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Author Topic: jus need to let it all out
sweettweet22
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well...I really jus need to let this all out, and hopefully get any "support"- things have been extremely hard on me lately...I can't even remember where it all started, but maybe it's because this will be the second Christmas without my uncle (he's in jail), then evrything jus started piling on top of each other.I used to be able to talk to my best friend about EVERYTHING, but ever since she got a new boyrfriend, and a new (I guess you can say best friend), it's like I no longer exsist. so I turned to writing in my journal but that only helps for a lil bit of time- I'm afraid to tell my sister (oldest one) because she will tell my mother, and everything will jus get even more complicated- so I turned back to cutting (I had stopped for bout a year, but I'm starting all over again)and I smoke evry once in a while...my boyfriend is hitting me, because I feel as though I am not ready for sex (and of course he doesn't understand that)- I would do it with him, but I made a promise with my sister that I had to be completely ready...but I know I'm not- and he doesn't seem to understand...so whenever he asks and I say no, he jus hits me over and over- I tried to hit him back several times, but he jus hits me harder- I jus don't know what to do any more- I tried to kill myself, but I guess someone "up there" wants me to live...because I pulled the trigger of my brother's gun, but there were no bullets (now talk bout scary!)- sorry if this is really long, I jus really needed to let all of my feelings out where it is "safe" and that I could possibly get some help- is anyone going through what I'm going through? or has anyone already gone through what I have gone through? HELP (I think I'm goin crazy)
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logic_grrl
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quote:
so whenever he asks and I say no, he jus hits me over and over- I tried to hit him back several times, but he jus hits me harder

OK, you need to get away from this guy NOW. This is very serious abuse, and it's likely to get worse.

Please consider telling your mom or sister or friend or someone else you trust. He's committing a serious crime here, so you could also report him to the police if you feel up to it.

But the top priority is keeping yourself safe by getting out of this relationship.

You may find this article helpful:

Advice from an Abuse Survivor


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sweettweet22
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that article was a lil helpful, but I KNOW that I don't have the guts/nerve to call the cops or tell my sister (who will eventually call the cops)- I know I should've broke it up when it first started, but I jus couldn't because I really THOUGHT he loved me (he would say it over and over, and I jus felt that we were ment for each other)- but I was wrong again- I try to talk to him, but he jus tells me that he needs some time alone, then jus starts back again- I want to call the cops, but I am AFRAID- I know that I deserve this (I jus can't see the reason now)- he always said he would never hurt me for no reason...so there must be a reason (I jus can't see it now)- but at least I know that I'm not the only one that has a bf beating them up (that helps a lil bit more also)- I dunno...I'm jus really c onfused in my life right now, everything jus seems like a big mess that I can't get out of- I don't know what else to do...cutting jus helps me temporarily...I need something that will help me for a LONG time (this site is a lot of help believeit or not)
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froggy_dear
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Hun, I'm with everyone else here. This guy is a danger to you. He shouldn't be hitting you. There is no reason, absolutely NO reason, why you would ever deserve to get hit by someone who is supposed to love you. And I know it's hard, so hard to get out of that sort of situation, but you should.

Please talk to your sister, and I know you're afraid, but the police are there to help.

You need to keep yourself safe, and if you're getting hit over and over again, I don't think you're safe right now.

I don't mean to sound judgemental or anything, but your situation is all too familiar.


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KittenGoddess
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quote:
Originally posted by sweettweet22:
I know that I deserve this (I jus can't see the reason now)- he always said he would never hurt me for no reason...so there must be a reason (I jus can't see it now)

No. You do not deserve to be hit. Ever.

Nobody deserves to be abused. No question, nobody deserves that at all for any reason.

If he's abusing you, then it's not because of anything YOU have done (or not done) to deserve it...it's because he is an abusive jerk. This is so NOT your fault, and you do NOT deserve this. Sweetie, somebody who loves you would not hit you for any reason at all...you had done something to deserve it or not. They wouldn't hit you. So this qualification he made about not ever hurting you "for no reason" is a load of crap. There should never ever be a reason for someone to hit you...if you crashed his brand new car, forgot to turn the stove off and let the house burn down, and lost his favorite dog all in one day, he still shouldn't be hitting you. People sometimes get angry or upset at each other, but that's not a reason to abuse someone.

