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Author Topic: Dealing with emotions
FadedRoses15
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Ok, I really dont know how to put this so please bear with me. Last september I was raped, around this time. I hadnt told anyone what had happened until last May when I told my best friend, I asked her not to say anything and she didnt. Then over the summer I spent it with my dad, and had been really upset that day, and wrote about what had happened. Which had been the first time I had truly been able to truly admit to myself what had happened. But still I didnt tell anyone. Then 2 weeks into August my father found the diary entry, and called my mom and explained to her. And she asked me and I told her, and she made plans to go up to New Jersey to press charges against the guy. All this was against my will, and I had no say in the matter, which left me feeling more powerless, and out of control then I already have for the past year. Now I am going into counseling, and still feel bad about it. And in a sense Im still upset about being forced to going to press charges....I know that it probably should have been done, but I didnt want to. Its too painful. Does this seem selfish and abnormal to anyone? I dont know...I needed to vent.
Posts: 32 | From: Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Insane
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It's not selfish or abnormal. Many women never report their rapes for the same reason. Every single feeling you are having now is totally normal. Everyone deals with being violated be it by rape or something else, in their own way.

A different perspective might be, that now it is out in the open. Your parents know, and you can talk to them about it, and what you are feeling. Tell your parents what you are feeling about this whole situation being taken out of your hands. Perhaps they have a different view of things that you haven't thought of. And they will get a chance to hear how you are feeling about it all.

Going to councelling is a great idea. The councelling will help. It will help you to deal with all the feelings you are having.

I want you to realize that what happened to you is not your fault. Whenever you need to vent you can always come on here. Alternatively, all major cities have sexual assault/rape crisis lines. Just look in the first few pages of your phone book. They are usually open 24hours/7 days, and always there to lisen.

Take care


Posts: 234 | From: Ottawa, Ont, Canada | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FadedRoses15
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Thank you..I needed to vent, and your input is appreciated.....

Again, Im going to vent, out of need to..

Part of me regrets admitting to my mother what happened. I know I shouldnt feel guilty about telling her, but I do. I feel like I put my sisters into jeopardy because I openend my mouth. Thats one thing that he threatened to do, He told me that he'd kill my sisters in front of me, and then kill me if I told anyone, and didnt follow his directions. Now I regret telling her, because what if, he does get out on bail, find us, and hurt them? Id never forgive myself if they got hrt because I opened my mouth....Im not concerned with my being killed, I really wouldnt care too much, but if they got hurt I'd never forgive myself....It seems irrational, but yet seems so real.....I cant explain it. Irrational, because we moved 1500 miles away from him when they broke up, but he knows where we'd move because this is where we lived before.....I dont know.....

And then part of me feels guilty for everything....Im the one who got him and my mom back together in the first place. They had gone out before, broke up, then become friends, and then we moved and the didnt talk for awhile, and he had gotten angry because she moved and didnt tell him, then she had been upset that he was angry at her, and wouldnt tell her. I in defense of my mom called him, and told him what an idiot he was being and suggested they at least talk. And then the next week they were friends again, and he acompanied us to go see my grandfather in the nursing home, where he thanked me for geting them back together...then he proposed a month later, she accepted and fast forward to Last september...he raped me......I cant quite get over the fact that I got them back together in the first place, I chose to stay home that night, I didnt fight harder.....All these things seem to hit at once.....I dont know....Im sorry to bother anyone...

[This message has been edited by FadedRoses15 (edited 09-18-2004).]


Posts: 32 | From: Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Silver1381
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Hello. First of all, I can assure you that you are not bothering anyone here. Second of all, what this guy did to you is NOT your fault in any way, shape, or form. He is the one in the wrong here, and I hope that the courts punish him accordingly.

As far as being concerned about your and your sisters' safety, is there any way that you can, or have you, filed a restraining order against him? I don't know how that whole process works, but it might be something worth looking in to. Also, if he were to attempt to do something to you or your family/friends, it would by no means be your fault. He is the only one responsible and accountable for his actions, not you or anyone else.

