I havnt posted in a while, and for that im sorry. Im really scared and upset, i dont know what im supposed to do, im sorry if this is not the right place to post this or if i can at all, but any advice would just be so helpful. My dads friend who raped me has moved from the north island, to my neighbourhood, just a couple of streets away from me. I know it is so stupid because its not like he is next door, but we live in a small town, i see him when i go to work, i see him when i go surfing, i see him when i walk down the street. He knows exactly who i am, he waves or winks or says some smart comment every time i see him. I just cant handle seeing him. I feel sick, i even have to go home and throw up because i feel so ill when i see him. I cant sleep, im so scared he will come over here. My mum is going away for a while and im going to be alone and im just terrified, i know that is stupid too because im 19.
Thing is, i cant move, i cant afford to move. My job is here, i go to university, my friends are here. My mum is here. I dont want to be driven away by him, to give up all that cause he has already taken enough from me in my life. But I dont know what else to do Has anyone ever been where i am? If anyone has any advice, i would be so grateful. I do apoligize for posting yet another post for help, thanks for all your help, I cant tell you how much i appreciate what you all do here.
There is nothing stupid about having fears about someone who you know to be a rapist, and even less so for someone you know to have raped you and gotten away with it. That's self-preservation, girl. And of COURSE you feel sick when you see him: this is in no way unreasonable.
Where are you in New Zealand? I would really like to hook you up with a rape crisis counselor/advocacy group hotline, nixie. I know that you feel you can't tell anyone about this, but please understand that it's worth at least considering.
For instance, a report on this could have -- and likely could still -- legally kept this guy from moving into your neighborhood, or if he did, resulted in the neighborhood being notified he was a child rapist. It could/would result in him being unable to make ANY contact with you. You should not BE driven away by a rapist, but that may mean making some different choices about this. Again, I'd just really like you to talk to someone who can tell you your options locally so that you can just consider these things, no matter what you decide to do.
Per your Mom being away: can any of your friends stay with you for your comfort?
I live just out of christchurch in the south island. Im really worried that if i tell someone they will tell my family. My family doesnt need this right now, they have been through enough and I really dont want to be the cause of more stress for them. Do they have to tell my family if i talk to someone?
I dont want to report it because then my whole community will find out about it, small towns a terribly hard for things like this. It was a few years ago now, i just want to forget about it, its just not happening with him around. I dont want people to know about it. I dont know what they would think, and he is a pretty respected guy so i just feel like they wont believe me anyway, i have no evidence anymore.
I told one of my friends who lives nearby, the older one who i had told about what he did to me, and she is gonna watch out for me while mum is away, im still a little nervous but not as scared now that I have told her.
I'm going to say some things that won't sound very comforting or nice, but it's important I say them, because they're factual, and you need to be able to know what you're dealing with here to make good choices.
So, here we go:
1) You won't forget about it. Ever: not even 40 years from now. Absolutely, in time there will be times when, like any past experience, it's not something you're thinking about, or isn't at the front of your mind. A time will likely come when you can go days without thinking about it. But you won't forget: something this traumatic just isn't something any of us can forget about. Rape survivors can move on, we can heal, we can accept certain things, but we just don't get to forget what happened, even if our attacker is halfway round the globe from us. And TO heal and deal better, almost always, we have GOT to work it, we have got to talk about it, we have got to not try and just shove it away.
2) I understand, very much, what you're saying about small towns, and you're in a tough position. If you don't tell or report, your personal safety is at a greater risk BECAUSE you're in a small town where no one knows this guy is a rapist, and where people tend to be loyal, especially when they don't know someone's real history. People in a small town are going to assume that everyone is safe for everyone unless they find out otherwise. Because you're in a small town, if you do report, you absolutely will have to deal with very heavy backlash: it would be unusual for any victim in an isolated community not to, as grotesque as that is. Your parents will be informed if it goes to trial -- this was in your childhood, so one or both may be asked to testify. Your whole community WILL find out, and many of them will feel so betrayed by this guy that they'll prefer to blame you or say you fabricated this. Again, this isn't good news, and there are exceptions, but this is usually how these things go.
3) If you never report, and this guy continues living there, you WILL likely want to plan to move in time. It will not likely ever be comfortable for you to live there, you are not likely to ever feel completely safe. Life will be of a lesser quality for you there in some regard than it would away from there. This is one of the big downsides of not reporting: it can result in you being driven out of somewhere you love because of what someone else did TO you. It's awful, it's in no way just, but that's often how it goes.
BUT. You can, absolutely, talk to a rape counselor/advocate or a legal representative and have ALL your information remain 100% confidential if you choose. One or both of those folks could likely help you file an anonymous report, and even find out if other women have reported this guy before -- often, people like this repeat. For all you know, there's another woman or little girl out there who has been or is currently being victimized by this guy, and your report may be of a huge help in getting him behind bars. They can also tell you what your legal options are (which can include things like barring him from any contact with you): I'm not all that familiar with child molestation and rape law in NZ.
What I want you to be able to do is to simply find out what all of your options are so you can consider them. I want you to be able to talk to someone who can tell you the pros and cons of reporting, what options you have, the pros and cons of telling your family -- there ARE pros, you just aren't seeing them yet -- the pros and cons of staying where you are, and what help you can get if you choose not to report, but want to live somewhere you feel safe. I just want you to be able to get informed, big-time, as well as have an advocate who is more local for you. That advocate likely can also help you find confidential support and counseling.
Here are a few organiztions you can start with, just even via email:
Rape and Incest Survivors Support Centre(RISSC): Tel:3653626(day) 3647324(a/h) -- 24-hour telephone counselling service and facilitates support groups. Also provides support in the home, at court and with police matters.
That was hard to hear, but I understand, thanks for saying it all. I dont feel so stupid hearing someone else say it. I am stuck in what i should do, so i guess i will try use on of your links. Im really nervous about it though. I have decided though, not to report it. I know how selfish that decision is, and im sorry. But i cant do that right now.
I think the hardest thing for me is that, i wont forget it. All i want is to forget and its really hard to let go of the hope that i will forget it all. I guess I will have to leave eventually, for now, im trying my very best to be strong and go back to normal, i just feel like i get sent 10 steps backward everytime i see him. I will try to talk to someone about it best i can. Thanks for the help again, will let you know how it goes. Nixie
Doing things out of self-preservation when the situation is dire isn't selfish, okay? But before you make any big choices, do talk to some of those resrouces, just so you know ALL of what you have to consider before making a big choice.
Whatever choice you make is an okay choice for you to make: I'd just like you to be able to make those choices as fully informed as possible so that you can make the very best one fior yourself and the quality of your life.
And of COURSE you feel feel regression when you see this man. You are seeing a man who repeatedly assaulted you as a child who in no way is being held accountable, and who -- from the sounds of his behaviour --ENJOYS you knowing he can still go anywhere he wants freely, far more than you can BECAUSE of what he did. That is going to rattle ANYONE, big-time, babe.
Do make a call to one of those agencies tomorrow: they will keep this as condfidential as you like. It's their job to be YOUR advocate.
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