Do you see what I'm saying here? You don't deserve to be hit. Period. Your boyfriend is a jerk for hitting you and you need to get out NOW before it gets any worse. And getting out is the ONLY think to do, because you cannot fix him. You need to save yourself. You need to tell your sister. Or call the police or seek out a local women's shelter where you can get some help. It's ok to be afraid, but you cannot let your fear paralyze you. Please sweetie, tell someone, get yourself the help you need to make this stop.

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Sarah Liz
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sweettweet22
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okay...Kitten...I think u are right...I can't let my fears make me keep gettin hit/ "paralyze me"- I still feel as though I deserve to be hit, but like u and evryone else said, I HAVE TO GET MYSELF OUT! it's not gonna be easy, but I am going to talk to my sister bout it tonight and w/e happens happens- but should I say somethin to my bf or should I continue to try and ignore him?- I was jus wondering, do any of u think that this is wats causing my "depression" or is it still "unclear" or wait...am I even depressed or am I jus straight up crazy?- thank you to everyone who has helped me build up the nerve/courage/guts to even think bout telling my sister- it's gonna be scary and hard, but I'ma do it...because I can't take it any more...those punches hurt
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KittenGoddess
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Definately talk to your sister so that she can help you get out. If he's been hitting you, then I would definately advise just avoiding him for now. If you confront him about the abuse, you risk him harming you further. Talk to your sister...hopefully she can help you get further help. Your safety is the paramount concern here. Talk to your sister and get help to stop the abuse from wherever necessary. And yes, this will probably involve going to the police and/or telling another adult. But really hon, like Danny said, they are just regular people like anyone else. And their prime concern here is also going to be to help you make the abuse stop and to protect you from this guy. Think of it kinda like you're getting a few 'knights in shining armor,' if that helps.

The abuse could definately be the cause of the emotional problems you're having right now. Being abused both mentally and physically can definately do that to a person. By being brave and telling somebody about this, not only will you be able to get help getting away from your partner, but you'll also be able to get help to heal from all this. You don't have to hold this all inside...there will be people who will listen and help you. All you've gotta do is thake that first step of telling somebody...you've got to help them help you.

