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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Think I Just Need Validation. (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Think I Just Need Validation.
Fauna16Maude
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Hello Sam,

First and foremost, about my meeting today: the counselor we met with said tomorrow he'll send me a list of local psychologists who can test me for Asperger's. I pretty much already know which one I prefer to see since he said where each psychologist's office is located, but just to be really sure I'm confident with my decision I opted to look at the whole list and then go from there. So sort of progress [Smile]

Also, I actually save pretty much all my emails except for little ones that aren't really important, so I already have all my emails from J, even ones from 2 years ago long before we dated, as it is. If he were to try and contact me, I could probably use my account's various labeling features and mark any emails he sends me with little stars or with a label that says "personal" or "important" (or I could even make up my own label) so they'll be easier to find. And also, I think that once I send this I'll send my big vent since it's finished, so then it'll make sense why he thinks I left him for someone else who's younger than him.

I knew at the time J made those comments that something was very wrong, but I just chose to avoid it -- I really didn't want to have to accept I was probably getting into another bad relationship, let alone that it'd be J who was the perpetrator that time. And honestly, the way he said it sounded so sweet (at least compared to the very brash threats of "If you don't do this you don't love me, you're making me wait, I'll leave you and you'll end up getting beat up" made by my other ex) I didn't realize it was wrong. But even though it's getting easier as time passes to accept it was a bad relationship, hearing you confirm that it was so very un-OK for J to make such remarks helped. So thanks, I think? ha ha. And also, about what J said about his bad relationship: I felt bad about what J had been through and thought, as he implied when he said maybe that ex "rubbed off" on him, he'd just learned his ways from her (my other ex had learned his abusive ways towards women from his dad, who I am almost completely positive abuses his mom), and even though that unfortunately happens it still isn't my fault and something that should've never happened. I did feel a little hurt (and confused) J would not tell me about how the ex raped him for so long because of my own trauma, but I'm trying to get over that.

I agree explaining things how I did w/you would help with my best friend, especially since her reaction will probably make for a strong indicator as how I should handle the friendship from my side of things for a while. I admit I'm scared of how she'll react, especially how she just reacted the other day with the phone call to my aunt, but I do want to try talking with her about things, so I think maybe I'll try to in the next few days.

If you don't mind, I'm going to send my big vent session now. It's extremely long and very ugly, but I'd really appreciate some feedback from someone who doesn't directly know me or anyone involved (unbiased) (even though you do know me a little by now, ha ha), so I'll send it now. A little scared to, though, since it's really emotional [Frown]

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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Fauna16Maude
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Hello again,

I know I’ve been saying I have another part of the story to vent about, so that is what I’m going to do now. This part of the story involves a male (former) friend of mine – I’ll call him “D,” since I think that’s different enough from “J” to not confuse the two, ha ha.

D and I became friends in fall 2012. We had so much in common – music tastes, hobbies, etc. I did have a crush on him, I admit, but it was more than just that – I saw in him everything I didn’t or couldn’t see in J (we would’ve been dating for about 4 months by then). I refused to admit I was unhappy with J, though, not just because I didn’t want to believe I was unhappy, but because I didn’t fully realize just how unhappy (and unhealthy) the relationship was for me. Regardless, I felt almost like even though D and I had known each other only for a short amount of time compared to how long I knew J, I felt happier with him even just as a friend than I did with J. But I refused to admit that, so I didn’t.

As my senior year of high school went on, D and I became really good friends – I know I probably seem like I throw this title around a lot, but I considered D a best friend, especially since J seemed to grow more and more distant from me emotionally and more and more interested in me sexually as time went on. D said he also considered me one of his best friends. D told me some things about himself that I had in common with him in a “deeper” sense, too – D dealt with pretty bad depression, had self-harmed, had lost a close family member to substance abuse (my mother died when I was 4 from an overdose of antidepressants), and had been in some unhealthy, if not abusive, relationships as well. D had seen me at some of my worst times – towards the end of the school year, he helped me to the nurse’s office a couple times when I had panic attacks, and shortly after graduation, he stayed up with me all night (literally – until about 6:30 a.m.) emailing me because I was having a really PTSD-y night.

A couple weeks after graduation, I was talking to D because he’d been having a lot of bad days around that time. Basically, he was in a relationship similar to how mine was with J, and, like me, he was afraid to leave his gf because he had invested so much in it emotionally. D didn’t want to accept that all he’d gotten in return was emotional/verbal abuse, much like I couldn’t accept that I’d put so much emotionally into my relationship with J and had pretty much chased after him for years just to be sexually taken advantage of by him in return. Anyway, D was really upset because his gf had been verbally abusing him for most of the evening, and he ended up admitting to me that he had had feelings for me for a while (he told me a few months before that he’d had a crush on me since around the time we met, and I admitted I’d had a crush on him since around the time we met as well, but we just left it at that because he was happy with his gf at the time/I was with J and we just wanted to be honest about our feelings). I told D I did want to tell him eventually just in the interest of being honest, but I didn’t know when because D had a gf (and I was with J): I returned his feelings. I told D I was happy with J and wasn’t about to leave him any time soon even if D ended up leaving his gf, but I’m pretty sure through what he said and how he acted D knew I really wasn’t happy with J.

D and I didn’t talk for about 2 weeks after that, and when we did, D told me his gf broke up with him. Around that time, my grandfather’s health had been declining, and also J was growing more emotionally distant than ever. I was extremely stressed out because, in addition to J being so distant and SO interested in sex even though he knew what I had going on, I was taking care of my grandfather (he can be considered to be emotionally abusive towards me at times) and trying to housekeep as well since my dad worked 11 hours a day. D and I never mentioned what we’d talked about a few weeks before, but we became closer because he was pretty much the only friend I could talk to. I never told him about J.

In the end of July is when J attempted penetrating me. It happened the day before he left for a week-long trip with a group from his college and 1 week after my grandfather came home from the 2nd of 4 hospitalizations in a 4-month period. I was really glad that the place J and his friends were staying at didn’t have Wi-Fi (he couldn’t email me), as I was really confused over what he’d done and my feelings I had in response to it. I had a really rough week after that – that week was when my self-harm relapse happened (I cut several times over a period of a few days), and also I had a really, really bad panic attack when my dad and I went out to lunch. Also, I went through another one of what I call my “starvation periods”: ever since things happened with my abusive ex-bf, I would, every so often, lose interest in eating no matter how hungry I felt and hardly eat (they usually last about 1 week). I’d been telling D about my grandfather, and I told him about how depressed/anxious (and panicky) I was feeling. He was always there and reminded me things would eventually be OK; I just had to keep holding on.

The day before J returned from his trip, I asked D if I could come over to his house (we’d been trying since school ended to arrange a day we could hang out, but our plans always fell through). He said he’d be happy to have me over, and we could watch movies together and just spend the day with each other. I didn’t eat anything but a peach around 10 or 11 AM, and I didn’t eat again until about 7 that night, because I was still in starvation mode. So when I got to D’s house, he was really understanding that I didn’t feel very well – because I hadn’t been eating right (I told him I’d lost some weight, but I didn’t tell him it was because I was too upset to eat), I hadn’t been sleeping right, and I was just exhausted from caring for my grandfather and the house. Honestly, even though D and I were just friends, it felt weird (albeit in a good way) when D said I could just lay down and he would sit with me and I didn’t have to do any sexual favors when I not only didn’t want to, but also felt really terrible physically (and mentally). I didn’t cry, but I did tell D I’d been cutting. He felt really bad and told me he didn’t want me to cut and he would be there for me to talk to if I had an urge to cut. It was such a relief hearing D say that because the last time I’d cut (almost exactly a year earlier), J made me promise him I would never, ever cut again (he didn’t know that I’d cut in the summer of 2012, let alone that I was cutting myself as I read the email he sent telling me to never cut again). Also, the whole thing about me telling my best friend about my relapse and her having a bad reaction happened a week after I hung out with D, so his reaction brought even more comfort after that happened and kept me from cutting even more when I had urges to considering he was the only friend who was understanding and calm when I told him. Anyway, to make a long story short, we admitted to each other we still had our feelings for each other, and we deeply kissed (“made out”) a few times (I initiated it the very first time it happened, so even though D kissed me back I feel uncomfortable saying it was mutually consensual, but every time it happened after that, D initiated things).

I felt super guilty about not just what I did, but how I felt, regarding D because I was still with J. I also felt really confused – I knew I was unhappy with J even though I didn’t yet realize he was abusing me, so how could I not only feel for D in a way I had never felt for J, but how could D apparently reciprocate my feelings and not expect sexuality in return? I tried to justify my feelings of guilt by telling myself that J had repeatedly shown signs of unfaithfulness throughout our entire relationship (he slept over an ex-gf’s house and drank with her and wasn’t very clear about things when he told me what happened/he acted flirtatious with a different ex-gf in front of me, in addition to other things he did), but it didn’t really help. However, that was around when I started realizing just how unhappy I was – looking at The Abusive Partner Checklist on the message boards here for a reference, J sometimes got jealous over petty matters between me and other males (e.g., a teacher at school he knew I had a little crush on, the friend I mentioned with severe Asperger’s because I wanted to ask him for advice on a broken flash drive) (in fact, J even said he was jealous over my abusive ex-bf because he got to be sexual with me before J did), he was always kind of critical of how I wore my makeup, he would make fun of a scar I’ve got on my nose (from acne) when he knew it hurt my feelings when he did that, he sometimes acted jealous in a guilt-trippy way when I spent time with other friends regardless of their gender, he would indirectly put me down about my vegetarianism by using negative stereotypes to describe vegetarians, and he was really good at making me feel naïve and/or stupid. I didn’t come across this website until a while after I got out of the relationship, but I thought about these things (even though I didn’t realize J was being unhealthy/abusive towards me). I knew I had to get out of the relationship, but I didn’t know how (in every relationship I’ve been in, my bf asked me out and broke up with me), and combining my realizations about J’s behavior with how he treated me sexually, I really didn’t want to have to deal with all the emotions, especially since I was interested in D. So I didn’t tell D anything about J (he didn’t even know if I was still dating J or not) and ignored J as much as I could.

For the next few days after D and I hung out, we pretty much acted like bf and gf. In fact, one day, I’d had an extremely bad day – my grandfather called me fat and got mad at me when I couldn’t do all the things he wanted me to do in one day, and my dad got mad at me when I tried telling him I couldn’t do everything and also made fun of me when I was crying. When I tried talking to J about things, he pretty much ignored me and was more worried about when we’d see each other again than the fact I was crying my eyes out. I told D everything, and he stayed up with me until I felt better enough to go to sleep. One day, D finally asked me if I was still with J or not, and I told him I was, but I was extremely unhappy – in addition to J ignoring me and in general disregarding my wishes and interests, he forced me into sex and sometimes made me feel like I owed him sex (although I didn’t really say all this in a direct way). D was pretty upset, and I apologized to him for leading him on and making him think he’d get a chance with me. I also tried explaining that I did want a relationship with him, but one that wasn’t sexual in any way – it came out all wrong, though, and I referred to it as pretty much a friendship with romantic features. D acted even more hurt, but he went on to tell me that I should be happy we got to be together even if only for a short time. However, it confused me when, after I asked D what he’d want to have happen once I leave J which I was hoping would be really soon even though I didn’t really know how to go about doing that, he implied he did want to date me. Anyway, throughout this conversation I had with D, J was trying to talk to me about sex, ignoring me when I said I didn’t want to talk about sex and calling me “no fun.” I snapped and told him I’d had enough, I couldn’t do it anymore, I was sick of sex and being ignored and having everything I said turned into a joke. So J tried guilt-tripping me into apologizing, and it worked…D was really supportive throughout that whole conversation with J and continued talking to me like his gf, which I interpreted as a sign he really was a true friend because despite everything I’d put him through he still wanted to be there for me.

D had a lot of things come up, so we didn’t talk again until 3 weeks after that conversation we had. J and I broke up 5 days after that conversation. He was the one who suggested we terminate the relationship, but we agreed it was on mutual terms. I never told him about what happened with D, not just because I felt guilty, but also because he’d talked to me in a way that made me feel really afraid of what he’d do if he found out: I don’t know what possessed me to tell J this. But I told J a couple minutes after we broke up that I was really unsure, to say the least, about dating him again (he was adamant we would date a 3rd time and insisted we “took a break” from our relationship even though we’d just confirmed we were no longer bf and gf), especially after the way he’d treated me for over a year, and also I owed myself happiness, especially since I allowed myself to miss out on so many opportunities for so many years in case J was interested in dating me again after our first breakup: I was interested in dating D, especially since he’d been such a good (and honestly, sometimes the only) friend throughout all the things I went through with my family and when my relationship with J first started falling apart when I tried telling him I’d had enough. (J had known about D since around when we became friends, and he met him once – after my high school graduation – and asked D in front of me very explicit questions about his sexual experiences and told him other things I could tell were making D uncomfortable.) J was FURIOUS. He pretty much stopped just short of calling me a whore, he accused me of cheating on him (how was I supposed to tell him, then, I actually *had* cheated on him?), he told me to never, ever do that again no matter how much I wanted to. So I felt even guiltier about what I did with D.

The week after J and I broke up was when he sent the email I mentioned in which he said he purposely got us to have sex in hopes it would emotionally distance me from him. I’d been emailing D left and right about what was happening and how I felt because he was really the only friend I could talk to about everything (my best friend was kind of distant around this time because she was preparing for college, and also I was honestly still a little sore over her reaction to my telling her I’d had a self-harm relapse). Like I said, I didn’t talk to him again until he emailed me 3 weeks after our last conversation, a couple days after school started again. I apologized to him for everything I’d done, but he told me he wasn’t mad and apologized for not being there and making me think he was avoiding me. We discussed dating again: I admitted I still had feelings for him, and he said he still had feelings for me but preferred to wait a little bit before we dated since we hadn’t spoken in weeks and also I was still upset about J. (D said he wasn't ready to be "more than friends" yet.) I tried asking D if he had said he wanted to date me because he felt obliged to or because he thought I was guilt-tripping him, and he said he felt like I was pressuring him and asked me couldn’t we just have a normal conversation. I felt really bad, so we had a regular conversation – D didn’t talk to me like I was his gf anymore, but he did drop little hints he still had feelings for me.

The week after was when I started realizing J had sexually abused me. My biggest concern was, since I didn’t think about sti’s and knew pretty much nothing about them, I’d given D something when we kissed. The day I started making the realization J abused me, D called me an affectionate name and dropped more hints he had feelings for me, just like he had throughout the past week. D wasn’t able to talk to me again until 4 days later, and I told him about what J did (he agreed it was sexual abuse) and that I was terrified of having given him an infection(s), especially since J had had me frequently perform oral sex on him. D said he was worried but was pretty sure he didn’t have any oral infections; he also said that if he did develop symptoms, he would say he kissed someone else when he told his mom. I told D I’d rather he be honest and tell his mom it was me who infected him if he developed symptoms, but he insisted he wouldn’t say it was me so I wouldn’t look bad. When I told D I felt particularly bad about potentially infecting him because I had such strong feelings for him, he rhetorically asked me I loved him a lot (although he said after that that he loved me too) and changed the subject. I thought he was just uncomfortable because of the sti thing, so I let it go. A couple days later, D and I were planning on hanging out (I was going to go over his house), and my dad said he would take me over his house. But when he talked to my aunt on the phone as he was getting ready to leave and she brought it up that D was still a legal minor, whereas I’m a legal adult, he started shouting my name and tried busting into my room (I’d locked the door because I was changing clothes), saying indirectly I’m having sex with D and how “creepy” I am and how screwed up that was. He left the house shouting I “had to be” having sex with D and how creepy I am/it was. Honestly, to this day I don't know why my dad reacted like that just because my aunt brought up D's younger than me -- my dad had known the whole time he's younger than me, and he'd always been really supportive of our friendship. (However, he accuses me of having sex with any male I hang out with even though he knows I've only dated J and my other ex.) D was really upset when I told him my dad thought we were having sex, but he didn’t really get how upset I was and, when I told him about what my cousin said when I tried telling her about J and asked if he thought my anger towards her reaction was reasonable, he felt like our conversations were always so stressful. D seemed really distant during our conversation the day after that and stopped talking to me out of nowhere in the middle of the conversation.

The day after that conversation with D in which he seemed really distant and out of nowhere stopped talking to me, I found out (my best friend told me all this) he started dating a girl he apparently had known for about 3 weeks the day before. My best friend also told me that shortly before D started talking to me again right after school started, he confided in her that even though he didn’t want to have to admit it, he feels like I’m obsessed with him and/or emotionally dependent on him, and it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable and stressed out. D himself never told me about his gf. I told him a couple days later I had an appointment with my GYN in a few weeks, as well as when she said I would’ve had symptoms if I had an oral infection and I didn’t want D making the same mistakes I had and should get regular sti testing – he said in response I’m “full of worries.” That was the last time I’ve heard from D. I haven’t emailed him since the beginning of October to tell him the only things I could’ve given him are cold sores and HPV, and he never responded. As far as I know, he and his gf are still together. In fact, if they are, today would be their 3-month anniversary.

