Life really scares me right now. And maybe it's dumb, but the fact that I will never get to be a kid again (as if I ever was) is so scary. I mean. What am I doing? The fact that my life is going no where scares me the most. I am a loser. I am doing really bad in school, I have always wanted to be really smart and go to a big fancy college, but that not going to happen..and I dont care. Its so weird that I don't care about something that I used to obssess over.
I also hate living here. but I don't want to leave, I couldn't ever imagine leaving. I don't want to. Maybe I just don't like change, I don't know.
I'm finding it harder and harder as time goes by to pretend to be happy. I'm not. at all. I just wish I could pretend, Its like, i think I could deal with feeling this way, if no one else could tell I was hurting.
Why am I hurting? What makes me do the things that I do? Why do I want people to accept me? Care about me? love me? WWWhy? Why should it matter?
I don't need anyone, I can make it alone. I need need love or support, or anyone.
Thats what I want people to think, but inside I'm crying for love and acceptance. I always put on this tough girl act and pretend that nothings wrong, and pretend that i can do anything. but in reality, I cant do a damn thing right.
I pretend so much. I pretend to be something I'm not. I cant stand myself. One minute everything will be just great and then the next it will be the end of the world.
I understand how I could get upset when I like just get in a fight with my mother or someone, but sometimes I just get upset for the hell of it. Sometimes I blame it on pms or whatever I can use an excuse, but the truth is...its something more, there is something else wrong with me.
I hate being an out cast. I'm not even really sure that I am. I mean, what am I? I'm not a prep, I'm not a nerd, a poser, a skater, a freak, a druggie, a band nerd, or a drama person. I don't fit it any category. You know what that makes me? A nobody. Thats right. Katie? Whos that? You wouldnt know because I am invisable.
I go to church every week, and everytime I go, theres always something in me that is really wanting to pull someone aside and say, "can we talk?" but I don't. I dont want people to know I am a weak person. I don't want them to know whats going on. A couple people at church know about my cutting, but they don't care, they never really talk to me, and even though I dont act like it, I do want people to care, I want someone to pull me aside and make me spill my guts and just have them comfort me, but that will never happen. Is that wrong to want? Cause basically, I just want attention.
I don't know you guys. I just need attention. that sounds so dumb to say, but well...Its true.
Awwww, hun. Don't feel bad about yourself. I'm absolutely sure you're not a loser- at least you don't seem to be. Everyone is unique in their own way. Even if you feel that there isn't anything special about you, there is. You don't need to be the most intelligent person and get into the best college to be a winner. Maybe if you work really hard to your potential, you can get your grades up.
Plus, do you really need to be defined by a status like prep, or geek, or poser? Do you want to be? I wouldn't- I have figured out that if you are defined into a group, people see you differently. Geeks are seen as being know-it alls and are said to have bad personalities and preps are said to be snobbish and immature, but that's not always true. If you're not in any particular group, you can be friends with everybody.
All too often I feel like you do. Like I don't fit in and no body accepts me. In the past (after I found out I had depression and anxiety disorder) I even went as far as to cut myself and try to commit suicide. But it WAS NOT worth it. Now I've learned just to accept myself for who I am- there isn't really anything I can do to change who I am. And it's absolutely normal in your teens (you are in your teens, right?) to feel that way. Everybody wants to feel accepted. You'll find someone who'll love you and accept you (whether it's a friend or a lover) but it may take time. I assure you, if you look it will happen someday. Just love yourself and try to keep up your happiness. And remember, alot of other people feel the way you do. Good luck.
I know exactly how you feel. Life in general is just scary... everything seems to change so drastically... so quickly. You've probably seen the posts about my life at the moment. People go through all different kinds of emotions and all of them need to be expressed in some way. I'm sure you have people who care about you... talk to them. They'll understand. They know that you are only human and you can't always be tough. If you can't think of anyone you can really talk to, everyone on here is so caring and supportive. I'm glad that you were able to write down your feelings and get them all out. Even though I think I made too much of a fuss, it felt good just to get my feelings out. I don't really know what else to say... just that you aren't alone in what you are feeling, and things will get better in time. Good luck, and try to stay positive and hopeful!
Posts: 56 | Registered: Oct 2000
| IP: Logged |
I think you're my long lost twin. My name's Katie, too.
I don't have a group in high school, I'm a loner. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes it's great. But I think it's better overall to be a loner-you can talk to anyone you want, like whatever you want, and not have a group of people limiting you at anything else. But that doesn't make you feel better, does it? Me either.
I hate being here in this dead beat town. I want to leave, to go to New York City. But how am I gonna survive there? I can't tell an N train from an A train. I'm stuck here.
