm your daughter or anything, even my own mother probably wouldn't give a ****, she's to worried about getting my ******* cat away from her, yeah thanks mum.
What kind of mother doesn't tell her child she loves them, I hate her, she's nothing to me, she doesn't even care what I am going through, not once has she asked me how I am, ****.
I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS...............
posted
Allysa? Im here if you need to talk, keep talking. It does help, I had one hell of a day too, so you can talk to me here. I know you hate it all, I know that feeling. Do you get it mostly at night? I do. And, we do care, alot. And I will be here as long as you need, cause I care.
Hang in there girl.
Posts: 611 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I just feel so angry nixie, I don't know why, nothing helps, I hate myself so much right now, I feel so sick, My heart aches from all of this, I can't find happiness in anything I do anymore, It feels so weak when I cry, I feel so weak inside, It hurst and takes so much energy to cry, I just can't do this anymore.
posted
I know what ya mean. You are not weak for crying, in fact I find if I cry and it does make me really tired its good because then I lay down and go to sleep and I feel better later. And writing it out like you are helps too. And also thinking about all of the people I have met here alone, that have got through nights like you are having tonight, and are doing okay and are happy now. And you will be as well. So just hang in there. Have you been doing much writing lately?
Posts: 611 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
everything I write is just horrible, It's depressing, I just don't want to pick up a pen for fear of what will come out, I asked my bf to get me some colouring books so I could keep my hands busy so I wouldn't cut, But the erge to do so is just over powering, I need a break and am not getting it, I have to wait three months because it's the only time he has off work, THREE MONTHS, I can barely last a day without feeling like screaming, I get so mad at stupid things and just explode, what the hell is wrong with me.
I just feel so ******* gross about myself, I bought new clothes hoping I would feel better and I just felt fat, I had to cover them up because I felt so fat, I mean I'm not fat, you know I'm not skinny either, I'm average, but I just felt like omg ppl are going to look at me.
I just feel so trapped in this, I don't think I can last much longer.
posted
Yes you can. Hey what is your favourite music? I have a few songs I really like to listen to when I get upset, it helps me to relax. Also when you are not typing to us, try to keep your hands busy by playing a game on the web or just whatever, I like to sketch when Im upset.
Try to take some deep breathes and we will work out how to make this a bit easier for you together ok? You can do it, and I will help you. It will all be ok, in the morning you will feel so much better. I do understand, and am here.
Posts: 611 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
How can we make it easier, everyone on here is sick of hearing me crap on because they don't know what to do because as they say I'M STILL IN CRISIS, It's been a bit over two months since it happened, what should I be doing instead, they can't just expect me to get over it..........
No forget it I'm getting angry again, I'm taking it out on here, ****, I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS.
posted
Hey Allysa, like nixie said, keep talking here for as long as you need to. But I think it might help you to talk to a real voice: the number for Lifeline is 13-11-14, it's a free number, and they can talk to you in real time for as long as you need.
Also, keeping your hands busy is a great idea; if you don't have a colouring book yet, just grab some paper and draw. Music is also a great idea-- maybe if you put on some songs that you can belt out (it's not very late yet!) it might help with your need to scream.
Hang in there. We're all rooting for you here, even if you can't hear our voices. Keep posting, and consider calling Lifeline-- a real voice can help.
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
Nope, Im not sick of hearing you. I think you are very talented with your writing and Poetry. I am not sick of hearing your troubles, if I was, I wouldnt read them. Noone expects you to just get over any of it, not at all.
You CAN do this, you ARE doing it, and we will help you with it. Its okay to get angry about it. Scream into a pillow if you need to do that to get some anger out. Scribble some of it down on paper. Try to think of a place you really like to go where you feel good and feel relaxed, that works for me too.
