I am having a really rough time at the moment. The counselling is supposed to make me better but it just seems to make everything harder.
I had a really bad week. I just dont feel like I can do it anymore. I just want to never wake up again. My mother hates me. Every time I try to do something right for her I screw it up. My step dad and her broke up because of me, because he was hurting me but I shoudnt have made such a fuss and then she would still be happy. But she hates me now. I just want her to know that I dont hate her and I dont mean to screw everything up.
I told my dad I cant go to see him, then he called the other day and he is upset with me about that, and then my sister called and said i was so selfish and she is mad at me, but I am afraid of going to see my dad because the man who raped me is always at his house and Im scared of him. But I cant tell them that.
I have been talking to the counsellor and she asks me some things and it just makes me feel sick. I feel really dirty and gross when I talk about it, and Im scared that these feelings will never go away. Talking is supposed to help right? But its not at all its making me feel worse and I cant sleep and I cant eat and Im supposed to be better now.
Why am I feeling worse? How do I make this easier? I know you are not doctors and mind readers, I just dont know what to do, its so hard to keep going and trying to pretend it didnt happen isnt working anymore.
you know, i totally understand that sometimes everything feels so bad you just want to give up. but hey, life goes on no matter what happens right? time doesn't just stop. and you know whats always so bad (at least for me)? when you feel so crappy like nothing else could go wrong, and then you see other people laughing and joking around..even sometimes your counselor..and youre just wondering WHY that person of all is so happy when they know how YOU feel..you just want them to be in the same place you are..but that's not possible because its YOUR problem right? well ok, i highly doubt that your mother hates you. Firstly, it CANNOT be your fault that they broke up...ok i mean what right does he have to hurt you? physical abuse you mean? he has NO right to do that, and even if he did, how could you think its your fault? hes the one who hurt you, not visa versa right? so HES the one whose supposed to be at fault. I dont think your mother hates you, she is just worried about you, or maybe overwhelmed by so many feelings she doesn't quite know either how to deal with all the changes. You know, maybe you guys are feeling somewhat the same? I suggest you sit down and talk to your mom (even though it can be the hardest thing sometimes) and tell her how you feel. does she for instance know your step dad hurt you?
i think on some level you're making things bigger than they are, and that's perfectly normal to do when you're having such bad days and they just wont seem to go away ever (believe me...ive been there) but you got to sit down and just think about things, think about WHY you are feeling the way you do, and what exactly youre thinking of that makes you feel that way, and try to actively change the way you think and feel. Then you will see it with a different perspective and deal with it differently.
as for your counselor, it seems like all she wants to do is to help you, so you just have to let her. It can be so hard to accept a new person into your life since youve had alot of bad experiences, but these people are trained to help you, so you got to let her. and if you feel its not working out, look for somebody else! talking is supposed to help, but then you got to have a different attitude toward it and not feel that what she says is gross. try to look at it positively!
i know exactly how you feel though. i mean, im also going through so many depressive states and nothing seems to go away. i mean, ive turned to cutting, which not im not "allowed" to do anymore because of some stupid *no harm contract*. its a bad idea, trust me. im glad youre not there yet.
but cheer up! there are alot of people here who will always be there for you! dont give up ok? reply to this soon and let me know what happens ok??
(Do understand, ridiculous, that nixie is a survivor of some pretty serious abuse, so the typical family scenarios are such really don't apply here.)
1. Your mother's relationship breakup is HER issue and her thing to bear. Someone behaving like an adult and a good parent would know this. If se's putting the blame on you, nix, she isn't being either of these things.
What would make YOU feel better in this regard? What do YOU need here?
2. Might it be time to reconsider telling you Dad about the abuse? Perhaps with the ehlp and company of your counselor?
3. Are you telling your counselor the feelings the counseling is making you have? If not, do. Like any healing, it's pretty normal for things to feel worse for a bit before they start to feel better, so how you're feeling is normal. But if you communicate these feelings to your counselor, she can probably help and tailor her questions accordingly.
You are right, I am making much too big of a deal out of all of this. I know the counseling is supposed to help, but its just not, But the thing is i really am trying to make it work. I did what you said Miz Scarlet and I told her how I was feeling during the sessions, and she is trying to make it a bit easier for me. But it just isnt, and I guess it is just me.
I cant talk to my mum and dad about any of it. Its not a matter of me not wanting to, but i cant.
Im really really scared right now. I know this is so stupid, and I know I complain alot and I know I am making a big deal out of this stuff. I just feel so crappy. The only thing that makes me feel better is if I am sleeping or if I am drunk, which only makes me feel better for a little while but i tend to be doing it an awful lot lately.
I dont like being like this, I know I am not much fn to be around at the moment, I really am trying my best though, even though it must not seem like I am.
Im sorry this is so long. I just dont understand these feelings. I cant eat, I have just been losing so much weight, I feel too sick to do anything. I usually go for a run everyday and I go in the afternoon and try to go swimming everyday, but lately I havnt had any energy. I tried the whole, get out and do it and then gain the energy thing, and fainted. So that put me off that whole thing! Sorry to complain again. I just really dont understand whats wrong with me lately. Thanks for listening.
