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Author Topic: I just neded to say something
Kouran
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Member # 13106

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For the past year I've been going through depression. I've gone throug ha cycle of cutting, eating disorders, and trying to push it away. I've never told this whole thing, so I'm a bit uncomfotable with it. I just can't tell my friends because they worry about me too much, and they have their own problems(trust me, I know, I'm their confidant). Last year I started trying to help my friends out, but things started getting so difficult that I had started to become depressed. I had considered cutting but I, luckily, had been able to keep a strong will and not do it. I had told my mom and after that I though I was fine. Then, during that summer my friend had started to cut. I started to fall back down into depression, but I continued to be there for her. I delt with it for 5 months before i finally completely cracked. I had started to cut, or attempted, I just hadn't been able to find the proper weapon(later I did however find a razor blade). Then I started to lose weight abnormaly quickly, I was barely able to eat, it just wasn't natural for me. Finally, when I told my friend she said she though I was probably anorexic. I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. Soon, instead of trying to push it away I started to have an obsession with it. I wouldn't eat, but no one had thought much of it. Only my one friend who had been cutting knew about my issues. We tried to get through stuff together but then she started acting different. I was worried so I kinda hacked into her online journal. I found there that she was sick of me and that caused everything to get worse. I started cutting more then before, I barely talked to anyone, and it triggered my bulimia. I didn't tell her until way later I had read her journal. Over Christmas break things continued to get worse. Probably the worst with cutting I ever did was on the morning of Christmas eve. I woke up and as always was listening to depressing music. Something inside me then just snapped and I grabbed my razor. I started slashing up my legs and arms and chest(though I didn't cut my wrists, I'm glad to say I never have). I still have a scar on my leg from that that looks brand new. A few months later my cutting friend became anorexic and bulimic. After about a month she had made a deal with me, she would stop her eating disorder if I would stop cutting. I agreed and for awhile was doing pretty good, I had even managed to stop my eating disorder. Then, about a month later everything started to get bad again. I started cutting once more. Sometimes I couldn't even feel the cuts. I would curl up in bed at night or in the shower and mutter things to myself about being afraid. I had NEVER done that before, I had always been able to keep my emotions in check and act brave. While that was going on, I still hadn't cried in about a year. My six closest friends all know about this and all have different views on it. Two of them prefer not to talk about it so I make sure to act happy as I can around them. My one male friend who can deal with it didn't exactly get what was with it. He thought it was all stupid. I explained to him every feeling I had that made me do it. What I was trying to accomplish. It scared him to death, but he finally gets it and now knows when I'm depressed. He's there for me whenever he can be. My three female friends all try to help as much as they can just by letting me talk to them, but there's still a lot none of them don't know, I just don't want them to worry so much.
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As I said before, I go through a cycle of cutting, eating disorders, and then trying to push my depression away. A few weeks to a month ago Iwas trying to push it all away. Then I started cutting, but now I'm so exauhsted that I don't even have the energy the pick up a razor blade and make one mark. Now I'm in my eating disorder stage. I can't escape that. My body suddenly stops letting me eat and if I even try I get extreamly sick. I used to be pretty good when it came to fighting, but now I'm so weak that if i barely get tapped it leaves a bruse and it hurts. Also, if things get bad enough I start to shake and I can't control what I do. I'll throw up, refuse to eat, and cut until I'm so exauhsted to where I can't even keep my eyes open. I'm not exactly looking for any advice because I've tried everything I can think of, I just needed to say what has been happening to me. I've never told my whole story, and that truthfully isn't it either, but it is more then I ever have told.

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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Member # 2050

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Hon, you really really need to seek help immediately regarding your mental state of health as well as your physical state of health.

Feeling this weak all the time and bruising easily aren't very good signs and I seriously think you need to get a thorough body check up by your medical practicioner. Please speak to a family member about this and get yourself an appointment for a physical.

I know how it is to feel like you don't want to be a burden to people by telling them your problems and instead you listen to and absorb all their problems. I am the same and sometimes it all just gets much too overwhelming because we actually feel for our friends and are upset when they are upset.

I think in regards to this, sometimes you just have to take a step back from all the mini dramas happening in your friends' lives and realise that you are not responsible for what happens to them. Be supportive but when it comes to a point whereby you feel like you are burning out and cannot deal, it is time to let them know that as much as you love them and care for them, you need your own space as well. How can you be there for your friends if you cannot even take good care of yourself hon?

If they are truly your friends and care for you, they will understand and give you the space you need.

I think what you need to realise hon is that the strongest thing you can do right now is to ask for help. Being strong is not about not crying and keeping all your emotions in check. It is about being able to admit you have a problem and actively seeking a solution.

Is there someone you could talk to? A family member, family friend, school counsellor? I think you really need to let all this out of your system before you can start healing.

Also, your close friends or even best friends are really people like you and me. They have their own dramas, their own ways of thinking and while they might offer support, they cannot give you the kind of professional advice you really need right now. It is possible they are unable to understand or comprehend what you are doing and saying and thus you end up hurt by their words.

It probably isn't their fault but as I said, friends are wonderful people but at this point in time hon, I think you need someone who can really offer you some professional advice and guidance.

So please go speak to someone about all this asap and let us know how things work out.

You might also like to check out the following threads to know that you are not alone in this and as many posters have proven, you can beat this and come out a stronger person.

Sending tons of positive energy your way.

Eating Disorders

Cutiing/Self Mutilation

SI Discussion

Depression Sufferes


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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