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Author Topic: When will he stop??
Lucky1402
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Ugggghh! I believe I have posted a message on here a long, long time ago about sexual harassment. About this guy who used to like me but I didn't like him back, and I told him I wanted to just be friends. Then the guy got jealous and started stalking me, spreading rumors that we were dating, breaking into my locker at school, constantly writing me love notes, putting his arm around me, and even kicking me when I wouldn't go out with him. Well, I told the principal and then he left me alone for awhile. I try not to hold a grudge, so if he says hi to me or something I say Hi back. BUT he's started being a jerk again! He follows me around during and after school, asks me out CONSTANTLY, and when I get a new boyfriend he always goes up to them and tells them that I am dumping them and going out with him! I hate it. Does anyone have anymore suggestions? I've already filed a report, and whenever I tell him to stop doing those things he starts kicking and pushing. What should I say to someone so immature? Thanks everyone.

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*^Lucky^*
"We have to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?"~ Lee Iococca
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."


Posts: 492 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
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Kicking and pushing? You mean he's actually getting physical with you after you've both filed a report on him and repeatedly asked him to leave you alone?

Honey, can you say "restraining order"? This guy sounds scary to me, and he evidently didn't get a permanent clue the first time. In your place, I'd tell him clearly, in front of witnesses, that his behavior is NOT acceptable, and that you will not be friends with him or anything else. Stop saying "hi". Report his renewed "attentions" to your school authorities and get your parents involved. Schools have been successfully sued for ignoring sexual harassment situations, so if the administrators have any brains whatsoever, they'll take you seriously. If need be, file a police report on him as well. Stand up to him firmly, and for heaven's sake, don't be alone with him if you can possibly avoid it. He's not "immature," he's warped.

This may sound extremist, I know, but I've know two people (my sister and a friend) who were harrassed and stalked. This is not something to be wishy-washy about; you need to take care of yourself.


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ron
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Just to reaffim Lady Moonlight. This is serious business and you should put your foot down firmly. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior, what he is doing is illegal and can land him in serious trouble--he better get the message quick.
Posts: 364 | From: San Cristobal de Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee
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How come none of your boyfriends have kicked the crap out of him yet? Is he some kind of badass or something? He must be if no one has stomped him yet. I think if I was dating a girl and some guy said she was dumping me for him, he'd get it right then and there.

If you trust your parents, have them go talk to his parents. Basically don't let him get away with this crap. He's a bully and is doing this because he can get away with it. The moment he is no longer able to he'll go look for another victim.

Lee


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Ella
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Okay, first of all in response to Lee, well-intentioned though the response was, violence is not the answer! Responding to harassment with assault is never a good policy. She could have her boyfriend talk to him, but any violence would simply result in a boyfriend being charged with assault.

Lucky, I think that you've responded in a VERY responsible manner. I think that if he isn't responding to your reasonableness you need to go back to the principal and perhaps even go farther this time. If it's progressed to physical violence, which is what kicking and pushing are, you may be best off if you go to the police and file a report. The thing about behaviour like that is that it often leads to more and more dangerous behavior.

You're acting like an adult, but he isn't, so I think you have to forget about being polite and let the authorities take it out of your hands. Be strong We'll be here for you, so tell us what happens, kay?


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StarryRedhead
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This semester I actually had to drop a class because of a stalker. I am a very friendly and open person to everyone and anyone, and because of that I've had a few guys get the wrong idea. This last guy not only pursued me but wouldn't leave me alone, he'd try to touch me all the time, everywhere I'd go he'd magically be there, he asked me out numerous times even though I made it clear that I was involved with someone, and then he'd even sit and talk with me and my guy! It made me extremely uncomfortable and I eventually ended up dropping my class to avoid him. Now if I see him I won't even look him in the eye.

And I have to agree with Lady Moonlight, this is a serious thing and you need to take the proper action. Guys like that can be a potential danger, especially with him pushing you. Someone needs to stop him, you have to. Talk to someone at school, your parents, this isn't just a normal guy who has a little crush. It sounds serious to me.

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You flicker. And you're beautiful. You glow inside my head. You hold me hypnotized, I'm mesmerized..."
My Webpage-Alisons Life


Posts: 367 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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My good friend is currently going through this. She is in the middle of ataining a restraining order. That, in my opinion is an excellent order of action. What he is doing is, atleast in Washington, illegal. I don't remember exactly which, but it is either an aggrivated misdemeanor or a class C felony. And if he breaks the restraining order, he is a world of trouble.

If you file a report with your local sheriff's department or police department, they'll have a record of previous complaints and that can make his punishment a little more severe.

He won't stop until you take drastic measures. I wish the best of luck to you to go through with it. I know it's going to be tough. But you can do it!!

