Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » where does "using others" begin?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: where does "using others" begin?
naplement
Activist
Member # 46362

Icon 1 posted      Profile for naplement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm trying to write about a specific dilemma I have. it's personal, but not about a relationship per se, so maybe this is the best place to ask it.

On one hand, I believe we must see other people as ends and not means, and that in a relationship we should appreciate them for what they are and not for the things [ugly synonim: "services!"] they can do for us, and that we shouldn't audition them for a specific, strictly defined role they can play in our lives [boyfirend type 234 wanted], but just get to know them and work out what's possible after that. I don't want to exploit other people, and I don't want to objectify them either.

On the other hand, I have my own needs and boundaries (and problems, a lot of them), and this can mean that at a moment I'm at a concert, and I'd like to have some nice chat and maybe making out, but I know that I just not want more than that (and even if I want, I know that I couldn't handle it). So I'm thinking about finding something for that... and then I remember that wanting people FOR something is against what I've said in the previous paragraph.

It's strange, because I see no exploitation in other people picking up each other, or going to tango lessions with the explicit aim to find people to dance with... but when it's about me, it feels dehumanizing. And I don't want that.

Any ideeas about where the solution might be?

Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think that what might help is to bear in mind that when you want something that another person also wants, no one is using anyone.

It might also help to recognize that when two people want to say, mutually make out at a concert, that's not really any intrinsically different than two people wanting to get married, even though people may have different values about those things.

So, let's say you're at that concert and you see someone you find interesting and attractive. You want to chat, so you start chatting: they engage with you because they also chat. Then you want to make out so you put that out there to them: they accept because they also want to make out. If you're not manipulating them into any of that, making claims about any of all that which you know are false or dubious, then what you're doing there isn't exploitation or objectification because you're seeing their needs and wants coming from the person they are just like yours.

Does that help at all?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
naplement
Activist
Member # 46362

Icon 1 posted      Profile for naplement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thanks, it makes perfect sense... now I see the blind spot that led me to this question: I don't believe enough in the existence of people for whom I could be attractive. I don't want you to resolve this via a forum, just wanted to share the realization.

ok, maybe the secondary causes are myths about How All Men Are, in which I officially don't believe, but it takes a time to rinse them out from my head.

(and I didn't want to suggest a hierarchy of interactions with marriage at the top.)

thanks!

Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hooray for epiphanies!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3