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Author Topic: feeling guilty
-Dust-
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my grandma died about a year ago, and just now the fact that she's gone is starting to sink in. this is making me feel very trashy. when i was young(er) (and stupid) i used to give her a hard way to go...for the past six or seven years i've been nothing but nice and supportive of her (she had a 20 year disease). but even still, i feel very bad about it, and i dont know if i'll ever be able to forgive myself for the past. when i expressed this to my mom, she told me that grandma was very understanding. but i've found that talking to my mom about it doesn't work, because my mom shows some resentment toward me for that. but this is still something that i think back on and cry about. has anybody been in my situation before? is there any hope?
Posts: 63 | From: Virginia, U.S.A | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
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Maybe you could try writing a note to your grandma explaining all of that? It might make you feel more like you're letting her know how you feel.
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lynne
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I'll toss in my perspective, in hopes that it's helpful. Definitely try the letter thing, if you think it'll help.

However, realize that you don't have a whole lot to feel guilty about. You were nice and supportive for seven (or six) years. That's a pretty big chunk of time, and most offenses are forgiveable (is that a word?) after that many years. Also, if your age is similar to that of most of the users here (i.e., teens or, at the most, early twenties), six or seven years ago you would have been a child, and thus not as responsible for your behavior as you are now. She probably realized that you were immature then (if indeed you were immature), and that your view of her and treatment toward her changed, and she probably forgave you for it. And if she didn't -- well, I hate to be harsh here, but if you make nice for seven years and somebody still doesn't forgive you, that's really their problem and it's out of your hands. There's not much more you can do, after all, if seven years isn't enough to earn forgiveness.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You were nice for six or seven years, and that is a long time.

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To the rational mind there can be no offense, no obscenity, no blasphemy, but only information of greater or lesser value.
-- Jennifer Diane Reitz


Posts: 266 | From: Portland, Oregon | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cate
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MY grandfather lived with my family for about 3 years before he died 3 years ago. I felt guilty because at times i wished he didn't live with us because my parent couldn't drive me to the mall and movies because they had to take care of my handicapped pop who couldn't walk or barely talk. When he died i felt really bad because i didn't talk with him or hang out with him with he was alive. so I wrote a note to him telling him how i felt and then i went to his gravestone and put the note there. I also talked to him at night. I know since my grandfather loved me so much and he knows i love him he forgives me.
So I really think you shouldn't feel so bad. You know you reandmother loves you very much and you can't help what you did when you are little. I'll will go with beppie and lynne with write a letter to her!
Sorry if my reply is a little long and confusing! sorry!!!

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Cate!


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BruinDan
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Now here is something I have a good deal of personal experience with.

My mother and I NEVER got along when I was young. When she wasn't screaming at me, she was hitting me with her hands. When she wasn't hitting me with her hands, she was using other household objects to beat me into submission. Yup, we're talkin' some pretty serious abuse here. If I knew then what I know now about child abuse...I would have gotten myself the heck out of that house before I got myself killed.

So with that in the background, I was unable to have the relationship that I wanted with my mother. My younger siblings (two, then three, then four) did not seem to have the same difficulties. For some reason, my mom chose me to slap around. As a result, I decided to fight back. I made her life hell. I would argue with her, and put up a fight when she would attack me.

Eventually, the beatings stopped. But the yelling continued unabated. I gave it right back, determined to do battle with my mom until she left me alone. This vicuous cycle continued for years.

Then it stopped in a hearbeat. On March 10, 1995; my brothers and I came home to an empty house. This was not unusual, since my mother attended various School Board functions that kept her away from the house until the evenings. But when she had not returned by 8pm, we got worried. At 8:30 that night my father and mother walked in the door at the same time, and herded all five of us into the living room. She calmly told us she had been at the doctor's office all day. Because I was a smartass, I said, "Okay, what are you dying of?" After a brief silence, she answered, "Breast cancer."

So you can imagine how low I felt after that one. At that point, the entire nature of the game changed. I decided that I was going to live every day as if it was my mom's last one with me, and that I was going to show her how much I truly cared about her.

For the next thirteen months, I realized that my mother and I had a lot in common. I lamented a bit over the time I had lost, all the years of fighting when really we were just flip sides of the same coin. If I had just controlled myself and not been such a problem child, maybe things would have been different. But either way, I only remember fighting with my mom once after her diagnosis. And in the middle of the argument, I looked at her and she looked at me, and we both said, "What in the hell are we fighting about?"

She died on April 26, 1996. While I initially felt like you did, that I had wasted precious time fighting with her, I had to realize that we had finally found the relationship we both wanted with one another...even though it was at the eleventh hour.

I am sure your Grandmother, like my mom, would not want you to dwell on past problems. When we are young, we tend to lack the foresight that we attain when we are older. You certainly cannot be blamed for things you did when you were not able to understand their significance. I treated it as a lesson learned, and I vowed not to take things for granted any longer.

I don't know if any of that helped, but I sure hope it did. Losing someone who is close to you is never an easy affair, but sometimes there are hidden lessons within each painful loss that we can take with us to make us better people down the road. This is one of them.

Dust, take care of yourself. If you feel like you would like to talk about it, please feel free to contact me. And feel better soon.

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 09-26-2002).]


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-Dust-
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im sorry about your mom dan, and your grandpa, cate. and thanks, to everybody else. i think that eventually i'll move on (how long who knows). its not something i dwell on, but when i do think about my grandma not being here anymore, i get a little sad and thought about the way things had been. my mom always said that my grandma understood but that doesn't really make me feel any better (although i know its the truth and not just her saying that). and i have just realized that i was in my early elementary school years when i was treating her not as good as i could have been. i dont know why i was even acting like that. i guess i really was dumb, and since i was that stupid i shouldn't be help responsible for my actions. she had a disease that was so bad that she couldn't even move her own muscles...and she was in a wheelchair and needed a walker. i didn't understand the whole disease thing then. i just saw her as my grandma in a wheelchair who couldn't really move (i think...im not really sure what i was thinking then). since i've been working at the hospital, i've been taking care of people with similar disabilities, and i also think that that's contributed to the guilt, becuase i didn't realize just how serious/important that was. oh and another freaky thing. just as i was waking up and thinking about it the other morning, i saw a huge outline of a coffin on my ceiling...how crazy is that? it looked exactly like a coffin.....
Posts: 63 | From: Virginia, U.S.A | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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x

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 09-26-2002).]


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-Dust-
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quote:
Originally posted by BruinDan:
I am proud of you for wanting to help people, and I am willing to bet that will help you get through your tough time.


thank ya. i do feel a little better about it now. i've realized that i did the best i could, and the best that i could have done. i was stupid then, and i've decided to forgive myself for that. sometimes i do wish that i had been nicer, but i guess that that is something that i will always wish for.



Posts: 63 | From: Virginia, U.S.A | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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