Best wishes to you! You are in my prayers.

[This message has been edited by Silver1381 (edited 09-18-2004).]


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FadedRoses15
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Thank you for listening....and as for the court order, technically I already have a restraining orderagainst him. I have charges against him for aggravated sexual assault, which automatically puts out a restraining order for him, and when he is arrested, which is supposed to be this weekend, I will be notified, as well as notified when/if he gets out on bail, and all that jazz. When/if he does get out on bail though, its kind of sketchy how exactly things fall into place with the restraining order....Im assuming it still works, but Im not sure...And I have to get ahold of the detectives working on the case about that. Which is proving difficult......

And as I said, the fears in a sense are irrational. It seems illogical that he could find us, as the place we lived before we moved in with him was with my moms friend and her family. Who wouldnt let him know where we live, but then again its a small town so if say he ran into someone we know and said something, and they pieced together it was us, he could just as easily figure it out....I dont know if I make any sense.....but thanks for listening....


Posts: 32 | From: Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Silver1381
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Hello again. I can understand why you are a bit fearful of this guy. If I had gone through everything you have, I think I'd be fearful of him too. I hope that you are able to talk to the detectives soon and that the technicalities of the restraining order will be made more clearly to you. Best wishes to you!
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FadedRoses15
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Thank you, I really do appreciate the comments....

------------------
We're all stars now....

Rock is dead....
Long live paper and scissors


Posts: 32 | From: Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I think what might be helpful is to remember that tis man already raped you without you having done anything forwhich rape was threatened as a consequence. Do you follow?

In other words, he's out there, so you and everyone else is already in dnger, whether you reported or not. He already could have harmed your family, because he's shown very clearly he is simply violent. Rapists, aggressively violent people tend not to make or honor "deals." If I'm understanding you, this man was engaged to your mother? If so, it goes without saying that he is even more irrationally violent than your average rapist: keeping or not keeping promises to this person would have been very unlikely to be effective in protecting you and yours.

What you have done by reporting and pressing charges is the opposite of what you feel you have: rather than put everyone else in danger, you've done the only thing possible to protect them AND yourself.


Posts: 68211 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FadedRoses15
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I never really thought of it that way. I never really saw him as an aggressively violent person. Up until the end of the relationship I was the only one he came after, and I felt I deserved it for something. Bbut I guess your right. I mean what could anyone possibly do to deserve that?

Thank you...I never really saw it like that, but I guess it does fit....The reason they broke up is he got controlling towards my mother and tried to throw a fold up table at her. So in all actuality, he was/is a violent person. Thank you for offering another perspective. I never would have thought of it like that.


Posts: 32 | From: Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Nothing. No one could do ANYTHING to deserve rape, ever. Might need to say that to yourself a few more times as need be, or if you're not there yet, start looking into some counseling so you can get there.

Someone who throws tables at someone most certainly IS a violent person: abuse is no place for pacifists or well-adjusted people.

So, sounds like your mother had more than one -- very good -- reason for reporting this guy, in the interest of protecting ALL of you.

You did the right thing, doll. Without question.


Posts: 68211 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FadedRoses15
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Once again thank you for listening, and I know Im not exactly moving on so quick, and Im sorry to those I annoy, but Im just going to vent or something.

I thought I was doing ok. I had gone a few weeks without, really blaming myself for it, or even letting myself dwell on it, but lately everything has come back. All the guilt, and shame, and whatnot has come back this past week and a half. I try not to think about it, but thats almost all I can think about anymore. Its getting hard to ignore and go on.......I go to couneling, but Im not too sure about how I feel about the counselor. All she ever does is ask me what I think will help. I dont know what would help. Thats why Im there....Anywho, the rape has been more than half of whats been on my mind lately. And as I said in my post in the village people, my mind will keep playing the rape scene over and over again, its like a bad movie, and I cant change the channel....

I dont know what the point of this post was, so I thank anyone who even read this. I guess Im just venting, but Im not sure what Im looking for.

Anyway thanks.


Posts: 32 | From: Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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