Maybe its just my imagination but it seems like thinking is a good way to get yourself in trouble sometimes. I guess that's what's gotten me into trouble the last couple of days. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 2 years, and he was a "great guy". Yeah he was around when things got too bad with my mom, is has for the last 4 years been verbally and emotionally abusive to me, sounds great right, trust me all was not well in the Land of Love. He himself was abusive, ask him and he'll tell you it was my fault, he'll tell you that I didn't try hard enough, hard enough to keep him from forcing me to do things to him that I didn't want to do, or to keep him from doing things to me that I didn't want him to do. He never actually raped me, not by legal terms anyway I guess he "sexually assaulted me". He forced me to give him hand jobs, if I pulled away he'd put my hand right back, if I kept doing it he being stronger than I am would hold my hand there, and hold my hand as he did it, he tried to touch me, and when he did I'd push him away but he'd keep going back, he'd take off my shirt and try to take off my pants, and then when he was happy enough that way he'd take my head and push it and try to force me to give him a blow job. He never managed to get that far, that I somehow was always able to stop, and if I'd yell at him he would be sorry, and he's say he'd stop, and the next time it would happen I would yell at him again and call him a liar, and he would say he cut back, but for a long time I didn't yell I just told him no, a no he never listened to. He and I have been seperated for 4 months, but its only been about a month since we've totally stopped talking, which I guess is for the best, but some part of me doesn't like it, maybe it's because he was my "first love". I guess now I have more of an understanding of why battered women stay in abusive situations, and sometimes, as was the case for me abuse had become a norm in my house so why not also in my relationship? I know that I should probably tell someone, I'm already in counseling because of the stuff with my mom, the court is forcing it on me, but I don't feel comfortable telling people, I don't feel comfortable even admitting it on here where nobody knows me. I have 2 close friends that know, one of which sat on the phone with me last night for an hour at 2am while I cried because someone asked me something that scared me because of what I'd see with my ex. I had trust issues when I entered my relationship with my ex, and they sure haven't gone away I found when I started dating someone else that I couldn't even cuddle and watch a movie without being afraid that everytime they moved they were going to try something, that he would do to me what my ex had done.
Posts: 2 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jul 2005
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