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Sarah Liz
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sweettweet22
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good news and bad news...well me and my sister spent HOURS talkin to each other last night- she started crying and so on and so on- then she was like she could go talk to 'his' (I can't say name's right?) mother and I was like NOOOOO and she goes she can tell my mom and I was like DEFINETLY NOT...and she was like she can go to the cops or she can try to get a restraining order or somethin (but I don't see how that's gonna work) and I told her that I was so confused (which I still am), and I begged her not to do anything jus yet (becaus I wanted to ask you guys/ this support group for your advice) and she agreed to give me two days- but there's jus one problem, I was supposed to go to the movies with 'him' and I'm afraid to cancel or not show up, because I'm scared he will hit be and he will be EXTREMELY UPSET!- (I didn't tell my sister that...which is a bad thing I assume)- well thank you guys soooooo much for all the advice that you have given me- if it weren't for you/ this suport group), I would have never built up the courgage to tell my sister- this support group is really a big support- thanks again- even though I still cut myself to deal with evrything that's happening, this group has helped me tremendously (believe it or not)
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sweettweet22
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well...I didn't get a response in time- but I guess there's nothin I can do about that (and it's not a problem!)- well me and my stupid self decided to go to the movies with 'him' and when he came to pick me up, everything SEEMED normal...he was all over me, and was in such a great mood- then when we actually got into the movies...he was askin how come I didn't call him, and I told him that I had been busy (my heart was POUNDING when I said that)- and he was like oh I see how it is, you don't have enought time for me any more...and I was like it's not like that I jus haven't been myself lately ( I was too afraid to tell him that I was scared to call him and tell him that I HATE him hittin me) then the movie started...and we was all cuddled up (but I jus had a feeling, that it was jus too good to be true...but I jus went with the flow)- all of a sudden, he started feelin up on me (I think evryone knows what I mean)- I REALY wasn't in the mood (being depressed n all- I jus wasn't in that type of mood) and I was soooooo scared to tell him to stop...so I jus let him keep going- then he was going further...and I really felt uncomfortable...so I told him..."ey...sorry, but I'm not really in the mood to do this now can u please stop?"- and he was like I thought u loved me- and I said I DID but I'm jus not in the mood...then he was like w/e...then pushed my head (I don't know how else to describe that)...and i was like what was that for...and he was like for being immature...and I was like well can we talk bout this outside and he was like when the movie is over...and so I waited- FINALLY it was over, and on our way home (I was terrified that he was gonna get into an accident on purpose but thank God he didnt) I explained to him that I hated when he kept on hitting me for the lil things that I do wrong, and that I'm not always in the mood for being sexual (if ou know what I mean) and he didn't really understand (as usual) and he was jus focused on himself- he was telling me that all he wanted was sex and I (repeat... I) jus made a big deal out of it...and I was too much of a coward to say ne thing about it...so I jus let it go and was like u right...I shoud've jus done it right?...and he was like now u talkin- and he was like so u wanna do it tonght?...and all of a sudden, I jus burst into tears (omg...I jus couldn't stop cryin- till now, tears are commin out my eyes)- then he slapped me across my face and told me to stop being a baby so I jus sucked it all up...and ran into my house...and he said "I lvoe you baby, y won't u understand?- I'll call you tonight) I jus ran to my room and cried "a river" and sliced my wrist with a razor bout 3 times in the same spot- now I jus don't know what to do ne more- he say's he loves me, and all he wanted was sex...I shouldve jus did it with him- then maybe I wouldnt have been in this situation- PLEASE..HELP!!!!!!!! I want to tell my sister, but she's at work now...and I don't know who else to talk to- hopefully someone is here
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Milke
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We can't help you. There is nothing any of us can do from where we are but give our best advice, and we've done it, but without your effort, nothing's going to be accomplished that way. But you have access to all sorts of resources; local hospitals, your city's PD, your sister, your parents, women's shelters, family services, all you have to do is pick up your phone and call them, or directly ask someone in your family for help. That first step isn't easy of course, but I know you're strong enough to take it, so don't keep waiting and worrying when you can help yourself right now.

------------------
Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

. . .Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach


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sweettweet22
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you are absolutely right, but I jus came here to get support...sorry for asking for too much- maybe this isn't the right place to jus express how I feel- I'll jus stick to my journal...but thankz again to everyone that has helped me
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-Jill
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No hon, this is the right place to express yourself but like Milke said, there's only so much we can do from a keyboard. You're the one who has to take action.

I have yet to read anything about this guy that implies he loves you. Yes, he says the words, but people who love you don't simply want sex from you and nothing more. And they certainly don't hit you should you want something else. Or hit you ever.

For your own safety, get away from him. Now. Not in two days, not in the morning, NOW. Call the police (I don't think I understand why you're so reluctant to do so. You've done nothing wrong; you can't get into any sort of trouble but you can get help.) and give them the details. Your partner does not derserve the opportunity to continue treating you this way or to move on to treat someone else so terribly.

If nothing else, stop contacting him. Do not see him in person, do not call him, do not email him. Honestly, I wouldn't give him any explanation, or contact him again in any way. If he can't figure out why you're ending the relationship that is not your problem.

I realize this is very difficult but getting away from this person is something you need to do. You do not derserve to be treated like this. If you have any doubt that you are being mistreated go back and read your posts. And ACT. Do whatever it takes to get yourself out of this situation.


