If people had sex with you without your consent, you WERE raped. That is what rape is, love.
Thing is, you can't start over, because that's something traumatic that happened to you and is, in a sense, still happening because you haven't resolved it or worked towards that. It's clearly not all blown over, because here you are feeling this way.
Some ways you might do that include:
- Filing a report. Yes, it's been a long time, so people actually being prosecuted is unlikely (but not impossible). However, there would be a report should they ever do this again, and making a report would allow you to gett it out there and acknowledge it as a very real event, and would help get you in touch with some rape support services it sounds to me like you very much need.
- Stop hanging out with people who raped you or enabled others to assault you. That one, in my mind, is non-negotiable, because doing such is one of the most damaaging things you can do to yourself, period. Think about it this way: would you still associate with someone who did this to your mother? Could you be friendly to them? To your best friend? To a group of peopple who beat you up physically? It's the same sort of scenario, save that this is nearly worse, as these people have likely never come to you to talk about what they did, apologize (hollow as that would be) or make any sort of amends.
- Get some rape counseling or support. ASAP. You need it. I can't emphasize that enough. Rape doesn't go away on it's own, nor do the emotional aftershocks and long-term effects it leaves. You need help dealing with those to move past a rape and process it.
And if nothing else, or until you can do the above things, sit down, by yourself, and acknoledge this happened to you. If you can't honor your own pain and trauma, no one else can or will. YOU need to be able to sit down and say, "I was raped." Clearly, and understand what it means to you. It's painful as heck, but it's also incredibly cathartic. Start with you: eventually, you'll be your best ally and your best support system, but you can't wish that so or try and erase something you're carrying with you that's caused you a lot of pain. Realize that in trying to keep people who hurt you out of ttrouble, what you did -- and continue to do -- is let them cause you MORE pain, and cause yourself more pain, which you do not need. There is no sense in protecting people who refuse to do so for others -- that only allows them to do it again or pretend themselves, and they need to face up to it as much as you do.
Trying to do that, sweetheart, is like trying to erase yourself: it's like not only being attacked and raped by others, but doing it again and again to yourself. YOU need to make you what's important.
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen
My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson