Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Pornography

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Pornography
Mammalia87
Neophyte
Member # 42260

Icon 11 posted      Profile for Mammalia87     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ok...pornography is everywhere. And most people (those I know personally and those I just hear talking) look at it, frequently. But the thought of it makes me sick. I think of sex as something shared in the moment, among partners, but not something to be displayed like items for sale. It's completely weird to me. So obviously I just avoid it.

But what do I do now that I have a boyfriend who likes it? It disgusts me. And I can't just look past it. People get addicted to this stuff. And it ruins relationships and makes sex far less fun for you and your partner if you abuse it. What should I do??? It's trivial to most people, but a big deal to me.

Posts: 7 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mortality
Activist
Member # 35831

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mortality     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Have you talked to him about how you feel about it? I think that should be the first thing to do, maybe he hasn't even thought of the possibility that not everyone are comfortable with it...

[ 02-27-2009, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: Mortality ]

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mammalia87
Neophyte
Member # 42260

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mammalia87     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
We have talked about it. In the past, other people I've been involved with refused to give it up. And in some cases it's what tore us apart. I told him how I felt in the beginning. Afterwards he lied about doing it. And all I want is honesty. When I showed him just how serious I was about it...I think it scared him a lot that I would leave. He promised it would never happen again and all that. But the point is that he is doing that just to make me happy. But I know that it either still happens or it doesn't and he is not happy about it. And I guess my real struggle is, how can I literally make myself not care? I feel I am the only person who feels so strongly about it, and I wish it didn't bother me.
Posts: 7 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mortality
Activist
Member # 35831

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mortality     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I care about that too... I was at a party the other week and we started talking about porn for some reason, and I told them that if they started watching porn I'd leave. They joked around a lot about "chasing me away" and "we don't want you here anyway" but they respected me enough to not watch any...

I think pornography IS a big deal actually...

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orca     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I assure you that you are not the only person who feels so strongly about it, not even on this message board. You can use our search feature and find several topics by people who feel just like you do and do not want pornography use in their relationships. And really, that's okay. It's a sexual preference, as well as a moral and ethical choice. You get to decide whether or not you want porn use in your relationships. However, it's not right to force someone not to use it if they want to use it and do not feel the same as you about it. All that means, though, is that person just isn't an optimal partner for you.

Think of it this way. I am a feminist, and I am very liberal minded. So there are a lot of things that are very important to me. For one thing, I care very deeply about environmental protection and humanitarian issues. I could never date someone who, for instance, was very anti-abortion or who thought that we should leave environmental protection up to the market. That doesn't mean that those people are wrong in their views or that they are bad people. It just means that they aren't the people I want to be dating. I may be friends with them, because I think friendships can contain a lot more diversity, but when I look for a partner, I want someone who holds very similar values to myself, someone that I can talk to about their job and not utterly hate them for the work they do (like if they were a lawyer for a company that abuses its overseas workers).

So for you, if porn use is a deal-breaker in a relationship (and it sounds like it is), then that's something to make clear at the start of the relationship. I don't think there's any reason why you should have to compromise your beliefs for the relationship, but there's also no need for the other person to have to compromise theirs. So maybe this relationship that you are in right now just isn't the best one for you based on your beliefs. And really, that's very okay. There are a lot of people in the world and you will find at least a few people who feel the same way as you on this issue and that you would like to have a relationship with.

[ 02-27-2009, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JamsessionVT     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I want to add a couple things to what's been said here already:

Cool87 is absolutely right: you feelings towards porn are just as justified as those of someone who does enjoy it. Keep in mind, however, that while you are certainly entitled to believe what you do, and make decisions about your relationship based on those beliefs, blanket statements like "porn ruins/dulls relationships" is kind of like saying "eating junk food will kill you". Sure, if you eat junk food exclusively and all the time, but chances are the food won't kill you, it's the health complications FROM eating the food. Same thing with porn. Watching porn isn't going to kill a relationship, unless there are complications because of one partner's feelings, needs, etc. There is no scientific evidence that porn is addictive (as in, you cannot compare it to drugs or alcohol); it's effects will only go as far as how the two people in the relationship feel about it.