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sweettweet22
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okay, I understand- I never told my sister yet about the movies last night, but I think I am going to today- and the reason I feel as though I deserved to be hit, is because if I had jus agreed to "it", then that would've been it right?- well...thanks again and I will tell my sister, and she'll decide what to do (to go to the cops or w/e)
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logic_grrl
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quote:
if I had jus agreed to "it", then that would've been it right?-

No, it wouldn't. Abusers don't stop being violent just because they've got what they want this time; if anything, he might even have become more violent as he figured that hitting you was a "successful" way of getting what he wants.

And for the record, hitting someone until they agree to have sex to stop the abuse would count as rape.

So please don't blame yourself or feel responsible for his behaviour.

And whatever you do, don't get into a situation where you are alone with this guy ever again. Don't contact him. If he tries contacting you or tries to see you, you can threaten to call the police.


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foreverlovin
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hey sweettweet,
I really wish we could talk. I also live in florida. I was trying to figure out on the site how i could get your email but i couldn't figure it out. My email is [edited, no e-mail addresses allowed] so please email me your screen name or email address. I hope to hear from you soon. jessica

[This message has been edited by PoetgirlNY (edited 12-21-2003).]


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foreverlovin
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hey sweettweet,
I really wish we could talk. I also live in florida. I was trying to figure out on the site how i could get your email but i couldn't figure it out. My email is --edited-- so please email me your screen name or email address. I hope to hear from you soon. jessica

Posting email address is not allowed. Please review the guidelines before you continue posting here

[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 12-21-2003).]

[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 12-21-2003).]


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sweettweet22
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y would u wanna talk to me? so you can jus tell me how I should jus go and talk to the cops about this? well I've already heard it all (if u didn't already see)-I hope I don't sound rude, but I jus wanted to know y someone would want to talk to me?!
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foreverlovin
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maybe because i have a lot of problems too and wanted to make a new friend who we could help each other. i read your whole thing and like i wouldn't sit there and tell u wut to do.. just confort you. im sorry i bothered u so much. if you wana email me .. i would really like to talk to u .. jessica .. where in florida do you live? im in boca raton. have u ever heard of it? hopefully u live close by .. but even if you don't we can still talk.
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logic_grrl
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foreverlovin, I understand that you want to help, but it's against the guidelines for people to post any contact details here - whether that's their e-mail address, phone number, where they live, or whatever. And that's to protect your safety.

Posting your details on a public bulletin board like this mean that anyone who sees the board can read them and try to contact you, maybe pretending to be someone they're not.


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sweettweet22
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well thank you agian to everyone for their advice--- I haven't talked to my sister yet about the movies (but I will today)- I jus have one thing to ask- if I jus have sex with him, won't it all be over? I'm jus confused as to why it won't be...I mean that's all he wants, so if I jus do it, then it will all be over
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logic_grrl
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No, it won't "all be over".

Because he'll start hitting you again the next time he wants sex, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time. Or anytime he wants anything from you. And he'll keep on doing what he's already doing, namely hitting you whenever he's "upset" about anything - which seems to be most of the time.

He's not hitting you just because he "wants sex". Plenty of people want sex and don't go round beating up their partners!

He's hitting you because he's an abusive jerk, and people like that will grab hold of any excuse to abuse their partner.

Even if you became his slave and allowed him to force sex on you whenever he wanted, that wouldn't stop him from being abusive - he'd just find an new excuse.

It's easy to convince yourself that if you just pleased him enough and did what he wanted, it'd all be fine - but it won't be.

And abuse tends to get worse over time, so it's possible that he'd get more and more violent. I'm not trying to freak you out, but this is why so many abused women end up hospitalized - or dead.

Most importantly, you have rights. You don't have to submit to forced sex in order to avoid being beaten. No human being deserves that.

And you have a choice. You can get help and get out of this situation, and have a decent life with no-one hitting you and no-one trying to force you into sex you don't want.


