I didn't think I'd ever really have a problem with it. But with the gender and sexuality issues things started to build up... I think I cut first out of disgust. General disgust at everything that was going on, dysphoria. I hated the way my life was going, hated this body... cutting took away the tension. I'd cut, I'd done something, it was out, it was okay.

I'd scar my chest, what I wished I could cut off... when I wanted to hurt someone else, I'd turn it towards myself. Emotions were more than I could handle -- at least in the form of physical pain, I could control it. I could handle it. When the tension grew, I'd cut. Soon I couldn't stop...

I find myself doing that everywhere, all the time. I get stressed over an assignment or maybe feeling especially dysphoric that day, I'm digging my nails into my skin leaving blood or scratching myself with a safety pin and I don't notice. I've started burning, too.

One of my friends knows. My ex-girlfriend, the one who's been there through my gender identity / sexual orientation crisis, she knows, and she's tried to get me to stop... I want to stop. But I'm afraid that if I do... what will I do instead? Will it all just build until I end up hanging myself, slicing my throat in a desperate attempt to gain control once again?

Call me melodramatic, whatever. That's just my story... I've brought it down from once a day to once a week. But I know it's not good... and I don't know what to do...

I have to say that your post rang off some alarm bells. It sounds as though you do have a very big problem, even though you're not ready to admit it yet. Cutting/harming yourself in the way that you do isn't a good idea. There are many ways that are better for dealing with agreession that causing physical harm to yourself, and won't lead to infection.

Right now, though, you need to deal with your cutting issue. Your best friend is genunienly concerned for your health and safety, and I would suggust that you let her help you find some kind of treatment for your problem.

I'd really like you to take the time to check out this site. It should offer your some support and information, and some numbers for some hotlines. Look them over with your friend, please? Or, by yourself if you perfer. Just take a look at the information, all right?

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Tim
ST Advocate

"Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks." --"Serendipity," Dogma

I started when i made a new friend (who i'm not friends with anymore.) She was bi-poler, and cut herself. And i didn't notice until after that her cutting was just a plee for help, becuase she would wine an complain, and cry about it.

Only after i cut myself did i notice that her "cutting" was fake, and that when you cut yourself it releives tension, i like pain, but since i've only done it a few times, i stopped, and haven't done it again.

I get these urges to cut again... almost every day, on my wrists, where i cut the first time... they itch, and always bother me. And becuase of this i noticed that i like picking and scratching better.

Does anyone know of any way that you can help me with this? I really want to stop, and have the itching stop.

please, i don't know that much about all of those pages, so be careful and leave if you come across stuff that triggers you,okay, peregrine?

advocates, would it be okay to start a second, non-triggering self-injury thread (where any triggering messages would be deleted instantly!) to talk about other coping mechanisms, things that stress us out, etc, without talking about any actual self-injury? and to keep this thread open for people who are okay with potentially triggering material and who want or need to share their stories?

If you don't want to be cutting yourself, you might like to check out the non-triggering SI discussion we have going. I know there are a lot of really good suggestions for ways to cope in that topic. It's at http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum9/HTML/000361.html

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

And usually, suicidal thoughts aren't enough for a therapist to decide to have a patient institutionalized. A lot of people have suicidal thoughts, particularly during their teen years, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to kill yourself.

The more information you can give your therapist, the more effective the therapy process will be. It's a two-way process, hon, and while I know it can be very scary to dump everything out in front of someone you don't really know, it can really help to talk things out.

I hope this helps a bit, and please don't hesitate to post again if you need to talk about what's going on. I'm not a therapist (yet) but I am on here a lot, and I'll be glad to listen and offer what advice I can.

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

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~Lizzie

'This is one of my own songs I wrote...alone, naked in the bathroom...God, with my fuckin guitar!'

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~*~Beth~*~

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~~*Sara*~~

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~*Katie Frances*~
"No i dont want to meet ur friends,
and i dont want to start over again
i just want my life to be the same just like it
use to be"

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*~*~12/3/99*~*
Bobaroony & Erica Bearica
<3 love forever!

Monk N Bear~ Best Friends Forever! ~Luv ya babe!

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

And then there is times where I cant believe what I just did. Like I am the stupidist person in the entire world. How could I do that to myself

quote:

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Originally posted by DeerDancedNeedles:
I need help, but how can I get it if I can't talk about it?

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That's the million-dollar question, isn't it?

Maybe the counselor is talking just to fill the silence because you aren't. Have you tried answering her questions in more than monosyllables? Or telling her that YOU want to talk, for once? Or maybe putting your feelings in a letter for her to read? Even if you just want to talk about how much you hate counseling and why, at least that's a place to start.

As for the way you feel your dad treats you, sounds like you all could probably use a "systems therapy" approach, which believes that everybody is part of a system of family and friends, and you can't just treat the individual, you have to treat the system. For the moment, though, the best advice I can offer is for you to keep telling yourself that you are worthwhile, no matter what he says or does.