Sweetheart, you've got to cut yourself some slack. This IS a big deal: you aren't escalating it because the long-term effects of abuse are kicking your butt.
But it does sound like you ARE setting yourself up to have even MORE problems to grapple with. Alcoholism and eating disorders aren't going to make anything easier for you in the long term, they'll only make it harder. Alcohol is a depressant, so if you're drinking a lot, it's no wonder you're feeling more down lately: once the buzz wears off, that's what happens. Not eating is going to have the same effects. And both of those things will absolutely increase your depression, and make all the hurt from this stuff hurt more, not less. Those two things may well BE what is wrong with you lately, even more than the abuse.
Nixie, is there someone in-person you turst, your best friend, an extended family member, who might be up for being a mentor of sorts for you for a little while? Willing to help you keep from the hooch, get out on walks together, eat together?
My best friend, who I told about the rape and stuff, well she lives with her boyfriend who I dont get along with because he hits her and I get so mad about that, so last time he did it, I had a huge arguement with him and she told me to go, and she wont return my calls or anything. I dont feel like it would be the right time to tell her I need help because im feeling sad, when she is the one I really should be helping alot more.
I do have a friend who is older than me, in her 30's. She is one of my best friends, She knows too. She asked me just out of the blue, if anything like that had happened, which was kinda wierd. And I told her. I guess I could hang out with her for a while.
I have tried to eat, but I just cant. I feel too sick all the time and I just dont feel hungry even if I havnt eaten all day. And drinking seems to work for a little while. So somedays when i feel really down anything that will make me feel better for a while is better than nothing, at least thats how i feel at the time. But I have been trying really hard to not cut, which has been really hard, and Im trying my best not to have to do that again. At least thats something.
Thanks for the advice again, I really appreciate it sooo much.
Thing is, it's not better than nothing. Not emotionally, and absolutely not physically. Drinking when you haven't been eating is horrendous for your body. Criking when you're in emotional turmoil literally makes you less able to handle the turmoil. It's self-destructive and counterproductive for you here.
Please ask this friend to help intervene right now. Please.
Even if you can just keep a box of saltine crackers around and munch on one or two to get your appetite stimulated again, that'll be helpful. Even if you can eat a few bites of a meal a couple times a day, that helps. Getting out and about will also help with that, as will having someone to help you put the booze away.
Ok, I will try to ask her to help. I dont know what else to do to make myself feel better. Talking didnt help, I just want to sleep, and of course I cant just sleep all the time. I feel like even when i talk about it, I dont feel relieved anymore its like there is constantly this huge weight on my chest and I wake up and hope it is gone but i immediatly feel bad again. And its not because I am not trying to think more positively, I really am trying.
I wont drink anymore. I will try to go and do more things to keep busy, I just have no energy. I tried to at some crackers, I just am not hungry at all. One of my friends said that if you are depressed you eat more and not less, so i dont know what is wrong with me :S
I dont want to worry my friends about this, I hate being this way. But I will try to talk to that friend about it, I go around to see her alot anyway, But I usually tell her Im ok when she asks. I will tell her next time that I am not doin so well though.
Everyon'es eating habits differ with depression: some find they lose appetite, others stress-eat, others still don't have many changes in eating at all.
The big reason you likely have no energy is because of not eating and drinking, coupled with the depression. Think mind over matter: your body DOES want food, it's pretty clearly trying to tell you that.
At this point, if it has been more than several days since you have eaten, I'd suggest that if you cannot find a way to start eating at least one meal a day, you seriously consider hospitalizing yourself, sweetie. You truly put your health at great risk with starvation: it's serious business.
People who are your friends already have concern for you, so trust that, okay? You can't really put out a friend by asking them to help you stick around and keep yourself from danger. That's what friends do for each other.
I really dont want to go to hospital I am trying to eat a little bit more. I am not starving myself because I think I am fat or anything, I just am not at all hungry, and I feel sick.
I didnt eat this weekend, I mean I tried to, but I just havnt felt like it. Im making myself today though. I really cant go to hospital. I am going to try to go out today and just get out of the house.
Its wierd because I am really lonely but then when i see my friends I just dont feel like being around anyone. I will let you know how today goes.
Well, I have been eating the crackers. I dont feel good though. I will try to eat more tomorrow. But i am kinda torn because my mum has been telling me i need to lose weight, and all of a sudden, i have. Which i guess is good, but I dont feel good.
I did see my friend today. I told her I hadnt really been eating cause I havnt been feeling well, and so she said I can go over there whenever I need to. SHe is even gunna take me for a vacation with her fiance her is my friend too, and a few of our other friends, after christmas. So I am really really looking forward to getting away for a while. I just hope it makes me feel better. I will try to eat more tomorrow. Right now I think I just need to sleep some more.
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