I had to stop writing after that last paragraph for a while because I broke down sobbing. I really don’t know how to feel, or what I feel. I’m going to state the things I do feel whether or not I think they’re reasonable or even rational, just because I’ve never told anyone all my feelings about this yet. I feel like I really shouldn’t feel jealous and hurt because D‘s still maturing, although I feel like saying that makes every person who’s still in high school look immature or bad. And that he really can’t be blamed for not wanting to date me or even be friends with me because I pushed him away with all my emails I sent him and how I’m always such an emotional mess. I feel like I shouldn’t feel hurt because D said he wanted to *wait* before we dated, but at the same time I feel my hurt’s justified because while he didn’t say “I want to date you,” he certainly had me under the impression he wanted to be my bf, just not yet. I know a romantic relationship probably isn’t something for me right now considering how I’m still affected by J and probably will be for a while even if I am able to get into counseling soon, but I still feel hurt that not only did D never tell me about his gf or even that he wasn’t interested in dating me anymore, but he just stopped talking to me, even though I feel like I can’t really blame him. I feel like this is all my fault. (Grr I’m crying again [Frown] ) I can see why D thought I was obsessed/enmeshed with him, but I wish he knew that coming across that way wasn’t my intention at all. I feel like I’m just as bad as my abusive ex-bf: D might have had way more romantic and (I think) sexual experience than me even though he’s younger than me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything because since he’s younger than me I feel like I took advantage of him, I manipulated and brainwashed him into something he wasn’t yet able to know if he wanted or was OK with even if we never had any sexual contact and I held no intentions of being sexual with him in the event we did date. I had bought him a lot of presents I thought he would like, none of which I ever got to give him (although he knew I’d bought him presents), and he also knew I was still working on a then-10-page letter to him about my feelings (I continued writing it long after I found out about his gf and only recently stopped writing just because it got too painful), so I feel like accepting I did manipulate him is inevitable. The fact I couldn’t even take care of myself sexually makes me feel even worse about everything because if I really cared about D I would’ve thought about the possibility of transmitting an infection by kissing him, let alone how he probably felt confused about what he wanted or felt by me kissing him. What really scares me is since I’ve been having potential HPV symptoms genitally, I probably had the virus orally too if I do have warts (even though my GYN said if I had *any* oral infections I would’ve had symptoms by now) – I’m sooooo scared D might’ve passed an infection on to his gf. That would be all my fault. I used to get cold sores as a child, and my GYN said I might’ve fought it off and possibly gotten it again from J and just don’t know yet (if I ever will), so that really scares me I could’ve also given D cold sores since I’m pretty sure he never got them before. I feel like I used him and was never there when he needed something. And that I never should’ve even gotten my hopes up of dating him, anyway: how could I expect D to want to date me when I’d been hiding it from him I was still in a relationship? And also, I know this is my PTSD talking, but I feel like the only value I have towards boys is sexual value, so by not wanting (and legally not being able) to be sexual with D, I was totally worthless anyway. Honestly, I don’t want to misuse the term, but I feel like I’ve got PTSD from everything that’s happened with D as well as with J. I think it’s because I could’ve given D an infection (and may have, since like I said I haven’t heard from him in over 2, almost 3 months). Just hearing or seeing his gf’s name (since it’s a fairly common name) somewhere really upsets me. In fact, I’ve got a long-distance friend with the same name, and I haven’t spoken to her in forever just for the sake of avoiding the name. I feel really arrogant that just hearing D’s gf’s name somewhere upsets me because it makes me feel like I’m upset because I have to face the fact someone was better than me for D. I have a really hard time sleeping anymore, and sometimes when I’m lying awake in the middle of the night I get this cycle of thoughts about things regarding D that replays over and over and grows worse and worse, and no matter what I do I can’t make it stop. So I end up crying myself back to sleep. I have bad dreams/nightmares at least every other night about D, in addition to my very frequent bad dreams/nightmares about J. I know I mentioned my agoraphobia has flared up again, but honestly it isn’t just because I’m so scared of running into J. I’ scared that if I run into D it’ll upset him and make him feel/think of things he’d much rather not. And, of course, it’ll be really upsetting for me, too. I think it’s likely after everything I’ve put him through that he hates me, and not only can I not blame him, I almost expect him to. I feel like I mess everything up no matter how good my intentions are. At the same time, even though I feel like it’s obvious why he stopped talking to me – why would he want to be friends with someone who led him on while in a relationship with someone else and who could’ve given him 2 incurable stis? – I keep asking myself where I went wrong, what I did that made D stop talking to me altogether. I feel really stupid and arrogant in asking myself that because I feel like it’s so obvious why he stopped talking to me/lost interest in dating me. But at the same time, I remember right around when D and I became friends, a girl who had really strong feelings for him told him she had feelings for him and she wanted to date him, and he kind of gave her the runaround and never dated her (long story short, this girl had to move out of our town at a very short notice, and the week after, D started dating another girl) – but to this day they are still very close friends even though I think the girl still wanted to date D for a while after he started dating his gf. I keep trying to tell myself that D probably just had stronger feelings for his gf than he did for me and I have to accept he rejected me, but I still feel like I did so many things wrong and hurt D really badly. And of course, even though he hurt me really badly, I feel bad about what I did to J. I still am having a hard time accepting I cheated on and betrayed J. That said, I feel really guilty about feeling jealous and betrayed by D because I did the same thing to J and, in a way, to D. I don’t know why this whole thing with D is affecting me so much. But I feel like I did so many things wrong and could’ve negatively affected him long-term (i.e., infection, manipulating him). I’ve only told a few friends (most of whom, as it’d turn out, don’t talk to me anymore, sigh) about what happened with D, and they all had the same reaction: I’ll move on eventually, he just wasn’t the right boy for me, I’ll find love again. But they don’t get it. They don’t get it at all. D was so much more than just a romantic interest. He was a best friend. And I feel like I did so many things that would hurt D and make him never want to talk to me again. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time moving on -- he was a best friend, not just a love interest, and I feel like I've done so many hurtful things to him. Like I said, though, I don’t know why this is all affecting me to such a severe degree.

I could say more about my feelings, but I’m sobbing hysterically now, so I’m going to stop here and find some chocolate. I know you’re not really supposed to eat unhealthy food when you’re upset, but maybe it’ll help me calm down because I’ll have to be careful not to choke. I’m really sorry this ended up being so long.

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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Sam W
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Hi Faunamaude,

Glad the preliminary counseling stuff is going well. I hope it continues to do so, and I hope writing to your BF provides you with some valuable info.

As for your D situation, I am sorry to hear how everything played out. I can really suck to lose someone who was a big part of your support and who you were close to, especially when you only find out there reasons for disconnecting second-hand. I think your feelings around what happened with D are definitely something to discuss in counseling, especially since they are interlinked with your feelings around what happened with J and your other ex.

In terms of contacting D and your fears around him having contracted something, you've done all you can do on that front. You've told him that you have had a risk and that it is in his best interest to get tested and be careful. What he chooses to do with that information is up to him. Beyond that, you can honor his decision to not contact you . I think what's important here is to start working through and letting go of your guilt for what happened. Considering how J was treating you, it's not ridiculous or horrible that you'd be drawn to someone who was being kind to you. I think it's worth keeping in mind that sometimes, something that helps people in abusive relationships try to get out is having a relationship like the one that you had with D, one that shows that reminds them that they are worthy of kindness.

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Redskies
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Hi, Faunamaude, I hope it's ok with you for me to chip in too.

It's brave of you to put down all of those feelings, especially the ones you think aren't reasonable and rational. I hope that doing that helped you, even if it made you sob. Sometimes, facing big feelings is very hard and has a big impact on us emotionally, and it was still a helpful and healing thing to do. I hope this was like that for you.

I'd like to address a few of the things you wrote a little later on. I want to say to you - though I think you know already - that what your dad said and did about you and D was absolutely not ok. No-one should assume that someone is having any kind of sexual contact, and they definitely should not insist on it, shout about it and try to bust into the room. That's quite scary and threatening behaviour, and quite demeaning. You have every right to feel upset about it.

I think it's important to consider laws around the age of consent, and to be very mindful of them simply because of legal ramifications, for a start. However, if we're talking about two people who are very close in age where one is just over that age and one just under, I don't think there is any reason to think of the older one as a "creep" just because of the age issue. So, maybe you can try to let that go when thinking of yourself? Is there anything that would help you let it go? It was wrong of your dad to say that to you, and frankly, he had no reason to other than whatever issues of his own that's making him behave unkindly more generally.

