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Author Topic: my friend is pregnant.. i need advice
Etch
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Well, I bought a pregnancy test for my friend Luara who has been having unprotected sex for a while now. It came back posative. If you dont remember (or never read my other post) she is 15 he is 14.

The problem is.. I am getting so frustrated that I cant help them, I try not to butt in... I let them come to me for advice. But when i gave them my advice they got all defensive about it. They are both fighting consantly about the little things... and I am just scared that something is gonna happen to make an already bad situation worse.

Next time they ask for my advice i cant lie.. but i know they will get mad and just not follow it.. what do I do?


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Sam007
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Tell them exatly what u think and how worried u are. I know when I had a prenacney scare with my girlfriend, we went right to my mom. she helped us think of a way to brake it to my gf's parents that she might be pregant, but before we did that she went strait out and bought an at home test, we found out that she wasnt. we talked to her parents and Katelin got right on the pill. now to get back on the point, tell them to talk to someone more able to handle such a delicate situation, a parent, a teacher, consuler, what ever, just someone older to see a different POV.
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Lin
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I think you have to tell your friend that you really love her and you are really concerned about her. That you are worried about what's going on and you would like to help. And if she wants your advice she is going to have to sit down and LISTEN to it at the very least.

She is probably going through a very rough time now which is why she is so edgy. If she really doesn't want to listen to you, there is not much you can do. Just be there for her and support her. If she asks your advice, give it to her. If she doesn't take it, let her be.

What is she doing about the baby? Have they consulted any adult regarding this matter? If they haven't, you might want to ask her to confide in an adult she can trust. Gd luck dearie.

[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 01-03-2001).]


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karina582
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Etch,I have to agree with Lin. At this point in your friend's life-she's a bit edgy. I mean she's 15 and her life is changing sooo fast! You should continue to be there for her. As of now, she's pregnant, and the next step to take has to be decided on.
One thing I like to add too is that pregnancy tests are accurate-some are more accurate than others-depending on which type you buy. It would not hurt to convince your friend to take a blood test just to double check. While she's there and she does find out that she is for sure pregnant-maybe she can take the next step. There are tons of free clinics and I believe if you hit search under this website-it'll give you some names and address.
Again, it is so great that you're caring for her. At this point I know you just want to help her, but give her some time to sort this out-when she is ready (hopefully not too late) maybe you can step in and help her plan what she wants to do for the baby. Whatever you do-continue to let her know you are there for her. Good Luck!!!

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quote:
"Mistakes are lessons of wisdom"-Mariott Hotel Freeway Sign

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Eclipse
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My best friend got pregnant when we were 14, so I can sort of sympathise. She didn't want me to tell anyone, but it was just making me sick keeping it secret, so I told my mom, 'cause I tell my mom everything. I tried to be there for her.

The advice I can cull from my experiences, which may or maynot apply to yours are:

1. You HAVE to learn to realize that sometimes there's nothing more you can do. This is one of those really difficult parts of life, but it's true.

2. Be completely honest, but be gentle about it. As I'm sure you know, it will be a lot better for her if, even if you have disagreements about how she's handling things, or what the Right Thing To Do is, she knows she can talk to you. It's best that a. you both realize that you disagree on some things and b. you know that you can set that aside.

3. *You* need someone to talk to. A friend who's not involved, a family member, anyone. If nothing else, at least you can talk to us.

4. It might be easier to communicate your thoughts and advice to your friend in written form. A letter or an e-mail might be better than a face-to-face or telephone discussion, or if you think she might not listen to even that, see if you can find a pamphlet or website or short book that explores some of the options she has available and things she has to think about. It might be easier for her to swallow it if it's not coming directly from you.

5. It might be helpful for you to read about teen pregnancy, and about whatever she decides to do (adoption, abortion, keep the child...). Your library probably has some resources, and of course, so does the web. I did a lot of reading when my friend was pregnant, just because it helped me feel a little better and feel like I was more informed and useful to her if she needed me.

