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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » ready, willing but am I able?

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Author Topic: ready, willing but am I able?
Member # 28826

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Hey hunnies,

First of all sorry I havent been around that much, had an operation and had to recover from that. However my point of asking is I am ready to have sex for the first time since I was raped, Ive told my b/f that. Im ready and willing but how am I to suspend the flashbacks? Do you have any tips on suspending flashbacks or ways of dealing with them during sex?!

I know im ready and I have known my boyfriend for years, I am prepared to have sex, I have condoms, lube and birth control pills. This is the only thing thats holding me back.

All my love

Posts: 83 | From: Dagenham, Essex UK | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 11569

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I think the best advice I read was from the Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines. Essentially it's to be aware of your triggers, go slowly and pay attention to how you're feeling. Many survivors find themselves tensing up and blocking out their thoughts and feelings during sex to not feel the triggers or feelings coming back. But if you're in touch with your feelings and emotions you're able to judge if this is something you're willing to ride out, or if you need to stop whatever activity is triggering and talk it out with your partner.

It can be kind of scary at first to be fully present during sex, but it's also empowering - not only are you getting a feel for what triggers or frightens you, but you're also aware of the good feelings that sex can bring.

I wish you loads of luck, keekee. I think your sense of responsibility and and sense of self will go a long way in easing your transition to being sexually active again - but don't feel like you've backslid if you do experience a trigger. It's part of the process of moving on. I really would recommend the aforementioned book if you want a solid resource for being a sexually active survivor of sexual assault. All the best!

Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27855

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keekee, I can really sympathize. I was molested when I was younger, and it was a huge factor when deciding to have sex with my boyfriend. I told him I might freak out, and he understood. Well, one day I just went over to his house and we had sex (it was kind of planned, kind of not- I told him to have protection but didn't promise anything). It all just felt so right- I kept on my mind that I love my boyfriend, that he would not take advantage of me, and that he loved me. I didn't flashback and still don't. When it feels right, do what you feel comfortable with, but if you start to flashback, don't hesitate to stop. One day you will move on, but it's at your own pace on your own terms. [Smile]

[ 08-25-2006, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: Faith54 ]

"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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