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"If stupidity kills, then why aren't you dead? Obviously stupidity is a survival trait" -P.K. Dick


Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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I completely agree with the restraining order idea. That and definately go talk to the principal and your parents if you can. This is a big scary problem, and it's probably not going to get any better if you don't take some kind of definitive stand on it. You certainly don't have to go through this alone, there are people who can help you. My best friend and I went through something like this a while ago. She spent two months one summer basically as a prisoner in her own house because she was terrified of her stalker. She wouldn't tell anyone about it because not only was he obsessed with her, but apparently with me too. He threatened to hurt both of us if she told. When she finally broke down and told me, I was so mad about it! He called my house shortly thereafter and I told him that if he hurt her, I'd hunt him down and he wouldn't like what happened after that! I also insisted that she tell her parents, and she finally did. Her mom threatened him with a restraining order the next time he called their house, and he was never a problem for either of us since then. Now I will admit that my threatening to hunt him down was probably not the most intelligent thing to do, but when I heard his voice on my phone, the whole world got covered in a red haze, and the part of my brain that thought logically shut down for about 5 minutes. But my point was that she did something about it, she told somebody, and we got some help! You haven't done anything wrong, and you don't deserve to be treated like this! My advice would be to tell the proper people and get that restraining order...and if he starts saying nasty untrue things about you, then slap him with a suit for libel and defimation (sp?) of character! You seriously don't have to be taking abuse like this...mental or physical...and the only way it's going to stop is if you stand up to it.

~KittenGoddess

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"If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile."
~Lynda Barry


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Lady Moonlight
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quote:
Originally posted by KittenGoddess:
You seriously don't have to be taking abuse like this...mental or physical...and the only way it's going to stop is if you stand up to it.

KG makes a good point here. As I understand it, stalkers often get off on the power trip thing. Often, the only way they get a clue is when something powerful enough finally penetrates their brains. I'm not talking about violence (that's one option, but not one I'd recommend) but just something that finally trips a switch--whether it's the stalkee getting red-hot angry and telling the stalker off or the police slapping on handcuffs for violating a restraining order--and finally makes the power-trip game of stalking not worth the trouble.

Starry Redhed, I'm glad dropping the class was an acceptable solution for you. If it ever happens again, though, I'd take it to the professor, then the department head, then the dean--whoever it takes to finally back you up and clamp down on the jerk.


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Lee
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Ella:

I understand where you are coming from, but what you've got to understand is that in some situations violence is the answer. Violence is not pretty and it is not pleasant, but sometimes it is necessary. It would be nice if we lived in a world where every dispute could be solved through calm words and thoughtful reasoning, but we don't. There are among us those who don't listen to reason because their goal is to cause us pain and harm. Talking to them does nothing but egg them on. The only way to make them stop is to demonstrate to them through action that there will be serious consequences if they continue.

We are told from the time we are small children that violence isn't the answer. Well, that depends on the question. If the question is how to resolve a personal issue with someone who is ultimately rational and good natured, then violence is not necessary. But if the question is how to stop someone from hurting you who derives pleasure from doing so, then violence is the answer. Going and telling a teacher that so and so is hurting you is a stop-gap solution that ultimately eggs them on more. That teacher is not always going to be there to protect you. He or she has other things to do besides play kindergarten cop. There are lessons that guys learn on the playground at a young age. The first lesson is that the only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him. Even if that means that you get hurt, you still never ever back down. Bullies do what they do because there are no consequences, not penalties. The moment it becomes clear that to the bully that he might get hurt its not fun for him anymore. Girls don't learn these lessons the same way, but they still apply. This girl isn't in a position to physically intimidate her stalker the way he is doing to her. She needs someone else to do it for her. Why on earth none of her boyfriends have not done something about this guy by now I just don't understand. I'm not suggesting that someone put him in the hospital, that would be overkill and might ultimately backfire. Just enough physical force that he understands that if he continues that force will continue as well. At that point he'll stop because it simply won't be in his best interest to continue. Unless of course he's truly insane in which case I'd seriously seriously suggest that she get some pepper spray and start taking personal defense / martial arts classes. Actually she should do that regardless of whether this guy is a nut or not, its never a bad policy to be able to defend and protect yourself.

Lee


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KittenGoddess
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quote:
Originally posted by Lady Moonlight:
As I understand it, stalkers often get off on the power trip thing.

Lady Moonlight is absolutely right, alot of times it is about the power trip. My friend's stalker followed us around, said he was watching us, and had our houses bugged, stuff like that. It's like if he can't have you, he'll scare off everyone else and make you scared to even live your life. When I got so mad at him, I told him that I had figured out his little control game and we were both tired of playing it. My friend's mom also told him to "Not pass go and do not collect $200!"...well, except she used some other language added in there! But definately go get some help and stand up to this idiot, cause if he's doing this to you, then he's going to do it to someone else someday. And you may be helping out some other girl by letting the administration and authorities know that he has the potential to do this.

