Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Sleeping Together

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Sleeping Together
Emmajen
Activist
Member # 19913

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Emmajen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is a question because I'm curious about other people's opinions. I am 18 and my boyfriend is 19, we have been dating for more than 2 years. Recently we decided that we went to spend the night together, something we had never done, so we decided that I would sleep at his house overnight. I then had to go about explaining this to my parents and it brought up an interesting question in my house. So I'm curious, what do you think? Do you think a couple of about our age, 18-19 and in our length of relationship, over 2 years which demonstrates some devotion and trust should be allowed to sleep together?
Posts: 44 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22471

Icon 1 posted      Profile for dailicious     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think it really depends on one's own personal beliefs about the situation, so it will be hard to guage an opinion here that may be helpful to you. There are a number of reasons it may NOT seem okay with some people for a couple to sleep together (being together before marriage maybe one, for example, the implication that sleeping alone together could lead to sex, for another). The length/committment of your relationship may also not play a big factor when it comes to some of these factors.

I, personally, see nothing wrong with it and stay with my boyfriend a couple days a week (we're both 18 and have been together a year and a half).

You are both old enough to start making these types of decisions for yourselves, but if you are living at home (which I'm assuming from your post you are) you do also have to follow your parents' house rules and take their beliefs and wishes into consideration, so it's good you spoke to them about this up front, talking to them and listening to their feelings about the situation will help demonstrate your own responsibility.


Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It would be totally ok with me, but I'm not your parents. I feel that while you're of age and such, you have to live with your parents' rules while living under their roof. I agree with dailicious on all of her points, especially that the relationship being two years might not make a difference to your parents if they're strict.

This is one big reason I do not live at home anymore, because I prefer to live my life as I see fit, in terms of having people sleep over and such. I'm 22 and moved out of my parents' home when I was 17.

I am financially independent of my parents, but could move back home if I was in a bind. But I probably still wouldn't be allowed to have the people I was dating sleep over: My parents are not judgemental or strict as to how I live my life away from home, but they tend to worry more about me when I live there. Then again, my parents did agree to let my sister's long term, long distance (different country) boyfriend to stay with her in the same room over Xmas.

I think sleeping in the same bed with someone you like and care about is a very nice feeling. Of course, it's totally not all about sex, which I think comes to prude/strict parents' minds first. If at least you can sleep over at your boyfriend's, it's a nice option for now. Ultimately you could look to moving out (but not necessarily in together if you don't want to: despite how many nights I might spend at a partner's, I like having my own place!!)

------------------
I was raised to be strong and hard/but if you touch me wrong/I fall apart/I found a woman who's soft but she's also hard/while I slept she nailed down my heart ~morphine~


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A related issue, which has also been brought up by the other two posters, is that if it's an issue of parents feeling maturity hasn't been "proved," or some such, you do have the conundrum of the fact that being of age to be financially independent and remaining dependent is likely the biggest proof of a lack of autonomy that's there.

So, ultimately all a question like this has me wondering is why it's even a family question, or something that needs be allowed, among two adults who one'd expect to be on their own by now with no need of asking things like this of families, save during visits, etc.

(But ultimately, that notwithstanding, while I'm not a parent, I'd have no troubles with anyone merely sleeping together. We're mammals, after all: the desire to sleep in packs is pretty basic and instinctual activity when it comes to comfort, intimacy and companionship, and it really has nothing to do with sex.)

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 10-12-2005).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
We're mammals, after all: the desire to sleep in packs is pretty basic and instinctual activity when it comes to comfort, intimacy and companionship, and it really has nothing to do with sex.)
I always liked having "sleepovers" with my sisters when I was younger and still really like sharing a bed with friends. I went on a trip last year where a platonic friend and I shared a bed for a week: I really missed it when we got back home and slept in our respective rooms.

[Edited for my abuse and misuse of run-on sentences.]

[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 10-12-2005).]


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, absolutely. It's pretty natural stuff.

And I should even revise that last statement of mine. Because in some ways, sex too, is about those things: about comfort, about intimacy, about companionship, about pretty basic bonding.

But to say one inclines the other -- and it is something we'll hear often enough -- isn't very accurate.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
summergoddess
Activist
Member # 11352

Icon 1 posted      Profile for summergoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nothing wrong with it.

I started staying over at my partner's place when we were a year and half into our relationship. My parents knew about it, just that they didn't want it to be a habit meaning every weekend, but eventually when we got to our 2 years, it became literally almost every weekend. I drove my parents crazy with that, but they didn't stop me. I still came home after our "sleepover" weekend together, and i still went to school, work and everything else.

We finally moved in together just a month shy of our 4 years this year and we had been engaged for just one year.

I totally understand how sleepover doesn't always lead to nights of sex. I know a couple who've slept together in the same bed but they haven't had sexual intercourse to this day. Whether sex happens during the sleepover night or not is up to the couple, not the parents. Like Ms. Scarlet said, we're all mammals.

I prefered that I slept over at my partners that rather have him stay over at my parents because I knew that my parents wouldn't allow us to sleep together in my bed but they were okay with me being in the same room as my SO when I was at his house. His parents were all okay about it, and as long they knew in advance that I was spending the night.

Btw, Both set of parents knew that we were sexually active, and had an idea that there was chances that sex could happen when we had those sleepovers.

I don't know anything else to tell you but to talk to your parents about it, and compromise. As well as your partner.

Jules


Posts: 369 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
zeta
Activist
Member # 20185

Icon 1 posted      Profile for zeta     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd say you're two adults in committed relationship, and of course it should be ok for you to do whatever you deem fit. You yourselves know what you're ready for (and I think everyone here already pointed out that spending a night together is just that, not synonymous to sex etc).

However, long as you live in your parents' house, you can't break their rules too much. But it's something you can talk about -if your parents expect you to do what they say "just because" you can point out, gently and friendlily of course, that you are on the brink of adulthood and they might want to try a different approach. You can try and explain your point of view to them -not argue or insist, just explain why.

If you're utterly incapable of getting on the same page, waiting 'til you move out might be the only thing to do. Most parents are just trying to help, though, misguided as their notions sometimes seem from the offspring's point of view. =)


Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aliyeva87
Neophyte
Member # 26128

Icon 1 posted      Profile for aliyeva87     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is something I would NEVER discuss with my parents, they are very religious Muslim and would go crazy. I had to find out about birth control myself when I decided to sleep with a boy. I was 16 at the time. I still live at home and don't have a current boyfriend, but if I was dating someone and wanted to sleep with him, I would do it discreet so they didn't find out.
Posts: 11 | From: Florida | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3