Posts: 611 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I have tried talking to someone beppie, they have no idea how to help, they are suppose to be trained in that kind of stuff and all they say is, describe how you're feeling...........I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M FEELING.
posted
Do you think you could try calling the number Beppie gave you? It might help to hear a real voice as she said. I know this wont seem very nice right now: But it cant just stop on its own, thats why we must figure out some way to make you feel a little bit better and calmer so that those feelings will start to go away. But they wont just go by themselves, which sucks, I know.
Posts: 611 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Allysa, please call Lifeline. Keep posting here too, of course, if you need to-- we ARE NOT sick of you, we want to help you, but you need to listen to us for that to happen.
There are no easy answers to why you're feeling this way-- on a basic level, it's because really crappy things have happened to you (but that does NOT make you a worthless person-- you are a great person). We need to take baby steps here.
Can you try answering nixie's earlier questions for us? What sort of music are you into? Do you have some CDs that you can put on, and sing along to, as loudly as you need?
Here's a few more questions for you: (repeat) What music are you into? What is your favourite book? What do you watch on TV? What is your favourite colour?
I know these are just little questions, and I'm not suggesting that answering them will make things all wonderful (because of course it won't), but taking things one step at a time here-- just keep talking. Try writing in lower case, answer the questions... and again, consider calling Lifeline-- you can keep posting here even while you're on the phone, okay?
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
(Sorry, I didn't see your last response when I posted this-- I'm leaving the post as it is though, because I want you to remember that you have the option to call Lifeline, even if you don't want to use it now. They can't offer miracle solutions, it's true, but it's better than nothing if you need a voice).
posted
Well, it is important, and I will be thinking of you tonight. I have to go now, but I will be thinking of you girl. Please know that I do care, and I dont even know you. Please think about some of the things we said. I really hope that those feelings start to go away soon, try to distract yourself as best as you can ok?
Lots of love to you, hang in there!
Posts: 611 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I can't ring them, it doesn't help, I have tried it and I cancelled my apointment today because they aren't helping.
No music cause I'm about to go to bed, fav colour is black, because that's how I feel half the time dark and mysterious, I watch silly soapies because they are just so lame, don't have a fav book because never found one I have been interested in.
Seriously just forget I said anything it's not important.
posted
It is important. I'm glad you seem to be in a slightly calmer state of mind now.
I like silly soapies too... well, I watch Neighbours a lot of the time anyway. It's some good light escapism. What do you watch?
As far as seeking out help goes, you know it's not miracle solutions here... it's like, if you break a leg really badly, you put it in a cast, but you don't immediately see a result. There's still pain to deal with, and the cast itself is itchy and uncomfortable, but you don't discard the cast because of that. You have to go through the whole process, even though the cast might annoy the hell out of you at times.
Like I've said, you can post here anytime you need to talk, but there are limits to what we can achieve over the net, you know?
Be strong for us Ally. If you're off to bed now, I hope you get a good night's sleep.
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
I have tried talking to someone beppie, they have no idea how to help, they are suppose to be trained in that kind of stuff and all they say is, describe how you're feeling...........I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M FEELING.
They can't do ****.
I know it may not seem that way, but they probably can help you, if you give them a chance.
If what you're feeling is that you don't know what you're feeling, then try saying that.
And actually, you're expressing your feelings very eloquently and powerfully right here. If you don't feel able to say it out loud, how about copying out some of your posts here to give to them?
As Beppie says, it's not about miracle solutions - no one can come in and "fix" what you're going through. But they can help you work through it so that you get to a place you can live with.
If you're feeling that you're completely unable to keep going and in danger of seriously harming yourself (and I'm very concerned about what you've said about taking painkillers), then one option would be to ask your counsellor about the possibility of getting some short-term inpatient treatment.
It may seem like a scary idea, but a lot of people in crisis find that it can be a big relief to have a temporary break from having to cope on their own, and gives them a chance to get things back under control so they can start recovering.
-------------------- "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Hi Allysa. I've had family visiting, and I haven't checked here for awhile. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. My heart is with you.