Everyone wants to be accepted and loved, it's part of society and nature. That's why it's so hard to be independent. You want to be, but you're afraid of it, or afraid of what other people will think. I mean, if they see you as independent, they're not gonna think you need them, so they won't bother, right? I don't know.
The only thing I can say is, you have to deal. It's unfair, harder than hell, and noone deserves it. But everyone gets it.
I'm getting help, currently from a therapist. Try one. Not even a therapist, just pull someone aside and say "can we talk?" They'll understand.
Good luck, keep trying.
------------------ Sin by thy lips? Oh trespass sweetly urged, give me my sin again!
Are you just down in the dumps? Or is it more? If this has been going on for a few weeks, or more, i suggest you go talk to your doctor (if you haven't already, that is). You do'nt have to feel down, and believe it or not, a lot of people just go in to their family doc to just talk. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, and not judge, and they're trained for that
What feeling? The feeling that my heart is being ripped out of me. The feeling that my life is going to hell and theres nothing I can do about it. The feeling of being lonley. This is more then being down in the dumps, I have felt this way for the last 4 years and theres no one I can talk to, and even if I did, I can't talk to people. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, and even if I did talk to someone, they wouldn't really care.
I don't have a doctor, so thats outta the question.
I feel the same way you do, you know that? It occurred to me that I have no friends. None. My one and only moved far away, and we're already losing touch. The few people I thought were my friends have taken to ditching me at every opportunity. I just failed chemistry and geometry. (I'm not a math person.) I don't fit into any group at school. It was beautiful outside today and I couldn't let myself go outside because it just made me feel worse. I cried three times. There's this phrase... "They cut her open. But it didn't matter much...she was all empty." That's how I feel.
So I can relate. If nothing else, know that YOU AREN'T ALONE. Life's this test, I think. Everything that can be tossed at us is being tossed at us, and we have to learn how to dodge it. It sucks, but we're ALL being tested. We're in this together. So don't give up. Don't give the Universe the satisfaction of defeating someone. You're stronger than that.
I know it sounds corny. But don't let ennui take you over. Things will pass, they always do. There is someone out there for everyone. I totally know how you feel, and I agree with Miz S. Vent to all hell on here. I'll be here if you want to talk.
------------------ ...an angel who didn't so much fall as saunter vaguely downward...
Towel-you didnt sound corny at all, it was sweet thank you. Miz S-I'm gonna take you up on that, I'm gonna start right now cause I need to vent.
Tonight at work was so stressful, I do to much work to only make minimum wage, Its not fair. It was really busy tonight, and we were already one person short, so we only had two people working, I was on box while Cleevins was at concession...but then him and the manager got in a fight...and he quit. Leaving me to do box, concession, phone, cleaning, AND cigarette duty. WTF??? I did three peoples job, and am not getting credit for it.
It is after midnight now and I cannot get to sleep. I have to get up at 5am and get ready fot school. Sux.
My friend just told me she was pregnant yesterday. It upset me so much, I guess cause she was really upset. She's only 17, and to be honest, shes the most religious person I know, it just shocks me because she was going to wait till marraige to have sex..but people make mistakes. I don't know where I'm going with this so Im going to stop here.
I have been thinking alot about my family lately and how I treat them. Which isnt very good. I have noticed that I am in a bad mood all the time and it is not cool. Even though they do piss me off, and we all have a lot of problems, I should learn to be more considerate.
I wish my mom would tell me who my dad is. SHe told me a long time ago that she would tell me whenever I turned 16 (that was when I was 8) and we havent said a word about it since. And well...I've been 16 for a month and am still waiting, I wonder if she forgot. I don't even know why this is so important to me, but it is. I don't think my mom even knows who he is. She did tell me that she never told "him" about me, so he has no clue. I wonder what it will be like, I wonder if I'll ever meet him, this is really important to me...hmmm..
I have so many cuts and scars all over me and I'm suppossed to help out at a camp this summer, I am kinda nervous about that. people react really strangly about that sort of thing.
I have so much more to say., but I need to get in bed, no doubt I'll be back tomorrow.
welcome to life as a teenager, it sucks, i know
just try and remember that there is always something to look forward to, something to get up and outta bed for. someone loves you and cares about you, more than just someONE, im sure it is someHUNDREDS. try and think about the good stuffs in life.
maybe even try to see a pychologist. they help alot if you find someone you trust and can confide it. next time at church you get that urge, go for it!!!
im always here to talk too, just from reading your post i care about you!! firstname.lastname@example.org feel free!!!
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.