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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Can anyone help me?

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Author Topic: Can anyone help me?
Member # 17082

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does anyone here believe in friends with benifits? I had sex for the first time and then found out that he had a girlfriend. I am not sure what to think about this. There are a few people that I know who believe in this, (I have no prior experience in this), I mean, I still really like him and now he is single as he broke up with her and moved out. Does anyone have any experience with this? HELP!!!

Dancing - a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

[This message has been edited by honeycombz (edited 03-16-2004).]

Posts: 15 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Many people do believe that the 'friends with benefits' thing can work. But just because it works for some people doesn't mean it'll work for everyone.

Would you be okay with knowing that he's going out with other people ... ? Some people can do this sort of thing, but some can't, and it's generally a good idea to know what you're getting into before you're up to your knees in it.

That all said ... Personally, i think i'd have trouble having any kind of romantic ('friends with benefits' or otherwise) with someone with a history of cheating. Sure, i do'nt know the whole story, and you probably don't either, but that's something you may want to look into. There may not be much one can do to 'cheat' in an open ('friends with benefits') relationship, but it's sure as heck dishonest. And i don't like dishonesty. It doesn't have a place in any relationship, as far as i'm concerned.

[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 03-16-2004).]

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Well, it depends what you mean by "believe in".

"Friends with benefits" relationships can work out very well for some people, but they often don't work out at all for others.

First of all, people often forget that the phrase does include the word "friends" (it's not "casual acquaintances with benefits").

Genuine friends don't hurt each other, lie or mess each other around. If you can't trust someone and don't feel comfortable or safe with them, that person is not a friend.

In this case, if this guy was having a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend, then he's been lying to her - not to mention lying to you if he didn't tell you at the time that he had a girlfriend. That sets some major warning bells ringing in my mind.

I still really like him

Secondly, it's a really bad idea to agree to a casual, no-strings "friends with benefits" sexual relationship when it's not actually what you want.

I've seen a bunch of people on the boards who agree to a "friends with benefits" relationship while secretly hoping it'll turn into a big romance, then get terribly disappointed when it doesn't.

Often, it seems to boil down to one person not feeling confident enough to say that they want a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, but instead agreeing to someone else's requests and providing no-strings sex while not really feeling happy about the situation. That doesn't make for a happy or healthy relationship.

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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