Ok, well..My dad and I used to get into fights while I was in middle school(I am in high school now-3 years later). We fought verbally and he hit me. The only physical evidence I have or ever had of that still is a scar on my arm, but it still hurts me mentally. When this happened, my dad and I were mostly always the only ones home, only once was my two sisters home, but Iím not sure what they thought about what had happened).I am the only one he hit. After I got so mad one day when he was hitting me, I managed to run and lock myself in the bathroom and yelled that I wanted to kill myself. After this happened, he called my mom and they brought me to a phsychologist/therapist person. I went to that person for a little while, but I never really talked much about the things that hurt me, so eventually she said I didnít need to see her anymore. Now, farther away from the time when this happened between me and my dad I realize much more than I did then.
Now, I have tried to forgive him in my heart, but I just canít. I feel soo uncomfortable around him. I feel uncomfortable being around him without a few layers of clothes on(although he never raped me). Iím not afraid of him, and I never was, I was just angry more than anything. I donít want to bring it up to my family because we stopped talking about it a while ago. Everyone in my family feels bad for dad and loves him, but I just canít. I am still kind of angry, I try to be nice to him, but sometimes I feel bad because I feel like its my fault for not being a perfect daughter..I donít know why I am writing this exactly, I just need to get it out I guess..I just donít knowÖ.
It can be very difficult to have any sort of abusive family history and get past it in any constructive way without confronting it directly, with that person or people. Forgetting doesn't work and isn't healthy, and pretending it didn't happen, or acting as such isn't good for anyone either. Especially you.
That isn't to say you need to do that right now: I know in my own family, it took me a good five or six years after leaving home to get away from it to even really begin to do that, and, gosh -- over 15 years later, we're STILL working on that. At this point, things are a whole lot better and I have long since found forgiveness and compassion , but that forgiveness came from talking and feeling both heard and understood and hearing and understanding myself, as well as a good lot of therapy in between for myself and my family members. And plain old time and getting older myself. And a lot of yuckiness over may years in there -- some of absolute silence, some of anger, some of tears, some of loving that was very hard to give. But the point is, it can happen, but it does tend to take some time and work from all sides.
Expecting to be there so early is likely expecting too much of yourself.
So, give yourself the time you need. And if you never really gave much of yourself in therapy then, I'd suggest you consider starting again sometime and really being all in it. Write letters to your Dad -- you don't even have to send them, just write what you'd say and start to get some of this out of your head so you can someday get to talking to him about it, if you do want to get to a place of forgiveness and have a relationship again. Consider talking to other members of your family about it: because everyone stopped talking doesn't mean it's okay or that they should stop talking. Make baby steps.
But know that it isn't your fault, and knnow that there is no good sense in trying to rush any of this. The thing about families is that you really do have your life to work things through.
i have a scar which shows up in the sun from my dad's fingernail from 4 years ago across my cheek. he was very sorry afterwards, and i forgive him, but i know its hard when the memories are still there. *hugs*
Posts: 68 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2003
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