--
My own friend is now almost 19 (we're the same age), and she has two children. Her son is nearly four and her daughter has just turned two. She is a full time college student, as well as raising her two kids and working two or three jobs, and for that, she has my deepest respect, since not many people could or would want to live that sort of life.


By the way: if she doesn't abort while it's still practical to do so but is in denial about her pregnancy and absolutely doesn't want to think about or have the child, put her in touch with Project Cuddle. http://www.projectcuddle.org The project was founded to pre-emptively rescue abandoned babies. They have a toll-free *crisis* hotline and a local number for non-emergencies.

Aloha,
Eclipse


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Etch
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She is going to tell her parents, but not yet. I can understand why she wants to wait a couple days just to think about how she is going to tell them. She used the EPT. The thing her and her b/f are most scared about is her father. They are both concerned that he will just get angry and quite frankly hurt him.

The thing they dont understand is that they made adult decisions to have sex, unprotected sex for that matter, and now they have to deal with the consequenses like adults. I am really afraid that they are worrying about the wrong things though. They are more worried about choosing a name then how they are going to take care of it.

I do plan on taking her to a clinic nearby. Hopefully she will get some counseling that will help her out.


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Lin
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Well maybe it just hasn't really sunk into your friend's head yet that she is having a baby.

But there is not much you can do about that now. Maybe you could buy her a few parenting books to get her ready or send her here so she can talk to some of the moms here. Don't worry too much now about her priorities. It will sink in soon.

Just be there for her like you are now.


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mamaalli
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Be there for her. That is what she needs. This her body, her baby and her choice. Maybe direct her to www.girlmom.com (ha! Please!) or www.hipmama.com.

Check out some books for her. "The HipMama Survival Guide" by Ariel Gore is a great start! And the "Pregnancy Book" by Dr. Sears.

Encourage her. Help her learn about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. Hit some garage sales and buy her some baby clothes. Maybe talk with her about her educational and career options and help her make a life-plan.

And always be there for her. Always. Support her. Send her cards just saying "I know you can do it!" and "Believing is 99% of doing." Just cheesy stuff. It helps. Make her mixed tapes. Be there for her.

She can do this and so can you


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Heather
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Oh My GOD!

Who let Alli out of the Prenancy forum? Bar the gates!

(ducking)


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mamaalli
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Hey now Heather! LOL. That's what you get when you post topics on the front page! The only reason I have so much time today is my family is over all weekend, and Cade is busy playing with my cousins. LOL. Maybe I should go invade some other topics, too?

Whatta think?


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Heather
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I think that'd be great. Good to see you getting around.


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CrayolaChica12
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please calm down.
its terrific that you want to help, but sometimes you can't. let them know that you are there if they need help, but don't force your way into their problem. you are a great friend for worrying so much and caring. i hope everythign works out for the best

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SweetyD
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Hey I know what you're going thru right now.. my best friend who is 14 thinks she is pregnant by her 17 boyfriend.. they are both scared to death it's too early for a test yet but she's showing a couple early syptoms she'll be able to take a test next week and is absolutly going out of her mind until then.. and he is doing all he can but just got over heart surgery a month or 2 ago and still can't be back to where he was before yet.. and I am stuck in your spot. If you wanna talk at anytime e-mail me at psychofreak69@aol.com I'd love to hear from some one else.. and maybe we can help eachother help our friends

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Dani
~Some people don't tell the one they love how they feel for fear of their own broken heart, but in the process may break someone elses.


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glitter695
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I dont think she is forcing her way into he problems. When friends need help you are usually there for them right?? They need to be helped, comferted and guided in the right direction. And the girl who is pregnate is lucky to have a friend that cares about her so much.

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*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~
*~*~12/3/99*~*~*
"The first time I saw you, I knew that I would fall for you, & now that were together, our love will last forever!!" -By: The person I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!


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Etch
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Well, he parents found out on Monday. She hasnt come back to school since then. Actually she is now making things way harder on her and her boyfriend. I really doubt they will survive as a couple after what she said. She told her mother she never wanted to have sex with him in the first place and she only did it so he wouldnt dump her. Her mom is now thinking of pressing charges.