I started cutting in August of 2000, and didn't stop until May of 2001. I felt like I would never stop. I was deeply depressed, and felt a little crazy. But I did it. So it is possible to get past this. I haven't cut in nearly a year, and it's not longer a struggle not to do so. So hang in there, and keep trying, because it is possible to stop.

Don't bother trying to argue with anyone there. Blend in, do as you are told, and keep your objections to yourself. Above all, don't bother spending your time trying to make being there okay, just put your energy into convincing them to let you out.

That's all the advice I have right now. If you have e-mail access in the hospital (you may or may not), try to keep us posted, okay?

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Originally posted by moonbeam:
Hi just wondering why do you guys do it? is it to show how hurt you r inside ? I have a friend who does it when hes upset or guilty and just wondering why? no offence just curious if you actually know.

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I had a troubling grade school experience, so I guess I'm not surprised. What intrigues me is that I haven't really ever heard about anyone actually biting themselves. I guess it's just me.

What bugs me is people who cut and then decide to show off their scars! I haven't worn short sleeves or shorts for about three years now, i don't know maybe cutting for some people is a cry for help for me it was an escape from what i was feeling inside except it just made me sink deeper inside my mind.

Basically I started cutting because i felt trapped in my life, it was like i was surrounded by thorns/glass and no matter which way i moved or went i was going to get hurt, so to overcome the emotional torment i was going through i cut that way whatever was thrown at me in life I could overcome because i had the scars to prove that i was strong.

I felt like a freak though but am glad to say I haven't properly cut for the last five months! And I couldn't bear to, its weird though I am scared of doing it again in case it hurts!

Amelia.x.

Unlike what I see most of you posting I never got an physical/emotional pleasure out of the act of cutting. I got pleasure out of the response I got from other people. I liked making other people cringe at the sight of blood.

I also cut my sophmore year of college. Again for unusual reasons. I also used something out of a biology dissection kit, it wasn't terribly sanitary and was sort of dull. I did that out of boredom. It was when I almost died because of a sucide attempt, when I was in this surreal daze-like haze. I set to carving lines on my wrist, just for something to do. It was really surreal. I still have the scars. It's kind of funny, everytime I look at them it reminds me of odd things. Like the ghosts in he old house, the green couch I was sleeping on that day before I got rushed to the ER, a mouse, the smell of bleach.

I also do it because I like the taste of blood, honestly. When I would draw blood I'd lick it off. I would NEVER ever cut someone else, or hurt someone else to do this, but if I'm bleeding, it's slurpy time. That may sound really fake/ or creepy to some of you, but I assure you it's true and there is nothing wrong with ingesting small quantities of blood.

Anyway, my point was originally to ask if there was something wrong with cutting? I guess I'm of the oppinon of as long as you are safe about it ( not cutting too far, using sterilized instruments, taking care of the cuts afterwards) what's the big deal? Why feel guilty or weird about it?

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Sexpert

I do not cut, I am a picker, I think, I get those obsesively high moods when I go into the bathroom with a tweezers and just pick everything that doesn't look right Ususally it's hairs (not in normal places, I pick bikini lines and underarms) sometimes its an occasional blackhead.

I don't think that my picking is doing anyone (including myself) any harm, I don't do it for depression release purposes and I try not to leave marks (although my attempts have not been too rewarding).

My problem is a new facsination with cutting. I have huge mood swings between annoyingly, euphorically happy and almost suicidal. I am always tempted to cut myself whenever I go into the bathroom and see my razors. I haven't yet, and, having read up on it, I am not quite sure whether it will be worth it. I have an almost craving-like attitude towards cutting and I have fantasies where I am alone, miserable but giddy, just slashing up myself. I don't know when I'll get enough courage to start, I'm almost hoping that I will.

It's very important for you to tell someone. Ideally, that would be your parents, because they would know you better than anyone else ... If that isn't the case for you, you can find a close friend or a teacher that you can confide in. I was in a tough spot a few weeks ago, and worked up enough courage to talk to a teacher ... and i can't believe how much it helped me. And boy did it take courage, but i had my best friend by my side and she, along w/ my teacher, helped me through it.

quote:

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if you put your fingers in wax and pour it on your hands, is that like cutting

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That really depends what it means to you. Some people don't find the sensation of hot wax on skin at all painful, and may find it pleasurable - just a nice sensation like a very hot bath (different sorts of candles also produce wax of very different temperatures).

On the other hand, if you're deliberately causing yourself pain, burning your skin, doing it to punish yourself, or something like that, then that would be like cutting in some ways.

quote:

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is it bad? or is it just something thats like, the not very bad version of cutting?

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Really, there's no fixed scale of "badness" .

If you're physically hurting yourself because you're in emotional pain and unhappy, it doesn't really matter whether it's by cutting or burning yourself or anything else. What matters is getting support and help.