I'm really not seeing anything that you've described that sounds like you manipulating D at all. It sounds like he only did what he wanted to do, and you did not trick or mislead him into anything. It's possible that the interaction between you and D had some parts of unhealthy in it, as that can be the way when both people are in independently rough places. In these situations, it can be earnestly no-one's fault and simply a product of the hard times each person is in. It's also really, really important to know that "unhealthy" is really different to "abusive". "Unhealthy" can just mean that people, for whatever reason, are just not all-round good for each other right then, with absolutely no abuse in the picture at all. For people who've experienced an abusive relationship - whether that's a romantic or familial relationship - particularly when they're still in or not far out of that relationship, it can be a feature that they worry they're abusing someone else or that they're just like their abuser. I guess that's just one of the cornucopia of messed-up effects abuse can have. So, you feeling or fearing that you might be or have been like J doesn't in any way mean that you are or were.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Fauna16Maude
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Hello again,

Before I discuss anything else, I want to voice my other concerns…I just don’t really know where to start.

I haven’t heard from my best friend in almost 2 weeks since I emailed her after she called my aunt. I don’t know what to say to her, or how to say anything.

I know I keep saying I’m not OK…I suppose I should elaborate somewhat. I’ve never felt so afraid in my entire life. Of what’s happening to me, of what I’m becoming, of what may happen in the future. I don’t recognize myself anymore. Yet no one even knows how I’m feeling. I don’t know how to tell my dad I need help. And I’m scared to get help. I am so, so afraid of opening up to someone, let alone a complete stranger, about all my feelings about everything, so I’m terrified to start counseling even though I know I need it. I feel like I should be psychiatrically hospitalized (I’ve been psychiatrically hospitalized 3 times in my life for panic disorder, depression, and PTSD after we found out we couldn’t press charges against my abusive ex), but telling my story to someone new each and every day (since the hospitals I was in switched out staff members every day), and having to share it with other patients, when I haven’t even told my whole story to anyone aside from on here and my best friend (who can only see parts of my story from her perspective anyway) really scares and upsets me. I don’t even know how I could be hospitalized anyway when everyone thinks I’m OK. Like I said, I don’t know how to tell my dad how I’m feeling, let alone what J did to me, that I’ve been self-harming worse than I ever have in my life for more than 4 months (I started regularly self-harming around the time J and I broke up), that a few nights last week I swallowed a dose of over-the-counter sleeping pills that’s higher than the recommended dosage. I am not sure you could go as far as to say it was a suicide attempt – I only took 1 pill over the recommended dosage – however, considering the fact a lot of sources (including doctors) say you shouldn’t take the pills at all if you’ve got a heart problem, especially an arrhythmia (I have an arrhythmia), I suppose you could say I did swallow the pills fully acknowledging doing so could *possibly* kill me or at least have some sort of medical effects on me since I have a medical problem they say could be worsened if you take the pills, and I suppose I would be lying if I denied I was hoping I wouldn’t wake up the following morning. (For what it’s worth, the last time it happened was I think Thursday or Friday, and ever since Saturday I’ve been feeling sick – I don’t know if I’ve got a touch of the annual winter stomach bug or what, but they do say that nausea and stomach pain and dizziness/feeling dissociated are overdose symptoms. I did feel my arrhythmia act up a few times since then, but I'm not sure if it was because of the medicine or just an anxiety thing.) I just don’t know what to do, or what I want to have happen, or where to turn. I feel so alone – I’ve lost all my friends and I don’t know what’s going to come of my relationship w/my best friend considering how things have been between us and her relationship with her gf is becoming more serious. I feel like I can’t trust anyone, not even my family. I’m so scared. I never, ever thought I'd say these words and mean it, but while I do want to try and keep going I'd also be OK with giving up, with not being here anymore if you know what I mean...

I know you can’t offer advice about self-harm and suicidal ideation/tendencies or anything like that, but thanks for listening to me venting about things just the same. It’s nice to know that even though you may have never met me you’re still here to listen when I need someone.

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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Sam W
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Hi Faunamaude,

I am so sorry that you've been feeling like this. I want to stress that there's nothing abnormal in feeling low and lost, especially given all the stressors you've had to cope with in the last few months.

However, the fact that your self-harm behaviors are increasing tells me that that counseling and other outside help and support is needed. It sounds like you know this but, as you said, you're scared that opening up may result in more stress. If it helps to think of it this way, you've been very candid (and strong) in opening up to us here. In opening up to a counselor, you'd be doing the same thing you do with us here, but the person you are opening up to is also trained with the specific tools to help you sort through and combat the stressful thoughts running through your mind.

You're correct when you say we're not specially trained to offer advice on self harm. Do you have access to self-harm hotline (either phone or chat)? That may be a good resource to have on hand when you start feeling the emotions to self-harm. And, with these resources, you would only have to disclose as much info as you felt comfortable disclosing, so you wouldn't have to go into any details of the J situation unless you felt that doing so would be helpful.

Going forward, I want to reiterate that I am glad you feel safe opening up to us. And, as always, we are here whether you need to vent or need advice.

As of now, what would you find most helpful in terms of what we can do for you?

[ 12-23-2013, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Fauna16Maude
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Hello again,

A lot of things happened these past few days so I'll try and sum everything up.

2 days ago, after posting my last post here, I had a short conversation on the phone with my dad (he was at work) about college and future plans and whatnot. I was really stressed out given what I'd just posted about, and having to think about the future when I am just trying to get through one day at a time didn't help, so after we hung up I took another sort-of-overdose (one pill over recommended dose) of sleeping pills hoping the pills would make me fall asleep for a few hours so I wouldn't have to think about things and to protect myself from cutting. I think I might be a little sensitive to the medicine because I was starting to have symptoms that come with taking a dosage of the medicine higher than what I swallowed. As I said before, I had taken the same dosage of the medicine with the understanding and acceptance it could adversely affect me due to my heart problem a couple times before that, and it was the same thing that time as well even though I mainly just wanted to go to sleep. I don't remember much (I kind of just hid from my grandfather during the 4 or so hours when I felt sickest), but I do remember that even though I didn't fall asleep, I was spacing out a lot (maybe falling asleep but like I said I don't remember), and the only reason I knew I was doing that is because I'd space out so much I'd stop breathing and would snap back into reality like "Wha???" and find myself gasping for breath. The active ingredient in the sleeping pills is notorious for causing respiratory problems (specifically stopping breathing or having to really focus to be able to breathe), but like I said, maybe it's my body chemistry but I think I might have a hypersensitivity because those sorts of problems usually come with way higher dosages, not one pill over the recommended dosage (although I was still having other symptoms assoc. with higher dosages as mentioned).

