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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » "rape" as a fantasy?!

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Author Topic: "rape" as a fantasy?!
nifty
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i was reading the problem page in a newspaper for some reason one day when i read somthing that kinda shocked me.

this woman was writing in about her fantasy. she said she liked for her partner to be rough with her, somtimes even hit her and then to "rape" her. (i'm not sure i sould call it rape because she asks him to do it.)she said she was fine with it but her pertner was not sure but did it some times to make her happy. (i thought that was mean of her to make him do it if he didn't want to... but thats just my opinion)

it was a part where other readers could write in and say what they thought... some of them said they were horrified because they had been in *real* abusive relationships/through rape etc... others said good for her she can do what she wants in the bedroom.

what do you think??


Posts: 52 | From: england | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dzuunmod
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If no one was allowed to do things that some other person had had problems with at one point in life, we'd be in trouble.

I think that what goes on in people's bedrooms, as long as it's consensual, is fair game. And, as for your feelings about one partner not really wanting to take part in the fantasy every time, I'd say that pretty much everyone does things for other people that they don't necessarily want to. How is this any different? Why is sex always treated so differently?

Last, what newspaper was this in, nifty? Was it one of the tabs?

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You can twist his body 'til it faces backwards/Those plastic features/You could make somebody a pretty little wife/But don't let anybody tell you how to live your life.
-Elvis Costello, Tear Off Your Own Head (It's a Doll Revolution)


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logic_grrl
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quote:
(i'm not sure i sould call it rape because she asks him to do it.)

Well, it's clearly not actual rape because she's consenting (and in fact initiating it); it's consensually acting out a fantasy.

I'd agree with you that the worrying element is that of her possibly pressuring her partner into something he's not totally comfortable with, if that's what was happening.

But personally, if the people involved with it are comfortable with it, I don't see anything wrong with consenting adults acting out whatever they both want.

The article Working the Kinks Out is pretty relevant here.


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nifty
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the newspaper is called the daily mirror it's ....well, daily... and this was just in the probem pages. i found the website of this agony aunt & managed to find the actual article printed... here tis...
http://www.mirror.co.uk/miriam/miriam/page.cfm?objectid=12627559&method=full&siteid=50143

i don't think i explained it very well at all the first time mainly because i didn't have the paper infront of me.
i think the replies are very ... brittish agony aunt-ish. can every problem be solved with leaflets and lavendar oil??! i doubt.
but ahh, here is the page of the article and maybe it will help!


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logic_grrl
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Here's the quote, for anyone having trouble accessing the link:

quote:
Dear Miriam,

I HAVE what other people may consider very disturbing fantasies. Although not necessarily always sexual, I get pleasure and comfort from them.

I can't tell friends about them, so I'm asking your opinion.

I often fantasise about being in an abusive relationship. I like the thought of my husband being rough with me, often in fits of jealousy and sometimes leading to him forcing himself on me.

It has now got to the point where I'm initiating arguments in the hope of his losing control. I do this particularly when he's had a drink.

I've confessed to my husband about my fantasies but he just makes a joke of them.

I've thought about why I have them, and believe I long to have control of my life taken away from me as I'm often feeling highly stressed through work. I'm quite shy normally. Am I wrong in what I want?


It sounds to me as if the real problem is that she's confused about how to fulfill her fantasies in reality. The difference between sexual fantasy and actually wanting something to happen is often something that people misunderstand, especially as there isn't much awareness of the distinction in our culture.

But having a "rape" fantasy has nothing to do with wanting to be raped in reality. It's pretty common for people to be aroused by mental images and fantasies of things that they'd be traumatized and repelled by in real life.

The dangerous thing here is that she's trying to fulfill her fantasies by trying to provoke her husband to act in abusive ways in real life, which is obviously extremely dangerous for both of them, instead of discussing how they could consensually act out her fantasy as a fantasy (with proper safety precautions such as safewords).


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Confused boy
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One other point to note. Bear in mind that this might be a fantasy of a very different kind: one invented by a journalist when they were coming a little short of tittilation that day. The Daily Mirror is indeed "one of the tabs" and on some days, like its slightly more infamous counterpart The Sun, bearly counts as a newspaper at all! So there is no guarantee of truthfulness in any element of its reporting.

Despite that, its still a contentious issue in the media. I think if it passes the basic "SSC" test, its fine. That is "safe, sane and consensual."

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'An Anarchist is a Liberal with a bomb' Trotsky


Posts: 711 | From: England | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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