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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Coming back to haunt me... again

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Author Topic: Coming back to haunt me... again
laneyloo
Neophyte
Member # 96160

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I was sexually abused almost a year ago. I'm currently in a FWB relationship with a close friend of mine. In fact, he's the one who helped me realize what the guy was doing was not okay (there were a lot of complications). I have PTSD, but I've got it under control pretty well. I know what triggers me and what to do.
However, whenever my FWB and I try to have sex, I get so tight he can't get in more than a few inches without hurting me. I don't have flashbacks or at least I don't have ones I can identify as such, but I can't make myself relax enough to let him in. I get panicky and my first response is to tighten up. Besides the abuse, this is my first sexual experience, so that might play a part. He's really understanding about it, and does his best to make sure I don't feel bad, but I still feel like I'm letting him down. Plus, I want it for myself as much as I want it for him. I've tried telling him to stop until I can calm down some, I've tried using my flashback coping methods, and neither worked.
If anyone has any advice, that'd be greatly appreciated.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi laneyloo and welcome to Scarleteen!

First, I'm really glad to hear that you have such a supportive friend. [Smile]

Are you in therapy right now, or taking any medication for the anxiety related to the PTSD?

How do you feel when you and your friend engage in other sexual activities?

With regards to penetration, I want to check in about whether you're relaxed and very aroused at least when you start engaging in intercourse.

I am also wondering if it might be worth unpacking why you think you're letting him down. As you say, you want this for yourself too. Perhaps you can talk a little bit about why you want it?

You may find these articles helpful, at least for some food for thought.

From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
laneyloo
Neophyte
Member # 96160

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I am in therapy. It's controlled enough that she hasn't prescribed any medication for it.

As for how I feel? Usually pretty aroused, sometimes shy, usually happy. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst. When I do feel shy, it's usually because I don't really know what I'm doing. He likes it when I take control, which I've never done before, even with kissing boyfriends. But that's only when it's starting out. Once I'm able to get started, I'm not shy anymore.

I'm always aroused before we try intercourse. He always starts out by rubbing me in "my spot," as we call it, and by the time he tries I'm really wet.

I want it partially because I'm curious. I want to know what it feels like. I know what it feels like to have a finger or two inside of me, I wanna know what that part feels like inside of me. And partially because I feel like my abuser took away part of me and this would be another step in taking it back. And I want him to be the one to do it because I'm really attracted to him and... I don't really know how to put why into words when it comes to that.
I feel like I'm letting him down because I know how badly he wants it. I think it's a little bit of the victim-blaming all over again, that I feel like if I hadn't let what happened happen, I wouldn't be so tight and I'd be able to let him inside me. And I almost feel like I'm teasing him, by telling him I want it too and then not being able to actually let him in. I know it's not my fault, but...

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