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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » What can I do?

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Author Topic: What can I do?
Rio
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Sometimes I feel so dirty, guilty, and bad. What can I do to stop this. It makes me kind of panic and upset. I would tell the story behind this but it is very long.
Thanks,
Rio

Posts: 60 | From: near Indianapolis | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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if you are the religious type, you can talk to your clergyman.

if you don't want to tell us what you think you did that you think was so bad, then try doing some good, like some community service, or anything else constructive that will make you feel better.

but unless you killed, raped, or maimed someone, i can only guess what you did wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it was. and if you did kill, rape or maim someone, then you should go find a good lawyer, and then turn yourself into the proper authorities.

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Someday, I will have a sexy car...a very...sexy...car!


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Ella
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Hi Rio, welcome to the boards. First off we need to know what's making you feel dirty and bad or else how will we be able to offer any advice. On what you've given all I can say is to talk to someone you trust about whatever's wrong. Please tell more so I can maybe offer some real advice
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ErinK
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Hm.

Well, writing, talking to people, doing things that make you feel good, and getting involved in activities that make you feel healthy and happy and worthwhile are all good ways to deal with those kinds of feelings.

Talking to a counselor, a doctor, or a trusted adult, preferably someone who has experience in counseling people of your age and perhaps with the particular issues that you are having, often helps many people. However, counseling is not a magic wand waving solution -- you have to go into it wanting to work with and build a trusting relationship with a counselor.

It's hard, and it sucks, and I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

erin


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Rio
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Um, well, here it goes. Uh when I was little some boys I used to play with would touch me and one tried to sodomize me with something, and I was begging him not to and I was too scared to move. At first this started out as curiosity which I'm pretty sure is normal for children and we were all okay with it. But there were times when I didnt want to, and there were also times when I liked it it felt kind good. But sometimes I feel very dirty like I hurt them because they found out about girls and stuff from me. I feel like I made them bad, and I deserved what I got. I'm in counseling I've been in it for a long time for a multitude of reasons but I still feel this way.
-thanks,
Rio

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Heather
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For starters, kids do sexually experiment. They simply do. Fortunately, when one of them in a situation like this asks for another to stop or blaks, or before activity gets to something like sodomy, most children stop. I'm terribly sorry it didn't in your case, honey.

More times than not, people working through childhood sexual abuse issues deal with the sort of issues and feelings you're dealing with, and it is highly complex, as I am sure your therapist has told you. For MANY kids in this kind of situation, the physical aspects of some things like this do feel good to them -- that doesn't mean you were dirty or that you did anything wrong. It simply means that on one level it felt good, and on another (and with residual issues you're left with) it did not.

No one can make another person "bad," and I'm of the mind that people aren't good or bad anyway -- people behave in ways that are okay or are not. They did what they did, and I'm sure they're dealing with issues as well, sweetie. Sounds to me like you all ended up in an unhealthy situation, but you unfortunately bore more of the residual suferring and the victimization.

What has your therapist suggested? Sometimes, a lot of things like this simply involve working to accept what happened, doing whatever you can do about it now, recognizing it caused you harm and pain and moving on in whatever size steps you can. But a big part of that is going to involve you truly understanding and believing that none of this was your fault 9and it wasn't), and that you are allowed to feel pain about anything that feels painful -- being a victim isn't contributing to a situation, honey, it isn't.

You're more than welcome to email me if you need to(heather@scarleteen.com), and I'm also happy to recommend books on dealing with sexual abuse.

Meanwhile, why not try and have one full day where you feel good. If you start to feel guilt or "dirtiness," make up a mantra -- remind yourself that you aren't those things. You are a good person who is bravely facing your pain and moving past it. Switch your focus.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rio
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Thank you soo much to those who replied, and to Ms. Scarlet. I will try what you suggested and see if it helps. Is it unusual for kids to experiment with things like this for years? That was the case in my situation. Ms. Scarlet I may e-mail you later on.
Thanks again,
Rio

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Heather
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For years against another child's consent?

Usually no, but I'd venture that is because at some point an adult usually intervenes. On another token, most children are pretty empathetic and don't want to see their friends in pain.

What ages are we talking about here?


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Rio
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I am a year or so older than they are. But it started around the time I was in pre-kindergarten. It continued off and on for a long time after that. There were times where I agreed to it (after all it felt kind of good) and there were times where I didnt agree to it. I did try to get help from adults but they didnt do much. I hope this helps explain things better.
-Rio

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Heather
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Pre-kindergarten kids doing forcible sodomy is certainly not common.

You can assure yourself that if this started then and went on for years it was those doing this with the serious problem, sweetheart.


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Heather
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Pre-kindergarten kids doing forcible sodomy is certainly not common.

You can assure yourself that if this started then and went on for years it was those doing this with the serious problem, sweetheart.


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Heather
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Pre-kindergarten kids doing forcible sodomy is certainly not common.

You can assure yourself that if this started then and went on for years it was those doing this with the serious problem, sweetheart.


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Rio
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It was only one of them who tried to do that to me and it was a one time thing. But it did manage to give me a scare (to put that mildly). That was around third grade. Which was a few years into this stuff. I was wondering if that would have been considered rape. The answer to that question is still unclear to me. Its been a little bit over a year since I've started trying to work through this stuff. I feel like I should be done with it but it just doesn't leave me alone. I still a have bad dreams. Does that ever go away?
thanks
Rio

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Heather
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If you were all children, and consent was understood, no, it legally isn't rape.

That doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic for you, though, or that you're nutty for it affecting you. Sexual trauma tends to be pretty serious stuff, because the human right to intimacy is about the deepest core we've got.

Does it go away? It goes away. That doesn't mean you don't deal with parts of it for a lot of your life, though -- that's just part of the deal of being a survivor. But too, you do have to be willing to let go of it BY working through the hard parts instead of just filing them neatly aside, and it sounds like you're on the good road as far as that goes.

Sugar, what is your therapist saying about what's going on with you right now? What is he or she suggesting? Is your family or are your friends helping with this?


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Rio
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It doesn't get talked about at home. But my mom knows. I don't really want to talk to her about it though b/c its just hard to talk to her about serious stuff like this, it always has been. My dad is well a guy, and that is enough to rule him out. Only a couple of my friends know about it. Though I had one amazing discussion with my best friend's mother, my best friend doesn't know.
As for my therapist, it gets discussed often but not at length (if that makes sense). I have never asked her some of these questions.

Thanks again,
Rio


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Heather
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I think it's time to ask her -- she's going to be the best person to really help you through this.

Online can only do so much -- I don't see you day in or day out, don't know the whole of your background, and so forth. She does, and she's trained to do this.


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Rio
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Thank you so much Miz Scarlet. I will ask.
-Rio

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