That night, right before going to bed, I self-harmed pretty badly on my right breast. I'd self-harmed on my left breast several days ago, but they were fairly shallow cuts and are healing up. The ones on my right breast, though, are deeper -- they're still somewhat painful/draining a tiny bit of fluid on and off, and the deepest one I *think* is starting to scab over -- I'm not really sure. Also, I usually self-harm on my thighs -- there's one wound I've been cutting over for more than 2 months, but it usually starts to heal by itself without a problem. I noticed a couple days ago there's a little bump over part of the wound, and I can't tell if it's an ingrown hair (I'm extremely prone to those) or if the wound is infected (I take care to clean my self-harming objects with rubbing alcohol but I know that isn't a guarantee). I accidentally busted it open several minutes ago scratching my leg (my legs itch like crazy as my wounds heal), and a little bit of pus drained -- right now it seems the same, albeit a little less painful.

Yesterday I was at my aunt's for Christmas Eve dinner. I was trying my best to act OK and not cry, but I felt myself falling apart while I was around my cousin and her new daughter and some other family members, so I excused myself to the bathroom. I stayed in there and cried for 10, maybe 15 minutes and used a plastic knife I stole to cut my arm (it didn't break the skin but it still caused pain). When I left the bathroom and went in the hallway to put my purse back, my cousin could tell I was still crying (I'm not sure if she caught on when I was with her or if she just happened to be there). Long story short, I started crying again, and we went in the bathroom to talk privately. I told her I was still affected by J and had nightmares, etc. and I was scared to tell any other family members because I'd gone through it before. My cousin asked how often I was "like that" (upset and crying etc.), and I said it's pretty much every day. She said I really should be in therapy again and I need to get my life back.

I slept really badly last night -- I got maybe 5 hours of sleep. My dad noticed I was spacey and cranky all day today. We went to my aunt's for dinner again, and my dad came and got me after he took my grandfather (and some food) home. He noticed I seemed sad and spacey again, but he said it's that time of year when everyone feels down because of the weather and short daylight hours we have here. I started crying, and I told him it was more than just the time of year -- there was a reason J stopped coming around. He started kind of shouting at me asking what J did, and I told him he hurt me like my other ex had. My dad said, although in much more colorful language, he could go beat J up right now. We had been driving around for a while, and we happened to be near J's house when Dad said that, so I took your advice and said I know Dad's angry, but hurting J won't help me any. My dad said he knew and he wouldn't actually do it. I told him that the reason I wanted to go see D back in September (when Dad freaked out about me seeing D) was to talk to him about things since he was the first person I told about J. I tried explaining to Dad D knew how J was treating me, especially after graduation, but he kind of started yelling at me I didn't need to. I asked I don't have to what, and Dad angrily said back, "Nothing." The counseling place I'd mentioned before, the one within walking distance of my house -- Dad said he'd call them tomorrow (if they're open tomorrow) to see if someone there could take my insurance and if they knew someone who dealt with trauma in the event they didn't take my insurance. Dad asked if I wanted to do something to myself (i.e., cut, attempt/commit suicide), and I started crying harder and said I didn't know, and we didn't say anything about it after that.

Dad told me a bunch of times he loved me and it's not my fault. I told him my GYN said I might have HPV (I didn't mention herpes, just because I may have been having HPV symptoms lately) and honestly Dad seemed kind of freaked out about that even though I tried explaining it's extremely common and the body often fights it off anyway.

So now, here I am [Embarrassed] I'm so scared, I really am. I've never hurt so much before. I don't know how to tell Dad I actually have been doing lots of thinking about attempting suicide (and, if you want to be technical, have already intentionally done something to myself a couple times that adversely endangered my health, which I was aware and accepting of) since he seemed a bit terse about the topic even after I said I didn't know how I felt regarding suicide and self-harm (let alone that I've been self-harming for months now and one wound might have an infection). I'm *so* scared that even though it isn't an everyday habit for me to intentionally overdose on the sleeping pills, I will develop an addiction to them -- I most certainly do not enjoy how I feel when the pills take action, and they are non-addictive, but I'm scared I could develop some weird addiction to taking them in hopes they'll eventually kill me. I want to ask Dad tomorrow to take me to the local hospital's emergency room, but I don't really want to have to stay in a psychiatric hospital not just for the reasons I mentioned, but because I know from prior experience suicidal ideation is something that, for me anyway, is constantly present in varying degrees throughout the struggle with PTSD, so being hospitalized for a few weeks or whatever won't necessarily help my suicidality since it's always kind of there. But I still don't feel safe, and I don't know what things will be like tomorrow given what's been happening...right now, though, I am really cold and sleepy, so I'm curled up in my bed. I doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight, but I'm too sleepy to self-harm right now, so hopefully I'll just fall asleep once I get settled. I suppose right now what I'd appreciate help with the most is telling Dad I'm not OK, that I'm self-harming and suicidal and honestly scared and struggling to live every day, but that's a really broad matter...right now though like I said, I'm really sleepy, so I'm going to try and take care of that and get some desperately needed sleep. So thank you so very much for being here *brave smile* [Smile]

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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Fauna16Maude
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*And since I know it'll bug me if I don't answer some of your other questions/statements, Sam, you made before: I know it might seem weird I am OK with opening up over the Internet to complete strangers but not friends/family, but not only have I been really desperate and lonely, I also honestly felt the most comfortable coming to you given you are volunteers/knowledgeable around these sorts of things. I am hoping that however the counseling matter will play out for me, I can talk to them the same way I can with you.

I only have immediate access to the local rape crisis hotline (I have their hotline number saved in my cell phone under speed dial), but I came across a website specifically for teens/young adults with mental disorders a couple days ago, and I remember they had a section that listed phone hotline numbers for suicidality, self-harm, etc. However, seeing as how a lot of stuff happened these past 2 or 3 days, I'm not sure how things will play out in the next few days, let alone tomorrow, so I'm not sure what I can do/will be doing as far as finding resources for those go. However, like I said, I am thinking about having Dad take me to the emergency room before my suicidal thoughts get out of hand -- I don't know if that will end up being something I have to do for my own safety, but for what it's worth I am aware that's an option if necessary.