You can't make yourself just "not care", and why should you? You are entitled to your beliefs and opinions. Like cool said, however, you can't force them on others. You want honesty from your partner, but with that honesty comes the willingness to accept that his beliefs are not the same as yours and probably won't change. If that's something you can handle, awesome, but if not, you too need to be honest about what you can handle and what you cannot.

--------------------
Abbie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Us? Keep Us Around by Donating!

Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I want to also mention that it is entirely possible to only date people who do not use pornography -- rather than asking someone to stop who does -- if that's what you want (or even if you don't care either way, it just happens that someone you date isn't a porn user).

I've been a very active dater of both men and women all my life, and in a LOT of relationships, of the men that I have dated, I can say that my sense is that at least 50% of them have not been porn users, some because it just doesn't do anything for them, others because, for themselves (based on any number of things), that's just a choice they have made not to.

I don't feel like it's apt to say that most people are frequent users of porn, in other words. perhaps most you have encountered so far, but saying most people, period, strikes me as a stretch. So, if you want to choose only to date/have intimate relationships with people who don't, that's totally doable. However, to assure that, it may just need to be something you put on the table and express as a strong want of yours (or a need, if it is that) early on, very candidly. That kind of disclosure also may be helped by not dismissing or diminishing your feelings, by posing this preference of yours as some kind of problem you have. And like others have said, I assure you that you are not the only person who has the kinds of feelings about it that you do.

(Note: I talked about the men I have dated because overall, far less of the women that I have dated have been pornography users/frequent users, and of those who have, far less seem to have had it be something that was essential for them when it came to their solo or partnered sex lives. I'd not use my experiences there to make any big generalizations about women and porn use, though, and don't think it's sound to only make this about men, especially considering that if most porn wasn't made by and for men, we might see more women utilizing porn than we often do.)

[ 03-01-2009, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68208 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bluefreak44
Activist
Member # 12381

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bluefreak44     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I can't say much that hasn't already been said.

If it's a deal breaker for you, you need to let him know that. I'm very much against pornography (from moral and I suppose you could say feminist perspectives), but I don't know if it's fair to get with someone who thinks it's okay and then ask them to change.

Posts: 81 | From: MO, USA | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I personally do think it's fair to ask someone in a relationship to change their behaviors. Not fair to ask someone to change who they ARE, but their behaviors? Sure: we're often going to do that or be asked that in relationships. And using porn is a behavior, not who someone is.

As an example of that, a partner or person someone is dating may be someone who slams doors when angry (and who that makes feel good, and who others may have been fine with), but door slamming may be something that the other person finds, over time, makes them feel scared or uncomfortable. That person absolutely gets to ask the other to consider learning not to slam doors.

However, I think we just have to be aware that a given behavior of someone's may not be something that person wants to change or is able to change. So, if a given behavior -- or lack thereof -- is something we absolutely do or don't need in a relationship, we're likely to do better in relationships where things are, in that respect, as we need them to be right from the start.

For instance, some people don't want to be with a smoker or someone who eats meat. So, those people are likely to do better just dating people who don't smoke or eat meat right from the start rather than dating people with those behaviors and then asking them to change those behaviors for them.

See the difference?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68208 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mammalia87
Neophyte
Member # 42260

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mammalia87     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I just wrote the longest thank you ever, and it vanished. Such is life...

Well the point was that I really appreciate all of the advice. It helped tremendously for me to see clearly. I have been with lots of crazy people, and sometimes it is hard for me to see when someone is doing wrong against me and when it's all in my head. I agree with a mixture of both...that someone should not be with you if they have to fundamentally change him/herself. But the respecting of one's wishes is key if this change does not need to occur. Thankfully, in my case I learned that his giving up of the habit is very effortless. He just wasn't aware of how much or why I feel the way I do.

He actually does more to make me happy than anyone I've met, and I am so glad something like this didn't rip us apart.

Thanks again for all of your replies. [Smile]

Posts: 7 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3