What a terrible thing to have gone through. I'm so sorry. We had a guest speaker the other day in health who spoke about his wife who died of AIDS and I was drenched in my own tears.
One thing you should know is that it is not unusual for you to be feeling this way. You're going through a lot. But just imagine what you're death would do to your grandparents! (It's really NOT a solution)
I suggest that you find someone you can talk to privately. At least once a week. Maybe a counselor, a teacher, a relative, a friend... and you've ALWAYS got us at Scarleteen. If you ever want to talk I'm on AIM as MsZim01. It's unbelievable how much talking it out can make a difference.
I wish you all the best, sweetie. I hope you feel better soon
"nothing's quite the same now - I just say your name now - but it's not so bad - you're only the best I ever had"
[This message has been edited by lilnerd (edited 05-20-2001).]