OK I am really sleepy now so going to try and sleep. Thanks again for being here.

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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Redskies
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You already did something big and brave today by telling your dad what you told him. Big kudos to you, and I'm glad he was supportive of you.

There are hotlines, phone or chat, to help with self-harm and suicidal feelings. Do you have access to those? We want to help you, and the very best way we can help is to suggest you contact one of those hotlines if you feel like self-harming. We're just not trained to help you with that ourselves, and we really want you to be safe.

I understand what you're saying about hospitalisation not being the magic cure long-term, but I also want to make sure you know that right now matters, too. It's important that you stay safe in the short-term. If you feel at any point that you aren't safe, please ask someone around you to take you to the ER or to call for emergency help, or call for emergency help yourself. You're describing to us a situation where it is already a reasonable and proportionate response to get you emergency care.

Per telling your Dad, I think it'll help to remember that he asked you, so he wants to know. He already knows you're having a tough time, and it sounds like he wants to know what you need help with so that you can get that help. It can be so hard to contemplate telling someone things like this - but any caring person would much rather know so that you can get help, instead of having you struggle in silence by yourself.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Sam W
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Hi Faunamaude,

I'm with Redskies on the talking to your dad. That must have been a scary step to take, but I am glad you did it (and am glad that he is being supportive).

I also want to second the idea that, if you begin to feel unsafe, please don't hesitate to seek out emergency care.

Per our previous discussion, It's really common to have an easier time opening up in spaces that feel safe and confidential than to our friends and families, but I'm with you in hoping that the counselor will create a space in which you feel safe discussing what you have been/are going through.

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zeitvogel
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Hi Faunamaude,

I'm rooting for you! I hope things get better soon, or at least less scary.

I'm not a Volunteer but I wanted to share some things from my own experience in case they are helpful.

You mentioned fear about telling your story to a therapist. I'd say first, that a therapist should be able to make you feel safe and comfortable enough to open up. And if that's not happening, then don't be afraid to ask for a different one. Finding a therapist who's a good fit for you can take a couple of tries. I think that right now, you really need someone in your life who is 100% on your side and who will respect and support the boundaries you set. You have every right to look for someone who can do that.

My second tip is to use your powers of writing -- which are awesome, by the way. In this thread you've been able to clearly lay out a lot of complex stuff and difficult feelings. Perhaps you could write a couple of pages of "Intro to Faunamaude" for future counselors to look at? You can bring it with you to the first session and let them read it. If they argue, tell them reading it will be faster than arguing [Smile] But in my experience therapists are fine with it. Do you have a safe, private way to make printouts? If not, it may still be worth writing it out by hand, perhaps after editing it on a computer.

And third, you don't necessarily need to give details that you're not comfortable with. Suppose you said "Dad, I need you to take me to the ER right now and I can't tell you why". What do you think he will do? (That's a sincere question, since I don't know your dad. But I'm hoping I know the answer anyway)

I'm wishing you all the best.

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Fauna16Maude
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Hello again, Ohmygoodness so many responses! Thank you! [Smile] The past 2 days have mostly been a mix of being cozy/relaxing and compulsive cleaning (my coping mechanism), so I'm trying to hang in there.

I have found a suicide hotline, and I've written down the number to put into my cell phone, but I'm still trying to find a self-harm hotline. Fortunately though I wouldn't have had to use one if I had one in the past few days because I haven't had any strong-enough urges to self-harm. (Yay me!) [Big Grin] Still, I'd like to try and find a hotline since I know that having a few good days doesn't mean I've overcome my S.H. struggle, so I'll just have to keep searching. I did, however, come across a blog maintained by a person with PTSD for other PTSD sufferers, and one of the posts included a lot of good resources for PTSD sufferers (I bookmarked it), so I'll have to look at it again since there might've been a self-harm hotline/resource I missed when I looked over it.

I'm starting to accept that hospitalization might be a good idea/helpful for some time in the near future, even if just for my safety. Like I said, these past few days were better than I thought they'd be, but I'm trying to tell myself that it's OK to seek emergency help if I start to feel not-OK again even if it is just for safety reasons like I said. I haven't told Dad about my S.H. just because I haven't been having issues with it since I told him the other night about J, but since he's usually intuitive about those sorts of things and catches on to things long before I even start showing any really obvious signs I'm not OK (to be honest, I didn't tell him I've been self-harming, but he probably figured it out anyway, especially since I replied "I don't know" when he asked me), I'm hoping that in the event I do feel I need to go to the hospital, if I tell him I feel scared and want to go to the hospital for my safety, he'll understand or at least take some other measure to ensure my safety in the meantime, like go for a car ride or take me to my aunt's or something. (Oh, and a random sort-of-unrelated thought I think is worth putting out there: even if I do feel OK emotionally, I could tell Dad I need to go to the ER in the event I get more bumps/symptoms like I'd been having since I am pretty sure the local hospital does STD testing in the ER. However, I do want to be honest with him and not keep anything from him if I do have to go, as I don't want it to play out like "Well I had you take me to the ER for STD symptoms but I also feel suicidal" or vice versa. I'll just have to take things one day at a time like I've been trying to do.)

In response to what you said, Zeitvogel, about my fear of opening up to a therapist: it isn't so much that I am afraid to trust a therapist (although that is an issue, just not my main one) or that I am afraid of feeling too uncomfortable with the therapist to open up. Rather, it's that I've told my story to so many people so any times over the years regarding my other ex (at least 2 therapists, police personnel, etc.) and not really gotten anywhere (except for my most recent therapist, but I was forced to terminate therapy with her before I felt ready to so you know what I mean, I hope), so I'm scared I'll have to go through all that again only to get nowhere. I do, however, like the idea of writing down everything and then presenting it to my therapist(s) so I won't have to feel like I'm trusting them too soon with my story when I'm not even sure yet if I'm comfortable with them, so I'm thinking about taking excerpts from this thread and making a document out of that to save and print out (although I'll have to remember to swap the letters I use to represent J and D with their actual names, ha ha). That is what I did with my 1st therapist, and it also sped things up a little bit because she knew my story from start to where I was that at that point in time before we even began sessions. Thank you for that suggestion [Smile] And also, I've contacted the therapist near my house (Dad said I can see her as soon as she is able to see me, as long as she can of course, regardless of insurance and he'll take care of that part of things later) -- there are several other therapists who work with her, so if I'm not comfortable with one I can request to see another one since I think they all accept my insurance and are trained in trauma/PTSD/sexual assault and abuse/etc. So that is certainly a start. Thank you for your input [Smile]