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sweettweet22
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thank you, that made it a lil more clearer as to why jus obeying him woudn't stop the "abuse"- I don't know why he say's he love me, but then he continues to hit me- I mean...I though someday (when I KNEW that I was ready), I would've had "it" with him, but he jus couldn't wait- I want to help him with his anger, but I jus don't know how to- I'm afraid to get close to him...I don't really know why I said that, but I jus had to get that off my chest- thankz again to evryone who has taken the time to read about my useless life and it's problems
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logic_grrl
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quote:
I don't know why he say's he love me, but then he continues to hit me

Well, that's pretty classic behaviour from abusive guys.

Saying you love someone doesn't mean a thing if you abuse them.

quote:
I want to help him with his anger, but I jus don't know how to

You can't rescue him from his own behaviour, and it's not up to you anyway.

Abusive people can only change if they genuinely recognize that what they're doing is wrong. And he's the only person who can do that.

Try thinking of it this way: by letting him "get away" with abusing you, you're actually preventing him from learning that his actions have consequences and that it's wrong to treat people like this.

quote:
I'm afraid to get close to him

Given that he's hitting you and trying to force you into sex, "not wanting to get close to him" sounds pretty reasonable under the circumstances, right?

You're not "useless", and you deserve far better than this.


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sweettweet22
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I guess I understand what you are saying about how I can't help him he has to help himself, and he needs to face the consequences- it's jus so hard not to help him...but that's life I guess-- and I know u said I'm not useless, but I feel as if I am- I mean all I do is creat a burden on people, and ruin peoples lives (which I'm about to do to my "boyfriend")- I don't do anything to help others, so basically I am useless, but thanks for the advice...I will use it (I won't help him...I"ll jus let him face the consequences)
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logic_grrl
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quote:
it's jus so hard not to help him..

Look - he's beating you up. He is not a victim, and he is not one of the good guys, okay?

You are the one who deserves help and support - not him.

quote:
ruin peoples lives (which I'm about to do to my "boyfriend")

Nope, you're not going to "ruin his life". You leaving him will not ruin his life. If he goes to prison, that won't "ruin his life".

If his life gets "ruined", it'll be the result of his choices and his actions, not anything you do.

quote:
I don't do anything to help others, so basically I am useless

Before you can help anyone else, you have to be able to help yourself.

And you have value because you're a human being - you don't have to be saving the world single-handedly in order to have rights.

When you've got yourself out of this situation and have the help and support you need, that's the time when you can turn round and start thinking about how you can help other people.


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sweettweet22
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I can;t help myself- the only thing I can do to help myself and evryone else around me, is to jus kill myself- but the last time I tried that, I had a scare of a lifetime- I jus feel useless and hopeless and I feel inhuman (if that makes sense)- I dunno- expressing myself on this site, relieves some of the pain I have built up inside...but some of the things, I can't put them into words- I don't know how to
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logic_grrl
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You've already begun to help yourself by telling your sister what's going on. And together, the two of you can get you out of this situation. You can do it.

Feeling useless and hopeless (and "inhuman", and yes, I know exactly what you mean by that) is a very common part of being depressed.

And abuse very often makes people depressed and convinced that they don't deserve any better.

But that doesn't mean that you really are "useless" or that you deserve what's happening to you; it just means you're in a lot of pain. It's the depression talking.

And hey, I just noticed, you're already helping other people out ( http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum9/HTML/000689.html )! Not "useless" at all, I'd say!

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 12-22-2003).]


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sweettweet22
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I don't really consider that helping someone, because I was jus speaking from my own experience- *sighs*...I jus don't know the point in living any more...I mean wat else do I have going for me? all I see in my future is misery, more main and more depression- and y should I live for that? I'm too afraid to go out with anyone else, because I feel as though they are jus going to hit me also, or pressure me into doing things that I know in my heart I'm not ready for- sorry for jus changing the topic, but I had to let that out- but at least someone knows what I"m going through (or at least understands what I'm trying to say)<_ logic... thanks again
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logic_grrl
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quote:
I don't really consider that helping someone, because I was jus speaking from my own experience- *sighs*

Actually, speaking from your own experience is often the most helpful thing you can do for someone.

That's what helping is often about - someone who's been through something painful turning round and helping other people.

quote:
ll I see in my future is misery, more main and more depression- and y should I live for that?

You're imagining your future in terms of the depression and suffering you're experiencing right now, and it doesn't have to be like that.

Begin by getting this guy out of your life, and then see how things look once you're not being beaten up regularly - I think they'll start to look pretty different.

quote:
I'm too afraid to go out with anyone else,

That's pretty understandable and pretty normal for someone who's survived domestic violence.

When you've got away from this guy, it may well be a while before you feel confident enough to begin another relationship. And it's fine to give yourself a break until you feel ready.

But there are plenty of guys out there who would never dream of abusing or pressuring a girl.


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wobblyheadedjane
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leetle, just so there's no confusion, your post was deleted for being more harmful than helpful; though I realize that your intentions were good, it came off as abrasive. You're welcome to rewrite your advice more gently, if you wish.
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sweettweet22
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logic...thank you sooooooooo much, for all of your advice, and thank you to evryone else- it was helful (I ended up tellin my sister bout the movies) she was mad, but she said she was first going to talk to the cops...but because of the holiday season, she is going to do that on Monday- but til then, I can't talk/write/see/hear from/of him...well I guess evrything happens for a reason but I still don't see the reason in this...but this support group has really been a support- thanks again- oh...wobbly... were u talkin bout me? if yes, I don't understand how it was harmful?!but okay
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wobblyheadedjane
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sweettweet, no, I was speaking to another poster who had commented here, not you. Congratulations on talking to your sister; that took some guts but making the first step is the hardest. Hang in there kiddo!
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logic_grrl
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Good for you for telling your sister about what happened at the movies!

quote:
but til then, I can't talk/write/see/hear from/of him...

That sounds like a very sensible precaution anyway. You do not want to contact this guy, go near him, or be alone with him ever - it's just not safe.

It may be enough to break up with him and tell him that you don't want to see him again.

But he may not be willing to leave you alone. In that case, you could tell him that you'll call the police if he tries to contact you or come near you.

If he's threatening or harassing you, you may be able to get a restraining order that bans him from coming near you.

If he goes to the same school as you, you may need to talk to the staff so that they can ensure you are safe at school.

I did a quick search and found the Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They have a hotline at 1-800-500-1119 which you can ring for advice (you could ask your sister to ring for you if you don't feel up to it yourself). They also have a legal advice service and a directory of centres in Florida which can provide support and counselling.

quote:
I guess evrything happens for a reason but I still don't see the reason in this

The thing is, sometimes really bad things happen to people who don't deserve them in any way. There aren't always "reasons" of that sort in life.

Hang in there, and keep talking to your sister .


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pyro_angel
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wow...i just read all of that, and i just want to say merry xmas to everyone, both the girl and all the people who have helped her. i hope you can all see that you have made a difference in someone's life
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sweettweet22
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logic...I can't thank you enough for all of the GREAT advice that u have given me- I don't have the guts to call him and break up...so I'll leave that to my sister (as usual)- also, I wrote down all that info for my sister...but I didn't give it to her yet (I will)- it's still hard for me to get over the fact that it's going to be over 'tween me and 'him', but I guess that's jus life huh?- I'm still a lil depressed (I think)- do you think I'm going to be like this for a while?- I mean I keep thinkin bout different ways to u know...kill myself, and I have the plans, but somethin inside is telling me that it's not time yet- also, I keep cuttin myself...but that's a different story I guess...I jus feel that I'm missing somethin in me (I don't really know what it is)- it's like a pool without the water (does that make sense?!)- well I dunno, I guess it's another obstacle that I have to overcome~ pyro...my xmas was okay I guess...a lil hectic, depressing, but I guess that's life- and yes they did help me...A LOT (I would've never thought about telling my sister if it weren't for the help of all of these ppl)...well thankz again to everyone- and have a great vacation- oh...logic...my sister said that she was going to my scool to report this (but I'm so scared)...I dunno...w/e happens happens...jus gotta take it one day at a time
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