Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Being judged by male friends (slutshaming a non-slut)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Being judged by male friends (slutshaming a non-slut)
qubit
Neophyte
Member # 95584

Icon 1 posted      Profile for qubit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Let me preface this by saying I only have one female friend. The rest of my friend base is male, mostly because the activities I enjoy tend to be male-dominated. I really don't mind. I like the guys and think that, in general, they have less drama than girls.

Doesn't mean they don't judge just as much.

I generally dress pretty modestly...I don't like flashing cleavage (nothing wrong with it, just not for me) and I'm picky about hemlines. Still, I'm a big fan of lace. I like lace tops: lace turlenecks, lace henleys, lace tees, whatever, you name it. Last Saturday I was wearing a navy blue lace tee with a navy blue bra underneath. It was reasonably close-knit lace, and the tee was not form fitting. One of my male friends commented, saying "Heh. Have you been wearing that all day? No one's said anything?"
I was shocked. I felt that the lace pattern, if anything, broke up my figure. The outline of my bra was not clear and there wasn't any real cleavage. What the hell is the big deal? This is a guy who has seen me in a push-up bikini (spring break).

I guess it upset me because we (me and "the guys") pretty frequently comment on ladies we see, find attractive, or are dressed in various ways. There is very little slutshaming in this, it's just dudes being dudes. Most of the time.
I don't get how he can act totally respectful toward a girl with her boobs half out, but then seems shocked that I find a "sheer" garment acceptable.

What's his reasoning? What do you think? Anyone else have stuff like this happen?

Posts: 3 | From: Alaska | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you ever read Leora Tenenbaum's "Slut: Growing Up with a Bad Reputation?" If not, I'd highly recommend it.

One thing she talks about throughout in that book that's very apt is that the whole idea of "sluts" and treating people like sluts really isn't usually about anyone's sexual behaviour. People who get called/labeled slut are rape victims, people with developmental disabilities, outcasts...people who often haven't engaged in any kind of sex at all. Making someone a "slut" is really mostly about powerplays and isolating them, setting them apart in a way that can be pretty powerful around gender inequities.

So, I don't know if this was really about slutshaming, but even if it was, I don't know what a "slut" or a "non-slut" is, you know?

That all said, I trust your gut feelings and instincts, especially with people you know well, and if you felt upset, I'm sure it was with reason. But can you maybe tell me how this felt disrespectful to you, or less respectful than other women he might have commented on who...well, I guess, you are expressing dress less modestly than you?

(If I'm being obtuse, my apologies, just feeling a little lost with some of this and trying to get a read on it.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Burdened with glorious booty
Activist
Member # 93241

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Burdened with glorious booty     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Maybe it's because, to them, you're "one of the guys"? Like, they're so used to thinking of you as being one of them that when they get even slightly reminded that you're a girl, they start to freak out? Being quite tomboyish myself, with lots of male friends, it's often the case that they'd be talking about girls and making comments that may or may not be appropriate, and I'd have to remind them that they actually have a girl in their presence, so can they tone it down please?

--------------------
Ta-da!

Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3