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Author Topic: Insanity
ningrrl
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Member # 685

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I have a story. It may be a bit long, but it's my problem. I don't expect any advice that will be life changing, I just want to share it and if anyone can relate or give me their thoughts, I'd love it.

When I was a wee child, certain things bothered me.. we won't really go into it deep, but it was mostly religion and sex. I had to go to numerous counselors. I would worry about things and feel as if I *had* to tell my mom everything. It was complete hell. Well, eventually it faded away.. It was great.. a couple years or so later, I got together with my current boyfriend. We grew close, and I told him about my childhood.. but then an odd thing happened.. It was like, all my worries and certain things that would bother me came back.. I felt like I had to tell Luke (My boyfriend) everything (versus my mom) *weird*.. It's still like this. It has kind of faded in and out.. Things bother me now. Again. Religion, sex, certain things that I think... I feel guilty if I talk to other guys or like, (how can I put this...) somehow touch them, even if we're being stupid. (like punching each other or doing a handshake or something) Or if we talk about sex.. And I always feel/felt I have to tell Luke when I do stuff like this. It's so frustrating. I worry about so much. Just little other things. It seems like it's gotten better. I don't know. But sometimes I feel as if I'm driving myself to the edge. Now, I am doubting and wondering whether or not I really want to be with Luke.. It's the most horrible feeling in the world, because I know I do. I just want to stop having that dreaded feeling. It's like I make myself think things. Sometimes, if I don't feel satisfied or something.. it's like I have to keep doing things. My mind controls me. One thing though.. (and please don't give me biased opinions on this.) since July I've been smoking marijuana on pretty much a weekly basis. I don't know if that's somehow making me worse or not, but I think I'll stop. I don't know if I have a touch of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or another anxiety disorder or what.

Post your thoughts. *sigh*

------------------
I know the pieces fit because I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering; fundamental differing.


Posts: 124 | From: Lucasville, OH, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
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Member # 5460

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Ningrrl, I think what you're experiencing is pretty common among abuse survivors. I've gone through periods where I thought I was a lot better, and then all of a sudden things came flooding back and I had to deal with it all over again. Have you considered seeing a therapist again? It might be helpful.

Also, yes, you're probably right that the marijuana is making you worse. I've been around it enough to know that it does tend to make paranoia and such a lot worse.

Good luck, hon, and I hope you start feeling better soon.

Kyth


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ningrrl
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Member # 685

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I'm not an abuse survivor. I'm simply this way.

------------------
I know the pieces fit because I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering; fundamental differing.


Posts: 124 | From: Lucasville, OH, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Only In Dreams
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Member # 3661

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quote:
Originally posted by ningrrl:
I have a story. It may be a bit long, but it's my problem. I don't expect any advice that will be life changing, I just want to share it and if anyone can relate or give me their thoughts, I'd love it.

When I was a wee child, certain things bothered me.. we won't really go into it deep, but it was mostly religion and sex. I had to go to numerous counselors. I would worry about things and feel as if I *had* to tell my mom everything. It was complete hell. Well, eventually it faded away.. It was great.. a couple years or so later, I got together with my current boyfriend. We grew close, and I told him about my childhood.. but then an odd thing happened.. It was like, all my worries and certain things that would bother me came back.. I felt like I had to tell Luke (My boyfriend) everything (versus my mom) *weird*.. It's still like this. It has kind of faded in and out.. Things bother me now. Again. Religion, sex, certain things that I think... I feel guilty if I talk to other guys or like, (how can I put this...) somehow touch them, even if we're being stupid. (like punching each other or doing a handshake or something) Or if we talk about sex.. And I always feel/felt I have to tell Luke when I do stuff like this. It's so frustrating. I worry about so much. Just little other things. It seems like it's gotten better. I don't know. But sometimes I feel as if I'm driving myself to the edge. Now, I am doubting and wondering whether or not I really want to be with Luke.. It's the most horrible feeling in the world, because I know I do. I just want to stop having that dreaded feeling. It's like I make myself think things. Sometimes, if I don't feel satisfied or something.. it's like I have to keep doing things. My mind controls me. One thing though.. (and please don't give me biased opinions on this.) since July I've been smoking marijuana on pretty much a weekly basis. I don't know if that's somehow making me worse or not, but I think I'll stop. I don't know if I have a touch of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or another anxiety disorder or what.

Post your thoughts. *sigh*


Well, it might be an anxiety disorder, because they can take many forms. Worrying about irrational things, having repetitive, uncontrollable thoughts and feeling like you "need to confess" could possibly be symptoms of OCD. However, I'm not about to diagnose or anything (I learned that the hard way! ), but either way, I think you should see a therapist just to talk things over, or at least talk to a doctor if things get any worse. That could help you a lot. And I'm with kythryne: marijuana might make your worries worse. If you ever want to talk (I am a huge worrywart as well!), and you have ICQ, my number is 113412037, or "SocksAreOppressive". Hugs to you, and remember: the people who are truly insane are the ones who don't think they are.

------------------
Limp Bizkit: Killing brain cells since 1997.

The All-New Only In Dreams Blog!


Posts: 268 | From: Somewhere | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5460

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My appologies, ningrrl. I guess I misunderstood when I first read your post this morning. I'm in the middle of moving, and my brain is evidently packed away in a box somewhere...

Kyth


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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