You do need someone to talk to. Perhaps Eloise isn't the one. Perhaps she is. I don't know. No one can cure you in an instant, but talking to the right person over a long period of time can work. A woman psychiatrist would be ideal.
Please don't hurt yourself. I care about you. So does Nixie and Beppie and logic_grrl and your boyfriend. You can come out of this eventually and live a long and satisfying life. Be strong. Don't let them win.
Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
They already have won, I am nothing like I used to be, my bf keeps saying he knows I can get through this and he knows that I will be happy, but how can I be, all I see is pain, I thought Eloise was helping, I mean last week I opened up about alot of things, but this week just before the appointment I rang and cancelled because I felt as though she wasn't helping.
I don't know why I feel so angry, I just want to apologise to nixie and beppie for how angry I was last night, it's crazy, my bf is asking me to try and pretend to be happy because I am taking my anger out on him, but as much as I hate myself for being like that towards him, I can't pretend to be something I know I'm not, I know he is trying to help and is running out of idea's on how to help me as he doesn't know what I am going through, but I just can't pretend to be happy when I'm not.
The nightmares won't stop, I wake up kicking and lashing out until I realise my bf is on the recieving end of those kicks and scratches, I feel so horrible for that.
Things are just so messed up, I just can't think straight, I need a brake from everything, but I can't have one.
I just feel like they have won already and things will never be as they were before, I feel as though something has been stolen from me and I can't get it back.
posted
I feel a bit like a broken record, but I'd again suggest you, for right now, see your counselor more than once a week, or, as logic suggested, start to consider in-patient treatment.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
The reason I didn't go to Eloise this week is because I felt as though it wasn't helping, if you didn't read it above, I have thought a bit about the in-patient treatmeant but I very much doubt we have that down here and even if we did I assume it would be in Hobart which is a long way away from me.
posted
Sometimes a counselor isn't a good fit for us; it's possible Eloise didn't mesh with you in a way that was helpful, but there are other counselors. Just because one counselor isn't helping you make headway doesn't mean another wouldn't. Bear in mind too that therapy takes time, and you need to stick it out for more than a couple of weeks (with more frequent sessions if necessary) to get a feeling if whether it's working or not.
-------------------- Unlucky at cards; lucky at love. Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Yes but right now I guess I am looking for a quick solution, this is all getting way too much for me and I feel that more than one coucelling session a week would become to stressful because I will have no control over how fast I am dealing with it, I just don't know what to do because I need a break from this so badly and I can't have one, I just don't know how much more I can take.
posted
I'm going to be really frank, because I don't know how else to be.
You don't get a quick solution. None of us do. It simply doesn't exist. processing and healing from rape generally takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, and a lot of help.
But by not sticking with the steps to do all that, such as working with a counselor able TO help you do all of this, you're actually playing a part in all of that taking longer.
We've all given you a lot of advice, and it's the advice anyone working with a rape survivor would give to them: you need support, you need counsel, you need in-person help with how things have been for you. But it's your choice, and if you choose not to pursue those avenues, or pursue others, such as reporting, and thus likely getting even more help a bit more easily, there is little to nothing we can do to help.
But no: there isn't a quick solution. I sympathize with your frustration in wanting one: any of us who have been there have wanted that, and it sucks that it just doesn't work that way. But it doesn't. However, continuing to get support, upping that support as needed, puts you on a track to it taking less time, not more.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I'm sorry for thinking there is a quick fix so to speak as I myself no full well they don't exsist, but this for me is so way out of what I am usually capable of dealing with, I mean I have been through a lot in my life time and have been able to sort it out to the point where I feel I can lead a some what normal life, but this to me is so huge I just have trouble getting a grasp on things.
I appeciate all you guys have done for, don't get me wrong, you guys have been awesome, but sometimes for me even if I am going through so much crisis, I still feel the need to take a step back now and then, for the fear of things getting too much too soon and as much as I know councelling will help this week was just one of those weeks where I needed that step back, I made another appointment with Eloise for the week after that as I knew that I would need to by then.
I am not giving up on getting help I am simply going through things at a pace I feel is easier for me to go at, I don't mean to seem like I am not listening to your advice or as though I am giving up I am simply working through this as slowly and easily as I feel I can.
As I stated before this is a huge thing for me to go through as it is with anyone, I think that after everything I always hoped this wouldn't be one thing I would have to add to my list so to speak of things I would have to go though but unfortunately I didn't have a choice.
So again thank you all for your help you have all been terrific.
A big Thank you to nixiegirl, once again you were there for me when I was at my worst and you stuck it out with me, You're and amazing person for helping me through my ordeal when you have so much going on for yourself, Lots of love from Me.
posted
I understand the need to take things at a slower pace because of a fear of getting overwhelmed by emotions, but aren't they overwhelming you already, whether you slow the pace down or not? You've mentioned pretty regularly that you don't know how to cope, things are out of hand, you don't know why you feel this way - all of those things indicate that things are already too much for you. As Miz Scarlet pointed out, taking things at a slower pace (even if you think it works more comfortably for you) is drawing out that process.
I totally respect that you're doing things at your own pace, but at the same time, you're feeling two very contradictory things in terms of how you want to heal (you want to be better now, but you want to take your time for fear of things getting to be too much) and that alone is going to cause conflict and frustration. It's a painful crappy process, no matter which way you look at it - wouldn't it be worth considering pulling the bandaid off quicker, so that you can reap all the benefits that support can bring? There's only so much we can do, as a support and guide, and we'll always encourage you towards the choices that work best in helping survivors process and cope with their assault.
-------------------- Unlucky at cards; lucky at love. Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Things are just so crazy at the moment, the stress is really getting to me and I just feel overwhelmed with it all, I am not used to any of this kind of emotion you know, I mean I am used to having to deal with some pretty crazy stuff, but this takes the cake.
I really just think a break would be really benificial right now as things here are a constant reminder of what happened, and the fear of seeing him is a constant stress.
I just thought that taking things slow would be best, I totally agree that it will just draw the process out, but I am trying to deal with this as best I can, it's not as easy as you guys make it sound you know.
In this case, I really would second logic_grrl's suggestion that you seek in-patient therapy.
Staying in a mental instituition really isn't as bad as hyped; I speak from personal experience when I say it was the best thing I could have done when my depression was really bad. You can focus entirely on healing when you don't have to worry about the stresses of everyday life. Most places form support groups for patients to help one another, and have regular group sessions during the day.
It sounds to me like this would be an excellent option for you, especially given your posts about wishing to harm yourself by cutting/having thoughts of buliemia. How about discussing that option with Elliouse?
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I have really thought alot about that since logic_grrl's post on it and yes I will inquire about it next week when I do see Eloise, but I am unsure if it is available here in Launceston as I would think if it was available anywhere it would be in the state's capital which from here is a three hour or more drive, and as much as I feel it could help I would worry about being away from my bf if that makes sense because it would be so far away if I did need him, but again I will inquire about it for sure, there is a show down here called Home and Away, you may have heard of it and one of the characters in it went to such a place for bullemia and as soon as I saw it I actually said, they should have something like that down here.
But yes I will deffinately ask if there is that ooption here as I feel it would be good to give it a go.
posted
Why is this so hard, Why can't I handle this, Why do I feel so angry all the time, Why is it so hard for me to tell my bf that I love him, Why do I feel so empty all the time, all these questions and no answers.
posted
It's more a case of "all these questions and no easy answers."
There's nothing we can do to speed what is necessarily a lengthy and often difficult process, except give you the advice that we have already given you.
By the way, I did a google search about mental health facilities in Launceston, and while I didn't find one particular site with the info, I did get the impression that there are some facilities there, though not much of an idea about how accessible they are. Still, it's definitely an option, so remember to ask.
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
I found one in Hobart for PTSD but the site did not include the cost of the prgram as it is a four week program, and I also don't know how I would cope being so far away from my bf if I did attend, but I very much doubt I could because I don't feel I would be able to afford it anyway, as I have very little money, I mean I am all for trying this out, I have not been diognosed with the illness as I have gone to a doctor and the doctor was quite rude thinking I was only there to be diognosed mearly to stay out of the work force, but again even if I could attend the money is a huge factor.
I am only awake right now because I started crying and my bf needs his sleep and I would have kept him awake from my sobbing, I just I dunno, I am at a loss of where to turn, I just feel lost.
posted
I'm not sure, but I know that Medicare covers some hospitalisation, perhaps you could look into that?
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
Yeah I thought it would be good to try, maybe a more intense therapy would kinda push me in the right direction, but again I haven't been properly diognosed as the last doctor I went to thought I was there to stay out of work and told me ' I am not signing a piece of paper to let you sit on your arse' and this is coming from a doctor at a youth center.
I don't have a regular doctor, well I do but he's a jerk and just jokes about everything.
posted
I'd suggest then, that you call the center and explain the situation to them, including your doctor's clear bias about psychiatric treatment.
Undoubtedly, they have dealt with similar situations before, and could both advise you of what to do, and fill you in on the details of their programme so you can consider it for yourself with all the information you need.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I have just rung Laurel House to try and get Eloise before she went on holidays but got Rachael instead, who is another councellor there, I gave her the information on the site and she has looked at it and will be ringing them to find out more details i.e cost and so on, and she will be ringing me back when she has contacted them, she agree's that they may be able to do more intense therapy and maybe target some problems areas that possibly Eloise couldn't, I also gave her permission to look in my folder so she can bring them up to speed on my situation therefore knowing what they will be dealing with if I get to attend.
I am excited but still nervous that because I haven't properly been diognosed with PTSD that they might refuse, but hopefully after hearing what has happened they might say yes, but again cost and transport down are my main concern, I am willing to do this treatment if it means regaining what I had before and not jeporadising my relationship with Scott by venting my feelings onto him.
So fingers crossed something can be sorted out as I feel like I am running out of options and maybe a more intense coucnelling program would be a good thing right now.
I, for one, am pleased as punch to see you taking proactive steps.
Rock on with your bad self, girl!
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Right on, Allysa! That's an excellent step to take towards your recovery. Keep it up. Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Thankx guys, I haven't got a call back yet but Rachael said that if she didn't contact me today then maybe she couldn't get through to them so maybe monday morning I might ring back and see.
I really hope this is something I can do because I really want things to get better, I don't want to be like this anymore, and I know my bf would like to see me happy also.
posted
Just got a call back from Rachael, she has emailed Hobart and also given them a call but is awaiting a call back and some info, and when they call her back, she assumes next week sometime she will pass the information onto me also.
So I should know what't the go next week sometime.
posted
Thankx heaps, I am worried though that deep down I am getting to excited by thinking it will happen and will become very overwhelmed and upset if this doesn't go ahead, I mean there was never a garuntee that this would happen but again deep down I have convinced myself it will, therefore worring about how if will affect me if they say no.
posted
Haven't had a call back about the in-patient program in Hobart as of yet, if I don't get one today which I find very unlikey now as it's getting late I might give them a call tomorrow and see what the go is, things aren't getting much better for me here so I am really hoping this is something I can explore further.
posted
Got a call back and basically it was a waste of time, the program is over ten thousand dollars for the four week program, I think Rachael said it's $510 a night five nights a week for four weeks and I am lucky if I have ten dollars in the bank.
I've been searching the web for you except haven't found anything.Where in Australia are you?(So I can help you)
Posts: 316 | From: South of something. | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
I'm in Tasmania in the city of Launceston, there is one in Launceston but I refuse to go to it because it is not for what I need, when the PTSD would have been ideal.
Thankx heaps tuxy for you rying to help it means alot,
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