~KittenGoddess

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"If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile."
~Lynda Barry


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Ron
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I am sorry Lee but I think you are very mistaken. This isn't a case of boys on the playground punching the bully back. This is the real world and this person is violating the rights of this woman. If our society resorted to violence to solve these problems we would soon be in a living hell.

The only responsible way is to deal with such a person firmly long before violence enters the picture. Lucky must be protected and this creep has got to learn how to behave. Violence is exactly the example we don't want to give him.

[This message has been edited by Ron (edited 11-27-2000).]


Posts: 364 | From: San Cristobal de Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee
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Actually I think it is a case of a bully needing to be punched back. He's doing this because he can. He gets some kind of sadistic thrill out of causing this poor girl pain. How would you suggest that she make him stop? Go to her teachers or the school's administration? She's already done that, according to her own words:

"Well, I told the principal and then he left me alone for awhile."

Had that worked we wouldn't have anything here to talk about at all.

People who are not willing or able to defend themselves are always going to be the victims of those looking for someone they can easily vicitmize, which is exactly what this guy is doing.

The only way this guy is going to stop is if someone stops him. The best person to do this is Lucky herself. Short of that she needs someone close to her, who can act as a constant and consistent deterrent to defend her. If she trusts her parents, she needs to let them know. They can help. Obviously the principal already knows, but like I said he can't spend the day playing kindergarten cop. It's too bad she's not a guy, then she'd have at least a halfway decent chance of kicking this guy's *** herself a few times and putting an end to the situation. But unfortunately she's a girl and therefore less likely to be physically up to it. The truth is that this guy is a coward. Rather than harassing people who can put up a fight he goes after this girl, whose only means of counter-attack are by proxy. I personally think she needs to contact the police about this guy, file a report, possibly go to court and get a restraining order. Basically something that will go on this guys' record and possibly act as a warning flag in future situations.

Ultimately this is happening because she is allowing it to happen. She's letting him get away with this and ever hoping that he'll somehow stop on his own. I'm sorry but rabid dogs don't stop on their own.


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KittenGoddess
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Well I find it kinda insulting that someone finds it unfortunate that she's a girl. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a girl, and just because you're a girl doesn't mean that you can't physically defend yourself if it is necessary. I took a self defense course when I first moved to college and I was on my own. And the first thing they taught us is that if someone is bothering you, you should run and get help from the authorities...only fight back if there was absolutely no other option and you felt that your life was in danger at that very moment. And do you know why? Because these days kids carry guns and knives! If your harasser feels threatened he may strike out more violently and you, or someone you love, might end up dead! And furthermore...she did not ask for this to happen, and since she's asking for help, it's pretty apparent that she wants it to stop. If you've never been through harassment by someone else, you have no idea what kind of fear and unfounded shame it can put into you. You're scared to death that something reall is going to happen to you, and that people are going to judge you for it...like saying that you deserve it, or it's your fault for letting it happen. Personally, I think she should be applauded for looking for a reasonable way out of this situation.

~KittenGoddess

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"If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile."
~Lynda Barry

[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 11-28-2000).]


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Lee
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I don't think there is anything wrong with someone being a girl either. But the plain fact is, no girl is ever going to be a linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys. On average, a male is going to be physically stronger. This puts her at a disadvantage in a physical confrontation.

If you think I was saying anything other than this then I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

Lee


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live4travel
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Hey Lee, I know I may just be a kid compared to you, but I'd have to full heartedly agree with KG, Fighting is the last option. Because there Are people that will get the idea that you DO mean business...so they JUST might come back to take you OUT of business. So no, fighting would NOT be the answer because then everybody loses. Even the one that was being assaulted in the beginning. So she IS doign the right thing to ask for some advice on how to take care of this Rationally. She should get a restraining order, and have somebody that is older and can take care of it. Without the innocent getting hurt.
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Ella
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I think basically we've all come to a consensus here - get a restraining order! I think that you're right that the measures she's using aren't working Lee and you're also right that she needs to go beyond the level she's at, but I still think that getting someone to beat him up would be the wrong answer. First of all there are the legal implications. Assault is against the law and while it may seem to some like the best solution, it just will escalate the situation to a level that is not safe for Lucky or for anyone around her. I think you're second piece of advice (I think in your second post) was right on the money though. She should definitely go to the police before the harrassment gets worse! So Lucky, please do go to the appropriate authorities, what he's doing is against the law and he shouldn't continue and you should definitely go to the police.

Keep us all updated on your situation and good luck


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