Thing is though, legaly SHE raped him. Stat. rape. She is 15 and he is 14, in oregon you arent legaly allowed to have sex untill 15. But if she does bring him to court his family wont be able to pay for it. Its a big mess.

She also refuses to go back to school at all (not even a school especially for teen mothers with a FREE built in daycare) She wont breast feed (which would save on food costs) because she sees it as a sexual act.

She just doesnt have any standards for herself. She doesnt think that she will be anything in life so she doesnt try. Its breaking my heart... but i cant do anything about it anymore because the only contact i have with her is through her b/f.... but even he isnt allowed to see her anymore.


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Lin
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Okay mamaalli, I think we need you here. To inspire us all again with your story on how being pregnant does not mean you can't accomplish anything in life.

Honey, i am so sorry to hear about what's going on. And honestly, there seems to be little you can do now if she refuses to talk to you. I think the only thing you can really do is to write to her and tell her how it hurts you that a wonderful and intelligent girl like her is throwing her life away. All hope is not lost. Look at the wonderful teen mum around. Is there any way you could get her to come onto Scarleteen?

I think she really needs support now from people who know what she is going through. At this point you can only be there for her and let her know that.


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concubine
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I wouldnt usually say this, simply because I'm 17, and have a 3 month old, but she needs to think about giving the baby up for adoption, even to a family member. Someone who is prepared to take care of it. If she looks at breastfeeding as a sexual act, and wont even try to get help with this, she's NOT ready.
I went to an alternative high school (with a daycare) before I got pregnant, and now I go to that same school at night to finish my diploma. Its helping me a lot. I'm away from my child 2 1/2 hours a day 3 days a week, and I can still get my diploma ON TIME. Alternative schools are incredibly helpful. Plus, they don't look down on you for having a baby.

She still has so many chances, even WITH a baby. My friend sonya had a baby at 13 and is a great mother, she's 15 now. You just have to give up selfishness for the most part.

She doesn't seem like she's anywhere near ready for this. And when she realizes how much she spends on formula (7-15 dollars a can, which doesn't last long) she may change her mind on breastfeeding.

But anyway.. I really don't think there is anything you can do, except tell her that you don't hold anything against her, and you are still her friend no matter what, and anytime she needs you, you'll be there. Give her her space.. A lot of the way she's acting could be shock.. When I found out I was pregnant, I was constantly throwing fits and lying for no reason except I was in such shock and wanted the attention off of my situation..

Breastfeeding as sexual.. Argh.. If this is sexual, I am NEVER having sex again. It doesn't feel good in -that- way.

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- nicole -
Surreal Ivy - 11/04/00
It must feel good to stand above me
While I make you so proud of me


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karina582
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etch...i know this seems EXTREMELY unethical to raise this question-esspecially cause I'm a catholic....has she considered an abortion?....


------------------

quote:
"Mistakes are lessons of wisdom"-Mariott Hotel Freeway Sign

[This message has been edited by karina582 (edited 02-01-2001).]


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Etch
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she has considered, and she decided on no way in a million years. there is another post about her... she has decided on adoption.
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$uMMeR
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no offence, Etch, but i seriously think ure friend is being real stubborn...
im assuming what she said bout her bf forcing her in2 sex isn't true, and like u said, she only seems to be making matters worse...
plus, refusing to go to school is, in my opinion, not really smart..she's gotta finish her education, it is important for her...
if my friend were lying bout her bf, and refusing to go to school, i wouldnt stand it for a minute, id just tell her she's acting real immature...
but dun listen 2 me if u dun want 2 coz im not that experience in matters like these, but believe me, i do sympathise with you and your friend

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*Read my diary

*Read my page

*And...alwayz :)


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$uMMeR
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...hey, i think what concubine said is probably true...she's probably acting that way coz she's in a state of shock...

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*Read my diary

*Read my page

*And...alwayz :)


Posts: 194 | From: city of Anghelz | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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