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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Pregnancy Scares » He Doesn't Get It

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Author Topic: He Doesn't Get It
ladybug18
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Hi!

I just had unprotected sex, however I am on the pill. I am sure you have received many questions like this regarding when he came inside me during unprotected sex, could i be pregnant? I'm using birth control and I'm almost at the placebo pills (which should mean I'm getting my period)


The last month the condom keeps breaking. I didn't take Plan B, and I didn't get pregnant. I'm just really frustrated because my boyfriends excuse "it feels good" when really I could get pregnant, especially over this time. I was thinking, he would pull out youknow? he didn't.

I understand it was not smart of us to use unprotected sex, but this is the first time he came in me without having a condom that breaks.


Also, I'm on birth control and have been for 3 months now. My period seems irregular though. First month it came around the 19th, the second the 14nth and now it's still the first month of April and I might be getting my period this early?? (i'm near the placebo pills)


I'm just wondering could I be pregnant while on birth control and having unprotected sex? I also don't know how to reassure my boyfriend that what he thinks or keeps doing is wrong.

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ladybug18
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I understand as well I have posted the same topic but i'm just really wondering what other ways could i tell my boyfriend that it's not ok to do this because it's my life in my hands.. I know that there isn't a chance of my getting pregnant (but there could be just not that high)

How could i negotiate condom usage with him without it breaking all the time?

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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If you've asked him to pull out and he's not doing that I'm wondering if you really want to be having sex with this person at all?

I'm not sure there are many ways to tell a person something if they're refusing to listen, sadly. Do you think you have have been clear about what you want?

As per pregnancy, there is a very small chance... the same chance that people who use the pill as their only method (many of whom are totally happy with it). If you're still worried about it, it's probably best just to wait and take a test... but I'd be extremely surprised if it indicated anything but you not being pregnant.

But anyhow, my main concern really is with your partner seemingly not working with you on this. What were your thoughts on that? Have I misunderstood?

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Heather
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Did you two negotiate that he would use withdrawal in advance, and then he did not honor that agreement?

Condoms rarely break when stored and used properly. The last time you and I talked, I included a link that gave instructions for using condoms properly. Have you two, when he does use condoms, been following those instructions to the letter, but are still experiencing breaks?

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ladybug18
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I honestly have been VERY, VERY clear about this. His excuse tends to be "It felt good" but how? It's my life in my hands, and just because I'm on birth control does not mean I can be 100% not pregnant you know?

I have used plan B before, but I tend to not use it anymore because the mix up with my hormones, however I do know I'm not ovulating but still.

We have ALWAYS used condoms, sometimes they don't break but almost all the time they have been breaking. We have been looking at the link and been to the doctor, he puts it the right way every time and we just never know if it'll break or not.

Just this morning when we got carried away and used unprotected sex, I did tell him to pull out (even though I know it's wrong having sex without it) he didn't pull out. and YES we did negotiate about it and he didn't do it. He just really doesn't seem to understand because his excuse is "it feels good or I know you're on the pill"

I just don't know what to really do? I'm really angry, and frustrated because pregnancy or having a fright about it cannot happen right now. I'm on the third week of my birth control pills ( the last two ones) and will be continuing to the placebo pills in two days.

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Heather
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Okay. So, please understand then, that what your boyfriend did was not consensual. Reproductive coercion is the term we have to use to describe things like this - where a partner in some way intentionally thwarts pregnancy prevention efforts of another partner, especially someone who can become pregnant. That is an abuse, and as with anyone who has shown they will abuse you or others in any way, we simply would advise no longer being intimate with this person, period, because they have shown you they are not safe for you and cannot be trusted.

Too, if you have been using condoms properly, but they keep breaking? That is odd enough that given his other behaviours, I do not think you can be sure he is not messing with them.

You are right, this is your whole life and health he is messing with, and that is not okay. Someone who does not take that seriously, or thinks their sexual sensation is more important than your life? Just not someone to sleep with, period.

You have clearly set limits here, and he clearly has a pattern of ignoring them. He is not likely to change. Why stay with someone like that at all?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I would add that your title to this reflects the idea you have he just does not understand. I think you need to figure he does understand, but he just does not care.

After all, we do not have to understand a person's limits, or their reasons for them, to honor them. I strongly suspect this is not about not understanding so much as it is about his just not caring. Not understanding, alone, would not explain agreeing to withdraw with you then effectively tricking you each time by not doing that. Only not caring about your needs here explains that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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Thank you so much Heather for your reply,
reading it made my heart break just a little because it's true but it's just I love him so much but you're right, he needs to respect my needs as this is a huge thing.

Just by being on BC does not mean you cannot get pregnant. My question is, when the condom broke last month, i was about to take Plan B however, my doctor said I didn't need to, (thus, my period came)

However, this time, is it necessary to take plan B?
I have taking it 3 times in the past and this is why I cannot take it again.

Thank you for both of your replies Jacob and Heather, it really has helped me think.

