I'm really sorry to hear that she has those attitudes. I hope that you know that they are incredibly incorrect: none of that is true based on everything we know about sexual abuse and assault when we're truly educated about it.
So, maybe for now, your Mom isn't the first person to tell? What I'd want for you is to first talk to someone in person without those biases, misinformation and views, who would support you. Once you have that support, if you still want to tell her, it won't be as hard as it sounds like it would be now, without that support. Of course, if you think she's open to being better educated and you really want to tell her soon, we could give you some links or handouts to give her which can explain why her ideas aren't sound and why you need help and support.
Of course, we also need to make sure that you are not in a position where you are likely to be assaulted again: where you are not alone with the person who assaulted you.
Did you ever call the hotline you were linked to here? They can connect you with a local, in-person counselor to talk with who IS educated and who will be supportive and can help. If you didn't can you make that call before we talk again, so we can know what's available to you?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I called... it was scary at first and my mom walkedin so I had to react fast. But I'm happy it went well. The miss said that maybe I could work something out to where I could make it look like a school project or community service to go there and if I could get Mrs. D on board with it (my counciler at school) and my psychology teacher I could do that and they could give me a ride there... she was rlly understanding. I didn't feel like I did something bad.
Umm both people Mrs.D and the miss suggested that if I wanted to try and salvage things with him to tell him its not okay for him to push like that and how I felt without sugar coats in a place where I wasn't by myself in the vicinity with him and my phone was in my pocket. I was thinking about it after what Robin said sparked my curiosity but also cause I never told my ex that I was not okay and this was not okay.
But this time I'll be warning him that I'm not going to tolerate it anymore which will be scary...I also think maybe I should keep visits restricted to my house for now where we're constantly supervised. Does this sound okay fr now? Sorry again for the double post earlier.
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I'm so glad talking to the hotline worked out well. It sounds like you have some support from your counsellor at school, and now form the people on the hotline.
What's okay is what you feel comfortable and safe with. If you want to talk to him, doing it in a safe place is definitely a smart idea. Yes, it will be scary, but you have every right to say what you will and won't tolerate, and even that responsibility to yourself--both to keep yourself safe and to make things happier in your life.
So, if you feel comfortable seeing him again and want to do it where you're always supervised, then that's good. If you want to have a talk with him in a safe place, then have a little time away without seeing him, that's okay too.
Again, I'm really glad you've got folks on your side and I think it would be great if your counsellor at school could help you get to this agency for more support.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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I keep worrying about if this'll work or not. Worrying that if I ask Mrs. D if I cld do this instead of working with her she'll take offence or think I'm over reacting. But I talk myself back into it saying I can't just do nothing. I'm glad to have your support because everytime I second guess it all I have to do is come on here and reread everything. So thank you all so much again.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Hi, Struggling. We chatted a bit when you posted before, so I thought I'd drop in here. I'm very sorry to hear that these things happened to you, but happy that you felt you could post about it here.
I can understand how you would worry about someone's reaction to you asking for help, but what I'd say is, if it's someone's job to help us, then they should be ok with providing us with whatever help we need, even if that means getting us some other help that's better for us. I don't think that that person should take offense, not if she's at all reasonable at her job, and I definitely don't expect that she would think you were over-reacting, from everything you've said here. We all deserve whatever help we need, and we get to respond however we feel to things. You deserve the help that you want and need. I also think it would be a really positive, helpful thing for you to get help and support for yourself, outside of any personal friendship/relationship. Often, we can get further dealing with things with someone whose role in our life is to help us than with someone who we have a personal connection to.
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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