I'm also hoping that the "Your taking action will only worsen matters for me" approach you suggested, Sam, will hold up with Dad -- he came home from work today (his 1st day back since Christmas) a little bit late since he went to the store, and he said he had thought about stopping by J's house and "putting fear" into him. He said he wouldn't hurt him or threaten him, but he'd still scare him. He said, though, he decided against that since he didn't know if I'd want that. I told him to please just let things go, as that won't help me move on at all. Dad said that he figured I wouldn't want that, but he kept talking about having J's grandmother (J lives with her) getting wind of the situation and kicking him out of her house, which would please Dad. I repeatedly said that him taking action, whether it be talking to/contacting J directly or telling J's grandmother about things, would only make things far worse for me, but he kind of seemed like he didn't want to let it go, so I stopped. It's really important for me that J or his grandmother doesn't hear that Dad knows, especially not from Dad himself, (at least for the time being or until the mandatory legal actions are taken when I start therapy/seek medical help) because I know that might bring about a ton of complications -- J posting our emails online, D somehow getting involved or J going after him since J knows I wanted to pursue a relationship with him after our breakup, etc. Dad had to go back to the store because he forgot something, and he's still there, so I'm really hoping he won't being it up again when he returns and that he isn't going to take action since he seemed like he was trying to say "I know doing something won't help you, *but*..." when I tried to convince him I really just want him to let it go and that I *don't* want any revenge sought upon J, which is why I don't want to take any more legal action than is mandatory in the first place.

Well anyway, thanks to all of your for your responses and support [Smile] I'm going to keep telling myself that if I feel unsafe it's totally OK to go to the hospital or contact a hotline or whatever, but I'll still keep trying to hang in there in the meantime.

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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zeitvogel
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I'm glad to hear that you have been taking care of yourself so well these last days, and that you've been feeling better too [Smile]

With the writing, I hope it will also reduce the feeling that you're repeating yourself. Everything you have on paper is something you won't have to tell new people again and again.

I'm glad that your Dad has been listening to you at least a bit. It's sounds better than you were afraid of, at least. I think it might help to also tell him something like this: "Dad, what I need most right now is to feel like I'm in control of this J situation. Please help me with that by checking with me before doing anything that might change the situation."

I think your Dad got the message that you don't want him to make things worse, but he's still trying to argue about what "worse" means in his opinion. The statement above will hopefully make clear that what you want from him is not about results, but about leaving the decisions with you.

(I'm assuming that this is actually how you feel. If not, please disregard [Smile] )

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Redskies
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Hi FaunaMaude,

I'm glad that you've been looking into resources for yourself.

We need to say again that we are not the right people to be discussing self-harm and suicidal thoughts with. That's primarily about you and your safety: we just don't have the expertise or training to serve you adequately. It's also about us, though - it wouldn't be responsible or ethical of us to discuss serious issues with our users that we aren't trained for, and it potentially opens up some liability issues.

We realise that we're a space where you feel comfortable and safe writing and sharing, and we're very happy we're able to provide that space. Even so, that doesn't make us magically able to do things that we just can't, and we do need to stay within topics that we can safely and ethically discuss with you. Perhaps you can use the knowledge that this safe space and these safe people exist to help you expand your circle of safe people to include some others who Are trained in the things that we are not.

The very best thing, and the only safe and ethical thing, that we can suggest to you is that you seek advice and support from people who are trained in what you're asking about: that's medical professionals and suicide hotlines.

Of course it is ok to seek any medical help that you might need, in any situation. Again, you're describing to us feelings and a situation where emergency care and/or hospitalisation is a reasonable and proportionate response.

If you need any help finding suitable help or in making contact with those people, we're very happy to assist you with that. We are also, of course, here for anything that we're trained to provide, like talking about relationships or recovery from abuse.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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zeitvogel
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Hi, I just had an idea -- maybe you could call the suicide hotline to ask them about resources for self-harm? They're likely to know about those. And that way you also get a feel for what they sound like on the phone. It might make it easier to call them when you really need to.
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Fauna16Maude
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Hello again,

I just wanted to say very quickly here that I've put the suicide hotline # I've found into my cell phone, along with a self-harm hotline I finally found. Not sure why it took so long, but at least I found one.

I understand that you aren't in a position to advise anyone regarding suicide, self-harm, medical issues, etc. Fortunately, though, like I said I've found some numbers I can use if I need to, and I am telling myself seeking emergency help (even calling my aunt or an ambulance myself if I really begin feeling unsafe or like I could put myself in danger) is OK and way better than actually attempting suicide, etc., so even if I do feel unsafe, at least I'll have some options to protect myself.

To Zeitvogel: like I said, I've finally found a self-harm hotline, and so far I haven't had to use it. But I'm not afraid to if I do need to. I'm hoping that since I've contacted a counseling center and Dad said I can go regardless of the insurance situation as long as they can see me, I will be able to hold out with my refraining from S.H. until I can get in w/a therapist, which hopefully will be soon. And also, like I said I'm going to be seeing a psychologist soon for Asperger's re-testing, so even if that's for something totally different I can still ask if they know of any therapists in the area who deal with PTSD/etc. But thank you for the suggestion [Smile] And as far as Dad talking about taking action against J: he hasn't said anything else about it since we talked about it yesterday afternoon (he's home sick with a cold today so I'm hoping he won't bring it up again, sigh), but in the event he does, I'm planning on taking your suggestion and telling him to run any ideas he comes up with past me and to allow me to have control of the situation. I most certainly don't want him to take any actions against J, but since he did say something yesterday about his idea of going and speaking to J but didn't because he didn't know if I'd be OK with that, I'm going to take advantage of that and tell him what I think of any ideas he has that could change the situation. Obviously I'm going to say "no" to anything he wants to do to retaliate against J, but like I said, I'm hoping that since he thought about things enough and realized I probably wouldn't be OK with what he wanted to do against J even though he was really angry/emotional, he will continue to consider consulting me with whatever ideas he comes up with. So thank you! [Big Grin]

Today is probably going to be another lazy day (which I'm totally OK with), but like I said I've got resources I can use if I feel I need to, and also as mentioned I know that it's OK to seek emergency help if necessary. But as always, thank you for being here and for your support.

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Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.' --Dr. Hans Asperger

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zeitvogel
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Hey Fauna, I was wondering how it's going now. Did you work things out with your Dad?
Posts: 47 | From: Finland | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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