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Heather
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I get how much it hurts to really love someone and have them not treat us with basic care, respect and love back. But I think it's important you deal with the reality that that is what is happening here. [Frown]

Birth control pills, like any method, are not 100% effective, so they do not mean you cannot become pregnant. Taken properly, however, they mean it is very highly unlikely. And no, if you are already taking the pill properly, there is no need for Plan B, because your pill not only does what is does, it does a bit more, and does it all more effectively.

But honestly, I think your solution to this isn't the right pill or Plan B: it's not sleeping with someone who disregards your limits and purposefully sabotages any method of birth control you want to use and feel you need, like condoms or withdrawal.

In other words, we wouldn't be here right now if you were instead choosing a partner who treated you with care and respect and used condoms -- and properly, and without sabotaging -- like you want and need for your peace of mind. And the good news is, with someone who earnestly has real respect for you, and sees you as at least as important as two seconds of their own pleasure, that is an easy given, not a struggle.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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Oh Heather if I could just give you a crazy big hug from where I am. [Frown]

It's really hard to un-love someone, it's going to take a lot of time for me to get through this, because he isn't safe for me. Especially since isn't the first time i have told him not to do this, yet he goes behind my back. It just sucks because I have given him so much, and right now he's telling me not to talk to him because I flipped out over what he did and that he does not care?

However, I do have the right to flip out about this don't I? I mean what if he had no idea I missed a pill or not taking it on time properly. I had to take plan B and BC 3 times because of these scares with him, and you're right, I can't do this, it's not right at all.


Yes I completely understand what your saying about the pills!
I do just need "peace" in me. Every time something like this happens, I can't think or speak or just be happy.

Thank you, especially the last part really struck me. "ith someone who earnestly has real respect for you, and sees you as at least as important as two seconds of their own pleasure, that is an easy given, not a struggle."

Especially because I'm a college student, I have my whole life ahead of me, and I cannot stay with someone that just isn't safe for me.

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Heather
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The fact that keyboards still lack a "hug" button is a longtime source of annoyance for us, too. [Smile]

One thing I find helpful in situations like these is knowing we do not HAVE to un-love someone.

We can have love for someone and still not engage with them in ways that are unsafe for us, unhealthy for us, and perhaps most of all, require that we are NOT loving someone: we are not loving ourselves. And if we are not loving ourselves? We can't actually love anyone else very well in the first place.

This sounds like a pretty unsafe person -- especially if he is also reacting with anger or withholding contact when you call him out on what he is doing here -- and someone who honestly is not safe or sound to stay involved with. I also like to remind people that doing what we can to help people we love not do harm to anyone? That IS loving them. Far more loving than helping them to do harm, if you follow me.

I'm not surprised you are having a hard time finding feelings of peace: in a lot of ways, that's actually good, because if someone feels peaceful in dynamics like this, it means they are accepting poor treatment, and that's never a good thing.

So, what can I do to help and support you, moving forward from here?

[ 04-05-2014, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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Now that I think about it, he is very unsafe. Knowing that his excuse is usually it "feels good" or just by putting the blame on me, makes me realize he is not the right one for me, and I shouldn't even bother trying to talk to him about this if he really well, isn't cooperating.

It also seems like if he ever did get me pregnant, I feel like he wouldn't be there, when he really should be.

Honestly Heather, I feel like your replies have brought me closer to "peace" It's just I don't know how to "move on" from this or from him. How can I just breathe and focus on myself and my studies? without having to think about him constantly or thinking about this situation.

I feel like maybe I just need to be positive, love myself, love life, and really I don't need people like this in my life. I want someone that respects me, takes me as i am, someone that's safe for me.

What do you think?

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Heather
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I think that with some tiny edits, one thing you said here maybe needs to be a note you print and keep up somewhere visible you can see every day:

"I need to be positive, love myself, love life, and really I don't need people like this in my life. I want someone that respects me, takes me as i am, someone that's safe for me."

Seriously, this is your manifesto, and it is a GREAT one. I think if you make your choices in life in alignment with that, you really cannot go wrong. I suggest you make that your new criteria for All The Things, certainly including intimate relationships.

I have a feeling that once you are out of this, you'll find that focusing on yourself, your studies and other things you care about in life, and having healthier relationships will get a lot easier, and probably fast.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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I think I'm about to do that right now [Smile] because I do believe in this "you attract what you think."

Thank you SO much, for everything. You have truly made my day brighter.

[Smile]

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Heather
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Btw, we have a behind-the-scenes channel for volunteers while we are working, and we are all seriously admiring you right now. [Smile]

You're very welcome, glad to be of help. feel free to pop back as you need if you need any extra support or cheerleading!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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Omg ahh i love you guys [Smile]

Thank you again! I will def be coming back if I ever EVER need anything [Smile]

Thanks so much for your support!

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Heather
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Also: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/50/t/000143.html

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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I think that has been one of the best things I have ever seen in my whole entire life!

That support that you have given me is really helping getting through the day [Smile]

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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So happy to have helped too ladybug.

I'm looking forward to hearing how it turns out when, as Heather says, you pin up your manifesto and make all the awesome things happen [Big Grin]

[ 04-05-2014, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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ladybug18
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Yes thank you BOTH so so much [Smile]

I will def let you both know how it turns out [Smile]

(also, my manifesto is already up on the walls of my dorm room!)

yay!

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